(no subject)
i feel fat.
interactions with mat have been pleasant lately. he talked with me a bit after i woke up at four a.m. from a night terror(i've been having the same one for two weeks or so, off and on) and a bit today. i usually feel like i'm forcing conversation on people, but he seemed more eager to talk than i was, which was nice. this sounds pathetic, but i'm still clinging to a tiny bit of hope that we're not completely over. ugh, it seems even worse now that it is out there in the universe. things will be what they will be, but i hope. i hope.
tosha(mat's brother's ex) and danielle(mat's ex) came to pj's a few weeks ago, and surrounded me. they just HAD to bring mat up, and wanted to talk crap, and wanted to know every little detail of how i was doing(which was/is not totally, 100% well as of yet) and rather than explaining my feelings and/or crying(i promised pj and dave i was done crying) i took shots of 151 and absinthe. as a distraction. i blacked out after my fourth shot of 151(i was already drunk) and the next thing i remember was a panicky dave and scott asking me to wake up. i'd passed out in pj's bedroom floor and may have been choking on my own vomit. luckily, i was wearing mat's sweatshirt and had gotten most of the vomit on that. i cleaned things up and spent the rest of the night and all of the next day throwing up every hour on the hour.
i'm done drinking rum. i'm done drinking absinthe. for an entire week i was done drinking anything, but i got over it.
i'm moving in exactly two weeks. it seems surreal, mostly. the part that seems real makes me panic. i think i'm afraid of seeing him again. its only going to make me feel like i'm not good enough.
if i'm going to die alone i'd like to just go ahead and get it over with. you know?
jesus. you know, i'm not this depressed unless i start thinking/talking about it all.
interactions with mat have been pleasant lately. he talked with me a bit after i woke up at four a.m. from a night terror(i've been having the same one for two weeks or so, off and on) and a bit today. i usually feel like i'm forcing conversation on people, but he seemed more eager to talk than i was, which was nice. this sounds pathetic, but i'm still clinging to a tiny bit of hope that we're not completely over. ugh, it seems even worse now that it is out there in the universe. things will be what they will be, but i hope. i hope.
tosha(mat's brother's ex) and danielle(mat's ex) came to pj's a few weeks ago, and surrounded me. they just HAD to bring mat up, and wanted to talk crap, and wanted to know every little detail of how i was doing(which was/is not totally, 100% well as of yet) and rather than explaining my feelings and/or crying(i promised pj and dave i was done crying) i took shots of 151 and absinthe. as a distraction. i blacked out after my fourth shot of 151(i was already drunk) and the next thing i remember was a panicky dave and scott asking me to wake up. i'd passed out in pj's bedroom floor and may have been choking on my own vomit. luckily, i was wearing mat's sweatshirt and had gotten most of the vomit on that. i cleaned things up and spent the rest of the night and all of the next day throwing up every hour on the hour.
i'm done drinking rum. i'm done drinking absinthe. for an entire week i was done drinking anything, but i got over it.
i'm moving in exactly two weeks. it seems surreal, mostly. the part that seems real makes me panic. i think i'm afraid of seeing him again. its only going to make me feel like i'm not good enough.
if i'm going to die alone i'd like to just go ahead and get it over with. you know?
jesus. you know, i'm not this depressed unless i start thinking/talking about it all.