i am important! i swear!
i don't have a headache.
this feeling is more akin to having a head full of dirty air. heavy air. it doesn't hurt, it just feels.
i'm exhausted all of the time lately, and i think it is a combination of the weather and the upcoming move. i don't know why i let things like this overcome me. but i do. i suppose i can make multiple trips, but in my downtime i find myself wondering which is the most efficient way to fit all of my shit in my car. i will be driving 20 miles per hour all the way to moscow.
do i even want to go? of course i do. right? yes.
i'm not sure. i mean, i am, i need to do something. but it seems less motivated by my actual will, and more like a flinging of myself into any direction. forward, i hope.
fuck.
it doesn't feel like going anywhere. i'm not escaping anything. i'm not escaping TO anything. i have a memorized list of reasons to be doing what i'm doing. and it sounds more rehearsed every time i recite it to my friends, boss, the mail carrier at work:
-better psyc program/lower tuition &rent
-independence
-domestic isolation
-academic support system
and its all true. its all true. but am i really cut out for the life i've been preparing for? am i going to pursue this career? am i going to ever do better than average(i could if i wanted to)? am i ever going to WANT to do better than average?
i'm still where i've always been, and i suddenly feel so adrift. it doesn't make any sense.
this is the first time i've been completely sober for six straight days. i can't remember when the last time i could say that truthfully was.
this feeling is more akin to having a head full of dirty air. heavy air. it doesn't hurt, it just feels.
i'm exhausted all of the time lately, and i think it is a combination of the weather and the upcoming move. i don't know why i let things like this overcome me. but i do. i suppose i can make multiple trips, but in my downtime i find myself wondering which is the most efficient way to fit all of my shit in my car. i will be driving 20 miles per hour all the way to moscow.
do i even want to go? of course i do. right? yes.
i'm not sure. i mean, i am, i need to do something. but it seems less motivated by my actual will, and more like a flinging of myself into any direction. forward, i hope.
fuck.
it doesn't feel like going anywhere. i'm not escaping anything. i'm not escaping TO anything. i have a memorized list of reasons to be doing what i'm doing. and it sounds more rehearsed every time i recite it to my friends, boss, the mail carrier at work:
-better psyc program/lower tuition &rent
-independence
-domestic isolation
-academic support system
and its all true. its all true. but am i really cut out for the life i've been preparing for? am i going to pursue this career? am i going to ever do better than average(i could if i wanted to)? am i ever going to WANT to do better than average?
i'm still where i've always been, and i suddenly feel so adrift. it doesn't make any sense.
this is the first time i've been completely sober for six straight days. i can't remember when the last time i could say that truthfully was.