I'm a cherry ghost
I don't know whether I am coming or going.
Am I better on drugs? Or am I just complacent? A friend of mine said "I thought you were doing better" and I just spent half an hour trying to explain what I am and then finally deleted it. And it occurs to me that if I have to think that much about how I feel than maybe there is nothing wrong with me at all and its just all in my head.
I haven't written once here that I thought I was happier but I know I have told several people that I was doing great even (my shrink being one of them). So was that made up or was it real and if it was real where did it go? Why why why did I go and mess with a relatively good thing. Except for the fatigue I was doing pretty well wasn't I????
I can't explain how I feel. Work is going a little better. Everything makes me sad though. The world makes me sad. The stuff that people do to other people or animals. There is so much violence and torture in the world. I can't get past some headlines and there is stuff I wish I just didn't know. Stuff that haunts me. I was advised not to dwell on it or it would eat me alive but I think it already is. And thats just the vague ubiquitous stuff. Theres plenty of stuff close to home. Char's cancer might as well be my own. And her cat is dying which of course makes me think about my cat dying.... why do cats have to die? Even economics makes me sad. I got all bent out of shape about buying a car and who would get the money and where I shop etc. Its all so ridiculous.
Dammit I know the drugs work but I am so fucking sedated. And I am disappointed that underneath the drugs I'm not better. I want to be well again, whole and happy and fun. I want to think about stuff again and not be so wrapped up in some dark cloud.
I am grateful for Jenny Lau.
Am I better on drugs? Or am I just complacent? A friend of mine said "I thought you were doing better" and I just spent half an hour trying to explain what I am and then finally deleted it. And it occurs to me that if I have to think that much about how I feel than maybe there is nothing wrong with me at all and its just all in my head.
I haven't written once here that I thought I was happier but I know I have told several people that I was doing great even (my shrink being one of them). So was that made up or was it real and if it was real where did it go? Why why why did I go and mess with a relatively good thing. Except for the fatigue I was doing pretty well wasn't I????
I can't explain how I feel. Work is going a little better. Everything makes me sad though. The world makes me sad. The stuff that people do to other people or animals. There is so much violence and torture in the world. I can't get past some headlines and there is stuff I wish I just didn't know. Stuff that haunts me. I was advised not to dwell on it or it would eat me alive but I think it already is. And thats just the vague ubiquitous stuff. Theres plenty of stuff close to home. Char's cancer might as well be my own. And her cat is dying which of course makes me think about my cat dying.... why do cats have to die? Even economics makes me sad. I got all bent out of shape about buying a car and who would get the money and where I shop etc. Its all so ridiculous.
Dammit I know the drugs work but I am so fucking sedated. And I am disappointed that underneath the drugs I'm not better. I want to be well again, whole and happy and fun. I want to think about stuff again and not be so wrapped up in some dark cloud.
I am grateful for Jenny Lau.