communication.
Title: Communication
Characters: Fernando Torres / Sergio Ramos, Pepe Reina, Álvaro Arbeloa, Cesc Fàbregas & Iker Casillas.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crack, sexual references.
Disclaimer: As much as I'd like to believe that Sergio Ramos browses LJ for gay porn, this piece is entirely fictional.
Notes: Based on a prompt by rizzyr at footie_exchange - Fernando is feeling a bit down because of the hamstring injury he's been suffering lately. Sergio goes out of his way to make him feel better. Apologies to those who have already seen this. Fic is set around October 2008.
Summary: A collection of conversations in which Sergio realises that Fernando really is that high maintenance.
Feedback > life. If you feel the need to give constructive criticism, please do.
Message from: Nando, Time: 1.21am.
I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. THE BENCH IS GETTING LONELY.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.23am.
You need me there to warm you up.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.24am.
I KNOW, DAMN YOU. THAT DOESN'T HELP.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.26am.
Stop whining, Fernando. You're injured. It's not the end of the world.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.27am.
DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE I DIDN'T GET TO PLAY AT MY OLD HOME GROUND?
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.29am.
I guess I did. You know, things like that just slip under the radar.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.31am.
LIVERPOOL IS SUCKING RIGHT NOW AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE I'M NOT PLAYING.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.34am.
Or... it might be because your defenders are scoring own goals.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.35am.
OR THAT. SERGIO, I'M SO BORED.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.37am.
So go over to Pepe's and nag HIM. I'm trying to sleep here.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.38am.
OKAY, GOOD IDEA.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.39am.
Why are you screaming at me?
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.40am.
I'M NOT. MY PHONE IS STUCK ON CAPSLOCK.
* * * * *
"Hi Pepe! Did I wake you?"
"It's two in the morning."
". . . Did I wake you?"
"Nando, what's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing. I just couldn't sleep."
"Yes, well, I could. And now I'm awake."
"I'm . . . sorry?"
"Never mind. Do you want something to eat?"
"No, no. I just came over for - you know - a chat."
"Right. So, I assume Sergio refused to talk to you at this late hour?"
"He's sleeping, apparently."
"Well, at least one of us is."
"Hey, where are you going?"
"I need to phone someone."
"I just told you, Sergio's asleep."
"Look, if I'm going to be woken up, he is too."
* * * * *
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.12am.
Check your email. Now.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.33am.
WAKE UP FERNANDO. Email!
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.56am.
I'M GOING TO SEND PEPE OVER THERE TO BANG DOWN YOUR DOOR!
Message from: Sergio. Time: 10.17am.
Fernando? Are you pissed off at me?
* * * * *
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 11:09:34
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Why did you email me this?
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 11:12:03
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Finally! I've been sitting in front of this computer for ages. I feel like you.
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 11:15:01
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Why the goal compilation?
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 11:17:14
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
To make you feel better!
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 11:21:45
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
You sent me videos of my goals for Liverpool to make me feel better about the fact that I'm not playing?
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 11:25:13
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Uhm, yes. No. IT MADE SENSE IN MY HEAD.
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 11:27:15
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Fail, Sergio. I'm going back to sleep.
* * * * *
"Sergio told me to tell you that the media in Spain is totally devastated that you didn't get to play against Atléti."
"Álvaro? When did you talk to Sergio?"
"He rang me this morning. Woke me up. I was all excited, thinking that maybe he was trying to hit on me, but no. It was just because you weren't picking up your phone."
"I was sleeping. Do you have a secret crush on Sergio? Because you're not very good at keeping it secret."
"I have a secret crush on pretty much everyone. I had one on you for a while."
"What changed your mind?"
"Sergio told me that you're not very noisy during sex. I like moaners."
". . . Please don't be offended if I ask Sergio to stop talking to you."
* * * * *
Message from: Nando. Time: 6.56pm.
YOUR ATTEMPTS AT CHEERING ME UP AREN'T WORKING. TRY HARDER!
Message from: Sergio. Time: 7.00pm.
Why are you scream- oh. I don't know what else to do. I'm in another country, in case you've forgotten.
Message from: Nando. Time: 7.02pm.
FINNS AND DANNY HAVE PHONE SEX, APPARENTLY.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 7.04pm.
Who and who? And I HAVE offered you phone sex, but it's a little pointless if you're so quiet when you jerk off.
* * * * *
"Cesc? Is there a reason why you're at my door?"
"Hi, Nando! Just thought I'd, you know, drop by."
"You live in London."
"No, really? Look, I heard that you were feeling down, so I thought I'd come over and cheer you up, that's all."
". . . You're too nice for own good, do you know that? Someone's going to use you so badly one day."
"But you won't, will you, Nando -"
"Ah, woah, Cesc, get off my face! What the fuck are you doing?"
"Sergio told me to kiss you for him!"
"Ah, no!"
"Come on -"
"No! Ew, no!"
". . . There was no need to say 'ew', Nando. I got the point when you screamed. Now you're just being hurtful."
* * * * *
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.18pm.
YOU ARE SO DEAD, MISTER.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.22pm.
Oh, fuck. Cesc is totally not getting that Spanish-dubbed Heroes DVD set.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.24pm.
YOU BRIBED HIM?!
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.32pm.
SERGIO??
* * * * *
"Hi, Nando!"
"Cesc, why are you still here? You're not going to kiss me again, are you?"
"No, I'm just here to hang out."
"Shouldn't you be back in London by now?"
"Possibly. Probably. Look, Nando, I don't want to upset you -"
"You already made out with my face. I don't think you could upset me any further."
"You're being really selfish, making Sergio come up with ways to make you feel better about your injury."
"I'm not making him do anything. It's his job, he's my - uh - "
"Boyfriend?"
"Well, if you absolutely must use that word."
"I know he's the one who's supposed to make you feel better, but really, Nando."
"Really what?"
"It's not like you're the first person to ever get injured. We all have to deal with that at some point."
"Really? I had no idea."
"And you should acknowledge the fact that Sergio's trying, he really is."
"Do you want a coffee or something?"
"And it's not like you're alone in this. You have Xabi, and Pepe, and Álvaro, and - okay, maybe Álvaro's not the ideal person
to go to."
"I can whip you up some gazpacho if you want, it's getting to lunchtime."
"So just know that while Sergio's help is important, you can't expect him to be there all the time."
"So I take it you don't want to eat."
"You have to construct a new network around you. And I'm a part of that, don't forget. I'm here for you, man."
"Do you want to play PlayStation?"
"Oh, heck yes!"
"Hey, when are you going back to London? Don't you have a match in two days?"
". . . I left my keys in my living room. I don't know how to get back into my apartment."
". . . You're a douche, Cesc."
* * * * *
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 10:35:26
Subject: RE: Happy five month Euro anniversary!
Videos of our celebrations in Vienna are just as bad as the goals, Sergio. It just makes me feel even worse that I can't play.
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 13:23:49
Subject: RE: Happy five month Euro anniversary!
It's not about the celebrations! It's about you and me, all happy together! Did you even watch them?
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 15:48:12
Subject: RE: Happy five month Euro anniversary!
I've almost exceeded my download limit for this month, I can't afford to watch those videos yet again.
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 18:02:46
Subject: RE: Happy five month Euro anniversary!
What have you been downloading, Nando? IT HAD BETTER NOT BE HET PORN.
* * * * *
"Check your email!"
"It is way too early in the morning for you to be calling me."
"You woke me up at 2am the other night, Nando. I think I have every right to wake you up now. And trust me, it's worth it."
"Why, have you sent me gay porn?"
". . . Hold on a sec."
". . . Sergio?"
"Yeah, I'm here. Okay. . . I have now sent you gay porn. But you have to check my other email first."
"What could possibly be better than gay porn?"
"Nando, are you out of bed yet?"
"Yes, damn it."
"Now, I know the Euro celebration thing didn't really work. But you'll like this one."
"I told you, my download limit -"
"Bye, Nando!"
* * * * *
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 02:42:57
Subject: No words necessary. ;)
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 03:05:15
Subject: RE: No words necessary. ;)
Now, where on earth did you find that?
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 03.09:42
Subject: RE: No words necessary. ;)
Same place I find my gay porn: www.livejournal.com :)
* * * * *
"Hey Sergio, what are you doing?"
"Failing at life."
". . . What does Fernando want now?"
"He's all emo because he's injured and he wants me to cheer him up. And nothing I do seems to work."
"Sergio. He's pretty much demanding that you fly to Liverpool and fuck him senseless. I thought that was obvious."
"But I can't leave now! Schuster already hates me."
"Hmm, yeah, good point."
"Iker, you're not meant to agree. You're supposed to say 'No, he doesn't hate you at all'!"
"I'm a bad liar, you know that. Besides, this isn't about you. This is about Fernando and his need for sex."
"Did you ever fly to LA for David?"
"Well, no."
"Well then, isn't it a bit hypocritical to tell me to go to Liverpool if you never went to LA?"
"Unlike Fernando, David is a man. He doesn't need me to do that kind of shit."
"You know, it gets really annoying to hear people calling Fernando a girl all the time. If I wanted that, I'd be going out with
- you know - an actual girl."
"Do you mean to say, that chick you used to date, before you and Fernando got together . . . ?"
"Not a chick, no."
". . . I'm glad you met Fernando."
"Oh, me too. That guy was horrible in bed."
* * * * *
"Oh my God."
"Hello."
". . ."
"Stop gaping, Nando, and let me in. It's damn cold out here."
"You're . . . here."
"It's what you wanted, right?"
"Well, yeah. . . Yes, I did want it."
"So - here I am. All yours. Until tomorrow night, anyway - I have training on Friday morning."
". . ."
"Why are you grinning like that?"
"Because it's amazing how quickly I can wrap you around my little finger."
"Don't go getting any ideas, now. I can't fly over here every time you have a crisis."
"No, I know you can't. But hey - there's always gay porn!"
"What?"
"You have a video camera, right? Actually, never mind, I've got one here. I'm sure we can whip something up for the next time I get injured and need a distraction. . ."
* * * * *
Message from: Iker. Time: 8.11pm.
Precisely why did you feel the need to email me that video?
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.34pm.
What do you mean? I found it when I was trying to figure out ways to cheer Nando up, and I didn't realise how many Euro celebration videos there were!
Message from: Iker. Time: 9.38pm.
What are you talking about?
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.40pm.
The video I sent you. The one with Pepe doing his "camarero" joke - how funny was it? :D
Message from: Iker. Time: 9.41pm.
That's not the video you sent to me.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.49pm.
OH SHIT.
Message from: Iker. Time: 9.52pm.
If it's any consolation, you look really good in it. But gosh, that Fernando's a quiet one, huh?
* * * * *
"I am so sorry."
"Sorry doesn't really cut it when our entire national team has my cock on their computers."
"Well, when you put it like that -"
"What other way is there to put it?"
"I'm really, really sorry."
". . . Well, at least we looked good."
"Exactly! So good! And that's all that counts! . . . Right?"
". . . I'm still pissed off at you."
"Damn it."
* * * * *
Message from: Sergio. Time: 2:41pm.
Guys, I need help. Can you (a) never mention that video ever again, and (b) think of a way for me to make this up to Nando?
Message from: Cesc. Time: 2.43pm.
I didn't watch your video. The stillframe was enough to put me off.
Message from: Iker. Time: 2.44pm.
I can't believe you sent Cesc the message too. As if he'll be able to help you.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 2.45pm.
What stillframe?
Message from: Sergio. Time: 2.46pm.
How did you know I asked Cesc as well?
Message from: Cesc. Time: 2.48pm.
That one of you with your finger in your mouth. Ew.
Message from: Iker. Time: 2.50pm.
You said 'guys'. Last time I checked, there was only one of me. And why are you texting me, anyway? I'm ten metres away at the treadmills.
Message from: Cesc. Time: 2.55pm.
OH MY GOD THAT WASN'T A FINGER, WAS IT? EWWWW.
* * * * *
"Iker, I need you to help me come up with an idea."
"When I said I was at the treadmills, it wasn't an invite for you to come over."
"Idea. Now."
"Why do you have to bug me all the time? Why not Raúl, or Gago, or - anyone else?"
"Stop complaining and start brainstorming."
"If I must."
". . ."
". . ."
"Are you brainstorming?"
"Yes."
"Good."
". . ."
". . ."
"Iker. . . I can't think of anything!"
"Well, neither can I, if you keep talking!"
"Sorry."
"It's okay."
". . ."
". . ."
"Any ideas?"
"Well. . . Do you want sweet, or corny, or sentimental?"
"There's a difference?"
"Oh, Sergio. You're so young."
"Uh, sweet would be good."
"Sorry, all I've got is corny."
". . ."
". . ."
". . . Okay, just tell me the corny idea."
* * * * *
"Sergio? What are you doing here? At - four in the morning?"
"I feel really bad about the video. I couldn't sleep."
"So you flew all the way here again? Don't you have a match tomorrow? Sergio, I - honestly, what are you doing here, banging down my door? I thought I had a terrorist outside my house!"
"Yes, because I'm sure they knock."
"Shut up, you, and get inside, it's freezing out there. Hey, what's that you've got with you?"
". . ."
"Sergio? That smile is worrying me."
"Well, let's just say that you're not the only person I woke up tonight, Nando."
"Have you stolen a baby or something?"
"What? No! No, I just decided to bring you something. Something to remind you of what you had, and what you still have."
". . . You bring a whole new meaning to the word 'cryptic', do you know that?"
"I rang Luis García, who gave me some numbers and addresses, and - well - see for yourself."
". . . An old football? Oh my gosh, are these what I think they -"
"Signatures. From all your Atléti teammates. Oh, and Iker wanted to sign it too, so, uh, yeah."
"Oh, man. This is - I - man."
"I take it you like it?"
"I just - I can't believe it. You did all this? Tonight?"
"Well, I really do feel bad about that video. And I know how upset you were about missing the Atléti game, so . . ."
"This is - I don't even know - this is amazing."
"Well, thank God - because let me tell you, your old friends weren't too happy about being woken up by a Merengue. But when they found out it was for you -"
"This is the single most awesome thing you could have woken me up for. I - I don't know what to say - I just - "
"You don't have to say anything. Just realise that being injured doesn't mean you're any less wanted."
". . . Damn it, Sergio, now I feel really guilty. For all the shit I've put you through these past few days."
"Ah, don't worry about it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I mean, just look at that video we made. I think I got something pretty good out of the whole thing, too."
"Well, there is nothing like gay porn, after all."
"What do you say we make a sequel?"
"I say yes, definitely. But this time, we're keeping the DVD here. I'm not dealing with our teammates commenting on my
blowjobs anymore."
"But what if I want to watch it?"
"Well, it's just another excuse for you to come back and visit, isn't it?"
Characters: Fernando Torres / Sergio Ramos, Pepe Reina, Álvaro Arbeloa, Cesc Fàbregas & Iker Casillas.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crack, sexual references.
Disclaimer: As much as I'd like to believe that Sergio Ramos browses LJ for gay porn, this piece is entirely fictional.
Notes: Based on a prompt by rizzyr at footie_exchange - Fernando is feeling a bit down because of the hamstring injury he's been suffering lately. Sergio goes out of his way to make him feel better. Apologies to those who have already seen this. Fic is set around October 2008.
Summary: A collection of conversations in which Sergio realises that Fernando really is that high maintenance.
Feedback > life. If you feel the need to give constructive criticism, please do.
Message from: Nando, Time: 1.21am.
I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. THE BENCH IS GETTING LONELY.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.23am.
You need me there to warm you up.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.24am.
I KNOW, DAMN YOU. THAT DOESN'T HELP.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.26am.
Stop whining, Fernando. You're injured. It's not the end of the world.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.27am.
DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE I DIDN'T GET TO PLAY AT MY OLD HOME GROUND?
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.29am.
I guess I did. You know, things like that just slip under the radar.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.31am.
LIVERPOOL IS SUCKING RIGHT NOW AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE I'M NOT PLAYING.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.34am.
Or... it might be because your defenders are scoring own goals.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.35am.
OR THAT. SERGIO, I'M SO BORED.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.37am.
So go over to Pepe's and nag HIM. I'm trying to sleep here.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.38am.
OKAY, GOOD IDEA.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.39am.
Why are you screaming at me?
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.40am.
I'M NOT. MY PHONE IS STUCK ON CAPSLOCK.
* * * * *
"Hi Pepe! Did I wake you?"
"It's two in the morning."
". . . Did I wake you?"
"Nando, what's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing. I just couldn't sleep."
"Yes, well, I could. And now I'm awake."
"I'm . . . sorry?"
"Never mind. Do you want something to eat?"
"No, no. I just came over for - you know - a chat."
"Right. So, I assume Sergio refused to talk to you at this late hour?"
"He's sleeping, apparently."
"Well, at least one of us is."
"Hey, where are you going?"
"I need to phone someone."
"I just told you, Sergio's asleep."
"Look, if I'm going to be woken up, he is too."
* * * * *
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.12am.
Check your email. Now.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.33am.
WAKE UP FERNANDO. Email!
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.56am.
I'M GOING TO SEND PEPE OVER THERE TO BANG DOWN YOUR DOOR!
Message from: Sergio. Time: 10.17am.
Fernando? Are you pissed off at me?
* * * * *
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 11:09:34
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Why did you email me this?
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 11:12:03
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Finally! I've been sitting in front of this computer for ages. I feel like you.
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 11:15:01
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Why the goal compilation?
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 11:17:14
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
To make you feel better!
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 11:21:45
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
You sent me videos of my goals for Liverpool to make me feel better about the fact that I'm not playing?
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 11:25:13
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Uhm, yes. No. IT MADE SENSE IN MY HEAD.
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 11:27:15
Subject: RE: To make you feel better :)
Fail, Sergio. I'm going back to sleep.
* * * * *
"Sergio told me to tell you that the media in Spain is totally devastated that you didn't get to play against Atléti."
"Álvaro? When did you talk to Sergio?"
"He rang me this morning. Woke me up. I was all excited, thinking that maybe he was trying to hit on me, but no. It was just because you weren't picking up your phone."
"I was sleeping. Do you have a secret crush on Sergio? Because you're not very good at keeping it secret."
"I have a secret crush on pretty much everyone. I had one on you for a while."
"What changed your mind?"
"Sergio told me that you're not very noisy during sex. I like moaners."
". . . Please don't be offended if I ask Sergio to stop talking to you."
* * * * *
Message from: Nando. Time: 6.56pm.
YOUR ATTEMPTS AT CHEERING ME UP AREN'T WORKING. TRY HARDER!
Message from: Sergio. Time: 7.00pm.
Why are you scream- oh. I don't know what else to do. I'm in another country, in case you've forgotten.
Message from: Nando. Time: 7.02pm.
FINNS AND DANNY HAVE PHONE SEX, APPARENTLY.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 7.04pm.
Who and who? And I HAVE offered you phone sex, but it's a little pointless if you're so quiet when you jerk off.
* * * * *
"Cesc? Is there a reason why you're at my door?"
"Hi, Nando! Just thought I'd, you know, drop by."
"You live in London."
"No, really? Look, I heard that you were feeling down, so I thought I'd come over and cheer you up, that's all."
". . . You're too nice for own good, do you know that? Someone's going to use you so badly one day."
"But you won't, will you, Nando -"
"Ah, woah, Cesc, get off my face! What the fuck are you doing?"
"Sergio told me to kiss you for him!"
"Ah, no!"
"Come on -"
"No! Ew, no!"
". . . There was no need to say 'ew', Nando. I got the point when you screamed. Now you're just being hurtful."
* * * * *
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.18pm.
YOU ARE SO DEAD, MISTER.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 1.22pm.
Oh, fuck. Cesc is totally not getting that Spanish-dubbed Heroes DVD set.
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.24pm.
YOU BRIBED HIM?!
Message from: Nando. Time: 1.32pm.
SERGIO??
* * * * *
"Hi, Nando!"
"Cesc, why are you still here? You're not going to kiss me again, are you?"
"No, I'm just here to hang out."
"Shouldn't you be back in London by now?"
"Possibly. Probably. Look, Nando, I don't want to upset you -"
"You already made out with my face. I don't think you could upset me any further."
"You're being really selfish, making Sergio come up with ways to make you feel better about your injury."
"I'm not making him do anything. It's his job, he's my - uh - "
"Boyfriend?"
"Well, if you absolutely must use that word."
"I know he's the one who's supposed to make you feel better, but really, Nando."
"Really what?"
"It's not like you're the first person to ever get injured. We all have to deal with that at some point."
"Really? I had no idea."
"And you should acknowledge the fact that Sergio's trying, he really is."
"Do you want a coffee or something?"
"And it's not like you're alone in this. You have Xabi, and Pepe, and Álvaro, and - okay, maybe Álvaro's not the ideal person
to go to."
"I can whip you up some gazpacho if you want, it's getting to lunchtime."
"So just know that while Sergio's help is important, you can't expect him to be there all the time."
"So I take it you don't want to eat."
"You have to construct a new network around you. And I'm a part of that, don't forget. I'm here for you, man."
"Do you want to play PlayStation?"
"Oh, heck yes!"
"Hey, when are you going back to London? Don't you have a match in two days?"
". . . I left my keys in my living room. I don't know how to get back into my apartment."
". . . You're a douche, Cesc."
* * * * *
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 10:35:26
Subject: RE: Happy five month Euro anniversary!
Videos of our celebrations in Vienna are just as bad as the goals, Sergio. It just makes me feel even worse that I can't play.
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 13:23:49
Subject: RE: Happy five month Euro anniversary!
It's not about the celebrations! It's about you and me, all happy together! Did you even watch them?
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 15:48:12
Subject: RE: Happy five month Euro anniversary!
I've almost exceeded my download limit for this month, I can't afford to watch those videos yet again.
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 18:02:46
Subject: RE: Happy five month Euro anniversary!
What have you been downloading, Nando? IT HAD BETTER NOT BE HET PORN.
* * * * *
"Check your email!"
"It is way too early in the morning for you to be calling me."
"You woke me up at 2am the other night, Nando. I think I have every right to wake you up now. And trust me, it's worth it."
"Why, have you sent me gay porn?"
". . . Hold on a sec."
". . . Sergio?"
"Yeah, I'm here. Okay. . . I have now sent you gay porn. But you have to check my other email first."
"What could possibly be better than gay porn?"
"Nando, are you out of bed yet?"
"Yes, damn it."
"Now, I know the Euro celebration thing didn't really work. But you'll like this one."
"I told you, my download limit -"
"Bye, Nando!"
* * * * *
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 02:42:57
Subject: No words necessary. ;)
From: Nando (lotrparasiempre)
Sent: Today, 03:05:15
Subject: RE: No words necessary. ;)
Now, where on earth did you find that?
From: Sergio (gitano_rojo)
Sent: Today, 03.09:42
Subject: RE: No words necessary. ;)
Same place I find my gay porn: www.livejournal.com :)
* * * * *
"Hey Sergio, what are you doing?"
"Failing at life."
". . . What does Fernando want now?"
"He's all emo because he's injured and he wants me to cheer him up. And nothing I do seems to work."
"Sergio. He's pretty much demanding that you fly to Liverpool and fuck him senseless. I thought that was obvious."
"But I can't leave now! Schuster already hates me."
"Hmm, yeah, good point."
"Iker, you're not meant to agree. You're supposed to say 'No, he doesn't hate you at all'!"
"I'm a bad liar, you know that. Besides, this isn't about you. This is about Fernando and his need for sex."
"Did you ever fly to LA for David?"
"Well, no."
"Well then, isn't it a bit hypocritical to tell me to go to Liverpool if you never went to LA?"
"Unlike Fernando, David is a man. He doesn't need me to do that kind of shit."
"You know, it gets really annoying to hear people calling Fernando a girl all the time. If I wanted that, I'd be going out with
- you know - an actual girl."
"Do you mean to say, that chick you used to date, before you and Fernando got together . . . ?"
"Not a chick, no."
". . . I'm glad you met Fernando."
"Oh, me too. That guy was horrible in bed."
* * * * *
"Oh my God."
"Hello."
". . ."
"Stop gaping, Nando, and let me in. It's damn cold out here."
"You're . . . here."
"It's what you wanted, right?"
"Well, yeah. . . Yes, I did want it."
"So - here I am. All yours. Until tomorrow night, anyway - I have training on Friday morning."
". . ."
"Why are you grinning like that?"
"Because it's amazing how quickly I can wrap you around my little finger."
"Don't go getting any ideas, now. I can't fly over here every time you have a crisis."
"No, I know you can't. But hey - there's always gay porn!"
"What?"
"You have a video camera, right? Actually, never mind, I've got one here. I'm sure we can whip something up for the next time I get injured and need a distraction. . ."
* * * * *
Message from: Iker. Time: 8.11pm.
Precisely why did you feel the need to email me that video?
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.34pm.
What do you mean? I found it when I was trying to figure out ways to cheer Nando up, and I didn't realise how many Euro celebration videos there were!
Message from: Iker. Time: 9.38pm.
What are you talking about?
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.40pm.
The video I sent you. The one with Pepe doing his "camarero" joke - how funny was it? :D
Message from: Iker. Time: 9.41pm.
That's not the video you sent to me.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 9.49pm.
OH SHIT.
Message from: Iker. Time: 9.52pm.
If it's any consolation, you look really good in it. But gosh, that Fernando's a quiet one, huh?
* * * * *
"I am so sorry."
"Sorry doesn't really cut it when our entire national team has my cock on their computers."
"Well, when you put it like that -"
"What other way is there to put it?"
"I'm really, really sorry."
". . . Well, at least we looked good."
"Exactly! So good! And that's all that counts! . . . Right?"
". . . I'm still pissed off at you."
"Damn it."
* * * * *
Message from: Sergio. Time: 2:41pm.
Guys, I need help. Can you (a) never mention that video ever again, and (b) think of a way for me to make this up to Nando?
Message from: Cesc. Time: 2.43pm.
I didn't watch your video. The stillframe was enough to put me off.
Message from: Iker. Time: 2.44pm.
I can't believe you sent Cesc the message too. As if he'll be able to help you.
Message from: Sergio. Time: 2.45pm.
What stillframe?
Message from: Sergio. Time: 2.46pm.
How did you know I asked Cesc as well?
Message from: Cesc. Time: 2.48pm.
That one of you with your finger in your mouth. Ew.
Message from: Iker. Time: 2.50pm.
You said 'guys'. Last time I checked, there was only one of me. And why are you texting me, anyway? I'm ten metres away at the treadmills.
Message from: Cesc. Time: 2.55pm.
OH MY GOD THAT WASN'T A FINGER, WAS IT? EWWWW.
* * * * *
"Iker, I need you to help me come up with an idea."
"When I said I was at the treadmills, it wasn't an invite for you to come over."
"Idea. Now."
"Why do you have to bug me all the time? Why not Raúl, or Gago, or - anyone else?"
"Stop complaining and start brainstorming."
"If I must."
". . ."
". . ."
"Are you brainstorming?"
"Yes."
"Good."
". . ."
". . ."
"Iker. . . I can't think of anything!"
"Well, neither can I, if you keep talking!"
"Sorry."
"It's okay."
". . ."
". . ."
"Any ideas?"
"Well. . . Do you want sweet, or corny, or sentimental?"
"There's a difference?"
"Oh, Sergio. You're so young."
"Uh, sweet would be good."
"Sorry, all I've got is corny."
". . ."
". . ."
". . . Okay, just tell me the corny idea."
* * * * *
"Sergio? What are you doing here? At - four in the morning?"
"I feel really bad about the video. I couldn't sleep."
"So you flew all the way here again? Don't you have a match tomorrow? Sergio, I - honestly, what are you doing here, banging down my door? I thought I had a terrorist outside my house!"
"Yes, because I'm sure they knock."
"Shut up, you, and get inside, it's freezing out there. Hey, what's that you've got with you?"
". . ."
"Sergio? That smile is worrying me."
"Well, let's just say that you're not the only person I woke up tonight, Nando."
"Have you stolen a baby or something?"
"What? No! No, I just decided to bring you something. Something to remind you of what you had, and what you still have."
". . . You bring a whole new meaning to the word 'cryptic', do you know that?"
"I rang Luis García, who gave me some numbers and addresses, and - well - see for yourself."
". . . An old football? Oh my gosh, are these what I think they -"
"Signatures. From all your Atléti teammates. Oh, and Iker wanted to sign it too, so, uh, yeah."
"Oh, man. This is - I - man."
"I take it you like it?"
"I just - I can't believe it. You did all this? Tonight?"
"Well, I really do feel bad about that video. And I know how upset you were about missing the Atléti game, so . . ."
"This is - I don't even know - this is amazing."
"Well, thank God - because let me tell you, your old friends weren't too happy about being woken up by a Merengue. But when they found out it was for you -"
"This is the single most awesome thing you could have woken me up for. I - I don't know what to say - I just - "
"You don't have to say anything. Just realise that being injured doesn't mean you're any less wanted."
". . . Damn it, Sergio, now I feel really guilty. For all the shit I've put you through these past few days."
"Ah, don't worry about it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I mean, just look at that video we made. I think I got something pretty good out of the whole thing, too."
"Well, there is nothing like gay porn, after all."
"What do you say we make a sequel?"
"I say yes, definitely. But this time, we're keeping the DVD here. I'm not dealing with our teammates commenting on my
blowjobs anymore."
"But what if I want to watch it?"
"Well, it's just another excuse for you to come back and visit, isn't it?"