last night of chaos before the trek to the land of the rising sun
Last night was supposed to be fun and it was for the most part. We had a bbq at the park first and I got drunk right away. I think it was the heat or probably the six pack of sams the arrogant bastard and the 5 budwiesers. Then we went down town to a few bars and did a few shots I mostly drank giant guiness'. My friends made me go talk to a girl last night to. I actually had a good hour conversation with her and we played go fishand war right in the bar. she is of hopi decent was really smart funny and very very good looking. She liked me to which was kind of weird. She even invited me back to her place after but I had to decline. for one thing she reminded me of you know who. and secondly I dont want to get involved for a really long time. Plus that would be just sleazy to go home with her and have to sneak off in the morning. I dont have the young male sex drive that I used to.
I talked to caitlin yesterday as well during the bbq. She dropped off my things to the parents house. It made me really sad. I felt like the last nail in the coffin before I get burried alive. Plus I was kind of a dick on the phone. I cant help it I just feel so bad about the whole situation. It consumes most of my day its all I can think about. I just know I am slowly getting replaced by some one else. I know she doesnt ever want to get back together. Karma is truely biting me in the ass big time. I feel like I am in high school again. I used to feel this way all the time. I told myself that I wouldnt act this way again and I failing miserabley. Maybe I just need to start acting happy and be a friend to caitlin and just let her move on. I know Im still dragging her down I just dont want or have the strength to let go.
I would blow my brains out in exchange for just ten minutes of her sleeping on my chest drooling and snoring. Thats pretty sad. What the hell is wrong with me. Love is a cruel mistress and karma is her ass hole husband. Weill I guess its time for me to meet up with a pack of camels and two arrogant bastards read a paper and go to sleep knowing tomorrow my life goes on hold until august.