(no subject)
"I was so comfortable with our life. I loved being able to go out, do whatever, and know that you were at home, waiting, supporting me. I hate that I realized we weren't going to progress any further. I hate even more that working through the superficial issues of our relationship exposed the one problem that shattered us. You were my foundation, you kept my head on straight , sane and responsible for four years. Now i feel like my foundation has been ripped out from under me. Ive been afraid to let myself miss you because i couldn't deal with that pain the first time i was faced with it. So i ran and crawled up inside my friends. In a boy. I clung to him, and he to me, until i stopped sleeping and began to clutch. It was too much too fast. And now we are backing away so we can deal with our breakups. But it was like pulling a bandage off a wound that never healed. It festered. And hurts all the more. I'm scared because im alone. There's noone coming home. No animals. I don't know what to do with myself. Nor can i try to find the strength to figure out how"
Damnit. Damn. It.
This is exactly the pain I was trying to save you from, this is EXACTLY what I said to you when you started running away.
I still don't know what problem was exposed outside of your inability to forgive me.
I said one hurtful thing to you when you had one foot out the door and you never let it go.
Whatever, it doesn't matter now. You're gone and we're done.
But now you're heading down the scariest path of all, having to deal with your life alone.
I long to be there, to guide you, to comfort your pain...but I can't be.
I don't think you're nearly as done running as you think you are. You have not felt nearly half of this pain.
To be honest, I hope its not as deep as mine was... is. No one deserves that.
I don't know where you and I will end up after all is said and done. We can't be together right now. I recognize that much.
Though part of me still wants you back, wants this to all be a nightmare.
I have come too far to fall back into comfort.
We share so much history, so much love, and still trust. We can be friends. But when and how, I do not yet know.
Love is transformative, transcendental. It does not end, because it is infinite. The nature of a relationship can change, a person can change, but love is always there. It is the human experience of the divine spirit. After infatuation and lust, after anger and pain, through fear and betrayal, there is always love. It is only how much of that love we choose to experience. The darkest parts of our life, the deepest depths of pain and loneliness are necessary. Necessary for growth, necessary for true understanding and appreciation. We have to learn from this, Sammy. We have to grow. We have to recognize our mistakes, our mis-steps. We cannot leave this relationship bitter and regretful, we must leave it transformed. Because we touched something real. We knew, for a while, True Love. Neither one of us was ready for it. I have to fully realize the transformation I am only beginning. I have so many habits, so many old fears that I need to confront and wash away. I have to take everything I have preached, everything I have studied and believed for so long and apply it ALL of the time. You have to grow into yourself, into your life, find yourself. I have seen you, the real you. I know your potential, your true self. I know the love you are capable of. I know the true brilliance that lies just beneath the surface, waiting for the chance to be seen. I know also the pain you carry with you that keeps you from realizing it. I hope that someday you will see yourself as I have seen you. I hope we understand someday what role we had to play in each others' lives.
I love you. Always.
Damnit. Damn. It.
This is exactly the pain I was trying to save you from, this is EXACTLY what I said to you when you started running away.
I still don't know what problem was exposed outside of your inability to forgive me.
I said one hurtful thing to you when you had one foot out the door and you never let it go.
Whatever, it doesn't matter now. You're gone and we're done.
But now you're heading down the scariest path of all, having to deal with your life alone.
I long to be there, to guide you, to comfort your pain...but I can't be.
I don't think you're nearly as done running as you think you are. You have not felt nearly half of this pain.
To be honest, I hope its not as deep as mine was... is. No one deserves that.
I don't know where you and I will end up after all is said and done. We can't be together right now. I recognize that much.
Though part of me still wants you back, wants this to all be a nightmare.
I have come too far to fall back into comfort.
We share so much history, so much love, and still trust. We can be friends. But when and how, I do not yet know.
Love is transformative, transcendental. It does not end, because it is infinite. The nature of a relationship can change, a person can change, but love is always there. It is the human experience of the divine spirit. After infatuation and lust, after anger and pain, through fear and betrayal, there is always love. It is only how much of that love we choose to experience. The darkest parts of our life, the deepest depths of pain and loneliness are necessary. Necessary for growth, necessary for true understanding and appreciation. We have to learn from this, Sammy. We have to grow. We have to recognize our mistakes, our mis-steps. We cannot leave this relationship bitter and regretful, we must leave it transformed. Because we touched something real. We knew, for a while, True Love. Neither one of us was ready for it. I have to fully realize the transformation I am only beginning. I have so many habits, so many old fears that I need to confront and wash away. I have to take everything I have preached, everything I have studied and believed for so long and apply it ALL of the time. You have to grow into yourself, into your life, find yourself. I have seen you, the real you. I know your potential, your true self. I know the love you are capable of. I know the true brilliance that lies just beneath the surface, waiting for the chance to be seen. I know also the pain you carry with you that keeps you from realizing it. I hope that someday you will see yourself as I have seen you. I hope we understand someday what role we had to play in each others' lives.
I love you. Always.