(no subject)
I miss you
I can't will it away
Going out into the world, living these distractions, this is supposed to make it better.
Everything reminds me of you, and I feel that lack. Every victory is less without you here.
No amount of justification, of deconstruction, of judgements and understanding,
Nothing makes this lack disappear.
I still have a hole in my heart.
Make it stop.
Get Out Of My Head.
This is perhaps the lesson for me. One among many.
This feeling cannot be explained away.
All of the things you were supposed to be
We were supposed to be.
How can everything I felt to be true for so long be a lie?
I'm sad because I lost you, but having you can't fix it.
Nothing fixes it.
"Nothing made losing them ok, I just learned to continue living."
Why is this the ending that ruins me? Why is this the relationship that breaks me?
I recovered so well from Amanda. I took everything since her in stride.
Something keeps bringing me back here. Something keeps ripping this wound open again and again.
Why you? Why this? Why here? Why now?
Why can't I let you go?
I'm probably not well versed enough in this but I have to do something.
Care: I always cared ABOUT you, maybe I didn't care enough FOR you. When I finally found what caring meant, what the depths of my illusion had been, the damage was too far gone. So you say.
Commitment: I was committed to in word and deed. Maybe my stray thoughts, and honesty about them to you did more damage than you wanted me to know. I never acted on a feeling, I never allowed those thoughts to stay. I wanted you, always you. Always.
Trust: I bloody well trusted you. To my own demise, I trusted you. You trusted me to not hurt you. And I did. I am eternally sorry for that.
Knowledge: I tried to let you see me, to ask the questions, to know you and let you know me. This changed over time and we grew apart, and afraid to let the other see our true self, until we got to where we are now... when sometimes I look at you, or your actions, or words.. and I don't know who you are. Because you changed so much and I didn't see it. I'm sorry I looked away. I'm sorry I hid away.
Responsibility: I... I don't know. I shirked my responsibilities as your partner. I was overwhelmed at having to be your one rock. I was afraid of being solely responsible for your happiness. You fell away in this department too. Responsibility to me, to be honest. Honesty includes saying the things that are hard, that might hurt the person you're telling it to. We used to be so good at that. What happened?
Respect: I did not respect your differences, I tolerated them. I assumed my way, my belief, was better. I didn't understand what that meant until very recently.
I can't give that the reasoning it deserves, maybe after I finish the book.
All I keep seeing is that the changes that needed to be made, the problems that were occurring, are all things I have started to recognize and change in myself. You saw it too. Why couldn't you forgive me?
...Why can't I forgive myself?
I can't will it away
Going out into the world, living these distractions, this is supposed to make it better.
Everything reminds me of you, and I feel that lack. Every victory is less without you here.
No amount of justification, of deconstruction, of judgements and understanding,
Nothing makes this lack disappear.
I still have a hole in my heart.
Make it stop.
Get Out Of My Head.
This is perhaps the lesson for me. One among many.
This feeling cannot be explained away.
All of the things you were supposed to be
We were supposed to be.
How can everything I felt to be true for so long be a lie?
I'm sad because I lost you, but having you can't fix it.
Nothing fixes it.
"Nothing made losing them ok, I just learned to continue living."
Why is this the ending that ruins me? Why is this the relationship that breaks me?
I recovered so well from Amanda. I took everything since her in stride.
Something keeps bringing me back here. Something keeps ripping this wound open again and again.
Why you? Why this? Why here? Why now?
Why can't I let you go?
I'm probably not well versed enough in this but I have to do something.
Care: I always cared ABOUT you, maybe I didn't care enough FOR you. When I finally found what caring meant, what the depths of my illusion had been, the damage was too far gone. So you say.
Commitment: I was committed to in word and deed. Maybe my stray thoughts, and honesty about them to you did more damage than you wanted me to know. I never acted on a feeling, I never allowed those thoughts to stay. I wanted you, always you. Always.
Trust: I bloody well trusted you. To my own demise, I trusted you. You trusted me to not hurt you. And I did. I am eternally sorry for that.
Knowledge: I tried to let you see me, to ask the questions, to know you and let you know me. This changed over time and we grew apart, and afraid to let the other see our true self, until we got to where we are now... when sometimes I look at you, or your actions, or words.. and I don't know who you are. Because you changed so much and I didn't see it. I'm sorry I looked away. I'm sorry I hid away.
Responsibility: I... I don't know. I shirked my responsibilities as your partner. I was overwhelmed at having to be your one rock. I was afraid of being solely responsible for your happiness. You fell away in this department too. Responsibility to me, to be honest. Honesty includes saying the things that are hard, that might hurt the person you're telling it to. We used to be so good at that. What happened?
Respect: I did not respect your differences, I tolerated them. I assumed my way, my belief, was better. I didn't understand what that meant until very recently.
I can't give that the reasoning it deserves, maybe after I finish the book.
All I keep seeing is that the changes that needed to be made, the problems that were occurring, are all things I have started to recognize and change in myself. You saw it too. Why couldn't you forgive me?
...Why can't I forgive myself?