Still coping with the world...
You know, I am not certain if my posts are benefiting the world these days. I'll go ahead and put them behind links so that if they aren't beneficial, you can ignore them. This one has a lot of female related issues since that is what is ongoing, much to my frustration. Skip it if it squicks you.
I am weary. I'm tired and feel hollow and I'm sick of feeling that way.
It definately doesn't help that I've been bleeding now for three and a half months. The doctress says that we know how to fix it and that it should be stopping. It lessens but never really stops. When I was first diagnosed with these troubles, I was told that I had good ovaries and good uterus but no tubes, those were eaten by "Testicle eating iguanas... they eat ovaries [and other necessary girlbits] too" the medical term for my iguanas is endometriosis.
Anywho... I was in so much pain most of the time, she put me on the pill to regulate it. That made me have life interrupting pain for one week instead of three per month, it was a significant improvment but was still causing me a great amount of trouble. Then the pill freaked out my system, and I started bleeding a week after my regular cycle. I spoke to the Doctress, she said that it was because the generic version didn't have regulated amounts of medication, so if you get off schedule by one day, it can do that. At that same time, I mentioned that I was still in a LOT of pain so she suggested that I get this Depo-pravera shot to get rid of the cyclic rotation altogether. So, here I am, a woman who wants to bear, carry and rear her own child more than anything in the world, stuck on birth control, and bleeding all of my functioning organs away. The medicine she has me on makes me fat, tired and weepy. I feel old and completely useless.
I'm trying my best to hold hope. I'm told that when I can afford it, I can use invitro fertilization to combine my DNA with my husband's and it will become a very natural process after they get those eggs squirted in there (if there is any place left - did you know that your uterus can crack?). I am worried that Jon is going to keep it second on our priority list and it will be too late when we finally get down to it. I am more than worried about that, it nearly consumes me. I want to be working on that RIGHT NOW because too late is fast upon us and I can feel time and opportunity slipping away. Why wouldn't the Gods put the stupid bioclock on men instead. They're so freaking level headed, let them be the ones who's time runs out!
I think I am starting to feel bitter towards Jon. I don't want to feel that way but sometimes I do. Most of the time I can corner it and force myself not to think about it. Focus on the good but sometimes, when he's doing something else that makes me mad, I remember that he's making me wait for-ever and he's not hearing me when I tell him that we need to get started NOW. We aren't the young 20-something year old newly weds who have a lifetime to get established then maybe start their family. One of the first things I mentioned when we contemplated getting serious was that I wanted kids and if he didn't, there was no sense in us dating. Did he think I meant in 20 fricking years? It is five years later and the time is now. We keep waiting and waiting and when we start trying, I'm not going to have anything left. I bet the Endometriosis will have eaten my liver (it was on there too) and all of my necessary parts away. "Sorry, Mrs. Haynie, I know you HAD ovaries but that was three years ago..."
I've had the most profound and realistic dreams about my children. A girl and a boy. I've always known that I would have a little girl so this whole thing was and continues to be a shock to my life patterns. I have seen her face in several dreams and even know what her name is. A few nights ago, I was holding her when Jon's damndog woke me up. I wanted to howl because I felt the loss of that acutely. I want to sleep all of the time, just so that I can find that place again.
So, I'm thinking about seeing a therapist (I don't even know where to start beyond considering it) but I am really afraid to. What if they can't help me find my way back to something meaningful? What if I have to keep all of the anger and frustration I try to suppress to myself, still. What if my head explodes and I make bigger mess of everything?
hmm... dunno.
Ok, I've got something good to talk about. I ordered a wedding album and it has just arrived. My graphic designer JIdol, whom I love, did all of the work and it's GORGEOUS! I'll have it just in time for my in-laws visit tomorrow evening. I am making appley pies for their visit and a second pie for my friends to enjoy. I am suprisingly good at appley pies, I find. HA! There's a purpose for me in this world afterall.
I am weary. I'm tired and feel hollow and I'm sick of feeling that way.
It definately doesn't help that I've been bleeding now for three and a half months. The doctress says that we know how to fix it and that it should be stopping. It lessens but never really stops. When I was first diagnosed with these troubles, I was told that I had good ovaries and good uterus but no tubes, those were eaten by "Testicle eating iguanas... they eat ovaries [and other necessary girlbits] too" the medical term for my iguanas is endometriosis.
Anywho... I was in so much pain most of the time, she put me on the pill to regulate it. That made me have life interrupting pain for one week instead of three per month, it was a significant improvment but was still causing me a great amount of trouble. Then the pill freaked out my system, and I started bleeding a week after my regular cycle. I spoke to the Doctress, she said that it was because the generic version didn't have regulated amounts of medication, so if you get off schedule by one day, it can do that. At that same time, I mentioned that I was still in a LOT of pain so she suggested that I get this Depo-pravera shot to get rid of the cyclic rotation altogether. So, here I am, a woman who wants to bear, carry and rear her own child more than anything in the world, stuck on birth control, and bleeding all of my functioning organs away. The medicine she has me on makes me fat, tired and weepy. I feel old and completely useless.
I'm trying my best to hold hope. I'm told that when I can afford it, I can use invitro fertilization to combine my DNA with my husband's and it will become a very natural process after they get those eggs squirted in there (if there is any place left - did you know that your uterus can crack?). I am worried that Jon is going to keep it second on our priority list and it will be too late when we finally get down to it. I am more than worried about that, it nearly consumes me. I want to be working on that RIGHT NOW because too late is fast upon us and I can feel time and opportunity slipping away. Why wouldn't the Gods put the stupid bioclock on men instead. They're so freaking level headed, let them be the ones who's time runs out!
I think I am starting to feel bitter towards Jon. I don't want to feel that way but sometimes I do. Most of the time I can corner it and force myself not to think about it. Focus on the good but sometimes, when he's doing something else that makes me mad, I remember that he's making me wait for-ever and he's not hearing me when I tell him that we need to get started NOW. We aren't the young 20-something year old newly weds who have a lifetime to get established then maybe start their family. One of the first things I mentioned when we contemplated getting serious was that I wanted kids and if he didn't, there was no sense in us dating. Did he think I meant in 20 fricking years? It is five years later and the time is now. We keep waiting and waiting and when we start trying, I'm not going to have anything left. I bet the Endometriosis will have eaten my liver (it was on there too) and all of my necessary parts away. "Sorry, Mrs. Haynie, I know you HAD ovaries but that was three years ago..."
I've had the most profound and realistic dreams about my children. A girl and a boy. I've always known that I would have a little girl so this whole thing was and continues to be a shock to my life patterns. I have seen her face in several dreams and even know what her name is. A few nights ago, I was holding her when Jon's damndog woke me up. I wanted to howl because I felt the loss of that acutely. I want to sleep all of the time, just so that I can find that place again.
So, I'm thinking about seeing a therapist (I don't even know where to start beyond considering it) but I am really afraid to. What if they can't help me find my way back to something meaningful? What if I have to keep all of the anger and frustration I try to suppress to myself, still. What if my head explodes and I make bigger mess of everything?
hmm... dunno.
Ok, I've got something good to talk about. I ordered a wedding album and it has just arrived. My graphic designer JIdol, whom I love, did all of the work and it's GORGEOUS! I'll have it just in time for my in-laws visit tomorrow evening. I am making appley pies for their visit and a second pie for my friends to enjoy. I am suprisingly good at appley pies, I find. HA! There's a purpose for me in this world afterall.