(no subject)
okay so i just need to let something outs. im here in room just thinking and thinking some more. about my stantards and stuff like that. things i hold myself too. and then i started thinking about josh and how he meets them and in what ways or ways he doesnt. and the two biggest things are the thinigs i fear him have problems with. first just being flat out romantic with me. like being able to do something for me with out it being a important day or something. like the things i do for him. like the notes, the card. the letters when he went away. or the messages on myspace. i just want more of that. its that kinda of stuff that makes me feels important to him. I know he is busy and stuff but come on. it only takes 5 minutes to drop by on ur way to school and say good mornig or iwanted to kiss you before i went in to school. but he always says i will be over in the morning and well its happens about once every other day. on the same note with all this i worry that im doing to much or not the right things for him. i try to show him how much he means to mean and the way he acts i never know if he really understands how i feel about him. i always tell him about how much he means to me in hope that one time he will tell me what he is feeling or thinking but everytime we talk about it. he says yes i know or will say i love you too and its worries me. it bring two feelings to me one he loves or two he is just saying it. i love him with all my heart and i dont want to spend a day with out him. i guess im just a romantic.Second thing that has been getting to me is the job/work/money/our own place i keep talk to him about it hoping that he will get going but yet to see him get going. i know he is only 18 and all so i dont push him to hard on it bc i wnat him to have fun and enjoy it all. but i mean dont tell me that you want alll this and you want our own place if your not going to work for it with me. i cant do it all on my own. and dont want to be the who bring in all the money . i want him to be happy dong somethign and i know he wont be happy working for this dad. i just want him to better himself. to me its important that you keep bettering yourself. and i dont see him doing that. its okay to not know what you want to do in life yet but get ur self going so that you can find it somehow.i wish he would so me that he is trying someway. i dont care if its even a book about jobs. he could do anything int he world and i wouldnt really care as long as he is happy. and kenny....kenny knows that he likes josh and josh knows that kenny likes him. yet josh keeps playing these games with kenny. and flirting with him. josh may not see it as flirting but its flirting when you make the other person want you more. or do stuff or take stuff that he gives you. i mean come on. and then to tell me that you want a job there. or to say taht you can tell me something.???? whats up with that. there is nothing that i wouildnt tell you. if someone tellss me something and says but dont tell anyone that anyone doesnt mean josh. bc josh is me and im josh. i tell him every and anything. and to hear him say i cant tell you come on. that hurts like he doesnt trust me or something. and the getting a job thing with kenny. he knows that upsets me and he knows why but he still wants to do it. i would never do anything that might hurt our relationship like that. i trust him i love him , i want to be with him and only him all my life. i couldnt say that with anyone else but with him i can.