say hello to the rug's topography
he left this morning.
everytime i say that i hear it in my head, wishing i meant he left me. not just left town. wishing he would have told me he was sick of my shit and just walked out on me. took his stuff, kissed lucy goodbye and drove away to a happier life.
but he didn't
and i miss him.
i knew this would happen. the moment he left i'd love him again. i'd miss him. i'd need him.
i think i need to focus on us. i think that is my problem.
i've been holding on to the past. i've been holding on to john. i've been holding on to other men who have influenced my life and loved me differently than oli will ever be able to. but i feel like maybe if i just focus on loving oli and letting him love me, it might be okay.
i keep thinking about meeting someone who will sweep me off my feet. and that isn't fair. and that isn't going to happen. i keep meeting single guys who have conversations with ease and i wonder.
but then i come home to his arms and i can't say i've ever felt alone when he holds me.
i need to be honest. i need to be honest with me and as honest as possible with him. i just dont know how to be.
i keep focusing on the bad. i keep focusing on the differences instead of the reason why we're still together.
but i'm not sure how long that will last. i'm not sure how accurate this is.
this could be some lonely guilt brought about by an entire day by myself in a big house and my puppy, without him.
this could be due to the fact that i've eaten like a fucking rabbit all day and have killed a bottle of wine and some tequila.
i just don't know how to feel or why to feel that way. i'm disgusted with myself.
oh and every time i hear the song 'thinking of you' by katy perry i lose it.
i need to get to where i was last summer. i need to read the four agreements again. i need to remember how to love.
i also realized some of my animosty was from the marriage thing.
i dont think he realizes that getting engaged doesn't mean marriage to me. it doesn't mean it any time soon, it is just a commitment i wanted to make to him. when i realized he didn't feel the same (simply because we have different definitions for the idea) i was bitter.
i hate the fact that so many men have wanted to marry me, and finally, the one i thought i wanted to spend my life with, is the first one who doesn't want to marry me.
it still hurts to think about. but i know it is my fault. i feel like i'm breaking up with myself everyday.
i'm so tired of being sad all the time. i wish he understood. christ i wish he understood!
he never will though. so i think i should just probably change the way i think. and the way i hate myself and him for making me this way.
i'm tired of crying.
everytime i say that i hear it in my head, wishing i meant he left me. not just left town. wishing he would have told me he was sick of my shit and just walked out on me. took his stuff, kissed lucy goodbye and drove away to a happier life.
but he didn't
and i miss him.
i knew this would happen. the moment he left i'd love him again. i'd miss him. i'd need him.
i think i need to focus on us. i think that is my problem.
i've been holding on to the past. i've been holding on to john. i've been holding on to other men who have influenced my life and loved me differently than oli will ever be able to. but i feel like maybe if i just focus on loving oli and letting him love me, it might be okay.
i keep thinking about meeting someone who will sweep me off my feet. and that isn't fair. and that isn't going to happen. i keep meeting single guys who have conversations with ease and i wonder.
but then i come home to his arms and i can't say i've ever felt alone when he holds me.
i need to be honest. i need to be honest with me and as honest as possible with him. i just dont know how to be.
i keep focusing on the bad. i keep focusing on the differences instead of the reason why we're still together.
but i'm not sure how long that will last. i'm not sure how accurate this is.
this could be some lonely guilt brought about by an entire day by myself in a big house and my puppy, without him.
this could be due to the fact that i've eaten like a fucking rabbit all day and have killed a bottle of wine and some tequila.
i just don't know how to feel or why to feel that way. i'm disgusted with myself.
oh and every time i hear the song 'thinking of you' by katy perry i lose it.
i need to get to where i was last summer. i need to read the four agreements again. i need to remember how to love.
i also realized some of my animosty was from the marriage thing.
i dont think he realizes that getting engaged doesn't mean marriage to me. it doesn't mean it any time soon, it is just a commitment i wanted to make to him. when i realized he didn't feel the same (simply because we have different definitions for the idea) i was bitter.
i hate the fact that so many men have wanted to marry me, and finally, the one i thought i wanted to spend my life with, is the first one who doesn't want to marry me.
it still hurts to think about. but i know it is my fault. i feel like i'm breaking up with myself everyday.
i'm so tired of being sad all the time. i wish he understood. christ i wish he understood!
he never will though. so i think i should just probably change the way i think. and the way i hate myself and him for making me this way.
i'm tired of crying.