how lucky we are
finally.
a realization.
i will never marry this man.
why?
because we are acting out what married life would be like. the only difference would be the titles, the obligation and i'd have one less thing to think about.
he has seen me at my worst, and him at his. he can fuck me when he wants to. he can do what he wants when i go to work, when i go out with friends, i make him dinner, i go to sleep next to him, i wake up next to him and he doesn't have any obligations right now he wouldn't have if we were to get married.
he lies to his family about us living together. he lies to his family about the puppy. i bought it. its mine. and i live on base. somehow, that doesn't make sense. a single airmen on base with a puppy. thanks oli. make your family think i'm the lying temptress whore that is corrupting their little boy.
make me the scapegoat so you don't have to face the disappointed looks from your parents that will soon pass and be replaced with the love they have for you, the love you'll never let me have.
he will propose to me after he has had a few years to feel it out and settle down. he will propose to me when he wants to be able to tell his parents we live together. he will propose once he wants to have children, just to spare himself the shame of being the only member of the family to produce a child out of wed lock.
i'm disgusted at this situation. he has no idea who i am. he has no respect for what i am. he has no curiosity about my inner workings and my complexities and the things that piss me off about us.
we ruined this. he and i. we destroyed it with our haste. we destroyed it with our lust. we destroyed it with our infatuation with each other that we interpreted mistakenly as love.
i don't love him because i have no idea who he is and i can, with certainty, say the same thing about him.
and he would never listen. he would never hear this argument. this is just me being neurotic. this is just me bringing up engagement and kids because i'm a woman and that is what i do.
LOOK AT THE CONTEXT FOR ONCE.
how many times can i write this. how many times can i think this. how many times can this consume my every thought from my dreams, to the moment i wake up to the time i go back to sleep some days.
why am i looking forward to his departure. why am i excited to cherish the few days i have while he is away at a tragic remembrance.
how dare i look myself in the mirror anymore. its a wonder i recognize the despicable woman i see in the reflection.
this is not me. this is not how i saw things going.
but... like mother like daughter i suppose.
a realization.
i will never marry this man.
why?
because we are acting out what married life would be like. the only difference would be the titles, the obligation and i'd have one less thing to think about.
he has seen me at my worst, and him at his. he can fuck me when he wants to. he can do what he wants when i go to work, when i go out with friends, i make him dinner, i go to sleep next to him, i wake up next to him and he doesn't have any obligations right now he wouldn't have if we were to get married.
he lies to his family about us living together. he lies to his family about the puppy. i bought it. its mine. and i live on base. somehow, that doesn't make sense. a single airmen on base with a puppy. thanks oli. make your family think i'm the lying temptress whore that is corrupting their little boy.
make me the scapegoat so you don't have to face the disappointed looks from your parents that will soon pass and be replaced with the love they have for you, the love you'll never let me have.
he will propose to me after he has had a few years to feel it out and settle down. he will propose to me when he wants to be able to tell his parents we live together. he will propose once he wants to have children, just to spare himself the shame of being the only member of the family to produce a child out of wed lock.
i'm disgusted at this situation. he has no idea who i am. he has no respect for what i am. he has no curiosity about my inner workings and my complexities and the things that piss me off about us.
we ruined this. he and i. we destroyed it with our haste. we destroyed it with our lust. we destroyed it with our infatuation with each other that we interpreted mistakenly as love.
i don't love him because i have no idea who he is and i can, with certainty, say the same thing about him.
and he would never listen. he would never hear this argument. this is just me being neurotic. this is just me bringing up engagement and kids because i'm a woman and that is what i do.
LOOK AT THE CONTEXT FOR ONCE.
how many times can i write this. how many times can i think this. how many times can this consume my every thought from my dreams, to the moment i wake up to the time i go back to sleep some days.
why am i looking forward to his departure. why am i excited to cherish the few days i have while he is away at a tragic remembrance.
how dare i look myself in the mirror anymore. its a wonder i recognize the despicable woman i see in the reflection.
this is not me. this is not how i saw things going.
but... like mother like daughter i suppose.