(no subject)
i never envisioned spending the rest of my life with someone.
but i can't post this on myspace so i must post it here. because i must get it out of my head...
but i remember the exact moment i fell in love with him. and i can't shake it.
i can't shake how well we have begun to work together. how enamored with each other we are.
i can't shake the way he looks at me. the way i feel myself looking at him even though i dont mean to...
the way i can't wait to come home from work.
after being around him, living with him, for this whole time. at first it wasn't like this. i wanted to spend time with everyone else. i wanted to keep something to talk to him about. have a separate life.
and while i still want that i want to share everything with him as soon as possible.
i am in love and i forgot what it felt like.
i never thought i'd feel like this again,and i never thought i'd have a new definition for love like he's given me.
i remember when i walked into ian's house.
i was wearing a black halter dress, my hair was pulled back into a red chopstick, my earrings were red. ian hugged me and we laughed and talked and i asked where oli was. ian yelled for oli and he came walking down the stairs, in his grey army tshirt, he hugged me, a hug unlike any other hug in my life, a hug i'll never forget, and a hug that didn't last nearly long enough. i pulled back, looked at him and fell in love whether i wanted to or not.
that night, at 1130, he kissed me and said happy birthday, and i fell harder. we went to the bar at midnight to celebrate my passage into adulthood and get me my first shots, he held my hand beneath the table and i fell even harder.
the next day, we went out, nothing spectacular, i think we were both a little afraid and i was certainly a little intoxicated.
then we went on our first official date in my eyes. our trip to starbucks, our talk about us. what should we do, what CAN we do, what will we do. he made promises i thought were empty, simply due to my conditioning to think such things.
then i cried. in front of ian after a few too many drinks while oli wasnt around. i blamed my allergies but in all reality it was because i thought i'd never see oli again. he and myra were sitting on the other couch. i was crying. i said its just my allergies, i'm not crying about oli. and ian said yeah sure shorty.
and then it hit me. then i realize when he walked down the stairs with his beautiful eyes that i was in love and i had been all along.
if one thing had gone differently, if i hadn't hit that deer, if i could have driven, if we had gone to the park, if we had all gone to warped tour, if anything had gone differently i wonder if it would, or could, possibly be this amazing.
all these things i wish i could say out loud to him, but for some reason i know now isn't the time.... but i need to write it down because of my memory, because i never want to forget this kind of love, the best love i've ever been in. i need to write it down so i can read it in the future. if we do or don't stay together, either way i want to remember feeling this intensely passionate about it that i had to write down the details months later...
i can't stand how happy i am. i can't stand how in love i am.
but i don't want to do anything about it.
but i can't post this on myspace so i must post it here. because i must get it out of my head...
but i remember the exact moment i fell in love with him. and i can't shake it.
i can't shake how well we have begun to work together. how enamored with each other we are.
i can't shake the way he looks at me. the way i feel myself looking at him even though i dont mean to...
the way i can't wait to come home from work.
after being around him, living with him, for this whole time. at first it wasn't like this. i wanted to spend time with everyone else. i wanted to keep something to talk to him about. have a separate life.
and while i still want that i want to share everything with him as soon as possible.
i am in love and i forgot what it felt like.
i never thought i'd feel like this again,and i never thought i'd have a new definition for love like he's given me.
i remember when i walked into ian's house.
i was wearing a black halter dress, my hair was pulled back into a red chopstick, my earrings were red. ian hugged me and we laughed and talked and i asked where oli was. ian yelled for oli and he came walking down the stairs, in his grey army tshirt, he hugged me, a hug unlike any other hug in my life, a hug i'll never forget, and a hug that didn't last nearly long enough. i pulled back, looked at him and fell in love whether i wanted to or not.
that night, at 1130, he kissed me and said happy birthday, and i fell harder. we went to the bar at midnight to celebrate my passage into adulthood and get me my first shots, he held my hand beneath the table and i fell even harder.
the next day, we went out, nothing spectacular, i think we were both a little afraid and i was certainly a little intoxicated.
then we went on our first official date in my eyes. our trip to starbucks, our talk about us. what should we do, what CAN we do, what will we do. he made promises i thought were empty, simply due to my conditioning to think such things.
then i cried. in front of ian after a few too many drinks while oli wasnt around. i blamed my allergies but in all reality it was because i thought i'd never see oli again. he and myra were sitting on the other couch. i was crying. i said its just my allergies, i'm not crying about oli. and ian said yeah sure shorty.
and then it hit me. then i realize when he walked down the stairs with his beautiful eyes that i was in love and i had been all along.
if one thing had gone differently, if i hadn't hit that deer, if i could have driven, if we had gone to the park, if we had all gone to warped tour, if anything had gone differently i wonder if it would, or could, possibly be this amazing.
all these things i wish i could say out loud to him, but for some reason i know now isn't the time.... but i need to write it down because of my memory, because i never want to forget this kind of love, the best love i've ever been in. i need to write it down so i can read it in the future. if we do or don't stay together, either way i want to remember feeling this intensely passionate about it that i had to write down the details months later...
i can't stand how happy i am. i can't stand how in love i am.
but i don't want to do anything about it.