(no subject)
dinner and too much wine with the ex boyfriend makes for an entirely too contemplative emerald.
to have a consistent conversation through the car ride there, the salad, the wine, the dinner, the dessert, the ride back.
what am i looking for. honestly.
he and i were very honest with each other again tonight.
he said something silly and i said 'hey its not my fault you're insane'
and he said 'i could argue that.'
and i just took a gulp of wine and laughed.
he made a motion and then caught himself, i asked what he was doing and he confessed he had almost scooped up some of the dessert and fed it to me.
another gulp of wine and another bout of laughter.
and this makes me think.
is it the fact that he is married and we know we're both off limits? is it the reason i left him? is it the reason he joined the military and came to malmstrom?
he tells me how torn he is about me moving and i tell him how torn i am about reenlisting and he tells me how torn he is about his wife and i tell him how torn i am about oli and we are just both torn and conflicted and perfect in our friendship that we both know its not worth messing up for a moment, for a feeling, for a chance, for an ideal.
and after this dinner with a reminiscent love, an old friend calls me from iowa. one i was best friends with in iowa in middle school. she found me on myspace, we exchanged numbers.
we talked about being 21, we talked about how her child is in kindergarten now, the child she had at 16.
and i step back and look at my life and think its not so bad.
i think i have someone that truly cares about me, someone who cares about me whom i care about deeply as well. someone with whom i can envision the next 50 years of my life.
and then there is john. and then there is ally. and then there is the old emerald and then there is me.
and if i had the time to process it, i could have loved john and been with john for my entire life, but i don't know if that is true or if i only feel that because of the sense of loss that comes with him being married and unavailable.
i wouldn't have probably stopped being stubborn if he hadn't moved on.
but now i have someone. for the first time since john i have someone that i feel like i can fall in love with. someone i can be happy with even if its not delirious. because i'm older and wiser and all the bullshit we tell ourselves and each other every day just so we can get by without so many fucking regrets. and it doesnt matter how or why i try to justify it, nothing compares to the feeling of being in his arms. nothing compares to the feeling i got when i opened the package he sent me after only a few days of being away. nothing compares.
but in the same right nothing compares to john and who i was with john and who i am with john. but at the same time nothing compares to who i am with amber, or ally, or my parents. these are all things i need to separate from everyone else. separate from myself.
nothing is what it seems or seemed or will seem. or will be for that matter.
i am with oli and i am very emotionally invested in oli. i'm not with john and i'm not emotionally invested in john. i appreciate his company but the whole time i was just like 'what if this was oli.'
and i liked the idea. but i didn't like the truth.
and i didnt like how much i liked that it was john.
but it doesnt change what i feel for oli. and that is the hardest part right now. is feeling something so nostalgic and something so expired for someone, when i have such an amazing person right in front of me.
and i know the night would have been different if oli was waiting at home. but he wasn't.
its so easy for me to separate myself from everything in just a moment.
in just a week of sleeping alone, i am suddenly alone again.
but the moment he is home, the moment he is back in my arms, back in my grasp, nothing else will matter.
but i don't like the frailty there.
i don't like the way i separate things.
because if didn't separate things i'd feel guilty. but i don't and i don't feel any reason to.
... i just can't wait til he is home. because he is reliable, he is tangible and he makes me happy.
and i dont make myself happy. no one else does. but with him i have a calm sense of belonging. a calm sense of adoring, a calm sense of myself.
and i haven't felt that for entirely too long.
i'd rather have a calm version of something real than an intense version of something unreal.
to have a consistent conversation through the car ride there, the salad, the wine, the dinner, the dessert, the ride back.
what am i looking for. honestly.
he and i were very honest with each other again tonight.
he said something silly and i said 'hey its not my fault you're insane'
and he said 'i could argue that.'
and i just took a gulp of wine and laughed.
he made a motion and then caught himself, i asked what he was doing and he confessed he had almost scooped up some of the dessert and fed it to me.
another gulp of wine and another bout of laughter.
and this makes me think.
is it the fact that he is married and we know we're both off limits? is it the reason i left him? is it the reason he joined the military and came to malmstrom?
he tells me how torn he is about me moving and i tell him how torn i am about reenlisting and he tells me how torn he is about his wife and i tell him how torn i am about oli and we are just both torn and conflicted and perfect in our friendship that we both know its not worth messing up for a moment, for a feeling, for a chance, for an ideal.
and after this dinner with a reminiscent love, an old friend calls me from iowa. one i was best friends with in iowa in middle school. she found me on myspace, we exchanged numbers.
we talked about being 21, we talked about how her child is in kindergarten now, the child she had at 16.
and i step back and look at my life and think its not so bad.
i think i have someone that truly cares about me, someone who cares about me whom i care about deeply as well. someone with whom i can envision the next 50 years of my life.
and then there is john. and then there is ally. and then there is the old emerald and then there is me.
and if i had the time to process it, i could have loved john and been with john for my entire life, but i don't know if that is true or if i only feel that because of the sense of loss that comes with him being married and unavailable.
i wouldn't have probably stopped being stubborn if he hadn't moved on.
but now i have someone. for the first time since john i have someone that i feel like i can fall in love with. someone i can be happy with even if its not delirious. because i'm older and wiser and all the bullshit we tell ourselves and each other every day just so we can get by without so many fucking regrets. and it doesnt matter how or why i try to justify it, nothing compares to the feeling of being in his arms. nothing compares to the feeling i got when i opened the package he sent me after only a few days of being away. nothing compares.
but in the same right nothing compares to john and who i was with john and who i am with john. but at the same time nothing compares to who i am with amber, or ally, or my parents. these are all things i need to separate from everyone else. separate from myself.
nothing is what it seems or seemed or will seem. or will be for that matter.
i am with oli and i am very emotionally invested in oli. i'm not with john and i'm not emotionally invested in john. i appreciate his company but the whole time i was just like 'what if this was oli.'
and i liked the idea. but i didn't like the truth.
and i didnt like how much i liked that it was john.
but it doesnt change what i feel for oli. and that is the hardest part right now. is feeling something so nostalgic and something so expired for someone, when i have such an amazing person right in front of me.
and i know the night would have been different if oli was waiting at home. but he wasn't.
its so easy for me to separate myself from everything in just a moment.
in just a week of sleeping alone, i am suddenly alone again.
but the moment he is home, the moment he is back in my arms, back in my grasp, nothing else will matter.
but i don't like the frailty there.
i don't like the way i separate things.
because if didn't separate things i'd feel guilty. but i don't and i don't feel any reason to.
... i just can't wait til he is home. because he is reliable, he is tangible and he makes me happy.
and i dont make myself happy. no one else does. but with him i have a calm sense of belonging. a calm sense of adoring, a calm sense of myself.
and i haven't felt that for entirely too long.
i'd rather have a calm version of something real than an intense version of something unreal.