does it hurt to know i'll never be there<3?
jealousy -- (n., pl.) mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
It's funny how just a word can describe exactly how one person is feeling. I hate that it describes me though. I get jealous over the stupidest things, even when I try not to. Just the simplest thing can make me feel so jealous I want to cry. It's ridiculous. I don't want to be the girl who's insecure and jealous of everyone else because she can't get what she wants. I'm kind of tired of people telling me that I deserve to be happy when I can't get what makes me happy in the first place.
Like this one boy.
He's driven and he's smart and he knows what he wants to do with his life which is more than I can say for most boys I know. He's a college student who I've known since my freshman year. He can make or break me, basically. I smile when I kiss him just because he makes me that happy. But he doesn't know it. He knows I like him, but we're friends first and foremost, and that basically means giving him advice on other girls he wants to hook up with too. The greatest thing is that when I give him advice, a lot of the time it's over texts, so he can't see my face. He doesn't know that I get hurt and sometimes want to cry because I want to be with him so much.
I shouldn't have to hide it.
But I do. Mostly because I'm afraid that if I say anything more than I've already said, it'll ruin the friendship we've worked on for two and a half years. He knows me so well and he can tell me exactly what I'll act like in a given situation. It's ridiculous. He means the world to me though. I just wish this was easier.
I just want to be happy.