Mar 25, 2008 17:35
so you got this writing award that says congratulations, you are a better writer than 115 other spc students. and it was enough to make you forget that you are just this self absorbed topically-motivated idiot with no substance. you fancied yourself not an academic but an artist and it is only because you understand subtleties of interraction and nuances of distance and light and love and heartbreak that you are so fucking inefficient, lazy and useless. thats all. and then you had to fill out this questionaire that asked you to make yourself sound interesting in a few narrow lines with a number two pencil. you realized you were mediocre so you list genres of books that you never read as driving influences in your life. but they want standardized superiority so for the next question you tell them that the three words that sum you up are "integrity, independence, and introspection" because alliteration looks good in columns. they ask for an anecdote and you wonder if you can manipulate the words describing what it looks like when you compulsively eat saturated fats in front of youtube into something that describes your hunger for life. you can, but you dont.
for an ego boost you indulge in the fact that he hasnt shown up for class in a month. you hope that he too is victimizing himself and allows more self-inflicted heart-break than you because you think that hes better than you and jesus christ cant we just even the playing field a little bit? cant the people who will end up rich also end up unhappy? cant all the pretty ones be dumb?
and you read over this and almost feel embarassed enough to fucking do something with yourself. but youll probably just go downstairs to smoke another cigarette while you look at your horoscope again to see if there was something you missed. i can assure you, there most certainly was.