School
I am up, still. It's 2:30 in the morning. I have been up since about 2:00 trying to work on my homework. I got extremely, ridiculously, uncharacteristically behind this quarter. Partly because of trying to deal with new private practice crap, dealing with trying to get paid and the legal shit, and just plain being extremely depressed. Because of these things, my professors are letting me turn in all of my late assignments for full credit. The quarter ends tomorrow night at midnight.
So to get it all done, I took a couple of extra Adderall (yes, I occasionally abuse my prescriptions and, yes, even though I'm 31, I'm kind of a college stereotype) and am just trying to work. Taking what I am prescribed helps me focus and think straight. Taking more than I'm prescribed (or this much more?) just makes me stay awake. It kind of makes me the opposite of focused. But I'm still, slowly, getting shit done. But now I'm taking a break from writing the most boring paper on the macroeconomic factors that affect Raytheon to smoke a bowl and watch a whole episode of The Guild.
I want to feel really bad about getting so behind in school. I want to feel ashamed even. I am paying money through loans to take these classes. I should prioritize them. But I don't feel bad. I don't even really care. I'm mostly working so hard to get all these papers done because I'm afraid that I WILL feel ashamed or terrible if I don't pass or get a bad grade (before this quarter, I have a 4.0 GPA). I really don't care. I'm trying to play all sorts of mind games to get myself excited and motivated for next quarter, but its not working too well.
Mostly I'm excited for the week off of classwork so that I can apply for jobs. I hate being in private practice. I hate being alone and responsible for everything. There are a couple of jobs that seem exciting to me. One would require that we move back to Keene, where I lived during graduate school. Its two and a half hours West of here, practically Vermont. Its significantly closer to D and M's parents (we'd only be like half an hour away!). I want this job. It is at Keene State College. M's dad is the head of the French department there and has said he would be "extremely happy" to be a reference for me. I think I'm ready for a move away. I've lived here longer than I've lived in any town. But I think part of me is thinking that a change in scenery will be some sort of fresh start. I've talked about this job with D and M and they are totally, enthusiastically supportive. They also say things that make me think they feel that it is only natural, expected that if I move there, we all move there. D is ready for a new job anyway. She's burnt out at the job she has now. I love that my weird little family would just assume that if one of us gets a great job far away, that we all move. I can't imagine not having this family (D, M, and the baby).
It is hard to explain to people what D, M, and Chuck baby are to me. We are like a nuclear family. We are a nuclear family. But a nuclear family that has three adults, two of whom are married and one who is just...there? is confusing to people. I've been asked so many times when I am going to "settle down" or if I am dating and looking for a new spouse. But I feel settled with them. Any new person in my life would need to fit in my already existing family. D and M would have to love that person as much as I do, just in a different way. That sounds pretty impossible.
BUT, I really wish I could meet that person. I want a person that is "mine" in the way only a relationship can give you. D and M and Chuck baby all go to bed together. I go alone.
How do I meet someone? I don't have any time, no money, and I'm not really feeling good about how I look currently. Blah. So many things in my life feel impossible.
God. When I let myself just write, I feel like I get incredibly depressing. I guess that makes sense, these are things I don't actually talk about. Why would I need to write the things that I talk to my friends and family about?
But, I'm going to try to end these more-frequent, but irregular posts with something positive.
I'm going to pass these classes! Two more quarters and then I get to add some letters to the alphabet behind my name.
So to get it all done, I took a couple of extra Adderall (yes, I occasionally abuse my prescriptions and, yes, even though I'm 31, I'm kind of a college stereotype) and am just trying to work. Taking what I am prescribed helps me focus and think straight. Taking more than I'm prescribed (or this much more?) just makes me stay awake. It kind of makes me the opposite of focused. But I'm still, slowly, getting shit done. But now I'm taking a break from writing the most boring paper on the macroeconomic factors that affect Raytheon to smoke a bowl and watch a whole episode of The Guild.
I want to feel really bad about getting so behind in school. I want to feel ashamed even. I am paying money through loans to take these classes. I should prioritize them. But I don't feel bad. I don't even really care. I'm mostly working so hard to get all these papers done because I'm afraid that I WILL feel ashamed or terrible if I don't pass or get a bad grade (before this quarter, I have a 4.0 GPA). I really don't care. I'm trying to play all sorts of mind games to get myself excited and motivated for next quarter, but its not working too well.
Mostly I'm excited for the week off of classwork so that I can apply for jobs. I hate being in private practice. I hate being alone and responsible for everything. There are a couple of jobs that seem exciting to me. One would require that we move back to Keene, where I lived during graduate school. Its two and a half hours West of here, practically Vermont. Its significantly closer to D and M's parents (we'd only be like half an hour away!). I want this job. It is at Keene State College. M's dad is the head of the French department there and has said he would be "extremely happy" to be a reference for me. I think I'm ready for a move away. I've lived here longer than I've lived in any town. But I think part of me is thinking that a change in scenery will be some sort of fresh start. I've talked about this job with D and M and they are totally, enthusiastically supportive. They also say things that make me think they feel that it is only natural, expected that if I move there, we all move there. D is ready for a new job anyway. She's burnt out at the job she has now. I love that my weird little family would just assume that if one of us gets a great job far away, that we all move. I can't imagine not having this family (D, M, and the baby).
It is hard to explain to people what D, M, and Chuck baby are to me. We are like a nuclear family. We are a nuclear family. But a nuclear family that has three adults, two of whom are married and one who is just...there? is confusing to people. I've been asked so many times when I am going to "settle down" or if I am dating and looking for a new spouse. But I feel settled with them. Any new person in my life would need to fit in my already existing family. D and M would have to love that person as much as I do, just in a different way. That sounds pretty impossible.
BUT, I really wish I could meet that person. I want a person that is "mine" in the way only a relationship can give you. D and M and Chuck baby all go to bed together. I go alone.
How do I meet someone? I don't have any time, no money, and I'm not really feeling good about how I look currently. Blah. So many things in my life feel impossible.
God. When I let myself just write, I feel like I get incredibly depressing. I guess that makes sense, these are things I don't actually talk about. Why would I need to write the things that I talk to my friends and family about?
But, I'm going to try to end these more-frequent, but irregular posts with something positive.
I'm going to pass these classes! Two more quarters and then I get to add some letters to the alphabet behind my name.