Bittersweet Goodbye
I thought I found my soulmate and I thought that we would be together until we died. I planned our wedding, I had my dressed picked out, the date, the place. I often thought about where we'd be after he finished school. I wondered what we named our childern. I couldn't wait until I was Mrs. Patrick Schaedig. It seemed so real, like I wasn't dreaming any of it up. But that isn't the case.
One year and nine months later I say goodbye to the first true love of my life. The one who has been there through so much. So many firsts and so many new adventures. Pat and I are no longer "together" in the eyes of a dating society, but we are friends and I think part of us will be together forever. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we have taught each other and learned from each other. We've hurt each other and we've loved each other.
He's a great person. I know that while I can no longer hold him while he sleeps and he can no longer surprise me by hopping in the shower with me...he will always be there. We've shared so many memories and we've had so many joys. There are things we've shared together I can share with no one else but him and he can share with no one else but me. We have part of each other with the other for as long as we live.
My grandma doesn't think that relationships are worth anything. She says "In 5 years you wont even remember this guys name." I know I will. I will remember the way he kissed me, the way he hugged me, the way he called me sweet names, the way he held me, the way he treated me. I will remember our trips, his family, our stories, or memories, or love was amazing.
I hope everyone can love someone the way we loved each other at least once in their life. I don't regret anything from being with Pat. I know that I have learned so much from this. He is a light in my life. He was my strong point when I was weak. He was the light when I needed a bit of guidence. He is my best friend. He knows me more then anyone else. I've opened up to him and he's opened up to me.
Maybe he'll walk away from this relationship and know that he doesn't want to date someone else like me. Maybe he'll hope for someone better then me. Maybe he just won't think about me at all. I know when I continue on my quest for my soulmate I will look back and see what faults I made (there were many) and what I can do better next time.
I didn't think it would be this easy when the day came. I thought for sure I'd have a knife in hand and tell someone to stab me. I did for a fleeting second think about not living, but then how could I grow in friendship with Pat, or with anyone for that matter? Maybe this is a blessing in disguse. Maybe this was meant to be so I could foucs on my studies. But then part of me knows I'm also going to be focusing more on my looks and my attitude.
I have made so many great friends along the way. All the brothers in TX...thank you. All the girls that are friends of the fraternity...thank you too. To everyone I know in some other way...thank you too.
Pat and I are going to stay friends. Some of you may not think so, and maybe you will be right, but for now we only have what's in front of us. I don't want to loose contact with him and he doesn't want to loose contact with me. I think this will work out. His family has become a major part in my life and I want to stay in touch with them too. I know it's hard and I know that I could be angry and hate him and let a wall of anger build up between us, but why live life with enemies? I need as many friends as I can get.
There is part of my that hopes for those chick flix endings, where he'll coming running in the door with a boquet of flowers and tell me he can't live another second with me was his girlfriend. That he wants me back. That he NEEDS me back or else is life is ruined. I know that will not happen.
I know that somethings I've done are too far gone to fix and I know that this door is closing. I see windows all around and I know I have other ways to continue on, but for right now I need to take baby steps to make me happy. I need to have those who want to be around me around and I want to know that whatever happens I still have friends.
If you're still reading this...thank you.
If you quit after the second sentence...that's fine too.
This may be more for me then anyone else.
But it feels good to let it out none the less.