Shut-up, damn! Jesus!
Porn is a world of ups and downs. Only now, after writing that, do I really the enormous potential my opening sentence has for double entendre. It could mean "oh ups and downs, like how some of it is really good and some of it is really creepy," or "oh ups and downs, like how a babe's BIG-OL-TITTIES bounce up and down when she is being plowed by three grunting latinos and a midget!" The up and down I'm referring to, though, is the dialogue. There is something that must be said for the dialogue in a porn: it shouldn't exist.
As a certifiable expert on pleasing women (I've occasionally read a cosmo to candlelight in my basement closet) I can say that there is absolutely no way saying some of the things I've heard in porn will excite them. Even moreso, as a man, one who does not grasp subtlety, the things women in porn say would either go completely over my head or just confuse me.
I can see it, now, the most boring porn ever: I'm with a female friend because she needs me to help her with her garden. I'm turning over the dirt so flowers can be planted, and she glides over, wearing a sundress that is almost transparent, and begins to turn on the porn dialogue, "Mmmm, Caronbot," she purrs at me, "you seem to really know how to handle a ho." Excited at her noticing my hoing skills, I say, "well thank you, I've had a lot of practice; when I was five I thought I could dig a tunnel under my swingset to the sewers behind my house so I'd have a secret escape route in case the foot-soldiers attack my family." She is clearly taken confused by my obliviousness, but continues her seduction attempt. "You know, Caronbot," she coos at me, "you're good at getting things wet, why don't you water my flower." I indignantly lean my ho against the side of her house and stuff my hands into my pockets, muttering curses under my breath, "why isn't this lazy bitch doing any work," is the mantra that plays over and over in my head. I take the hose and begin to spray the one flower that she managed to plant. Thinking I'm simply playing hard to get, she goes for her most obvious suggestion yet: "Yes...yes...mmmhm, now that flower is so wet. I wish you could take that big hose of yours and spray me with it." I hose the bitch down, the end. Credits role, and a young man cradling his beyond-flaccid penis immediately ejects the tape and prepares to get a refund.
Now, I realize that a lot of the scenarios presented in porn are to excite people in the "wow that was a normal situation that I COULD BE IN that turned SUPER HOT," but even in my wildest dreams I'd never succeed like these dudes do. I could show up, say "hey baby, I'm here to unclog your pipes" and she'd gesture to the bathroom down the hall where there is shit, urine, and toilet paper spilling all over the floor and say "get to it." In one last ill-fated attempt I'd say "mmm, I bet it's slippery and wet...down there," then she would look at me like I'm retarded and probably hit me with a dough-roller.
The most annoying dialogue, however, is the dialogue that is unscripted. What am I talking about? The type where all that the girl knows is that there is a dude and a couch and that they will be fucking, but the scene itself is either losely scripted or improved. This is where you run into the worst dialogue: the jackass with the camcorder. I suppose this is the job that frat-boys get when they come to the painful realization that they can't go pro with beer pong or drinking Natural Light. They saunter into the office, sit-down, hi-five their interviewer and he looks right at them and says "let me ask you brah's a question," they lean in as one and say "sup?" He reclines in his chair and asks, "are you bros capable of making sure everyone knows you're around without saying anything smart?" All as one, they hi-five each other and turn into a single entity, this entity runs the camera for all "unscripted" porn. Here are a few actual excerpts that I've been privy to in my porn-watching experience:
-On the subject of blowjobs: "Aw yeah bro, I bet that shit feels pretty good."
-On the subject of a girl's thong: "Oh look at that, its got the little butterfly on it and everything, that's cute, you're cute, you know that?"
-On the subject of a guy having sex with twins: "Tough to tell their pussies apart isn't it dude?! Ha-ha!"
-On the subject of blowjobs (in a british accent): "The slut-monkey, in it's natural habitat, is drawn to the penis, notice how it gobbles up the dick." I swear to God I did not make that up. I wish I had.
-On the subject of two girls giving head in the back of a car: "Yo dude when is it my turn huh?! ha-ha! How did this shit happen dude?! Seriously man! Ha-ha! This is fucking great! Shit!"
-On the subject of fuckin': "Yeah dude, crunch those guts! Ha-ha-ha!"
Instances like these make me wish I could jump into the video and give the guy behind the camera the most savage beating of his life. I'd hate him even more if I was the poor son of a bitch that had to listen to him while I shunk the girl in the scene. I'd be distracted enough, what with the camera and the fake set, without some douche-bag yelling "hows that shit taste bro?! best taco you ever had?! put your dick in that shit!" in the background.
I really don't have any idea how to write a concluding paragraph for this tirade. Just, ugh, crap, man...
As a certifiable expert on pleasing women (I've occasionally read a cosmo to candlelight in my basement closet) I can say that there is absolutely no way saying some of the things I've heard in porn will excite them. Even moreso, as a man, one who does not grasp subtlety, the things women in porn say would either go completely over my head or just confuse me.
I can see it, now, the most boring porn ever: I'm with a female friend because she needs me to help her with her garden. I'm turning over the dirt so flowers can be planted, and she glides over, wearing a sundress that is almost transparent, and begins to turn on the porn dialogue, "Mmmm, Caronbot," she purrs at me, "you seem to really know how to handle a ho." Excited at her noticing my hoing skills, I say, "well thank you, I've had a lot of practice; when I was five I thought I could dig a tunnel under my swingset to the sewers behind my house so I'd have a secret escape route in case the foot-soldiers attack my family." She is clearly taken confused by my obliviousness, but continues her seduction attempt. "You know, Caronbot," she coos at me, "you're good at getting things wet, why don't you water my flower." I indignantly lean my ho against the side of her house and stuff my hands into my pockets, muttering curses under my breath, "why isn't this lazy bitch doing any work," is the mantra that plays over and over in my head. I take the hose and begin to spray the one flower that she managed to plant. Thinking I'm simply playing hard to get, she goes for her most obvious suggestion yet: "Yes...yes...mmmhm, now that flower is so wet. I wish you could take that big hose of yours and spray me with it." I hose the bitch down, the end. Credits role, and a young man cradling his beyond-flaccid penis immediately ejects the tape and prepares to get a refund.
Now, I realize that a lot of the scenarios presented in porn are to excite people in the "wow that was a normal situation that I COULD BE IN that turned SUPER HOT," but even in my wildest dreams I'd never succeed like these dudes do. I could show up, say "hey baby, I'm here to unclog your pipes" and she'd gesture to the bathroom down the hall where there is shit, urine, and toilet paper spilling all over the floor and say "get to it." In one last ill-fated attempt I'd say "mmm, I bet it's slippery and wet...down there," then she would look at me like I'm retarded and probably hit me with a dough-roller.
The most annoying dialogue, however, is the dialogue that is unscripted. What am I talking about? The type where all that the girl knows is that there is a dude and a couch and that they will be fucking, but the scene itself is either losely scripted or improved. This is where you run into the worst dialogue: the jackass with the camcorder. I suppose this is the job that frat-boys get when they come to the painful realization that they can't go pro with beer pong or drinking Natural Light. They saunter into the office, sit-down, hi-five their interviewer and he looks right at them and says "let me ask you brah's a question," they lean in as one and say "sup?" He reclines in his chair and asks, "are you bros capable of making sure everyone knows you're around without saying anything smart?" All as one, they hi-five each other and turn into a single entity, this entity runs the camera for all "unscripted" porn. Here are a few actual excerpts that I've been privy to in my porn-watching experience:
-On the subject of blowjobs: "Aw yeah bro, I bet that shit feels pretty good."
-On the subject of a girl's thong: "Oh look at that, its got the little butterfly on it and everything, that's cute, you're cute, you know that?"
-On the subject of a guy having sex with twins: "Tough to tell their pussies apart isn't it dude?! Ha-ha!"
-On the subject of blowjobs (in a british accent): "The slut-monkey, in it's natural habitat, is drawn to the penis, notice how it gobbles up the dick." I swear to God I did not make that up. I wish I had.
-On the subject of two girls giving head in the back of a car: "Yo dude when is it my turn huh?! ha-ha! How did this shit happen dude?! Seriously man! Ha-ha! This is fucking great! Shit!"
-On the subject of fuckin': "Yeah dude, crunch those guts! Ha-ha-ha!"
Instances like these make me wish I could jump into the video and give the guy behind the camera the most savage beating of his life. I'd hate him even more if I was the poor son of a bitch that had to listen to him while I shunk the girl in the scene. I'd be distracted enough, what with the camera and the fake set, without some douche-bag yelling "hows that shit taste bro?! best taco you ever had?! put your dick in that shit!" in the background.
I really don't have any idea how to write a concluding paragraph for this tirade. Just, ugh, crap, man...