Fic: Smalltown Boy (DMOC, Josh/Cooper, NC17)
Title: Smalltown Boy
Fandom: Dead Man On Campus
Pairing: Josh/Cooper
Rating: NC17
Summary: AU. Josh goes to visit Cooper in Buffalo and learns a lot more than he bargained for about how Cooper grew up. Part five of the Senior Year series.
“Are you sure this is okay?”
“For like the hundredth time, yes. Would you relax? You’re starting to make me nervous.” Cooper rolled his eyes and climbed out of the car, exchanging a look with Nick over the roof of his cousin’s car as they waited for Josh to get out of the back seat. He wasn’t really as annoyed by the question as he sounded; after all, he knew Josh was a little freaked out by his family, and he couldn’t really blame him. He’d already told his boyfriend more than once that it was no big deal if they hung out at Nick’s house for a few days, though, and he was starting to worry that Josh was going to be so uncomfortable that he’d decide to go home early.
If Josh did decide that facing the closed-minded idiots back in Sandborn was better than staying in Buffalo Cooper wouldn’t be able to change his mind. He could try, but no amount of sex was going to help Josh feel better about being around his family. In fact, even the mention of sex under someone else’s roof would probably make things worse, and anyway Cooper knew better. He wouldn’t run the risk of getting caught by his aunt and uncle even if he thought there was a chance he could get Josh to go along with it.
He swallowed a resigned sigh and settled for reaching for Josh’s hand, squeezing the other boy’s fingers reassuringly before he let go again and followed Nick into the house. He knew his family was a little overwhelming sometimes; even he had a hard time being around a few of them, but Nick’s house was the one place where he’d always felt comfortable. In a way it was more like home than his own house, and he wanted Josh to feel comfortable there too. He knew he couldn’t force Josh to relax and just enjoy the time they had together, but he wished he could think of a way to push him in that direction.
They’d been doing pretty well right up until his father showed up. The night before had been perfect; he’d expected Josh to be a little freaked out by the news that Cooper was going to college with him, but he’d seemed genuinely happy about it. Shocked, sure, but Cooper could deal with shock. He’d take it over a lot of the other potential reactions he’d been torturing himself with for the past few weeks, because at least behind the shock Josh was actually excited about the prospect of them living together.
Waking up next to Josh was almost always perfect, and this morning it had felt like a preview of what they had to look forward to for…well, for the rest of their lives, if he had anything to say about it. He wasn’t sure how long he’d laid next to Josh and watched the other boy sleep, but he would have been more than happy to spend the rest of his life doing just that. It didn’t matter to him where they were or what they were doing as long as they were together, and now that he knew they had a shot at some kind of future he didn’t even want to let Josh out of his sight long enough for him to go home and pack the rest of his stuff.
Saying things like that to Josh only made him more nervous, though, and it was hard for Cooper not to worry about what was going to happen once they were sharing a dorm room. Josh said he liked the idea, but he hadn't had a lot of time to think about it yet and once he did it was possible he'd decide he wasn't ready to be that open about their relationship. Talking on the phone was one thing; even their weeks together here and there weren't the same as living together all the time, and he had no idea how Josh was going to handle it.
He knew he should have thought of all this before he got himself enrolled at Daleman. He should have asked Josh, at least, or maybe run the idea by him to make sure Josh was ready to deal with it. Josh was the one that mentioned going to school in Buffalo, though, and he was the one that kept insisting that he was glad everyone in Sandborn knew about them. It was possible he was just saying it to make Cooper feel better about outing him, but Cooper already knew that Josh wasn't really that good at hiding his feelings. If Josh was having second thoughts about them he'd be able to tell, wouldn't he?
The problem was that he wasn't sure about much of anything anymore; he knew Josh meant it when he said he loved him, but he couldn't tell if the other boy's nervousness was because of Cooper's family or because of the future Cooper had suddenly sprung on him. If it was his family Cooper was counting on his aunt to set Josh at ease. In a way she kind of reminded Cooper of Josh's own mother; granted, he hadn't spent much time with Josh's mom, but what he had seen of her immediately made him think of his aunt. He had a sneaking suspicion that it might have something to do with the fact that Mrs. Miller had been cooking when he met her, but he tried not to think too hard about that.
He had to stifle a laugh when Nick led them into the kitchen only to find Amelia standing at the stove, stirring something with one hand while she used her apron to grip the handle of the pot. "Ma," Nick said, rounding the island to drop an absent kiss on his mother's cheek, "Cooper's here. Max tossed him out again."
Cooper flinched at the mention of his father, but he managed to shake it off by the time his aunt turned around. He knew how she and everyone else in the family felt about his parents, but as long as he pretended he didn't know none of them let him see it. That didn't mean he missed the nearly imperceptible flash of pity in his aunt's eyes, but it was gone almost as soon as it surfaced and before he knew it he was being dragged down for a sound kiss on the cheek.
"You're just in time, sweetie," she said, patting his cheek where she'd kissed him before she let go again. "I'm just about to put lunch on the table."
She stopped talking and turned her smile on Josh, and for a second Cooper wondered if she was going to march right over and kiss him too. Instead she wiped her hands on her apron and cocked her head to the side a little, looking Josh up and down appraisingly. "You must be Josh. Cooper talks about you non-stop, but he never told me how skinny you are. Sit, all of you. Lunch in two minutes."
Cooper didn't bother trying to hide his smirk as he pushed Josh ahead of him into the dining room, gently guiding him into a chair and taking a seat next to the other boy. "Skinny?" Josh murmured once they were seated, casting a meaningful glance at Cooper.
"She says that about everybody," Cooper assured him. "She's always saying it about me right before she tries to stuff a whole lasagna down my throat. It's kind of her way of telling you she likes you."
He could tell Josh wasn't sure whether or not to believe him, but before he had a chance to try to convince the other boy a large tray of food appeared in front of him. He was never really sure how his aunt managed to carry more than she weighed, but any time anyone offered to help she just kicked them right back out of the kitchen. They'd all given up a long time ago, and Cooper had to admit he kind of got a charge out of the way she fussed over him. He knew it drove Nick crazy, but Cooper didn't get it every day so he wasn't tired of it yet.
"Smells amazing, Aunt Amelia," Cooper said, reaching for a plate and passing it to Josh before he picked up another plate. Nick reached across the table for the last plate, ignoring everyone else as he turned his attention to his lunch.
She patted Cooper's shoulder affectionately and disappeared again, reappearing a minute later with three glasses of milk. "I expect clean plates," she announced before she left again, leaving Josh staring after her as the other two boys ignored her in favor of their food.
It took Cooper a minute to notice that Josh wasn't eating, but when he realized the other boy was still staring in the direction of the kitchen he put his fork down and turned to face Josh. "What's the matter, you don't like eggplant?" he asked, gesturing toward Josh's plate.
"No, I…I mean I've never actually had it before," Josh answered, glancing down at his plate and then back up at Cooper again. When their eyes met Josh's cheeks flushed a little, and Cooper wondered not for the first time if Josh was ever going to stop being so self-conscious about how much he didn't know. "It's just…does she always talk that fast?"
"She's probably in there baking a cake o something," Nick said, his voice startling both of them into looking over. He hadn't said much more than 'hey' since he'd picked them up, and Cooper wasn't sure if it was because he was annoyed at having to chauffer them around or if he was hung over. "She's always like that when she's cooking. The second she saw we had company she probably started thinking about what she was gonna serve for dessert."
"She doesn't have to go to a bunch of trouble just because of me," Josh argued to no one in particular, his gaze wandering back to the kitchen again. It was true that she was working on something, moving back and forth between the counter and the fridge as quickly and fluidly as she talked.
"Just trust me and don't try to stop her," Cooper said, grinning at Josh's slightly dazed expression. He reached over and ran his hand through the other boy's hair, gently turning Josh's face toward him again. "Forget it, Josh. Just eat before your food gets cold. Trust me, you'll love it."
~
Cooper was right about one thing - Josh had never tasted anything quite like Nick's mother's cooking. Lunch was amazing enough all on its own, but once she had dinner on the table he forgot he'd ever eaten before in his life. He'd never seen so much food, and all of it was great. He'd never admit it to his mother, but even her cooking paled in comparison to this. It was almost as though the food never stopped, and when dessert finally appeared Josh wasn't sure he'd be able to eat it without exploding.
He managed through sheer force of will, mostly because he was pretty sure it would be an insult to refuse, and the last thing he wanted to do was insult any member of Cooper's family. It was bad enough he'd already gotten Cooper kicked out of his own house; he wasn't about to get them thrown out of Nick's too, even if he did feel a little weird about staying there.
And that was another thing, because nobody had actually mentioned yet whether or not they were okay with him and Cooper spending the night. He was pretty sure they wouldn't be allowed to sleep together, but that didn't worry him so much as the idea that they might not be welcome to crash there at all. Cooper had to know what he was doing, though, especially since it was his family. Nick had made it sound like this wasn't the first time Cooper's father had asked him to leave his own house, and Josh knew he was going to have to ask Cooper about that someday.
Not today, though, because the subject was still a little raw and they weren't sure enough of each other to talk about stuff like that yet. They were still getting to know each other, after all, and a few weeks together here and there wasn't going to tell them everything they needed to know. The time they spent together was intense, granted, but that didn't make up for the fact that there wasn't much of it.
Yet. Every time that thought occurred to him he felt himself blush all the way from his toes to the roots of his hair; there was no way he'd be able to wrap his mind around the concept of actually living with Cooper, sharing a bed with him every night and waking up next to him every morning. He'd thought about it, sure, fantasized and even hoped that someday they'd find their way to something more permanent than daily cell phone calls and a few weeks a year together.
Never in his wildest dreams had he let himself hope for something so soon, though, and part of him was a little scared to go through with it. He wanted to be as optimistic as Cooper, to think that everything was going to work itself out and that they'd be as happy together in a year as they had been last night. But he couldn't help wondering what would happen if Cooper changed his mind, if he met someone else or just decided that Josh wasn't worth the effort after all. There was still a lot Josh didn't know, a lot of firsts he was about encounter and he wasn't sure Cooper would have the patience to wait while he figured himself out.
The thought of Cooper changing his mind made Josh's chest tighten, and he pushed the fear as far back in his mind as it would go. He knew it would always be there, nagging at him just beneath his consciousness, but that didn't mean he had to obsess about it right now. Not when they were sitting in Nick's living room, listening to Mr. Cristiani tell stories about all the trouble Nick and Cooper had gotten into when they were kids.
Josh smiled when everyone else laughed, hoping no one would notice that he'd spaced out and missed the end of the story. Nick's family had been really nice to him so far, and he didn't want to insult them by letting his mind wander while they were trying to make him feel welcome. It felt so normal to sit on the couch next to Cooper and listen to the conversation that for awhile it was easy to forget that these weren't Cooper's parents, that his upbringing had been a lot different than Nick's.
In a way he wasn't sure it had been, though, because one of the first things he'd noticed when he first walked into the living room was the amount of family pictures featuring Cooper. He'd spent an entire week searching for some sign that Cooper really belonged in his own parents' house and he'd never come up with anything; not one picture, not an award or even a school photo. Nick's house was a different story, though; family pictures covered nearly every flat surface in the living room, and Cooper smiled back at him out of at least half the photos in the room.
There were pictures of him and Nick together, sometimes alone and sometimes surrounded by a handful of other tall blondes that Josh assumed were Nick's brothers. There were pictures of Cooper and people Josh didn't recognize as well, and there was even a copy of his senior picture framed right next to Nick's. It was strange to see so much of Cooper in a house he didn't even live in, but it made Josh feel a little better about the fact that Cooper's own parents didn't have a single reminder of him in their own house.
He felt a hand brush his knee and looked over, smiling self-consciously when Cooper caught his eye. "You okay?" Cooper whispered, his voice low so the rest of the room wouldn't overhear him.
"Yeah," Josh answered. "I'm glad we came here. It's nice to meet your family."
Cooper didn't answer, but the grin that lit up his features let Josh know he'd said the right thing. He shifted unconsciously a little closer to the other boy, their knees close enough that he could feel the heat radiating from Cooper's body. They'd never spent much time just being together without touching, and it was nice to feel Cooper next to him and know they weren't in a hurry to fit in as much sensory stimulation as they could before one of them had to leave again.
He knew he'd have to leave Cooper before he was ready, but it was only for a couple weeks and then they'd be together as much as they wanted. Maybe more than they could stand, but as long as they both wanted to make it work they'd find a way. It wasn't really that much different than getting another roommate - okay, it was a lot different, but he'd be nervous about moving in with a complete stranger too. He was just nervous for different reasons now, and once they settled into a routine at school the nervous tension in the pit of his stomach would go away.
Or maybe that was anticipation, because it fluttered a little every time Cooper looked at him, and Josh knew it was because he couldn't stop imagining their lives once they moved in together. He wasn't sure how they'd both manage to stay in school and actually pass all their classes, but that was something he wasn't planning to worry about until he didn't have a choice.
Right now he was too busy worrying about where they were going to spend the night to wonder how they were going to deal with classes and sharing a room. Even though he'd spent most of his life without Cooper it felt weird to think about being in the same house as him and not spending the night with him. He wouldn't admit that out loud, probably not even to Cooper, but he didn't like the idea of sleeping alone. They didn't really have a choice, though, at least not until Cooper's father either forgot about them or left town again.
And even though he was almost sure he was the reason Cooper's father had kicked them out, he couldn't bring himself to regret coming to Buffalo. Part of him - okay, most of him - had really wanted to back out at the last minute, but now that he was here he couldn't even remember what he'd been so worried about in the first place. Even Cooper's family didn't seem as terrifying up close as they had been in his imagination, and even though he was probably never going to be that comfortable around them he was glad he'd at least given it a chance.
He had a feeling Cooper appreciated it too, and when he felt a hand brush his he stole a quick glance at the boy sitting next to him. Cooper looked as though he was listening raptly to whatever story his uncle was telling, but as soon as Josh looked at him Cooper's fingers brushed against his again. This time Josh responded by curling his own fingers around Cooper's briefly, just long enough to feel the slide of soft skin against his own rough hands before he let go again. It was enough, though, and he smiled to himself at the warmth that crept up his arm and spread through his whole body.
He forced himself to focus on the conversation, glancing around the room to make sure none of the others had seen the exchange. When his gaze landed on Nick's mother he found her watching him, his cheeks flushing when he registered her smile. It was obvious from her expression that she'd noticed the furtive touch, and Josh found himself wondering if she ever missed anything that went on under her roof. There was nothing in her expression that made him feel self-conscious or embarrassed, though, and he finally managed to relax as he smiled back at her.
~
Cooper had no idea how long they'd been sitting in the living room listening to his uncle's stories; he couldn't remember the last time he'd just hung out at his aunt and uncle's house this way, but he was grateful that they'd somehow figured out that it was exactly what he'd needed. He wanted Josh to see that at least part of his family was normal, that even if his mother didn't give a damn about him, someone did. Most of the time he managed not to dwell too much on his parents' opinion of him, but it was hard to forget when he was seeing it all through Josh's eyes.
Getting tossed out of his house for a few nights was nothing new; in fact, he'd spent more time at Nick's house over the past few years than he had at his own. Most of the time it was a self-imposed exile, but his father had never been shy about letting him know when he was in the way. He told himself that it was nothing personal, that his father didn't really know him so there was no way it could be personal. That wasn't the way it felt, though, and he hated that Josh had been around to witness one of his father's moods.
Not that Josh had actually endured his father's rant that morning. When Cooper woke up to the sound of the front door unlocking he'd assumed it was the maids coming to open the house before his father got back, but when he stumbled out of his room to see who was there he'd found himself face to face with the old man himself.
The disgusted look on his father's face let Cooper know before he even said anything that it was obvious what he'd been doing all night, and he found himself crossing his arms over his bare chest even as he told himself he had no reason to hide anything from his father. Once his father started in on Cooper and what the older man referred to as 'his latest whore' Cooper was glad Josh was still asleep, because there was no way he wanted Josh to hear that. It wasn't even true, but it would plant enough doubt in his already insecure boyfriend's mind to ruin the rest of their time together.
Besides, the night before had been perfect, and Cooper didn't want it ruined for either of them just because his old man had come home in a lousy mood. So he'd listened to his father's lecture about responsibility, his threats to pull Cooper out of college the first time he screwed up, and then he'd agreed to clear out of the house. He didn't really want to be around while his father entertained clients anyway; it almost always involved the high-priced hookers his father's clients seemed to like and he didn't really want Josh to see any of that.
At least Nick's parents were more or less normal, when his uncle wasn't talking business, anyway. Business was a completely different story, but his uncle had always kept work and home separate and Cooper didn't have to worry about Josh getting freaked out by any stories about bad debts or scores that needed settling. Even Nick had stayed home for the first time since Cooper could remember, and it felt almost normal to sit in the living room and listen to his uncle talk. It was just like when he and Nick were still kids and his uncle would tell all the kids stories that always sounded made up, but were probably at least partly true.
By the time his uncle stood up and announced that he had some business to take care of it was already late, and Cooper stood up and pulled Josh up with him without even thinking about it. He let go of the other boy's hand as soon as Josh was on his feet, but every minute he had to keep his hands to himself got a little bit harder to take. They'd spent almost the entire day not touching except for occasional stolen brushes of fingers or knuckles against an arm or a shoulder or a knee when no one was looking. In a way it was kind of exciting, but Cooper was pretty sure he'd go crazy if he didn't get to kiss Josh soon.
He was ready to crawl out of his skin when his aunt finally stood up and started making noise about sleeping arrangements, and it was all he could do not to race upstairs to his cousin's bedroom. The worst part was that he was going to have to pretend to go to bed alone and wait out his aunt before he snuck into Josh's room, which meant at least another half hour before he got his hands on Josh.
"Cooper, your room's all ready," Amelia announced, the sound of his name making Cooper start and look up. "I just made it up from the last time you stayed over. Josh can stay in Tony's old room, I changed the sheets after he came to visit last month. You want to show him where it is?"
He nodded because he didn't trust himself to answer, at least not without embarrassing himself and probably Josh in the process. It was obvious what she was doing and in a way he was grateful that she understood, but he knew better than to think she was giving him permission to do anything under her roof. It made him feel a little guilty for his plan to let himself into Josh's room after she went to bed, but he knew if he didn't he wouldn't get any sleep at all.
"Good." She smiled at all three of them, turning her cheek up for first Nick and then Cooper to give her a quick kiss. Once they'd said goodnight she shooed them in the direction of the stairs, waving off Josh's offer to stay and help clear up the coffee cups and dessert plates still littering the coffee table.
Cooper grinned at his aunt's flat refusal of Josh's polite offer, reaching for the other boy's wrist and dragging him out of the room. Once they were out of his aunt's line of sight he let his hand slide down Josh's wrist, catching the other boy's hand in his and entwining their fingers. He knew if Nick turned around and caught them holding hands he'd roll his eyes and act disgusted, but Cooper knew it was just an act and anyway he didn't really care what his cousin thought. Just holding Josh's hand felt so good after the restraint they'd both showed all afternoon that he wasn't sure he'd be able to let go no matter what his aunt had been trying to get across when she'd sent them to bed.
When they reached the top of the stairs Nick pushed open his bedroom door and disappeared into his room, leaving Cooper to pull Josh down the hall to his cousin Tony's old room. He stopped in front of the door and leaned on the doorframe, glancing down at their entwined hands for a moment before he looked up at Josh again. "This is weird."
"I know," Josh said, grinning in that self-conscious way that always made Cooper's stomach do this fluttery thing that made him feel sort of queasy and warm at the same time. "I mean I don't mind…not that I want…I mean…"
He trailed off with an exaggerated sigh, tugging his hand out of Cooper's to lean against the wall.
"Josh, it's okay." Cooper closed the distance between them again, glancing toward the stairs to make sure his aunt hadn't followed them up before he slid a hand behind Josh's neck to ease him forward. He leaned up and brushed his lips against the taller boy's mouth, the touch so soft that it was hard to tell whether or not they'd made contact or if they were just breathing against one another. "I know what you mean."
Another sigh escaped Josh's throat, but this one managed to sound needy and resigned and breathy all at the same time. His hand left Josh's neck to slide into his hair, fingers moving through the soft strands. "Next week we'll go into the city. There's a lot you didn't get to see on your first trip."
Josh's eyes were closed as he leaned into Cooper's touch, but he managed a nod and a murmur that sounded more or less like acquiescence. Cooper grinned and leaned forward again, covering Josh's mouth with his own for a soft kiss. It started out soft, anyway, but by the time he summoned up enough will power to wrench his mouth away they were both breathing heavily. Josh's lips were red and kiss-swollen, his eyes glazed and his chest heaving as he struggled to catch his breath. Cooper had a feeling he looked pretty much the same way, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He traced the other boy's mouth with the tip of his finger, swallowing hard when Josh briefly sucked his finger into his mouth before releasing it again.
It was all he could do to make himself walk away, but he knew if he didn't he'd never be able to leave Josh alone. "I'll be right next door," he said, gesturing toward the door to his left. "In case you need anything."
He didn't mean for it to sound suggestive, but Josh groaned anyway and pushed himself off the wall. Cooper grinned and turned his back to the other boy, sure that if he watched Josh walk into the bedroom that he'd follow him. He crossed the few steps to his own door, pausing with his hand on the doorknob long enough to glance toward the space where Josh had been standing a moment ago. When he saw that the hallway was empty he swallowed a sigh, his shoulders falling a little as he pushed the door open.
"Hey."
The sound of his cousin's voice made Cooper pause again, and he pushed thoughts of Josh as far back in his mind as he could and turned to face Nick. "I thought you went to bed."
"Yeah, right." Nick rolled his eyes and gestured toward the bedroom Josh had disappeared into, raising his eyebrows pointedly at his cousin. "So did you tell him yet or what?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
Cooper couldn't help grinning at Nick's exasperated expression, but he wasn't really in the mood to torture his cousin tonight. "And he's happy. I mean he gets to live with me, who wouldn't be thrilled, right?"
Nick rolled his eyes again, a noncommittal grunt escaping his throat. When he focused on Cooper again his expression turned serious, though, and Cooper's heart skipped a beat and then plummeted into his stomach. He rarely saw his cousin really serious about anything, and it almost always meant something bad had happened. Nick usually tried to act either annoyed or like he couldn't care less, but Cooper knew him well enough to see past all his moods. He knew serious when he saw it, and it almost always meant he wasn't going to like whatever his cousin was about to say.
"He's a good kid," Nick said, his gaze wandering over Cooper's shoulder for a moment before he focused on the other boy again.
"Yeah, I know," Cooper answered, his shoulders tensing as he wondered what his cousin was getting at. He knew better than anybody how great Josh was, he didn't need anyone to tell him that. Half the time he wondered what Josh was doing with him in the first place; he knew deep down that he wasn't really good enough for Josh, but he was hoping Josh wouldn't figure that out any time soon.
Nick shrugged and took a step backwards, reaching into his pocket for his cigarettes and shaking one out of the pack. "I gotta tell you, I didn't think you guys would last past Christmas. It's cool, though. I mean you haven't fucked things up yet, so maybe you can stick it out and make this whole college thing work."
It wasn't the best way he could have put it, but Cooper knew what Nick was trying to say. He didn't bother trying to hide the grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth, and the only thing that stopped him from trying to hug his cousin was the fact that he didn't really want to get all emotional. It was bad enough that he still had a long wait before he could let himself into Josh's room, he didn't want to be weepy and sentimental when he finally decided it was safe to make his move.
"Yeah, maybe," he finally said, shoving his hands in his pockets to keep himself from doing anything stupid.
For a long moment Nick just stared at him without saying anything, then his features shifted into a wry grin and he pointed his cigarette at Cooper. "Just make sure Ma doesn't catch you guys or you won't make it to college." With that he was gone, the sound of Cooper's startled laughter following him into his room.
~
It took his aunt almost an hour to finally go to bed, but Cooper didn't have to worry about falling asleep. He was wide awake, and even if they'd locked him in his room there was no way he would have been able to relax. He was too aware of the fact that Josh was right there on the other side of the wall, his skin warm and soft and his heart beating strong and steady against his ribcage. Cooper could feel the other boy's lips against his, he could remember the way Josh's skin felt against his and he could almost hear that voice whispering in his ear. By the time his aunt finally closed her door Cooper was sure he'd spontaneously combust before he ever made it to Josh's room.
He managed somehow not to burst into flames or anything equally damaging, and when he heard his aunt's door close he pressed his ear to his own door and listened until he was sure she wasn't coming out again. He took a deep breath and eased his door open, glancing up and down the hall to make sure the coast was clear before he slipped out of his room and closed the door behind him. The trip to Josh's room was only a few feet, but it felt like it took forever. He wasn't sure what his aunt would do if she caught him sneaking into Josh's room, but he didn't really want to find out.
He held his breath as he pushed Josh's door open and slipped into the dark room, closing it behind him as quietly as he could. Once he was in the room he stopped and leaned against the door, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the sudden change in light. He could hear Josh's steady breathing coming from the bed, and his heart clenched at the mental image of Josh sleeping soundly. He always looked so open when he was asleep, so vulnerable and trusting and young. It was hard to believe this was the same person that claimed to love Cooper so much, but he'd said it enough times now that Cooper didn't have any other choice but to believe him.
Once he could see well enough to cross the room without killing himself Cooper started forward, moving quietly across the carpet until he reached the edge of the bed. Josh was curled up on one side, his back to Cooper and his upper body rising and falling steadily. He'd taken his shirt off and his bare shoulder shone a little in the light coming in through the curtains, and before he could stop himself Cooper reached out to run his fingers along the smooth, pale skin.
"You shouldn't be in here," Josh said as soon as Cooper's fingers brushed his skin. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the other boy, his features just barely distinguishable in the darkness. "What if your aunt comes to check on us?"
"She went to bed," Cooper answered, pulling the sheet back far enough to slide under the cool material. "Besides, I can't sleep."
"Neither can I," Josh admitted, rolling onto his other side to face Cooper. He reached out almost tentatively and splayed his hand across the other boy's chest, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment as though he was concentrating on the feel of Cooper's heartbeat against his palm. "But if she wakes up…"
"She won't," Cooper assured him, hoping he sounded more confident than he was. And even if she did find them together it wouldn't really matter, because it wasn't like he was planning to do anything under her roof. He just couldn't sleep knowing Josh was right here in the next room. He needed to touch the other boy, to feel their skin sliding together and Josh's arms wrapped around him when he woke up.
He pushed himself up long enough to lean forward, capturing Josh's mouth with his own and cutting off whatever argument the other boy was about to launch. Josh was right; it was a big risk, but it was one Cooper was willing to take. They'd already spent too much time waiting until they could finally be together for real, and he wasn't about to waste any more time. He pulled his mouth off the other boy's with one final kiss, smiling at the whimper that escaped Josh's throat. He settled back onto the pillow again and pulled Josh close, one hand absently carding through the other boy's hair and the other resting on Josh's waist just above the hem of his boxers.
"Go to sleep, Josh," he whispered, closing his eyes and listening to the sound of Josh's breathing as the other boy settled onto the pillow next to him. They lay there in silence for a few minutes, and Cooper was almost on the verge of sleep when he felt Josh stir and shift a little closer to him.
"Coop?" It was whispered against his neck just below his ear, and Cooper swallowed against the shudder that rolled through his body.
"Yeah?"
"We don't have to go to the city if you don't want. I mean I don't mind if we just hang out here."
He wasn't really sure what it was about the offer that made a lump rise in his throat, but it took a few moments before he got his voice under control enough to answer. When he did find his voice he brushed his lips against Josh's forehead, his arm tightening around the other boy's waist to pull him even closer. "Whatever you want, Josh," he whispered, and the funny thing was that he actually meant it.
Fandom: Dead Man On Campus
Pairing: Josh/Cooper
Rating: NC17
Summary: AU. Josh goes to visit Cooper in Buffalo and learns a lot more than he bargained for about how Cooper grew up. Part five of the Senior Year series.
“Are you sure this is okay?”
“For like the hundredth time, yes. Would you relax? You’re starting to make me nervous.” Cooper rolled his eyes and climbed out of the car, exchanging a look with Nick over the roof of his cousin’s car as they waited for Josh to get out of the back seat. He wasn’t really as annoyed by the question as he sounded; after all, he knew Josh was a little freaked out by his family, and he couldn’t really blame him. He’d already told his boyfriend more than once that it was no big deal if they hung out at Nick’s house for a few days, though, and he was starting to worry that Josh was going to be so uncomfortable that he’d decide to go home early.
If Josh did decide that facing the closed-minded idiots back in Sandborn was better than staying in Buffalo Cooper wouldn’t be able to change his mind. He could try, but no amount of sex was going to help Josh feel better about being around his family. In fact, even the mention of sex under someone else’s roof would probably make things worse, and anyway Cooper knew better. He wouldn’t run the risk of getting caught by his aunt and uncle even if he thought there was a chance he could get Josh to go along with it.
He swallowed a resigned sigh and settled for reaching for Josh’s hand, squeezing the other boy’s fingers reassuringly before he let go again and followed Nick into the house. He knew his family was a little overwhelming sometimes; even he had a hard time being around a few of them, but Nick’s house was the one place where he’d always felt comfortable. In a way it was more like home than his own house, and he wanted Josh to feel comfortable there too. He knew he couldn’t force Josh to relax and just enjoy the time they had together, but he wished he could think of a way to push him in that direction.
They’d been doing pretty well right up until his father showed up. The night before had been perfect; he’d expected Josh to be a little freaked out by the news that Cooper was going to college with him, but he’d seemed genuinely happy about it. Shocked, sure, but Cooper could deal with shock. He’d take it over a lot of the other potential reactions he’d been torturing himself with for the past few weeks, because at least behind the shock Josh was actually excited about the prospect of them living together.
Waking up next to Josh was almost always perfect, and this morning it had felt like a preview of what they had to look forward to for…well, for the rest of their lives, if he had anything to say about it. He wasn’t sure how long he’d laid next to Josh and watched the other boy sleep, but he would have been more than happy to spend the rest of his life doing just that. It didn’t matter to him where they were or what they were doing as long as they were together, and now that he knew they had a shot at some kind of future he didn’t even want to let Josh out of his sight long enough for him to go home and pack the rest of his stuff.
Saying things like that to Josh only made him more nervous, though, and it was hard for Cooper not to worry about what was going to happen once they were sharing a dorm room. Josh said he liked the idea, but he hadn't had a lot of time to think about it yet and once he did it was possible he'd decide he wasn't ready to be that open about their relationship. Talking on the phone was one thing; even their weeks together here and there weren't the same as living together all the time, and he had no idea how Josh was going to handle it.
He knew he should have thought of all this before he got himself enrolled at Daleman. He should have asked Josh, at least, or maybe run the idea by him to make sure Josh was ready to deal with it. Josh was the one that mentioned going to school in Buffalo, though, and he was the one that kept insisting that he was glad everyone in Sandborn knew about them. It was possible he was just saying it to make Cooper feel better about outing him, but Cooper already knew that Josh wasn't really that good at hiding his feelings. If Josh was having second thoughts about them he'd be able to tell, wouldn't he?
The problem was that he wasn't sure about much of anything anymore; he knew Josh meant it when he said he loved him, but he couldn't tell if the other boy's nervousness was because of Cooper's family or because of the future Cooper had suddenly sprung on him. If it was his family Cooper was counting on his aunt to set Josh at ease. In a way she kind of reminded Cooper of Josh's own mother; granted, he hadn't spent much time with Josh's mom, but what he had seen of her immediately made him think of his aunt. He had a sneaking suspicion that it might have something to do with the fact that Mrs. Miller had been cooking when he met her, but he tried not to think too hard about that.
He had to stifle a laugh when Nick led them into the kitchen only to find Amelia standing at the stove, stirring something with one hand while she used her apron to grip the handle of the pot. "Ma," Nick said, rounding the island to drop an absent kiss on his mother's cheek, "Cooper's here. Max tossed him out again."
Cooper flinched at the mention of his father, but he managed to shake it off by the time his aunt turned around. He knew how she and everyone else in the family felt about his parents, but as long as he pretended he didn't know none of them let him see it. That didn't mean he missed the nearly imperceptible flash of pity in his aunt's eyes, but it was gone almost as soon as it surfaced and before he knew it he was being dragged down for a sound kiss on the cheek.
"You're just in time, sweetie," she said, patting his cheek where she'd kissed him before she let go again. "I'm just about to put lunch on the table."
She stopped talking and turned her smile on Josh, and for a second Cooper wondered if she was going to march right over and kiss him too. Instead she wiped her hands on her apron and cocked her head to the side a little, looking Josh up and down appraisingly. "You must be Josh. Cooper talks about you non-stop, but he never told me how skinny you are. Sit, all of you. Lunch in two minutes."
Cooper didn't bother trying to hide his smirk as he pushed Josh ahead of him into the dining room, gently guiding him into a chair and taking a seat next to the other boy. "Skinny?" Josh murmured once they were seated, casting a meaningful glance at Cooper.
"She says that about everybody," Cooper assured him. "She's always saying it about me right before she tries to stuff a whole lasagna down my throat. It's kind of her way of telling you she likes you."
He could tell Josh wasn't sure whether or not to believe him, but before he had a chance to try to convince the other boy a large tray of food appeared in front of him. He was never really sure how his aunt managed to carry more than she weighed, but any time anyone offered to help she just kicked them right back out of the kitchen. They'd all given up a long time ago, and Cooper had to admit he kind of got a charge out of the way she fussed over him. He knew it drove Nick crazy, but Cooper didn't get it every day so he wasn't tired of it yet.
"Smells amazing, Aunt Amelia," Cooper said, reaching for a plate and passing it to Josh before he picked up another plate. Nick reached across the table for the last plate, ignoring everyone else as he turned his attention to his lunch.
She patted Cooper's shoulder affectionately and disappeared again, reappearing a minute later with three glasses of milk. "I expect clean plates," she announced before she left again, leaving Josh staring after her as the other two boys ignored her in favor of their food.
It took Cooper a minute to notice that Josh wasn't eating, but when he realized the other boy was still staring in the direction of the kitchen he put his fork down and turned to face Josh. "What's the matter, you don't like eggplant?" he asked, gesturing toward Josh's plate.
"No, I…I mean I've never actually had it before," Josh answered, glancing down at his plate and then back up at Cooper again. When their eyes met Josh's cheeks flushed a little, and Cooper wondered not for the first time if Josh was ever going to stop being so self-conscious about how much he didn't know. "It's just…does she always talk that fast?"
"She's probably in there baking a cake o something," Nick said, his voice startling both of them into looking over. He hadn't said much more than 'hey' since he'd picked them up, and Cooper wasn't sure if it was because he was annoyed at having to chauffer them around or if he was hung over. "She's always like that when she's cooking. The second she saw we had company she probably started thinking about what she was gonna serve for dessert."
"She doesn't have to go to a bunch of trouble just because of me," Josh argued to no one in particular, his gaze wandering back to the kitchen again. It was true that she was working on something, moving back and forth between the counter and the fridge as quickly and fluidly as she talked.
"Just trust me and don't try to stop her," Cooper said, grinning at Josh's slightly dazed expression. He reached over and ran his hand through the other boy's hair, gently turning Josh's face toward him again. "Forget it, Josh. Just eat before your food gets cold. Trust me, you'll love it."
~
Cooper was right about one thing - Josh had never tasted anything quite like Nick's mother's cooking. Lunch was amazing enough all on its own, but once she had dinner on the table he forgot he'd ever eaten before in his life. He'd never seen so much food, and all of it was great. He'd never admit it to his mother, but even her cooking paled in comparison to this. It was almost as though the food never stopped, and when dessert finally appeared Josh wasn't sure he'd be able to eat it without exploding.
He managed through sheer force of will, mostly because he was pretty sure it would be an insult to refuse, and the last thing he wanted to do was insult any member of Cooper's family. It was bad enough he'd already gotten Cooper kicked out of his own house; he wasn't about to get them thrown out of Nick's too, even if he did feel a little weird about staying there.
And that was another thing, because nobody had actually mentioned yet whether or not they were okay with him and Cooper spending the night. He was pretty sure they wouldn't be allowed to sleep together, but that didn't worry him so much as the idea that they might not be welcome to crash there at all. Cooper had to know what he was doing, though, especially since it was his family. Nick had made it sound like this wasn't the first time Cooper's father had asked him to leave his own house, and Josh knew he was going to have to ask Cooper about that someday.
Not today, though, because the subject was still a little raw and they weren't sure enough of each other to talk about stuff like that yet. They were still getting to know each other, after all, and a few weeks together here and there wasn't going to tell them everything they needed to know. The time they spent together was intense, granted, but that didn't make up for the fact that there wasn't much of it.
Yet. Every time that thought occurred to him he felt himself blush all the way from his toes to the roots of his hair; there was no way he'd be able to wrap his mind around the concept of actually living with Cooper, sharing a bed with him every night and waking up next to him every morning. He'd thought about it, sure, fantasized and even hoped that someday they'd find their way to something more permanent than daily cell phone calls and a few weeks a year together.
Never in his wildest dreams had he let himself hope for something so soon, though, and part of him was a little scared to go through with it. He wanted to be as optimistic as Cooper, to think that everything was going to work itself out and that they'd be as happy together in a year as they had been last night. But he couldn't help wondering what would happen if Cooper changed his mind, if he met someone else or just decided that Josh wasn't worth the effort after all. There was still a lot Josh didn't know, a lot of firsts he was about encounter and he wasn't sure Cooper would have the patience to wait while he figured himself out.
The thought of Cooper changing his mind made Josh's chest tighten, and he pushed the fear as far back in his mind as it would go. He knew it would always be there, nagging at him just beneath his consciousness, but that didn't mean he had to obsess about it right now. Not when they were sitting in Nick's living room, listening to Mr. Cristiani tell stories about all the trouble Nick and Cooper had gotten into when they were kids.
Josh smiled when everyone else laughed, hoping no one would notice that he'd spaced out and missed the end of the story. Nick's family had been really nice to him so far, and he didn't want to insult them by letting his mind wander while they were trying to make him feel welcome. It felt so normal to sit on the couch next to Cooper and listen to the conversation that for awhile it was easy to forget that these weren't Cooper's parents, that his upbringing had been a lot different than Nick's.
In a way he wasn't sure it had been, though, because one of the first things he'd noticed when he first walked into the living room was the amount of family pictures featuring Cooper. He'd spent an entire week searching for some sign that Cooper really belonged in his own parents' house and he'd never come up with anything; not one picture, not an award or even a school photo. Nick's house was a different story, though; family pictures covered nearly every flat surface in the living room, and Cooper smiled back at him out of at least half the photos in the room.
There were pictures of him and Nick together, sometimes alone and sometimes surrounded by a handful of other tall blondes that Josh assumed were Nick's brothers. There were pictures of Cooper and people Josh didn't recognize as well, and there was even a copy of his senior picture framed right next to Nick's. It was strange to see so much of Cooper in a house he didn't even live in, but it made Josh feel a little better about the fact that Cooper's own parents didn't have a single reminder of him in their own house.
He felt a hand brush his knee and looked over, smiling self-consciously when Cooper caught his eye. "You okay?" Cooper whispered, his voice low so the rest of the room wouldn't overhear him.
"Yeah," Josh answered. "I'm glad we came here. It's nice to meet your family."
Cooper didn't answer, but the grin that lit up his features let Josh know he'd said the right thing. He shifted unconsciously a little closer to the other boy, their knees close enough that he could feel the heat radiating from Cooper's body. They'd never spent much time just being together without touching, and it was nice to feel Cooper next to him and know they weren't in a hurry to fit in as much sensory stimulation as they could before one of them had to leave again.
He knew he'd have to leave Cooper before he was ready, but it was only for a couple weeks and then they'd be together as much as they wanted. Maybe more than they could stand, but as long as they both wanted to make it work they'd find a way. It wasn't really that much different than getting another roommate - okay, it was a lot different, but he'd be nervous about moving in with a complete stranger too. He was just nervous for different reasons now, and once they settled into a routine at school the nervous tension in the pit of his stomach would go away.
Or maybe that was anticipation, because it fluttered a little every time Cooper looked at him, and Josh knew it was because he couldn't stop imagining their lives once they moved in together. He wasn't sure how they'd both manage to stay in school and actually pass all their classes, but that was something he wasn't planning to worry about until he didn't have a choice.
Right now he was too busy worrying about where they were going to spend the night to wonder how they were going to deal with classes and sharing a room. Even though he'd spent most of his life without Cooper it felt weird to think about being in the same house as him and not spending the night with him. He wouldn't admit that out loud, probably not even to Cooper, but he didn't like the idea of sleeping alone. They didn't really have a choice, though, at least not until Cooper's father either forgot about them or left town again.
And even though he was almost sure he was the reason Cooper's father had kicked them out, he couldn't bring himself to regret coming to Buffalo. Part of him - okay, most of him - had really wanted to back out at the last minute, but now that he was here he couldn't even remember what he'd been so worried about in the first place. Even Cooper's family didn't seem as terrifying up close as they had been in his imagination, and even though he was probably never going to be that comfortable around them he was glad he'd at least given it a chance.
He had a feeling Cooper appreciated it too, and when he felt a hand brush his he stole a quick glance at the boy sitting next to him. Cooper looked as though he was listening raptly to whatever story his uncle was telling, but as soon as Josh looked at him Cooper's fingers brushed against his again. This time Josh responded by curling his own fingers around Cooper's briefly, just long enough to feel the slide of soft skin against his own rough hands before he let go again. It was enough, though, and he smiled to himself at the warmth that crept up his arm and spread through his whole body.
He forced himself to focus on the conversation, glancing around the room to make sure none of the others had seen the exchange. When his gaze landed on Nick's mother he found her watching him, his cheeks flushing when he registered her smile. It was obvious from her expression that she'd noticed the furtive touch, and Josh found himself wondering if she ever missed anything that went on under her roof. There was nothing in her expression that made him feel self-conscious or embarrassed, though, and he finally managed to relax as he smiled back at her.
~
Cooper had no idea how long they'd been sitting in the living room listening to his uncle's stories; he couldn't remember the last time he'd just hung out at his aunt and uncle's house this way, but he was grateful that they'd somehow figured out that it was exactly what he'd needed. He wanted Josh to see that at least part of his family was normal, that even if his mother didn't give a damn about him, someone did. Most of the time he managed not to dwell too much on his parents' opinion of him, but it was hard to forget when he was seeing it all through Josh's eyes.
Getting tossed out of his house for a few nights was nothing new; in fact, he'd spent more time at Nick's house over the past few years than he had at his own. Most of the time it was a self-imposed exile, but his father had never been shy about letting him know when he was in the way. He told himself that it was nothing personal, that his father didn't really know him so there was no way it could be personal. That wasn't the way it felt, though, and he hated that Josh had been around to witness one of his father's moods.
Not that Josh had actually endured his father's rant that morning. When Cooper woke up to the sound of the front door unlocking he'd assumed it was the maids coming to open the house before his father got back, but when he stumbled out of his room to see who was there he'd found himself face to face with the old man himself.
The disgusted look on his father's face let Cooper know before he even said anything that it was obvious what he'd been doing all night, and he found himself crossing his arms over his bare chest even as he told himself he had no reason to hide anything from his father. Once his father started in on Cooper and what the older man referred to as 'his latest whore' Cooper was glad Josh was still asleep, because there was no way he wanted Josh to hear that. It wasn't even true, but it would plant enough doubt in his already insecure boyfriend's mind to ruin the rest of their time together.
Besides, the night before had been perfect, and Cooper didn't want it ruined for either of them just because his old man had come home in a lousy mood. So he'd listened to his father's lecture about responsibility, his threats to pull Cooper out of college the first time he screwed up, and then he'd agreed to clear out of the house. He didn't really want to be around while his father entertained clients anyway; it almost always involved the high-priced hookers his father's clients seemed to like and he didn't really want Josh to see any of that.
At least Nick's parents were more or less normal, when his uncle wasn't talking business, anyway. Business was a completely different story, but his uncle had always kept work and home separate and Cooper didn't have to worry about Josh getting freaked out by any stories about bad debts or scores that needed settling. Even Nick had stayed home for the first time since Cooper could remember, and it felt almost normal to sit in the living room and listen to his uncle talk. It was just like when he and Nick were still kids and his uncle would tell all the kids stories that always sounded made up, but were probably at least partly true.
By the time his uncle stood up and announced that he had some business to take care of it was already late, and Cooper stood up and pulled Josh up with him without even thinking about it. He let go of the other boy's hand as soon as Josh was on his feet, but every minute he had to keep his hands to himself got a little bit harder to take. They'd spent almost the entire day not touching except for occasional stolen brushes of fingers or knuckles against an arm or a shoulder or a knee when no one was looking. In a way it was kind of exciting, but Cooper was pretty sure he'd go crazy if he didn't get to kiss Josh soon.
He was ready to crawl out of his skin when his aunt finally stood up and started making noise about sleeping arrangements, and it was all he could do not to race upstairs to his cousin's bedroom. The worst part was that he was going to have to pretend to go to bed alone and wait out his aunt before he snuck into Josh's room, which meant at least another half hour before he got his hands on Josh.
"Cooper, your room's all ready," Amelia announced, the sound of his name making Cooper start and look up. "I just made it up from the last time you stayed over. Josh can stay in Tony's old room, I changed the sheets after he came to visit last month. You want to show him where it is?"
He nodded because he didn't trust himself to answer, at least not without embarrassing himself and probably Josh in the process. It was obvious what she was doing and in a way he was grateful that she understood, but he knew better than to think she was giving him permission to do anything under her roof. It made him feel a little guilty for his plan to let himself into Josh's room after she went to bed, but he knew if he didn't he wouldn't get any sleep at all.
"Good." She smiled at all three of them, turning her cheek up for first Nick and then Cooper to give her a quick kiss. Once they'd said goodnight she shooed them in the direction of the stairs, waving off Josh's offer to stay and help clear up the coffee cups and dessert plates still littering the coffee table.
Cooper grinned at his aunt's flat refusal of Josh's polite offer, reaching for the other boy's wrist and dragging him out of the room. Once they were out of his aunt's line of sight he let his hand slide down Josh's wrist, catching the other boy's hand in his and entwining their fingers. He knew if Nick turned around and caught them holding hands he'd roll his eyes and act disgusted, but Cooper knew it was just an act and anyway he didn't really care what his cousin thought. Just holding Josh's hand felt so good after the restraint they'd both showed all afternoon that he wasn't sure he'd be able to let go no matter what his aunt had been trying to get across when she'd sent them to bed.
When they reached the top of the stairs Nick pushed open his bedroom door and disappeared into his room, leaving Cooper to pull Josh down the hall to his cousin Tony's old room. He stopped in front of the door and leaned on the doorframe, glancing down at their entwined hands for a moment before he looked up at Josh again. "This is weird."
"I know," Josh said, grinning in that self-conscious way that always made Cooper's stomach do this fluttery thing that made him feel sort of queasy and warm at the same time. "I mean I don't mind…not that I want…I mean…"
He trailed off with an exaggerated sigh, tugging his hand out of Cooper's to lean against the wall.
"Josh, it's okay." Cooper closed the distance between them again, glancing toward the stairs to make sure his aunt hadn't followed them up before he slid a hand behind Josh's neck to ease him forward. He leaned up and brushed his lips against the taller boy's mouth, the touch so soft that it was hard to tell whether or not they'd made contact or if they were just breathing against one another. "I know what you mean."
Another sigh escaped Josh's throat, but this one managed to sound needy and resigned and breathy all at the same time. His hand left Josh's neck to slide into his hair, fingers moving through the soft strands. "Next week we'll go into the city. There's a lot you didn't get to see on your first trip."
Josh's eyes were closed as he leaned into Cooper's touch, but he managed a nod and a murmur that sounded more or less like acquiescence. Cooper grinned and leaned forward again, covering Josh's mouth with his own for a soft kiss. It started out soft, anyway, but by the time he summoned up enough will power to wrench his mouth away they were both breathing heavily. Josh's lips were red and kiss-swollen, his eyes glazed and his chest heaving as he struggled to catch his breath. Cooper had a feeling he looked pretty much the same way, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He traced the other boy's mouth with the tip of his finger, swallowing hard when Josh briefly sucked his finger into his mouth before releasing it again.
It was all he could do to make himself walk away, but he knew if he didn't he'd never be able to leave Josh alone. "I'll be right next door," he said, gesturing toward the door to his left. "In case you need anything."
He didn't mean for it to sound suggestive, but Josh groaned anyway and pushed himself off the wall. Cooper grinned and turned his back to the other boy, sure that if he watched Josh walk into the bedroom that he'd follow him. He crossed the few steps to his own door, pausing with his hand on the doorknob long enough to glance toward the space where Josh had been standing a moment ago. When he saw that the hallway was empty he swallowed a sigh, his shoulders falling a little as he pushed the door open.
"Hey."
The sound of his cousin's voice made Cooper pause again, and he pushed thoughts of Josh as far back in his mind as he could and turned to face Nick. "I thought you went to bed."
"Yeah, right." Nick rolled his eyes and gestured toward the bedroom Josh had disappeared into, raising his eyebrows pointedly at his cousin. "So did you tell him yet or what?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
Cooper couldn't help grinning at Nick's exasperated expression, but he wasn't really in the mood to torture his cousin tonight. "And he's happy. I mean he gets to live with me, who wouldn't be thrilled, right?"
Nick rolled his eyes again, a noncommittal grunt escaping his throat. When he focused on Cooper again his expression turned serious, though, and Cooper's heart skipped a beat and then plummeted into his stomach. He rarely saw his cousin really serious about anything, and it almost always meant something bad had happened. Nick usually tried to act either annoyed or like he couldn't care less, but Cooper knew him well enough to see past all his moods. He knew serious when he saw it, and it almost always meant he wasn't going to like whatever his cousin was about to say.
"He's a good kid," Nick said, his gaze wandering over Cooper's shoulder for a moment before he focused on the other boy again.
"Yeah, I know," Cooper answered, his shoulders tensing as he wondered what his cousin was getting at. He knew better than anybody how great Josh was, he didn't need anyone to tell him that. Half the time he wondered what Josh was doing with him in the first place; he knew deep down that he wasn't really good enough for Josh, but he was hoping Josh wouldn't figure that out any time soon.
Nick shrugged and took a step backwards, reaching into his pocket for his cigarettes and shaking one out of the pack. "I gotta tell you, I didn't think you guys would last past Christmas. It's cool, though. I mean you haven't fucked things up yet, so maybe you can stick it out and make this whole college thing work."
It wasn't the best way he could have put it, but Cooper knew what Nick was trying to say. He didn't bother trying to hide the grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth, and the only thing that stopped him from trying to hug his cousin was the fact that he didn't really want to get all emotional. It was bad enough that he still had a long wait before he could let himself into Josh's room, he didn't want to be weepy and sentimental when he finally decided it was safe to make his move.
"Yeah, maybe," he finally said, shoving his hands in his pockets to keep himself from doing anything stupid.
For a long moment Nick just stared at him without saying anything, then his features shifted into a wry grin and he pointed his cigarette at Cooper. "Just make sure Ma doesn't catch you guys or you won't make it to college." With that he was gone, the sound of Cooper's startled laughter following him into his room.
~
It took his aunt almost an hour to finally go to bed, but Cooper didn't have to worry about falling asleep. He was wide awake, and even if they'd locked him in his room there was no way he would have been able to relax. He was too aware of the fact that Josh was right there on the other side of the wall, his skin warm and soft and his heart beating strong and steady against his ribcage. Cooper could feel the other boy's lips against his, he could remember the way Josh's skin felt against his and he could almost hear that voice whispering in his ear. By the time his aunt finally closed her door Cooper was sure he'd spontaneously combust before he ever made it to Josh's room.
He managed somehow not to burst into flames or anything equally damaging, and when he heard his aunt's door close he pressed his ear to his own door and listened until he was sure she wasn't coming out again. He took a deep breath and eased his door open, glancing up and down the hall to make sure the coast was clear before he slipped out of his room and closed the door behind him. The trip to Josh's room was only a few feet, but it felt like it took forever. He wasn't sure what his aunt would do if she caught him sneaking into Josh's room, but he didn't really want to find out.
He held his breath as he pushed Josh's door open and slipped into the dark room, closing it behind him as quietly as he could. Once he was in the room he stopped and leaned against the door, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the sudden change in light. He could hear Josh's steady breathing coming from the bed, and his heart clenched at the mental image of Josh sleeping soundly. He always looked so open when he was asleep, so vulnerable and trusting and young. It was hard to believe this was the same person that claimed to love Cooper so much, but he'd said it enough times now that Cooper didn't have any other choice but to believe him.
Once he could see well enough to cross the room without killing himself Cooper started forward, moving quietly across the carpet until he reached the edge of the bed. Josh was curled up on one side, his back to Cooper and his upper body rising and falling steadily. He'd taken his shirt off and his bare shoulder shone a little in the light coming in through the curtains, and before he could stop himself Cooper reached out to run his fingers along the smooth, pale skin.
"You shouldn't be in here," Josh said as soon as Cooper's fingers brushed his skin. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the other boy, his features just barely distinguishable in the darkness. "What if your aunt comes to check on us?"
"She went to bed," Cooper answered, pulling the sheet back far enough to slide under the cool material. "Besides, I can't sleep."
"Neither can I," Josh admitted, rolling onto his other side to face Cooper. He reached out almost tentatively and splayed his hand across the other boy's chest, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment as though he was concentrating on the feel of Cooper's heartbeat against his palm. "But if she wakes up…"
"She won't," Cooper assured him, hoping he sounded more confident than he was. And even if she did find them together it wouldn't really matter, because it wasn't like he was planning to do anything under her roof. He just couldn't sleep knowing Josh was right here in the next room. He needed to touch the other boy, to feel their skin sliding together and Josh's arms wrapped around him when he woke up.
He pushed himself up long enough to lean forward, capturing Josh's mouth with his own and cutting off whatever argument the other boy was about to launch. Josh was right; it was a big risk, but it was one Cooper was willing to take. They'd already spent too much time waiting until they could finally be together for real, and he wasn't about to waste any more time. He pulled his mouth off the other boy's with one final kiss, smiling at the whimper that escaped Josh's throat. He settled back onto the pillow again and pulled Josh close, one hand absently carding through the other boy's hair and the other resting on Josh's waist just above the hem of his boxers.
"Go to sleep, Josh," he whispered, closing his eyes and listening to the sound of Josh's breathing as the other boy settled onto the pillow next to him. They lay there in silence for a few minutes, and Cooper was almost on the verge of sleep when he felt Josh stir and shift a little closer to him.
"Coop?" It was whispered against his neck just below his ear, and Cooper swallowed against the shudder that rolled through his body.
"Yeah?"
"We don't have to go to the city if you don't want. I mean I don't mind if we just hang out here."
He wasn't really sure what it was about the offer that made a lump rise in his throat, but it took a few moments before he got his voice under control enough to answer. When he did find his voice he brushed his lips against Josh's forehead, his arm tightening around the other boy's waist to pull him even closer. "Whatever you want, Josh," he whispered, and the funny thing was that he actually meant it.