Fic: Noir Sur le Noir (DMOC, Josh/Cooper, NC17)
Title: Noir Sur le Noir
Fandom: Dead Man On Campus
Pairing: Josh/Cooper
Rating: NC17
Summary: AU. Josh and Cooper meet in Paris and Josh finds out that sometimes life really isn't fair. Part four of the Senior Year series.
Josh didn't have anything to compare the inside of the disco to, but whatever he'd imagined hadn't even come close to what he saw when they got there. He had no idea how Emily was expecting to find her friend in the press of people inside the club, let alone how anyone actually danced in there. The room looked like a giant warehouse painted black, and aside from the occasional flash of color from the strobe lights the only lights he could find were stark white floodlights directed at the DJ booth.
He tightened his grip on Cooper's hand and let the other boy pull him through the crowd in the direction of what he assumed was the bar, half hoping that Emily's friend wouldn't show so they could go back to the hotel. At the very least he'd rather go find another one of those little cafés that seemed to be everywhere, because this definitely wasn't a scene he'd ever feel comfortable in. There were too many people and there was definitely way too much dancing going on, and whatever music they were playing didn't appeal to him at all.
"Pretty cool, huh?" Cooper shouted over the bad music as they finally reached the bar. Josh just nodded, thankful that at least it was dark so Cooper wouldn't see what a bad time he was planning on having.
"You want something to drink?" Josh shouted back.
Cooper nodded and leaned against the bar as Josh ordered two beers and paid the bartender, handing one to Cooper and leaning on the bar next to him as they scanned the crowd for any sign of Emily. She'd said something about meeting her friend near the DJ booth, and they'd agreed to wait by the bar until she found them again and let them know what her plans were. Josh wasn't crazy about the idea of her wading into the crowd by herself, let alone leaving her here to find her own way back to the hotel. He couldn't really do anything to stop her, though; she was almost 17 and he wasn't even her older brother, let alone her father.
As he scanned the faces around them his gaze landed on a couple near the edge of the dance floor. He was surprised but relieved to see that they were both guys, because that at least meant that he and Cooper weren't completely unwelcome in the club. So far no one had bothered them during their trip, but part of him always felt like he should be looking over his shoulder waiting for the next person that was offended by their relationship.
"He thinks you're interested." Cooper's voice sounded in his ear, barely audible thanks to the driving techno music but loud enough for Josh to catch the note of jealousy.
"Who?"
"That guy you're staring at," Cooper answered, lifting his beer to his lips as he watched Josh over the rim of the glass.
"He's with somebody," Josh said, frowning as he glanced over at the guy in question again and realized that he really was staring. His cheeks flushed and he turned back to Cooper, finally giving in to the urge to grab his tie and tug him forward for a kiss. "And so am I," he added when he let Cooper up for air.
Cooper grinned and picked up his beer again, taking Josh's free hand and entwining their fingers as he turned back toward the crowd. Josh leaned a little closer to Cooper as he picked up his beer and looked in the direction of the DJ booth, his heart beating a little faster in his chest as it sank in that some guy thought he was trying to pick him up just because Josh had been watching them dance. He had no idea how this stuff worked; the only reason he and Cooper were together was because Cooper had been smart enough to figure out what Josh couldn't tell him when they first met. He'd never been to a gay bar and so far his first club experience was. . .well, kind of overwhelming. All he really wanted to do was go back to the hotel and go back to bed, but Cooper seemed perfectly comfortable and he couldn't help wondering if he was in for more of this when he got to Buffalo in a few months.
He leaned toward Cooper and opened his mouth to ask if they had places like this in Buffalo, but before he got the words out Emily appeared in front of them. "Hey, found her. They've got a table in the back, come on."
She grinned and motioned for them to follow her, and a moment later Josh found himself being pulled through the crowd by Cooper again. They stopped next to a table full of kids around their age, most of them shouting over the music and each other in French. Emily pushed Josh and Cooper down next to a girl with strawberry blonde hair, motioning at them and then the girl as she performed what Josh assumed was some kind of introduction. He couldn't hear a word Emily was shouting now that they were closer to the source of the music, but he assumed that this was the girl Emily had come to meet.
Before he or Cooper had a chance to react Emily and Chantal were talking a mile a minute in French, and Josh lifted his beer to his lips only to choke on a mouthful of room temperature liquid as he registered the words that came out of Chantal's mouth. He looked at Emily as Cooper reached out to pat his back, struggling to catch his breath as he told himself he hadn't just heard what he thought he heard.
"Josh, you okay?"
Josh nodded automatically at the sound of Cooper's voice, thankful that his boyfriend didn't understand French. "Yeah, just swallowed wrong," he said when he finally found his voice again. The panicked look on Emily's face told him that she knew he'd overheard, and she changed the subject as fast as she could to dancing. Which was a better choice than what he'd just overheard, but he wasn't sure how much better when the entire table stood up and started filing toward the dance floor.
"You guys coming?" Emily asked, pausing long enough to glance down at them.
"I seriously don't dance," Josh said. He turned to look at Cooper, caught between guilt for ruining Cooper's fun and the urge to get out of there as fast as possible. "You can go if you want."
"Yeah, right." Cooper grinned as he slid his arm around Josh's shoulders and leaned forward to look at Emily. "Have fun, we'll save the table."
Before she could answer Chantal reappeared from the sea of people and grabbed Emily's hand, tugging her into the crowded dance floor. Josh watched while one of the guys from their table took hold of Emily's hips and pulled her close, then they moved a little further into the crowd and Josh couldn't see her anymore. He turned back to Cooper and picked up his beer again, shaking his head as he wondered how he got himself into these situations. He never used to; his life used to be nice and boring, but ever since he met Cooper things had been spiraling pretty much out of control.
Cooper's hand left his shoulder to trail through his hair, evoking a sigh from Josh as he leaned into the touch. Things were out of control, alright, starting with the fact that one touch from Cooper was all it took to make him forget everything he'd been worried about a minute ago. He turned to look at the other boy, pulling Cooper forward and pressing their lips together. Cooper's other hand landed on his chest to gather the folds of his shirt and push him back against the bench, bracing them against the back rest. His mouth left Josh's lips to trail across his jaw, stopping at his ear and sending a shiver down Josh's spine. "You could dance, you know."
"Cooper. . ." Josh trailed off, rolling his eyes as Cooper's lips started moving against his skin again. He had a feeling he was about to lose an argument, but with Cooper pressed against him he was having a hard time remembering ever having a good reason to say no to anything Cooper asked for.
He felt himself being hauled to his feet before he could argue, then Cooper was pulling him onto the dance floor and even if Josh wanted to escape he wasn't sure he could make it back through the crush of bodies holding him in place. Not that he really had to worry about actual dancing, because the entire dance floor seemed to be moving as one entity. Cooper's hands landed on his hips at the same moment that his mouth found Josh's again, and they weren't so much dancing as they were sort of swaying into the kiss.
And if this was what Cooper counted as dancing Josh could get into it, because for the first time since the growth spurt that had left him all knees and elbows and at least six inches taller than the rest of his class he wasn't thinking about how stupid he must look trying to pretend he knew what people meant by 'rhythm'. He wasn't thinking about anything, really, except vague words every so often like 'soft' and 'warm' and 'nice. . .yeah'. He smiled against Cooper's mouth and decided that he didn't hate dancing so much after all, because how could he really hate anything that let him get this close to Cooper in public?
The hands on his hips moved to his waist, up under his shirt to trace patterns on his back as Josh shivered against him. "See? Not that painful," Cooper whispered against his ear, sending a jolt of desire down Josh's spine. He wasn't sure he agreed that the experience was completely pain-free, but not for the reasons Cooper was talking about. They still had a long subway ride back to the hotel, and there was no telling how long Emily would want to stay and hang out with her new friends. He stifled a sigh and resigned himself to a long night of frustration before he finally got Cooper alone again.
~
The subway ride back to the hotel felt even longer than the ride to the disco, mainly because it was late and all three of them were worn out from dancing, loud music and room temperature beer. It was obvious from the wide-eyed stare and the almost constant blush that Josh didn't feel comfortable inside the club - he'd probably seen and heard a few things that he'd never even thought about before. He hadn't complained, though, or asked if they could please go back to the hotel before they got themselves in trouble. He'd even danced with Cooper more than once, although whether what they were doing on the dance floor could be categorized as actual dancing or something more like foreplay he couldn't say. Either way it was. . .hot. Yeah, hot in a I-can't-believe-I-get-to-take-him-home-with-me kind of way, because even though Josh was still Josh underneath the eyeliner and the clothes he looked just different enough to make Cooper wonder.
Josh shifted against his shoulder and Cooper blinked his eyes open, pushing away the memories of all the looks Josh had gotten that night and a few things he'd overheard on the dance floor.
"I thought you were asleep," Josh said, voice thick like he was forcing himself to stay awake so they wouldn't miss their stop. Like Josh didn't know how to not be responsible, like a reluctant superhero who could never take a night off because the weight of the world rested on his shoulders.
"Just resting my eyes. I've still got plans for tonight."
Josh grinned, chasing sheer exhaustion out of his features as he registered the look in Cooper's eyes. "Like what?"
"Like that mouth of yours," Cooper answered, raising his eyebrows as he watched Josh blush. "Then I want you to fuck me."
Josh swallowed convulsively and glanced over at Emily, but she was still fast asleep on the seat across from them. He flushed a deeper shade of red as Cooper chuckled close to his ear, pulling Josh back down to lean against him. "And just so you know, I don't share."
"What?"
Cooper grinned at Josh's wide-eyed look, leaning up to plant a soft kiss on his lips before he pulled back again. "Back at the club, when you choked on your beer. I heard what she said."
"Since when do you speak French?"
Cooper rolled his eyes as though the answer should be obvious. "Come on, Josh. Everybody knows what 'menage a trois' means."
Before Josh could say anything they reached their stop, and Cooper reached over to shake Emily awake before he pulled Josh out of the seat and off the subway. He knew Josh's wheels were already spinning trying to figure out how Cooper understood what that girl was talking about and who exactly she had in mind, and maybe he'd even explain it to him later. For now, though, all he was really interested in was seeing those lips wrapped around his dick while a pair of dark eyes smudged with black looked up at him.
The second they made it inside their room Cooper went to work on the buttons of Josh's shirt, pushing the fabric off his shoulders to pool on the floor just inside the door. Josh reached for Cooper's tie and pulled him forward, fusing their lips together as he pulled the knot open and tossed the tie in the direction of a chair. He forced himself to slow down so he wouldn't rip any of Cooper's buttons off in his hurry to get him out of his shirt, his hands moving to the other boy's waistband as soon as his shirt was off. Cooper couldn't remember the last time he'd been in this much of a hurry, but then he kicked off his shoes and socks as Josh pushed his pants and boxers down and just. . .slid to his knees. He was still half-dressed, his face already flushed from the rush to get home and get naked, his fingers hot against Cooper's thighs as he slid his hands across already twitching muscle.
"Josh. . ." Cooper murmured, the name sounding more like a prayer than he'd ever thought possible as Josh leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Cooper's stomach. Slowly he worked his way down as Cooper kept up a stream of murmured encouragements, his fingers in Josh's hair to guide him down. And he knew that Josh didn't even realize how beautiful he was, or how many people had looked at him at the club and wished they were the one taking him home. He'd been looking right at that guy on the dance floor and he still hadn't seen that the guy wanted him, and Cooper couldn't even blame the guy because who wouldn’t want Josh? It was his own fault that people were looking because Josh wouldn't have dressed up like this for anyone but him; he'd put on the makeup and the clothes because he knew Cooper would like it, that he'd get off on the sight of Josh looking dark and a little spoiled and completely uncomfortable being on display.
Which made Cooper the lowest form of bastard, because he knew how weird Josh would feel in a place like that and he wanted to go anyway. Wanted to draw him out of his safe, insulated world a little more, just to see how far he could push before Josh finally drew a line in their strange, strange relationship. And he was still pushing, standing in front of Josh and struggling not to close his eyes against the hot velvet feeling of Josh's mouth moving up and down his length, just so he could look down and see those eyes rimmed in sweat-smeared black eyeliner.
And he wasn't sure whether or not to tell Josh that the real reason he knew what the girl had said was because she said it again, in English this time when Josh was searching in vain for something that would pass for a restroom because he was too much of a gentleman to just go outside like everybody else in France and piss on the side of the building. He knew he couldn't tell Josh that if he'd been with any other guy that night he might have considered her offer, might have gotten off even on the irony of a cliché menage a trois with an actual real live French person, even if she was a girl. Couldn't tell him that she'd used that particular phrase simply because she knew it was one they'd both recognize whether they spoke her language or not, that she thought she was being coy and the whole damn time she'd been looking right at Josh with this. . .hunger that made Cooper want to smack the come-fuck-me expression right off her face. Because the truth was he'd never given a damn about sharing either way, not until he first laid eyes on Josh and decided without even realizing it that he was gonna be the first person to kiss those lips.
He had been, too, and it hadn't even been that hard to take every first he could think of from Josh. Only now as the pleasure tightened in his groin and Josh's fingers wandered back to circle the entrance to his body he wasn't sure if he'd given enough in return. He didn't have any firsts to give, because even though he hadn't done it with that many people he'd done pretty much everything. Well, everything except fall in love, which was something he hadn't been expecting when he set his sights on that mouth he loved so much but it didn't really surprise him at all when he realized what was happening.
"Look at me," he whispered, his voice husky with need and when Josh looked up he just lost it. It was all he could do not to thrust wildly and choke him, so he shut his eyes and arched his back and focused on the feeling of Josh's fingers digging into his hipbone hard enough to bruise. He could hear the sound of his own panting pounding against his ears, like he was floating in a water-filled tunnel or six feet under and surrounded by dirt. Then Josh was pulling away, shaking his head out of Cooper's grip and wetting one, two fingers before Cooper pushed back between his lips again. Legs spread a little wider so Josh could work his fingers into Cooper in counter-rhythm to the strokes of mouth and tongue against too-hot flesh, a little rougher this time but maybe that was how they both needed it. And God, he hoped so, because he knew he wouldn't be able to stop and one more look down at Josh to find him watching - just looking up at Cooper, studying his face as he edged closer and closer to losing control - and he did lose it, clamping down on the fingers still buried inside him and coming with an intensity he always felt with Josh but still took him by surprise.
He slid to his knees as soon as Josh released him, seeking out Josh's mouth with his own to taste himself mingled with the flavor of the kiss. His hands went to work on Josh's waistband, easing his zipper down and pushing black denim and cotton boxers over his hips. His fingers caressed the hollow of Josh's hipbone, seeking out the spot just below the ball of the joint that always made Josh whimper. When he found the spot he smiled against Josh's lips and let him pull away long enough to wrestle the rest of his clothes off. It didn't matter that they'd never quite made it to the bed, that they were kneeling on the carpet in a dark hotel room or that his father would know exactly what he'd been up to as soon as he got his credit card bill and saw a week's worth of hotel charges on it.
He pulled away long enough to reach for the lube they'd left on the nightstand, and when he turned back to look at Josh his clothes were gone and he was still kneeling on the carpet slowly stroking his erection. A shiver rolled through Cooper with a force he didn't know was possible, and he felt himself getting hard again just watching. He was caught between wanting to watch Josh get himself off and wanting Josh to just take him, knowing he could have it either way if he just asked. All he had to do was ask, to tell Josh what he wanted and the other boy would smile or blush or just nod because he was too stunned or too turned on by the latest suggestion to answer with words. And then, before he could even decide what he wanted more, Josh reached out and just. . .took.
Cooper found himself turned toward the bed and pulled back onto his knees, legs kicked apart almost roughly as he braced himself against the mattress. And that had to be the hottest thing he'd ever seen in his life, because Josh didn't take charge ever and if he could make him lose this much control then maybe. . .just maybe. . .
The tube that was still clutched in his left hand disappeared; a gentle press of lips against his shoulder as Josh slid two slick fingers back inside Cooper. And there was that reminder that this was still Josh, no matter how much he needed it or how hard he was he was making sure Cooper was ready. Somehow he marshaled his voice into action long enough to gasp one word: "Now." As in fuck foreplay, fuck lube, just now.
And Josh understood, pulled his fingers away and pressed his lips to Cooper's neck just below his ear, opened a hot mouth against his skin and exhaled just enough to raise the tiny hairs along Cooper's skin as he took hold of Cooper's hips and slid inside. Not really being gentle, but not hard enough to hurt later either and Cooper wasn't sure if he wanted it to hurt or not. Part of him did; part of him wanted the burn tomorrow to remind him of tonight but part of him thought that maybe if Josh took him as hard as he wanted - as hard as he needed - that maybe it would make up in some small way for all the taking Cooper had done.
He dropped his head onto his arms, forehead pressed against the mattress to brace himself against each thrust, crying out every time Josh brushed that spot inside him. Trying not to cry from the sheer force of his emotions, knowing that if he did Josh would stop and make him tell him what was wrong. And that was the real bitch of it, wasn't it? Because there wasn't anything wrong; everything was right and it felt too good, too perfect and any second now it could all fall apart. Something he did or said or didn't say could ruin everything between them, and he just knew he'd spend the rest of his life comparing every other person he ever laid eyes on to Josh.
Strong, gentle hands around his waist to pull him up, back against Josh's chest to rest his head on Josh's shoulder. His eyes were still closed as Josh nuzzled his neck, breathing deep and pulling Cooper's scent into his lungs before he exhaled again against fevered skin. And all Cooper could think as Josh thrust up one last time was that he had to find a way to make this last, forever if possible. Josh was still plastered against his back, arms like a vice grip around Cooper's body as he shuddered out the last of his orgasm, and even then Cooper knew he'd be pulling away too soon, leaving cold where living heat had been just a few seconds ago.
They stayed that way until Josh's breathing evened out, and it wasn't until Josh's hand closed around his length that Cooper realized he was still hard. He stayed still in the circle of Josh's arms and let Josh stroke him, bringing him just to the edge and then backing off again, slowing down his strokes until Cooper's breathing evened out a little before he finally picked up speed again. He wasn't sure how long Josh teased him, but when he came again it took him so much by surprise that for a few seconds he thought he might black out. Then his vision cleared and he was panting, still pressed against Josh's chest as Josh made soothing noises low in his throat.
Getting up proved difficult; too much time on their knees on a hard floor and the fact that Cooper couldn't feel his legs made climbing onto the bed interesting, but finally they made it and somehow they even managed to wrestle the covers back down. And if he hadn't been so damn tired Cooper might have pushed himself up on the pillow to enjoy the sight of Josh sprawled out on the mattress next to him, bathed in moonlight from the window they'd never gotten around to closing. He might even have laughed at himself for being sentimental about the sight of besmirched farmboy innocence all laid out next to him in an eerie almost black and white still frame. He was way too tired to notice any of that, though; in fact it was pretty much all he could do to get his voice to work and he wasn't even sure if Josh was still awake enough to listen.
"I love you." Simple declaration punctuated with a slight head turn and a press of lips against forearm - nothing he hadn't said before, still not too late to quit while he was ahead and just fall asleep next to Josh the way he'd done the past four nights. Got a murmur in response that sounded vaguely like 'love you too', but it was enough to let him know that Josh was still conscious enough to listen. Wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not, but he knew if he didn't just say it he'd spend the next three months driving himself crazy wondering why he hadn't. He pushed himself up on the pillow - it took a lot more effort than it should have but he hadn't been this sated and exhausted and scared in a long, long time - and then he did see Josh bathed in moonlight, and he couldn't remember anymore what he was afraid of.
"I think. . .I think I'm always gonna love you, Josh. I don't know how stuff like this works or anything, but. . .I just wanna be with you for as long as I can." Dark eyes fluttered open to stare up at him, stark emotion shining in them and. . .yeah, it was a lot easier to say this stuff when Josh still had his eyes closed. Nervous grin and the rest of Cooper's strength drained out of him, leaving him boneless as he fell back against the pillow and focused on the feeling of his heart pounding against his ribcage.
So Josh moved, slowly like he was treading in quicksand, shifted onto his side to stroke the back of two fingers down Cooper's cheekbone. "You mean that?"
The question was so obvious, so Josh that Cooper couldn't help smiling, a weak grin and a soft rumbling in his chest that would have to pass for a laugh until he could figure out what happened to all the muscle he used to have in his body. "Yeah. Yeah, Josh, I mean it. You and me, forever. You think that's possible?"
Warm lips brushing his forehead and Cooper never really thought he'd have much use for affectionate little touches like that that didn't really lead to anything else, but with Josh everything was different in a way that scared him more than even the thought of his parents disowning him. "I don't know, Cooper." His heart skipped a beat and went right back to pounding so hard he was pretty sure he'd have a heart attack before he ever got to sleep, then Josh dropped back down onto the pillow and buried his face against Cooper's shoulder. "I hope. . .yeah. It's possible."
~
Josh tugged at the cotton turtleneck that was threatening to choke him, rolling his eyes as the movement just made his breathing feel that much more constricted. It had been his one concession to his mother when she got him home and took a long, hard look at the marks all over his neck and collarbone, muttered something about vampires and teenage hormones and sent him to the kitchen to sweat until she was ready to join him for The Talk.
When she finally did sit down across the table from him - minutes or maybe hours later, he wasn't sure which - she'd been so cool about it that there was no way he was going to argue when she asked him if he'd just cover up 'that stuff on his neck' when they went in to talk to his principal. Not that the conversation hadn't been uncomfortable and downright embarrassing at times, but he knew his mother was trying to understand what was happening to him and he couldn't really fault her for that.
It had to be a shock to send her shy, gangly son off to New York City for an educational experience only to have this new person come back in his place. He still looked the same, still wore the same clothes with a few noticeable exceptions and maybe still felt like him on the inside but she could see the changes in him already. She was his mother, after all, and even though she had to work swing shift sometimes and she didn't get to see him as often as she liked she still knew him better than anybody else in the world.
That was how the conversation started, not bad all things considered but he knew eventually they'd get into touchier topics like what exactly went on between him and Cooper and how long he expected it would last once he got to college. He didn't have an answer for that one - he knew what he hoped, what he and Cooper had said and maybe even meant enough to make it happen, but he also knew better than to tell his mother or anybody else that. For one thing she'd just tell him he was too young and too inexperienced to know what he was talking about, and for another she'd probably be so worried about his emotional well-being that she'd try to tell him he couldn't see Cooper anymore.
So when she finally did get around to asking him why he'd done it he wasn't sure what to tell her, but she kept pushing until finally he just opened his mouth and let the words tumble out: Have you ever loved somebody so much you can't breathe when you're around them? Just like that, like that's something you say to your mother or anybody outside of a cheesy romance, really, but as soon as he said it she got this look in her eyes and he regretted the fact that he hadn't just lied. And that was why kids spent so much time trying to pretend their parents weren't people with real lives, because they never wanted to see that much pain and hurt on their own mother's face and know that they were a part of the person that put that pain there.
They never really talked about his father; didn't talk about him that day either but she knew exactly what he meant when he asked her the question. Maybe it just made her a little more worried that he was going to get hurt, but she knew there was nothing she could do to stop it. So she sighed and patted his hand, took another vaguely horrified look at the evidence of his sex life all over his neck and made him promise he'd go to the hospital with her and Get Tested. Which he was sure everyone at the hospital and then everyone in town would hear about before the week was out, but he didn't care because if it made his mother feel better to know he knew what he was doing he didn't care what anybody else thought.
Not that he really knew what he was doing, but he trusted Cooper and she trusted Josh and that was pretty much all they had to go on. After that they talked about the trip, about seeing all those places he'd only read about and how much better it was that he'd seen them with Cooper. He confessed that they'd blown off the day's events after that night at the club, although he left out the part about why exactly they'd blown off an entire day. He just said something vague about Cooper not really liking water because it was the first thing that popped into his head to explain why they couldn't get out of bed in time to go on a cruise down the Seine and then spend the afternoon wandering around the Père Lachaise cemetery looking for Jim Morrison's grave.
It was the first real conversation he'd ever had with his mother, and the first time she'd really treated him like an actual adult who could maybe be trusted to make his own decisions. So when he brought up the summer and New York she'd bristled a little, maybe because it was hard for her to let go so much sooner than she'd thought she'd have to or maybe because she still wasn't sure she could trust Cooper. Finally she'd agreed, though - he could tell she didn't want to and that she thought spending the summer at home putting in one last season on their neighbor's farm would be better for him but she agreed because what else could she do, really?
So the worst part was over, and now he was sitting outside the principal's office with his mother next to him waiting to find out how long he was suspended. He wasn't sure why exactly they'd had to go into the school to discuss it; it wasn't like he didn't know what he'd done wrong and why they were punishing him. He'd accepted that when he told Ms. Timmons he wasn't asking Cooper to leave, so really all of this was just a formality that he would have been just as happy skipping.
The door to the principal's office swung open and the school secretary waved them in, casting a curious glance at Josh as he walked by that made his skin crawl just a little. They hadn't had to see too many of his classmates on the way in because their appointment was in the middle of third period, but the few people that had spotted him looked at him strangely enough that he knew the rumors were already flying. Nothing he hadn't expected, but it didn't make him feel any less self-conscious when he found his personal life under a microscope again.
When they walked into the office and closed the door behind them he realized that Ms. Timmons was already in there, making herself as small as possible in the chair farthest from the door as she glanced up without quite meeting Josh's eyes. That was really his first indication that something wasn't right; that maybe this wasn't just about the length of his suspension or them telling him to his face that he was uninvited to Prom. He let his mother push him down into the chair closest to the door, kept his gaze on Mr. Roberts as the principal cleared his throat and waited for his mother to sit down before he started talking.
"Mrs. Miller, I assume you understand why you're here today. I'm afraid Josh has committed some serious offenses that the school board can't afford to take lightly. . ."
He'd heard that sometimes when people were dying that they'd see their past flash before their eyes, kind of like a movie or a laundry list of all the regrets they had about time wasted or people they never quite connected with because they just couldn't find the right words. As soon as Mr. Roberts started talking Josh's future flashed in front of his eyes, like the universe laughing as it showed him what he was never, ever going to have. He wasn't even really listening to the words because he knew the story already, how he'd invited Cooper on a school trip and how he'd skipped activities and engaged in 'inappropriate behavior' while he was supposed to be representing Sandborn. Like that wasn't the biggest joke he'd ever heard; as though anybody from Sandborn save maybe Emily would vote him to represent them in anything, and Emily would only pick him because she knew it would scandalize the rest of the town.
His mother was talking now, something about his scholarship and the fact that he'd had a rough year and the school wasn't doing anything to make it easier for him. Not that they could, really, but he didn't point that out because he knew he wasn't expected to actually contribute to the conversation. He was just supposed to sit there and take it, because in this part of the country children were still seen and not heard and anybody that was a little different was a threat to the way of life they'd all worked so hard to preserve in a tiny little town where everybody knew everybody else's business.
He felt his stomach turn and wondered if he'd actually throw up on the floor of the principal's office, had to stop himself from laughing at the thought because he knew if he laughed it was all over. Not that there was really any chance of his mom changing anybody's mind; if they were going to throw him out of school there was nothing either of them could do about it, and that meant he was fucked because he couldn't go to college without a scholarship but he couldn't stay in Sandborn either.
"I'm afraid Josh cost himself this opportunity, Mrs. Miller," the principal said, his voice sinking into Josh's train of thought and forcing his attention back to the people playing with his future like they were talking about whether or not to switch from chicken strips to nuggets in the cafeteria. "His flagrant disregard for the rules and his disrespect for Ms. Timmons here have shown us what kind of person he really is. Regardless of his past record I'm afraid we have no other recourse."
"You can't expel my son from school for sleeping through a day of a school field trip," his mother answered. Josh's eyebrows shot up at the quiet strength of her tone, and he had to stifle a smile when she glanced over at him. "He's been an honor student his entire life. He's never had so much as a detention until this year, you can't just kick him out of school three months before graduation because of this."
"Perhaps the fact that Josh's behavior has changed so drastically this year is the real concern," Mr. Roberts said in that annoyingly smooth tone that made Josh wanna. . .deep breath, clenching his fists around the metal arms of his chair so he wouldn't react because his mother could handle herself and if he did lose it and open his mouth he'd just make things worse. "You've been working nights this past year, haven't you, Mrs. Miller? Perhaps Josh's lack of supervision. . ."
That was a low blow and Josh had to cough to cover a laugh at the look on his mother's face. He'd pissed her off plenty of times in his life, but he'd never seen her turn quite that shade of red and he wondered if that was what he looked like when Cooper whispered something so shocking in his ear that his whole body flushed. "If there are any problems with lack of supervision in my son's life I think the school itself is the first place to point fingers," she said, the words spit out around a clenched jaw and Josh sat up a little, wondering what she could possibly be talking about. "He tried to hide it from me and thanks to my work schedule almost succeeded, but as I'm sure you're aware news travels fast around here, even at the hospital. So I'm sure you heard about two of your students beating up my son on school grounds, although as far as I know no disciplinary action was ever taken."
Josh sat back in his chair and stared at his mother, stunned that she'd heard about that but never said anything to him. Then again he was learning all kinds of new things about his mother today, like how dangerous it could be to really piss her off. Mr. Roberts opened his mouth to sputter some kind of denial, Josh assumed, but his mom talked right over him like the guy wasn't even sitting there. "I'm sure you're also aware that Josh isn't the only student to skip some of the scheduled activities during the trip. Surely Ms. Timmons mentioned that some of the other students chose not to attend certain tours, including Emily Larson."
He said a silent prayer that Emily wouldn't kill him for opening his big mouth to his mom and getting her in trouble too, although he was pretty sure she wasn't even in danger of suspension for oversleeping and blowing off the cruise the same way Josh did. He knew why they were coming down so hard on him; none of his teachers or any other school officials had said a word to him about the fact that he was gay, but they were slow to stop the whispers and the often threatening insults that were hurled at him in the halls on a daily basis.
"This isn't just a question of skipping scheduled activities," Mr. Roberts said. Josh held his breath and waited for it, waited for the older man to bring up inappropriate behavior again and maybe even come out and admit that it had everything to do with the fact that Josh was gay. He knew nobody was going to actually say it, but in a way it would make all this easier to sit through if someone just admitted the truth. "This is a question of appropriate behavior for a school-sponsored activity."
An unconscious tug of his turtleneck as all eyes in the room turned toward him, flashes of the implied inappropriate behavior making him blush and squirm a little in his seat. Because yeah, okay - maybe he'd gone a little too far bringing his boyfriend on a school trip but it wasn't like they were hurting anybody. Cooper hadn't even really said anything to anyone in the group; in fact he wouldn't be surprised if half of them still thought Cooper was just some random French kid he'd picked up on the train.
"Regardless of my son's lack of judgement where inviting his friend along is concerned, his behavior doesn't warrant expulsion." Josh winced a little when she said the word 'friend', felt instantly guilty that it bothered him that his mother still couldn't say 'boyfriend' because it shouldn't matter but it still hurt.
"The school board may feel otherwise." Said in a flat tone, almost a threat but ambiguous enough for Mr. Roberts to take it back if he had to.
And it turned out that Josh's mom didn't really like to be threatened, because before he even knew what was happening she was throwing around words like 'harassment' and 'civil rights' and 'lawsuit' and hauling him out of his chair. He didn't even remember getting up to follow his mom out of the office - he was too busy wondering when exactly she'd had time to study up on civil rights laws and if she really would sue the school just for expelling him. A week ago he would have laughed at that idea, but he was starting to realize it was a bad idea to put anything past her.
He knew he should be worried - about his scholarship, about his future in general and about what this was going to do to his mom's life. He still didn't regret it, though, even though it could cost him college after all he still wouldn't trade hearing Cooper say I think I'm always gonna love you for anything. And he wouldn't tell his mom that; wouldn't tell anybody that because it was between him and Cooper and that was the way he wanted to keep it, and maybe it was just him being naïve but he had a feeling things would work out.
Fandom: Dead Man On Campus
Pairing: Josh/Cooper
Rating: NC17
Summary: AU. Josh and Cooper meet in Paris and Josh finds out that sometimes life really isn't fair. Part four of the Senior Year series.
Josh didn't have anything to compare the inside of the disco to, but whatever he'd imagined hadn't even come close to what he saw when they got there. He had no idea how Emily was expecting to find her friend in the press of people inside the club, let alone how anyone actually danced in there. The room looked like a giant warehouse painted black, and aside from the occasional flash of color from the strobe lights the only lights he could find were stark white floodlights directed at the DJ booth.
He tightened his grip on Cooper's hand and let the other boy pull him through the crowd in the direction of what he assumed was the bar, half hoping that Emily's friend wouldn't show so they could go back to the hotel. At the very least he'd rather go find another one of those little cafés that seemed to be everywhere, because this definitely wasn't a scene he'd ever feel comfortable in. There were too many people and there was definitely way too much dancing going on, and whatever music they were playing didn't appeal to him at all.
"Pretty cool, huh?" Cooper shouted over the bad music as they finally reached the bar. Josh just nodded, thankful that at least it was dark so Cooper wouldn't see what a bad time he was planning on having.
"You want something to drink?" Josh shouted back.
Cooper nodded and leaned against the bar as Josh ordered two beers and paid the bartender, handing one to Cooper and leaning on the bar next to him as they scanned the crowd for any sign of Emily. She'd said something about meeting her friend near the DJ booth, and they'd agreed to wait by the bar until she found them again and let them know what her plans were. Josh wasn't crazy about the idea of her wading into the crowd by herself, let alone leaving her here to find her own way back to the hotel. He couldn't really do anything to stop her, though; she was almost 17 and he wasn't even her older brother, let alone her father.
As he scanned the faces around them his gaze landed on a couple near the edge of the dance floor. He was surprised but relieved to see that they were both guys, because that at least meant that he and Cooper weren't completely unwelcome in the club. So far no one had bothered them during their trip, but part of him always felt like he should be looking over his shoulder waiting for the next person that was offended by their relationship.
"He thinks you're interested." Cooper's voice sounded in his ear, barely audible thanks to the driving techno music but loud enough for Josh to catch the note of jealousy.
"Who?"
"That guy you're staring at," Cooper answered, lifting his beer to his lips as he watched Josh over the rim of the glass.
"He's with somebody," Josh said, frowning as he glanced over at the guy in question again and realized that he really was staring. His cheeks flushed and he turned back to Cooper, finally giving in to the urge to grab his tie and tug him forward for a kiss. "And so am I," he added when he let Cooper up for air.
Cooper grinned and picked up his beer again, taking Josh's free hand and entwining their fingers as he turned back toward the crowd. Josh leaned a little closer to Cooper as he picked up his beer and looked in the direction of the DJ booth, his heart beating a little faster in his chest as it sank in that some guy thought he was trying to pick him up just because Josh had been watching them dance. He had no idea how this stuff worked; the only reason he and Cooper were together was because Cooper had been smart enough to figure out what Josh couldn't tell him when they first met. He'd never been to a gay bar and so far his first club experience was. . .well, kind of overwhelming. All he really wanted to do was go back to the hotel and go back to bed, but Cooper seemed perfectly comfortable and he couldn't help wondering if he was in for more of this when he got to Buffalo in a few months.
He leaned toward Cooper and opened his mouth to ask if they had places like this in Buffalo, but before he got the words out Emily appeared in front of them. "Hey, found her. They've got a table in the back, come on."
She grinned and motioned for them to follow her, and a moment later Josh found himself being pulled through the crowd by Cooper again. They stopped next to a table full of kids around their age, most of them shouting over the music and each other in French. Emily pushed Josh and Cooper down next to a girl with strawberry blonde hair, motioning at them and then the girl as she performed what Josh assumed was some kind of introduction. He couldn't hear a word Emily was shouting now that they were closer to the source of the music, but he assumed that this was the girl Emily had come to meet.
Before he or Cooper had a chance to react Emily and Chantal were talking a mile a minute in French, and Josh lifted his beer to his lips only to choke on a mouthful of room temperature liquid as he registered the words that came out of Chantal's mouth. He looked at Emily as Cooper reached out to pat his back, struggling to catch his breath as he told himself he hadn't just heard what he thought he heard.
"Josh, you okay?"
Josh nodded automatically at the sound of Cooper's voice, thankful that his boyfriend didn't understand French. "Yeah, just swallowed wrong," he said when he finally found his voice again. The panicked look on Emily's face told him that she knew he'd overheard, and she changed the subject as fast as she could to dancing. Which was a better choice than what he'd just overheard, but he wasn't sure how much better when the entire table stood up and started filing toward the dance floor.
"You guys coming?" Emily asked, pausing long enough to glance down at them.
"I seriously don't dance," Josh said. He turned to look at Cooper, caught between guilt for ruining Cooper's fun and the urge to get out of there as fast as possible. "You can go if you want."
"Yeah, right." Cooper grinned as he slid his arm around Josh's shoulders and leaned forward to look at Emily. "Have fun, we'll save the table."
Before she could answer Chantal reappeared from the sea of people and grabbed Emily's hand, tugging her into the crowded dance floor. Josh watched while one of the guys from their table took hold of Emily's hips and pulled her close, then they moved a little further into the crowd and Josh couldn't see her anymore. He turned back to Cooper and picked up his beer again, shaking his head as he wondered how he got himself into these situations. He never used to; his life used to be nice and boring, but ever since he met Cooper things had been spiraling pretty much out of control.
Cooper's hand left his shoulder to trail through his hair, evoking a sigh from Josh as he leaned into the touch. Things were out of control, alright, starting with the fact that one touch from Cooper was all it took to make him forget everything he'd been worried about a minute ago. He turned to look at the other boy, pulling Cooper forward and pressing their lips together. Cooper's other hand landed on his chest to gather the folds of his shirt and push him back against the bench, bracing them against the back rest. His mouth left Josh's lips to trail across his jaw, stopping at his ear and sending a shiver down Josh's spine. "You could dance, you know."
"Cooper. . ." Josh trailed off, rolling his eyes as Cooper's lips started moving against his skin again. He had a feeling he was about to lose an argument, but with Cooper pressed against him he was having a hard time remembering ever having a good reason to say no to anything Cooper asked for.
He felt himself being hauled to his feet before he could argue, then Cooper was pulling him onto the dance floor and even if Josh wanted to escape he wasn't sure he could make it back through the crush of bodies holding him in place. Not that he really had to worry about actual dancing, because the entire dance floor seemed to be moving as one entity. Cooper's hands landed on his hips at the same moment that his mouth found Josh's again, and they weren't so much dancing as they were sort of swaying into the kiss.
And if this was what Cooper counted as dancing Josh could get into it, because for the first time since the growth spurt that had left him all knees and elbows and at least six inches taller than the rest of his class he wasn't thinking about how stupid he must look trying to pretend he knew what people meant by 'rhythm'. He wasn't thinking about anything, really, except vague words every so often like 'soft' and 'warm' and 'nice. . .yeah'. He smiled against Cooper's mouth and decided that he didn't hate dancing so much after all, because how could he really hate anything that let him get this close to Cooper in public?
The hands on his hips moved to his waist, up under his shirt to trace patterns on his back as Josh shivered against him. "See? Not that painful," Cooper whispered against his ear, sending a jolt of desire down Josh's spine. He wasn't sure he agreed that the experience was completely pain-free, but not for the reasons Cooper was talking about. They still had a long subway ride back to the hotel, and there was no telling how long Emily would want to stay and hang out with her new friends. He stifled a sigh and resigned himself to a long night of frustration before he finally got Cooper alone again.
~
The subway ride back to the hotel felt even longer than the ride to the disco, mainly because it was late and all three of them were worn out from dancing, loud music and room temperature beer. It was obvious from the wide-eyed stare and the almost constant blush that Josh didn't feel comfortable inside the club - he'd probably seen and heard a few things that he'd never even thought about before. He hadn't complained, though, or asked if they could please go back to the hotel before they got themselves in trouble. He'd even danced with Cooper more than once, although whether what they were doing on the dance floor could be categorized as actual dancing or something more like foreplay he couldn't say. Either way it was. . .hot. Yeah, hot in a I-can't-believe-I-get-to-take-him-home-with-me kind of way, because even though Josh was still Josh underneath the eyeliner and the clothes he looked just different enough to make Cooper wonder.
Josh shifted against his shoulder and Cooper blinked his eyes open, pushing away the memories of all the looks Josh had gotten that night and a few things he'd overheard on the dance floor.
"I thought you were asleep," Josh said, voice thick like he was forcing himself to stay awake so they wouldn't miss their stop. Like Josh didn't know how to not be responsible, like a reluctant superhero who could never take a night off because the weight of the world rested on his shoulders.
"Just resting my eyes. I've still got plans for tonight."
Josh grinned, chasing sheer exhaustion out of his features as he registered the look in Cooper's eyes. "Like what?"
"Like that mouth of yours," Cooper answered, raising his eyebrows as he watched Josh blush. "Then I want you to fuck me."
Josh swallowed convulsively and glanced over at Emily, but she was still fast asleep on the seat across from them. He flushed a deeper shade of red as Cooper chuckled close to his ear, pulling Josh back down to lean against him. "And just so you know, I don't share."
"What?"
Cooper grinned at Josh's wide-eyed look, leaning up to plant a soft kiss on his lips before he pulled back again. "Back at the club, when you choked on your beer. I heard what she said."
"Since when do you speak French?"
Cooper rolled his eyes as though the answer should be obvious. "Come on, Josh. Everybody knows what 'menage a trois' means."
Before Josh could say anything they reached their stop, and Cooper reached over to shake Emily awake before he pulled Josh out of the seat and off the subway. He knew Josh's wheels were already spinning trying to figure out how Cooper understood what that girl was talking about and who exactly she had in mind, and maybe he'd even explain it to him later. For now, though, all he was really interested in was seeing those lips wrapped around his dick while a pair of dark eyes smudged with black looked up at him.
The second they made it inside their room Cooper went to work on the buttons of Josh's shirt, pushing the fabric off his shoulders to pool on the floor just inside the door. Josh reached for Cooper's tie and pulled him forward, fusing their lips together as he pulled the knot open and tossed the tie in the direction of a chair. He forced himself to slow down so he wouldn't rip any of Cooper's buttons off in his hurry to get him out of his shirt, his hands moving to the other boy's waistband as soon as his shirt was off. Cooper couldn't remember the last time he'd been in this much of a hurry, but then he kicked off his shoes and socks as Josh pushed his pants and boxers down and just. . .slid to his knees. He was still half-dressed, his face already flushed from the rush to get home and get naked, his fingers hot against Cooper's thighs as he slid his hands across already twitching muscle.
"Josh. . ." Cooper murmured, the name sounding more like a prayer than he'd ever thought possible as Josh leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Cooper's stomach. Slowly he worked his way down as Cooper kept up a stream of murmured encouragements, his fingers in Josh's hair to guide him down. And he knew that Josh didn't even realize how beautiful he was, or how many people had looked at him at the club and wished they were the one taking him home. He'd been looking right at that guy on the dance floor and he still hadn't seen that the guy wanted him, and Cooper couldn't even blame the guy because who wouldn’t want Josh? It was his own fault that people were looking because Josh wouldn't have dressed up like this for anyone but him; he'd put on the makeup and the clothes because he knew Cooper would like it, that he'd get off on the sight of Josh looking dark and a little spoiled and completely uncomfortable being on display.
Which made Cooper the lowest form of bastard, because he knew how weird Josh would feel in a place like that and he wanted to go anyway. Wanted to draw him out of his safe, insulated world a little more, just to see how far he could push before Josh finally drew a line in their strange, strange relationship. And he was still pushing, standing in front of Josh and struggling not to close his eyes against the hot velvet feeling of Josh's mouth moving up and down his length, just so he could look down and see those eyes rimmed in sweat-smeared black eyeliner.
And he wasn't sure whether or not to tell Josh that the real reason he knew what the girl had said was because she said it again, in English this time when Josh was searching in vain for something that would pass for a restroom because he was too much of a gentleman to just go outside like everybody else in France and piss on the side of the building. He knew he couldn't tell Josh that if he'd been with any other guy that night he might have considered her offer, might have gotten off even on the irony of a cliché menage a trois with an actual real live French person, even if she was a girl. Couldn't tell him that she'd used that particular phrase simply because she knew it was one they'd both recognize whether they spoke her language or not, that she thought she was being coy and the whole damn time she'd been looking right at Josh with this. . .hunger that made Cooper want to smack the come-fuck-me expression right off her face. Because the truth was he'd never given a damn about sharing either way, not until he first laid eyes on Josh and decided without even realizing it that he was gonna be the first person to kiss those lips.
He had been, too, and it hadn't even been that hard to take every first he could think of from Josh. Only now as the pleasure tightened in his groin and Josh's fingers wandered back to circle the entrance to his body he wasn't sure if he'd given enough in return. He didn't have any firsts to give, because even though he hadn't done it with that many people he'd done pretty much everything. Well, everything except fall in love, which was something he hadn't been expecting when he set his sights on that mouth he loved so much but it didn't really surprise him at all when he realized what was happening.
"Look at me," he whispered, his voice husky with need and when Josh looked up he just lost it. It was all he could do not to thrust wildly and choke him, so he shut his eyes and arched his back and focused on the feeling of Josh's fingers digging into his hipbone hard enough to bruise. He could hear the sound of his own panting pounding against his ears, like he was floating in a water-filled tunnel or six feet under and surrounded by dirt. Then Josh was pulling away, shaking his head out of Cooper's grip and wetting one, two fingers before Cooper pushed back between his lips again. Legs spread a little wider so Josh could work his fingers into Cooper in counter-rhythm to the strokes of mouth and tongue against too-hot flesh, a little rougher this time but maybe that was how they both needed it. And God, he hoped so, because he knew he wouldn't be able to stop and one more look down at Josh to find him watching - just looking up at Cooper, studying his face as he edged closer and closer to losing control - and he did lose it, clamping down on the fingers still buried inside him and coming with an intensity he always felt with Josh but still took him by surprise.
He slid to his knees as soon as Josh released him, seeking out Josh's mouth with his own to taste himself mingled with the flavor of the kiss. His hands went to work on Josh's waistband, easing his zipper down and pushing black denim and cotton boxers over his hips. His fingers caressed the hollow of Josh's hipbone, seeking out the spot just below the ball of the joint that always made Josh whimper. When he found the spot he smiled against Josh's lips and let him pull away long enough to wrestle the rest of his clothes off. It didn't matter that they'd never quite made it to the bed, that they were kneeling on the carpet in a dark hotel room or that his father would know exactly what he'd been up to as soon as he got his credit card bill and saw a week's worth of hotel charges on it.
He pulled away long enough to reach for the lube they'd left on the nightstand, and when he turned back to look at Josh his clothes were gone and he was still kneeling on the carpet slowly stroking his erection. A shiver rolled through Cooper with a force he didn't know was possible, and he felt himself getting hard again just watching. He was caught between wanting to watch Josh get himself off and wanting Josh to just take him, knowing he could have it either way if he just asked. All he had to do was ask, to tell Josh what he wanted and the other boy would smile or blush or just nod because he was too stunned or too turned on by the latest suggestion to answer with words. And then, before he could even decide what he wanted more, Josh reached out and just. . .took.
Cooper found himself turned toward the bed and pulled back onto his knees, legs kicked apart almost roughly as he braced himself against the mattress. And that had to be the hottest thing he'd ever seen in his life, because Josh didn't take charge ever and if he could make him lose this much control then maybe. . .just maybe. . .
The tube that was still clutched in his left hand disappeared; a gentle press of lips against his shoulder as Josh slid two slick fingers back inside Cooper. And there was that reminder that this was still Josh, no matter how much he needed it or how hard he was he was making sure Cooper was ready. Somehow he marshaled his voice into action long enough to gasp one word: "Now." As in fuck foreplay, fuck lube, just now.
And Josh understood, pulled his fingers away and pressed his lips to Cooper's neck just below his ear, opened a hot mouth against his skin and exhaled just enough to raise the tiny hairs along Cooper's skin as he took hold of Cooper's hips and slid inside. Not really being gentle, but not hard enough to hurt later either and Cooper wasn't sure if he wanted it to hurt or not. Part of him did; part of him wanted the burn tomorrow to remind him of tonight but part of him thought that maybe if Josh took him as hard as he wanted - as hard as he needed - that maybe it would make up in some small way for all the taking Cooper had done.
He dropped his head onto his arms, forehead pressed against the mattress to brace himself against each thrust, crying out every time Josh brushed that spot inside him. Trying not to cry from the sheer force of his emotions, knowing that if he did Josh would stop and make him tell him what was wrong. And that was the real bitch of it, wasn't it? Because there wasn't anything wrong; everything was right and it felt too good, too perfect and any second now it could all fall apart. Something he did or said or didn't say could ruin everything between them, and he just knew he'd spend the rest of his life comparing every other person he ever laid eyes on to Josh.
Strong, gentle hands around his waist to pull him up, back against Josh's chest to rest his head on Josh's shoulder. His eyes were still closed as Josh nuzzled his neck, breathing deep and pulling Cooper's scent into his lungs before he exhaled again against fevered skin. And all Cooper could think as Josh thrust up one last time was that he had to find a way to make this last, forever if possible. Josh was still plastered against his back, arms like a vice grip around Cooper's body as he shuddered out the last of his orgasm, and even then Cooper knew he'd be pulling away too soon, leaving cold where living heat had been just a few seconds ago.
They stayed that way until Josh's breathing evened out, and it wasn't until Josh's hand closed around his length that Cooper realized he was still hard. He stayed still in the circle of Josh's arms and let Josh stroke him, bringing him just to the edge and then backing off again, slowing down his strokes until Cooper's breathing evened out a little before he finally picked up speed again. He wasn't sure how long Josh teased him, but when he came again it took him so much by surprise that for a few seconds he thought he might black out. Then his vision cleared and he was panting, still pressed against Josh's chest as Josh made soothing noises low in his throat.
Getting up proved difficult; too much time on their knees on a hard floor and the fact that Cooper couldn't feel his legs made climbing onto the bed interesting, but finally they made it and somehow they even managed to wrestle the covers back down. And if he hadn't been so damn tired Cooper might have pushed himself up on the pillow to enjoy the sight of Josh sprawled out on the mattress next to him, bathed in moonlight from the window they'd never gotten around to closing. He might even have laughed at himself for being sentimental about the sight of besmirched farmboy innocence all laid out next to him in an eerie almost black and white still frame. He was way too tired to notice any of that, though; in fact it was pretty much all he could do to get his voice to work and he wasn't even sure if Josh was still awake enough to listen.
"I love you." Simple declaration punctuated with a slight head turn and a press of lips against forearm - nothing he hadn't said before, still not too late to quit while he was ahead and just fall asleep next to Josh the way he'd done the past four nights. Got a murmur in response that sounded vaguely like 'love you too', but it was enough to let him know that Josh was still conscious enough to listen. Wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not, but he knew if he didn't just say it he'd spend the next three months driving himself crazy wondering why he hadn't. He pushed himself up on the pillow - it took a lot more effort than it should have but he hadn't been this sated and exhausted and scared in a long, long time - and then he did see Josh bathed in moonlight, and he couldn't remember anymore what he was afraid of.
"I think. . .I think I'm always gonna love you, Josh. I don't know how stuff like this works or anything, but. . .I just wanna be with you for as long as I can." Dark eyes fluttered open to stare up at him, stark emotion shining in them and. . .yeah, it was a lot easier to say this stuff when Josh still had his eyes closed. Nervous grin and the rest of Cooper's strength drained out of him, leaving him boneless as he fell back against the pillow and focused on the feeling of his heart pounding against his ribcage.
So Josh moved, slowly like he was treading in quicksand, shifted onto his side to stroke the back of two fingers down Cooper's cheekbone. "You mean that?"
The question was so obvious, so Josh that Cooper couldn't help smiling, a weak grin and a soft rumbling in his chest that would have to pass for a laugh until he could figure out what happened to all the muscle he used to have in his body. "Yeah. Yeah, Josh, I mean it. You and me, forever. You think that's possible?"
Warm lips brushing his forehead and Cooper never really thought he'd have much use for affectionate little touches like that that didn't really lead to anything else, but with Josh everything was different in a way that scared him more than even the thought of his parents disowning him. "I don't know, Cooper." His heart skipped a beat and went right back to pounding so hard he was pretty sure he'd have a heart attack before he ever got to sleep, then Josh dropped back down onto the pillow and buried his face against Cooper's shoulder. "I hope. . .yeah. It's possible."
~
Josh tugged at the cotton turtleneck that was threatening to choke him, rolling his eyes as the movement just made his breathing feel that much more constricted. It had been his one concession to his mother when she got him home and took a long, hard look at the marks all over his neck and collarbone, muttered something about vampires and teenage hormones and sent him to the kitchen to sweat until she was ready to join him for The Talk.
When she finally did sit down across the table from him - minutes or maybe hours later, he wasn't sure which - she'd been so cool about it that there was no way he was going to argue when she asked him if he'd just cover up 'that stuff on his neck' when they went in to talk to his principal. Not that the conversation hadn't been uncomfortable and downright embarrassing at times, but he knew his mother was trying to understand what was happening to him and he couldn't really fault her for that.
It had to be a shock to send her shy, gangly son off to New York City for an educational experience only to have this new person come back in his place. He still looked the same, still wore the same clothes with a few noticeable exceptions and maybe still felt like him on the inside but she could see the changes in him already. She was his mother, after all, and even though she had to work swing shift sometimes and she didn't get to see him as often as she liked she still knew him better than anybody else in the world.
That was how the conversation started, not bad all things considered but he knew eventually they'd get into touchier topics like what exactly went on between him and Cooper and how long he expected it would last once he got to college. He didn't have an answer for that one - he knew what he hoped, what he and Cooper had said and maybe even meant enough to make it happen, but he also knew better than to tell his mother or anybody else that. For one thing she'd just tell him he was too young and too inexperienced to know what he was talking about, and for another she'd probably be so worried about his emotional well-being that she'd try to tell him he couldn't see Cooper anymore.
So when she finally did get around to asking him why he'd done it he wasn't sure what to tell her, but she kept pushing until finally he just opened his mouth and let the words tumble out: Have you ever loved somebody so much you can't breathe when you're around them? Just like that, like that's something you say to your mother or anybody outside of a cheesy romance, really, but as soon as he said it she got this look in her eyes and he regretted the fact that he hadn't just lied. And that was why kids spent so much time trying to pretend their parents weren't people with real lives, because they never wanted to see that much pain and hurt on their own mother's face and know that they were a part of the person that put that pain there.
They never really talked about his father; didn't talk about him that day either but she knew exactly what he meant when he asked her the question. Maybe it just made her a little more worried that he was going to get hurt, but she knew there was nothing she could do to stop it. So she sighed and patted his hand, took another vaguely horrified look at the evidence of his sex life all over his neck and made him promise he'd go to the hospital with her and Get Tested. Which he was sure everyone at the hospital and then everyone in town would hear about before the week was out, but he didn't care because if it made his mother feel better to know he knew what he was doing he didn't care what anybody else thought.
Not that he really knew what he was doing, but he trusted Cooper and she trusted Josh and that was pretty much all they had to go on. After that they talked about the trip, about seeing all those places he'd only read about and how much better it was that he'd seen them with Cooper. He confessed that they'd blown off the day's events after that night at the club, although he left out the part about why exactly they'd blown off an entire day. He just said something vague about Cooper not really liking water because it was the first thing that popped into his head to explain why they couldn't get out of bed in time to go on a cruise down the Seine and then spend the afternoon wandering around the Père Lachaise cemetery looking for Jim Morrison's grave.
It was the first real conversation he'd ever had with his mother, and the first time she'd really treated him like an actual adult who could maybe be trusted to make his own decisions. So when he brought up the summer and New York she'd bristled a little, maybe because it was hard for her to let go so much sooner than she'd thought she'd have to or maybe because she still wasn't sure she could trust Cooper. Finally she'd agreed, though - he could tell she didn't want to and that she thought spending the summer at home putting in one last season on their neighbor's farm would be better for him but she agreed because what else could she do, really?
So the worst part was over, and now he was sitting outside the principal's office with his mother next to him waiting to find out how long he was suspended. He wasn't sure why exactly they'd had to go into the school to discuss it; it wasn't like he didn't know what he'd done wrong and why they were punishing him. He'd accepted that when he told Ms. Timmons he wasn't asking Cooper to leave, so really all of this was just a formality that he would have been just as happy skipping.
The door to the principal's office swung open and the school secretary waved them in, casting a curious glance at Josh as he walked by that made his skin crawl just a little. They hadn't had to see too many of his classmates on the way in because their appointment was in the middle of third period, but the few people that had spotted him looked at him strangely enough that he knew the rumors were already flying. Nothing he hadn't expected, but it didn't make him feel any less self-conscious when he found his personal life under a microscope again.
When they walked into the office and closed the door behind them he realized that Ms. Timmons was already in there, making herself as small as possible in the chair farthest from the door as she glanced up without quite meeting Josh's eyes. That was really his first indication that something wasn't right; that maybe this wasn't just about the length of his suspension or them telling him to his face that he was uninvited to Prom. He let his mother push him down into the chair closest to the door, kept his gaze on Mr. Roberts as the principal cleared his throat and waited for his mother to sit down before he started talking.
"Mrs. Miller, I assume you understand why you're here today. I'm afraid Josh has committed some serious offenses that the school board can't afford to take lightly. . ."
He'd heard that sometimes when people were dying that they'd see their past flash before their eyes, kind of like a movie or a laundry list of all the regrets they had about time wasted or people they never quite connected with because they just couldn't find the right words. As soon as Mr. Roberts started talking Josh's future flashed in front of his eyes, like the universe laughing as it showed him what he was never, ever going to have. He wasn't even really listening to the words because he knew the story already, how he'd invited Cooper on a school trip and how he'd skipped activities and engaged in 'inappropriate behavior' while he was supposed to be representing Sandborn. Like that wasn't the biggest joke he'd ever heard; as though anybody from Sandborn save maybe Emily would vote him to represent them in anything, and Emily would only pick him because she knew it would scandalize the rest of the town.
His mother was talking now, something about his scholarship and the fact that he'd had a rough year and the school wasn't doing anything to make it easier for him. Not that they could, really, but he didn't point that out because he knew he wasn't expected to actually contribute to the conversation. He was just supposed to sit there and take it, because in this part of the country children were still seen and not heard and anybody that was a little different was a threat to the way of life they'd all worked so hard to preserve in a tiny little town where everybody knew everybody else's business.
He felt his stomach turn and wondered if he'd actually throw up on the floor of the principal's office, had to stop himself from laughing at the thought because he knew if he laughed it was all over. Not that there was really any chance of his mom changing anybody's mind; if they were going to throw him out of school there was nothing either of them could do about it, and that meant he was fucked because he couldn't go to college without a scholarship but he couldn't stay in Sandborn either.
"I'm afraid Josh cost himself this opportunity, Mrs. Miller," the principal said, his voice sinking into Josh's train of thought and forcing his attention back to the people playing with his future like they were talking about whether or not to switch from chicken strips to nuggets in the cafeteria. "His flagrant disregard for the rules and his disrespect for Ms. Timmons here have shown us what kind of person he really is. Regardless of his past record I'm afraid we have no other recourse."
"You can't expel my son from school for sleeping through a day of a school field trip," his mother answered. Josh's eyebrows shot up at the quiet strength of her tone, and he had to stifle a smile when she glanced over at him. "He's been an honor student his entire life. He's never had so much as a detention until this year, you can't just kick him out of school three months before graduation because of this."
"Perhaps the fact that Josh's behavior has changed so drastically this year is the real concern," Mr. Roberts said in that annoyingly smooth tone that made Josh wanna. . .deep breath, clenching his fists around the metal arms of his chair so he wouldn't react because his mother could handle herself and if he did lose it and open his mouth he'd just make things worse. "You've been working nights this past year, haven't you, Mrs. Miller? Perhaps Josh's lack of supervision. . ."
That was a low blow and Josh had to cough to cover a laugh at the look on his mother's face. He'd pissed her off plenty of times in his life, but he'd never seen her turn quite that shade of red and he wondered if that was what he looked like when Cooper whispered something so shocking in his ear that his whole body flushed. "If there are any problems with lack of supervision in my son's life I think the school itself is the first place to point fingers," she said, the words spit out around a clenched jaw and Josh sat up a little, wondering what she could possibly be talking about. "He tried to hide it from me and thanks to my work schedule almost succeeded, but as I'm sure you're aware news travels fast around here, even at the hospital. So I'm sure you heard about two of your students beating up my son on school grounds, although as far as I know no disciplinary action was ever taken."
Josh sat back in his chair and stared at his mother, stunned that she'd heard about that but never said anything to him. Then again he was learning all kinds of new things about his mother today, like how dangerous it could be to really piss her off. Mr. Roberts opened his mouth to sputter some kind of denial, Josh assumed, but his mom talked right over him like the guy wasn't even sitting there. "I'm sure you're also aware that Josh isn't the only student to skip some of the scheduled activities during the trip. Surely Ms. Timmons mentioned that some of the other students chose not to attend certain tours, including Emily Larson."
He said a silent prayer that Emily wouldn't kill him for opening his big mouth to his mom and getting her in trouble too, although he was pretty sure she wasn't even in danger of suspension for oversleeping and blowing off the cruise the same way Josh did. He knew why they were coming down so hard on him; none of his teachers or any other school officials had said a word to him about the fact that he was gay, but they were slow to stop the whispers and the often threatening insults that were hurled at him in the halls on a daily basis.
"This isn't just a question of skipping scheduled activities," Mr. Roberts said. Josh held his breath and waited for it, waited for the older man to bring up inappropriate behavior again and maybe even come out and admit that it had everything to do with the fact that Josh was gay. He knew nobody was going to actually say it, but in a way it would make all this easier to sit through if someone just admitted the truth. "This is a question of appropriate behavior for a school-sponsored activity."
An unconscious tug of his turtleneck as all eyes in the room turned toward him, flashes of the implied inappropriate behavior making him blush and squirm a little in his seat. Because yeah, okay - maybe he'd gone a little too far bringing his boyfriend on a school trip but it wasn't like they were hurting anybody. Cooper hadn't even really said anything to anyone in the group; in fact he wouldn't be surprised if half of them still thought Cooper was just some random French kid he'd picked up on the train.
"Regardless of my son's lack of judgement where inviting his friend along is concerned, his behavior doesn't warrant expulsion." Josh winced a little when she said the word 'friend', felt instantly guilty that it bothered him that his mother still couldn't say 'boyfriend' because it shouldn't matter but it still hurt.
"The school board may feel otherwise." Said in a flat tone, almost a threat but ambiguous enough for Mr. Roberts to take it back if he had to.
And it turned out that Josh's mom didn't really like to be threatened, because before he even knew what was happening she was throwing around words like 'harassment' and 'civil rights' and 'lawsuit' and hauling him out of his chair. He didn't even remember getting up to follow his mom out of the office - he was too busy wondering when exactly she'd had time to study up on civil rights laws and if she really would sue the school just for expelling him. A week ago he would have laughed at that idea, but he was starting to realize it was a bad idea to put anything past her.
He knew he should be worried - about his scholarship, about his future in general and about what this was going to do to his mom's life. He still didn't regret it, though, even though it could cost him college after all he still wouldn't trade hearing Cooper say I think I'm always gonna love you for anything. And he wouldn't tell his mom that; wouldn't tell anybody that because it was between him and Cooper and that was the way he wanted to keep it, and maybe it was just him being naïve but he had a feeling things would work out.