Fic: Allicante Lullaby (The Pact, Lenny/Spence, R)
Title: Alicante Lullaby
Fandom: The Pact
Pairing: Lenny/Spence
Rating: hard R
Summary: A year after they last said goodbye, Lenny gets an unexpected invitation.
Author's Note: For ladyclio16, without whom I would be woefully unaware of this fantastic movie. I hope my first foray into the fandom lives up to your expectations.
He'd imagined this moment so many times he wasn't sure what he was hoping for anymore. There had been plenty of time to think about it, after all, and there had been a few months there when he was pretty sure it would never happen.
A year - a whole year of his life gone, because even if the judge had suspended his sentence they would have put him in 'protective custody' until after the trial anyway. He knew what protective custody meant; it meant he would have done a year in juvy anyway, which was better than an actual prison but it still hadn't been a picnic.
Still, there wasn't much to do in lock-up except think, and the one thing that was always on his mind was Spence. They'd probably given him a new name now, some other white bread name to match his new, made-up white bread life. Lenny had no idea what had happened to him after the trial or where they'd sent him this time, but he knew he'd always think of him as Spence.
He'd asked once, asked Carver if he could maybe get a message to Spence or something. Carver had just given him that look like he wasn't sure whether to feel sorry for Lenny or annoyed by him, then he'd shaken his head and told Lenny he was sorry but it was impossible. Like he could just cut Lenny out of Spence's life because he didn't think they were good for each other. Like he had any right to make that decision.
There was a part of Lenny that knew Carver was right. He wasn't any good for Spence, didn't fit into his world any more now than he had when they'd first met. He'd tried to kill the guy, for fuck's sake, and even though he hadn't been able to go through with it that didn't change the fact that part of him had wanted to.
He'd spent a lot of time over the past year thinking about that too, about the reasons why he'd ignored the obvious for so long, the excuses he'd come up with to try to convince himself that his new best friend wasn't really Greg Sherman. He hadn't wanted to believe it, but he hadn't wanted to face the reasons why either, because that made him just like Paul and all those other guys he'd ever called 'fag' and beat the shit out of just for the hell of it.
It made him sick to think about it now, and every time he did he told himself Spence was better off without him. He didn't need Lenny to protect him from the bad guys, he didn't need empty promises Lenny couldn't keep from behind bars. The pact they'd made - that Spence had practically begged him to make - didn't mean anything after the way Lenny betrayed him.
Except that he'd stepped in front of the gun, and he'd taken a bullet for Spence. That had to make up for at least some of it; he wanted to believe it did, but late at night when he couldn't sleep and all he could see was Spence's face when he thought Lenny was going to kill him it was hard to believe he could ever make up for any of it.
He knew he deserved for Spence to forget all about him. They didn't see each other at the trial - something else Carver was careful to arrange - but if Lenny still hadn't been in lock-up he would have found a way. He would have found out where Spence was staying and gone to see him no matter how much danger it put them in, because when it came right down to it he was selfish.
Spence didn't come see him while he was in New York. And okay, part of him had been hoping, but he wasn't surprised when the trial ended and Spence never showed up. So Lenny put the whole mess behind him and told himself he could forget, that as soon as his sentence was up they'd give him a whole new life just like they'd done for Spence, and he could start over again.
He was less than a month away from that brand new life when it arrived; a small, nondescript white envelope, addressed to him with no return address. His fingers shook a little when he opened it, his imagination insisting that the writing on the envelope looked vaguely familiar. Brief flashes of a study session spent pressed shoulder to shoulder with Spence, finally giving up in frustration when the combination of his best friend and quadratic equations got to be more than he could take.
Slowly he pulled a single sheet of paper out of the envelope, staring down at it for a long moment before he finally dropped the envelope on what passed for a bed and unfolded the letter. There was no signature, not even his name at the top of the letter. The handwriting looked even more familiar now, though, and when he read the message he knew exactly who it was from.
I still owe you that lesson.
That was all it said, followed by an address in Seattle. Lenny's hands shook even more as he traced the three lines of writing with a fingertip, memorizing the address before he tore the page into a tiny pieces and carried them to the bathroom to flush them. He felt a little stupid after he'd done it; there was caution and then there was paranoia, after all, but he'd learned a long time ago not to trust anyone, and he'd already caused Spence enough trouble for one lifetime. Besides, the fact that Spence was trusting him - that he was holding up his end of their deal - was what Lenny had hoped for all year long, and now that he had it he wasn't sure what to do.
His last month in lock-up was a whole new world of torture, but he passed the time by hitting the books hard enough to pass the G.E.D. by the time he was released. Every night after lights out he laid in his bunk, listening to his cellmate's steady breathing while he recited the address over and over in his head. It wasn't much of a life, but it was something to hold onto, anyway, and now when he imagined seeing Spence again it didn't hurt so much.
There was never any question what he was going to do when he got out; the question was how he was going to do it. In the end he went along with Carver's plan to set him up with a new life, because it got him closer to the west coast when they relocated him to Chicago on the government's dime. Waiting until they finally stopped hovering over him was even harder than waiting out his prison term, but finally Carver went back to New York and life went back to normal and Lenny…well, Lenny just disappeared.
The bus ride to Seattle was long and miserable, and by the time he climbed out of a cab in front of the address he knew better than his own name it was drizzling. The rain matted his hair down and made his clothes feel heavy, and the bag he carried might as well have been filled with bricks instead of a few changes of clothes and a brand new toothbrush they'd given him when he moved to Chicago. He didn't try to keep anything from his old life; there was nothing he wanted, at least not anything he could carry around with him. His old man hadn't left him with anything but a few memories, and even those weren't as great as he'd thought they were when he was a kid.
His hand shook when he rang the bell for apartment 317, and when he heard that voice over the intercom he almost chickened out. "Hello?" Spence said again, and it was now or never, so Lenny cleared his throat and forced himself to answer.
"I'm looking for a swimming instructor. Heard you were the man for the job."
His heart skipped a beat when he heard the muttered 'Jesus', then the sound of the lock clicking open. It took him a second or two to remember how to work his hands long enough to pull the door open, and by the time he started up the stairs Spence was already halfway down them. They met on the landing between the first and second floors, and for a second Lenny froze in place, trapped between the urge to grab Spence and hold on and the urge to run back out the door.
Spence seemed a little unsure of what to do himself, and in the end they settled for an awkward handshake that wasn't at all like the one they'd shared the last time they saw each other. That time it had been more like holding hands than shaking, like they were both afraid to let go in case it was the last time they ever saw each other. This time…this time felt all wrong, and Lenny was sure he'd made a mistake coming here.
He didn't know what he was doing, why he'd showed up when he had a perfectly good set-up in Chicago. It was just that he'd spent the past year thinking about this moment, their pact the only thing keeping him going through a year in juvy and then the trial. Running to Spence as soon as he got out was probably putting them both in danger, and if the mob didn't kill them both in their sleep Carver would probably kill him just for being an idiot.
He let out a soft laugh and shook his head, pushing a hand through his hair before he looked up at Spence again. "So what am I supposed to call you now?"
Spence smiled and nodded in the direction of the stairs. "Come on up," he said, that shy smile of his making Lenny's heart skip a beat. "We can talk upstairs."
By the time they made it to the third floor Lenny was breathing harder, and his bag felt even heavier than it had when he got out of the cab. He dropped it with a grateful sigh as soon as he got inside the apartment, glancing around at the Early College Dorm Room look. It felt almost…normal; he wasn't sure what exactly he'd been expecting, but this wasn't it. There were textbooks stacked on the desk in one corner of the room, a small TV on a table across from the couch and a portable stereo that looked like it had been through an owner or two before Spence got a hold of it.
"You cut your hair," Spence said, and Lenny started when he realized how close the other boy was standing.
He grinned and ran a self-conscious hand through his hair for the second time. "Yeah. Part of the whole Government Makeover program. They have a lot of time on their hands in the joint."
Spence's expression clouded for a second, and Lenny swallowed an irrational surge of anger. He knew it wasn't Spence's fault he'd spent the last year in prison, but he didn't want his only friend in the world feeling sorry for him. Not about that, or about his father or anything else. He just wanted…but he didn't even know what he wanted, and that was the whole problem.
"So what are you calling yourself these days?" he asked again, hoping to steer the conversation back onto some sort of neutral ground.
"The name on the lease is Phillip Tyler."
Lenny shook his head, letting out a mournful sigh. "I can't call you Tyler, man. It's too…something."
Spence grinned at that, and just for a second Lenny could almost forget everything that had happened in the past year. "Tell me about it. You can just call me Spence. If you want. I kinda…I liked that name."
"Spence it is," Lenny said, turning in a circle to take in the rest of the tiny apartment. There was a small kitchen off the living room, and a short hallway led back to what he assumed was the bedroom. The couch looked comfortable enough; it beat what he'd been sleeping on for the past year, anyway, and besides, he didn't even know if Spence wanted him to stay. "So, Spence, what exactly am I doing here?"
"What do you mean?" Spence asked, his smile faltering a little when Lenny turned to face him again.
Lenny shrugged and crossed the room, taking a seat on the edge of the couch and pretending to be interested in testing it for comfort so he wouldn't have to look at the other boy. "I mean it's been a long time. I figured you would've gotten on with your life, you know. Put all that stuff behind you."
For a second Spence looked confused, but when his expression fell Lenny had to swallow against a pang of guilt. "I wouldn't just forget. We made a pact, right?"
"Right, the pact," Lenny said, nodding as though it really had slipped his mind. As though it ever could; Spence had practically begged Lenny to be his friend, and that was probably the one thing that had saved both their lives.
"Hey, you hungry or anything?" Spence asked a little too cheerfully, turning on his heel and practically falling over himself on his way to the kitchen. He kept his back to Lenny as he dug through cabinets, presumably looking for something to feed him. It was kind of…cute, watching Spence act nervous around him, except he wasn't acting nervous for the reason Lenny had been hoping since he got Spence's letter.
Part of Lenny had known even when he got on the bus to Seattle that the only reason Spence had sent him his address was out of some sense of obligation, some weird need to prove to Lenny that he didn't hold what happened against him. It didn't have anything to do with unfinished business between them, at least not the way Lenny had been fantasizing about for a year now. And that made him just as bad as he'd ever accused Paul of being, because he'd come all the way out here on the off chance that his only friend in the world wanted him.
He had no idea what was supposed to happen now that he was here, and part of him wanted to turn around and go right back to Chicago. It wasn't too late; nobody knew he was gone yet, and even if they did he could think up some excuse for why he'd skipped town on the bus ride back. It would keep him from thinking about Spence, anyway, and the less of that he did the better off he'd be.
"Listen," he said, standing up again and wiping the palms of his hands on his jeans as he crossed to the kitchen, "I don't know how long I can hang out before Carver starts to get nervous. Somebody's gotta be Andrew Thompson, right?"
Spence froze at the sound of Lenny's voice, setting a box of macaroni and cheese on the counter before he turned to face the other boy. "You mean…you're going back?"
"Well, yeah," Lenny answered, shrugging as casually as he could manage. "Carver went to all that trouble, right? Besides, it's not like he won't figure out where I am eventually. Might take him awhile to notice I'm gone, but when he does…"
"This is the first place he'll look, yeah, I know," Spence interrupted, a little of the fierceness Lenny had missed so much creeping into his expression. "So what? He can't tell us how to live our lives. He might try, but that doesn't mean we have to listen. The trial's over, we can do whatever we want now, right?"
"So what, I'm supposed to move to Seattle because you're feeling a little rebellious?"
And if he hadn't learned to keep his mouth shut by now he was pretty sure he was never going to, but he still felt like the biggest jerk ever when Spence looked at him like Lenny had just sucker punched him. He had no idea what was going on, though, and Spence was acting like they'd had this whole thing planned out from the beginning. He was acting like they'd just seen each other a few days ago and Lenny hadn't just been in juvy for an entire year, like he hadn't almost gotten them both killed.
"No," Spence finally said, turning his back on Lenny again, "you're supposed to move here because we're supposed to look out for each other."
Lenny opened his mouth to say something about how that was Carver's job, but one look at Spence's face made him think better of it. Instead he shook his head and let out a heavy sigh, pulling out one of the two chairs at Spence's tiny kitchen table and straddling it to rest his chin on the back. "You run this by Carver yet? Because he already set me up with a place and a job in Chicago, I doubt he's gonna do it all over again out here."
Spence's back was still to him, the lines of his shoulders tensing as he listened to Lenny talk. And this whole thing was way too weird, because Lenny had no idea what Spence wanted from him and he had a feeling Spence wouldn't say even if Lenny came right out and asked him. It was like Spence was just expecting him to show up ready to…what, play house? Move in and act like nothing had ever happened? They'd barely even been friends for two weeks before Lenny got shot and then shipped back to New York, and since then nothing for a whole year. Technically they didn't even know each other, but he was supposed to sit here and pretend this was all totally normal.
He didn't have anything better to do, though, and he was the one who'd come running as soon as Spence called. So maybe he was just mad at himself for being so pathetic, for hanging on to something that had never even been there. But Spence seemed to want him around, and that was more than he could say for anybody else in the world. The one person he'd thought he could count on was spending the rest of his life in prison, and it turned out that he'd lied to Lenny for most of his life anyway.
"You can stay here," Spence said, jolting Lenny out of his reverie. He swallowed hard against the lump that had begun to form in his throat, carefully forcing his features back to neutral before he looked up again. Spence was leaning against the counter, water starting to boil in the pot just behind him. If Lenny didn't know better he'd say Spence almost looked scared, although whether he was scared that Lenny would turn him down or just afraid to sleep in the same apartment with someone who'd tried to kill him Lenny couldn’t say. "I'm taking some classes at the University, you could probably enroll next semester if you want. You graduated from high school, right?"
Lenny grinned at that; it just went to show how little they really knew about each other. Spence had no idea that Lenny was a whole year older than him, and he didn't know that Lenny had dropped out of high school when he was fifteen. "Yeah," he answered. "Not much else to do in the joint."
Spence flinched again and Lenny got the feeling he was never going to be all that comfortable hearing about his time in juvy, but a second later Spence cleared his throat and looked over at him again. "Was it…really bad?"
"I wouldn't recommend it for your next vacation," Lenny joked, but as soon as he saw the look on Spence's face he regretted it. He swallowed another sigh and shrugged noncommittally, glancing out the small window next to the kitchen table. "It wasn't that bad. Just boring. I pretty much kept to myself, you know? Most of the kids in there were younger than me anyway."
"I wanted to write," Spence said suddenly, and when Lenny turned to look at him again he could just make out a faint trace of pink in his cheeks. "But you know Carver…I figured he had Ms. Wokowski going through the mail to make sure I didn't."
"Yeah, probably." Lenny's heart was beating a little too fast, and he knew if he didn't change the subject soon he was going to say something he'd regret. He cleared his throat and wiped his hands on his jeans again, pasting what he hoped was a casual grin on his face. "So how was it after I bailed, anyway? You and Camille ever get anything going?"
Spence shook his head and turned away abruptly, pouring boxed macaroni into the pot of water boiling on the stove. "Nah. She wasn't really my type."
"What are you talking about? The way you two were making eyes at each other during rehearsal I thought you'd be engaged by now." And there went Spence's shoulders again, doing that weird tensing thing that let Lenny know he'd said something wrong. It was obvious he was missing something, but unless Camille had broken Spence's heart he didn't know what it could be.
"It wasn't like that."
"Okay," Lenny said under his breath, resting his chin on his hands as he watched Spence move around the small kitchen. "So you still talk to anybody from school? What about Paul?"
Spence glanced up at that, a small grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "You were right about him, you know."
"No shit," Lenny shot back, rolling his eyes at the look of surprise on Spence's features. "Come on, man, it was pretty obvious. I mean he asked me to run lines with him. I know when a guy's hitting on me."
The surprised look intensified for a second, then Spence blushed and looked away again and Lenny's stomach twisted into a tight ball of tension. He knew he should ask how Spence knew for sure that Paul was gay, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know. "So you guys stayed in touch?"
"Not really. We did for awhile, but he's all wrapped up in his boyfriend now so I never hear from him. It's probably just as well, Phillip Tyler isn't supposed to have any contact with anybody from school."
"And yet, here I am." Lenny grinned and spread his arms out at his sides when Spence looked at him. "Bet Carver's gonna have a heart attack."
"So does that mean you're staying?" Spence was standing at the sink now, spilling pasta into the sink as he tried to drain the water out of the pot using the lid. Lenny shook his head and stood up, crossing the small room and reaching around the other boy.
"You're doing that wrong," he said, gripping the handle of the pot and turning it upright again. Spence tensed but didn't try to move away, letting Lenny's hands guide him until the water was drained and most of the macaroni had been salvaged. When he was done Lenny cleared his throat and let go of the pot, but Spence let go at the same time and before either of them could react their dinner was upside down in the sink.
"Shit," Spence muttered, but as Lenny watched heat creep up his neck and into his ears he couldn't help thinking the other boy wasn't talking about dinner.
Lenny laughed softly and took a step backwards, leaning back against the counter to give Spence whatever space he needed to pull himself together. "I'm not really a big fan of macaroni and cheese anyway."
Spence glanced over at him and laughed, and Lenny decided that he liked the way Spence looked when he blushed. "I'll order a pizza or something."
He brushed past Lenny on his way to the phone, picking up the receiver and dialing a number he'd obviously used a few times since he moved in. Lenny waited until he placed the order before he moved again, following Spence into the living room and watching while the other boy found his wallet and pulled out a couple bills.
"You really want me to stay?"
Spence looked up at the sound of his voice, blushing all over again when he found Lenny watching him. "Yeah, of course. I'll even call you Andrew or whatever the hell your new name is if you want."
"I left Andrew Thompson back in Chicago."
And all Spence had to do was grin at him like that and he'd never even be able to think about leaving, but he wasn't going to admit that. Instead he crossed the room and clapped the other boy on the shoulder, hoping Spence couldn't hear the sound of his heart pounding way too loud against his chest. "I'm staying. Gotta keep an eye on you, right? You were dumb enough to write to me, somebody has to make sure you don't get yourself killed."
~
Things between them were weird. That was the only word Spence could think of to describe it; after a week of Lenny sleeping on his couch and being there whenever Spence got home from classes, things were still weird. He'd known it was going to take awhile to adjust to living together, but he'd expected things to feel different by now. More comfortable, maybe, although he'd settle for less tense.
It didn't help that he couldn't be around Lenny without thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. He knew Lenny wasn't like that and he wasn't about to screw up their friendship by trying anything, but eventually he was going to have to tell Lenny the truth about himself. He wasn't sure he wanted to tell the other boy about his disastrous experience with Camille, then his other, slightly less embarrassing experience with Paul.
He wasn't even sure Lenny would stay once he heard Spence liked guys, and he hated that he was more concerned with keeping his friend close than he was with being honest with him. Still, no matter how many times he laid awake at night and practiced his coming out speech, he hadn't been able to go through with it.
He'd tried convincing himself that Lenny was like the brother he'd never had, that he wanted the other boy around because they'd both lost their parents and they understood each other. But after a year of not thinking about anything but finding Lenny he knew it was more than that. He was in love with his best friend. Maybe he had been from the very beginning, when they'd put on those stupid wigs and snuck into the girls' locker room. Or maybe he'd fallen when Lenny beat up those kids defending his honor; in the end it didn't matter, because the feelings were real and they wouldn't go away no matter how hard he wished they would.
He tried not to wonder what had happened to Lenny during his year away, tried even harder not to think of all the things that must have happened to him to make him desperate enough to show up at that school looking to kill Spence in the first place. Only he'd been looking to kill Greg Sherman, and Greg didn't exist anymore. To everyone else he was Phillip Tyler now, and the only person who really knew him was the boy moaning softly in his living room.
It happened most nights; the first time Spence had blushed hot and dark, holding his breath for fear that Lenny would hear him breathing from two rooms away and know he was listening. He laid awake the rest of the night, hard and terrified to do anything about it in case Lenny was still awake. But the second night it happened again, and he couldn't help himself, not when Lenny was so close. He'd crept out into the living room, his dick already half-hard just from the sound of Lenny's low moans.
Only when he peeked over the edge of the couch Lenny wasn't touching himself; he wasn't even awake, and from the look on his face it was obvious he was having a nightmare. Spence had forced himself to go back to bed, caught between wanting to wake Lenny and fear of what would happen if he did. Since then he'd been getting even less sleep than usual, and it was just making it harder for him to deal with the tension between them.
He knew if he didn't do something he wasn't going to get any sleep tonight, but there was a part of him that was terrified that the nightmares were about Lenny's year in juvenile detention. Spence hadn't asked much about it because he wasn't sure he wanted to know, and even if he did want to know he wasn't sure Lenny would tell him. Still, they couldn't go on like this forever, and if Lenny couldn't talk to him about it then who could he talk to?
Spence took a deep breath and kicked off the covers, creeping out into the living room to peer down at his roommate. Lenny looked older with his hair short, and Spence had to resist the urge to reach down and run his hand through the other boy's hair. He wanted to stroke Lenny's cheek, soothe away the deep lines of tension in his forehead, but he knew he didn't have the right.
In the end he settled for reaching out and tentatively shaking Lenny's shoulder, trying hard not to focus on the warmth of the skin under his fingers. "Dalton. Lenny, wake up."
Lenny woke with a start, his hand closing around Spence's in a too-tight grip as he sat up straight and blinked against the sudden change in light. "Dalton, it's okay, it's just me," Spence said, tugging at the hand still gripped too hard in Lenny's fingers.
It took Lenny a few seconds to focus on him, but when he finally recognized Spence some of the tension eased out of his shoulders and he relaxed his grip enough for Spence to pull his hand away. Spence swallowed a relieved sigh and sat down on the edge of the couch, careful not to touch as he watched the other boy struggle to catch his breath. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Lenny answered, although he didn't sound all that sure. "What's going on?"
"You were having some kind of dream," Spence answered, suddenly feeling a little foolish for worrying so much about a few nightmares. "It sounded pretty bad tonight."
"Tonight?"
As soon as he realized what he'd said Spence blushed, thankful it was dark in the living room so Lenny wouldn't see. "Yeah, you have them a lot. Didn't you know?"
"No. I never remember my dreams."
Spence couldn't tell whether or not Lenny was telling the truth, but he couldn't help being a little grateful that he wasn't going to have to hear an account of some terrible thing that had happened to Lenny before they met. Or worse, something that had happened to him during the last year, because that would mean it was Spence's fault for getting Lenny sent there in the first place.
He knew what Lenny would say if he heard Spence say that; he'd tell him it wasn't his fault, that he was being stupid and Lenny was the one who'd landed himself in trouble. Spence couldn't buy that, though, because if he hadn't lived the night his parents died Lenny would never have been at that school with a gun in his hand, trying to talk himself into shooting his best friend. He didn't have any right to ask Lenny to come here, not after the mess he'd made of Lenny's life. And he didn't have any right to want to keep him here if Lenny wanted to go, no matter how much he wanted to.
The only problem was that he couldn't find a way to say all that, not without making Lenny think Spence wanted him to leave. And that was the last thing he wanted, no matter how selfish it was. "Listen, are you okay?" he asked, venturing a quick glance down at Lenny's chest to make sure the other boy was breathing normally again.
"Yeah," Lenny answered, "yeah, I'm fine."
Spence nodded and started to stand up, but as soon as he did a hand closed around his wrist and pulled him back down. "Sorry I woke you, man."
"I wasn't asleep," Spence answered before he could stop himself, blushing even harder when he realized he'd just admitted to lying in his room listening to Lenny sleep. It was bad enough he'd practically begged the other boy not to go back to Chicago, but now he could add stalking to his list of faults. At this rate he'd wake up one morning and Lenny would be gone without a word, back to Chicago or maybe somewhere Spence would never be able to find him. "I mean I couldn't…I don't sleep that well since…you know."
And just the pressure of Lenny's fingers on his wrist was making him hard again, which made him a stalker and a total pervert. He knew he needed to get out of there, to escape back to his own room before he did something he couldn't take back. It was way too tempting, sitting so close to Lenny in the dark, Lenny's skin warm against his own and the blanket slipping low enough to reveal the elastic at the top of his underwear. He stood up abruptly, hoping to God Lenny didn't notice why he was in such a hurry to get away. "I'll let you get back to sleep," he muttered, feeling like the world's biggest idiot as he crossed the living room and made it to the relative safety of his bedroom.
He made it as far as the bed before he heard movement behind him, and when he looked up he found Lenny standing in the doorway, his arms crossed over his bare chest. "You really haven't been sleeping since then?"
"Not since…I meant since my parents got killed," Spence answered, wishing fervently that he could take back that admission so that Lenny would go back to the couch and he could die quietly of embarrassment in his own room.
"Jesus, Spence," Lenny said, crossing the room to sit down on the bed next to the other boy. And now Spence really was going to die, because Lenny's shoulder was pressed against his and if Spence leaned forward just a little and turned his head just right…he felt his skin heat up again and his fingers clenched around the sheets underneath him. "No wonder you're wound so tight all the time."
Automatically Spence tensed up, and when he heard Lenny's soft laugh he knew the other boy had noticed as well. "You gotta relax, man. You're gonna give yourself a stroke."
"Easy for you to say," Spence muttered, although he knew it wasn't true. The nightmares Lenny had almost nightly were a pretty clear indication of that. Still, it felt kind of good to be able to sit here in the dark with Lenny, knowing that they were both sort of going through the same thing even if they didn't talk about it. "You really don't remember what your nightmares are about?"
"No. Swear to God," Lenny added when Spence glanced over at him. He let out a shaky laugh at Lenny's mock-earnest expression, tightening his grip on the sheets even harder to keep from leaning in and kissing the other boy. He wasn't sure how long they sat there like that, grinning in the dark at each other, but when the silence stretched out a little too long Lenny cleared his throat and Spence flushed and looked away.
"You remember what you said about Paul?"
All the tension came rushing back at the mention of his ex-roommate; this was it, Lenny was going to ask him point-blank if he was a fag and Spence was going to have to tell him the truth. He'd said himself that he could tell when a guy was hitting on him, and Spence didn't know enough about hitting on guys to tell whether or not he'd been doing it. He shifted uncomfortably on the mattress, trying to put some space between them without making it obvious. "What about it?"
"What'd you tell him? When he told you."
"I told him it didn't matter to me, and he should just be himself." Spence's pulse was racing, but he wasn't going to let Lenny see how scared he was. If he could just stay calm he could get through this, and then…well, if Lenny was gone when he woke up in the morning at least he'd know.
"So did he ever…I mean he hit on me, seems like you'd be the next obvious choice."
Lenny laughed a little nervously, like he was trying to play it off like it was a joke. Spence could tell the question was serious, though, and he had to look down at his knees while he answered. "After the whole thing with Camille I kind of wondered, you know? So he offered to help me figure it out."
"So did you?"
"Jesus, Dalton, I just said…" He was blushing hard now, heat radiating off him in waves he was sure Lenny could feel. But he'd been practicing all the stuff Lenny had taught him, and he was pretty sure it would be at least close to a fair fight if Lenny wanted to kick his ass for being gay.
"I know what you said," Lenny said in a voice that was way too calm. "What I'm asking is if you figured it out."
And okay, he was pretty sure his blush was going to be permanent, because he couldn't imagine anything more embarrassing than Lenny asking him about his sex life. Not that he had one to talk about; a few bad kisses with Camille and then some groping with Paul didn't really count as an actual 'sex life', at least not to somebody like Lenny. But Lenny didn't seem all that freaked out - or even all that surprised, really - about any of it, so maybe he wasn't planning to kill Spence after all.
"Yeah," Spence heard himself answer, his voice breathy and too soft even in the late night silence, but somehow Lenny heard it anyway, or else he just didn't care what the answer was. Either way he nodded and leaned a little closer, and Spence braced himself out of habit more than fear.
And Lenny's mouth was even softer than his hands, hands that gripped Spence's shoulders just this side of too hard and pulled him closer, one hand sliding into his hair to angle his head just so. He had a feeling he wasn't much of a kisser, but Lenny sure as hell was, and Spence was more than happy to follow the other boy's lead for once.
Spence tried hard not to wonder who else Lenny had done this with and whether they'd been any good at it. He knew there had been at least a few girls, but he wondered if there were other guys before him. A year ago he would have said no way, that Lenny would kill the first guy who so much as looked at him wrong, but his hands sure seemed to know what they were doing, and when Spence gasped against his mouth Lenny's tongue slid inside like he'd just been waiting for an invitation.
He wasn't exactly sure how he ended up on his back with Lenny draped on top of him; from the time Lenny's mouth first pressed against his to the moment he felt his boxers inching down his hips Spence's world was a blur. Lenny's hands were everywhere, mapping every inch of his skin with a possessiveness that made Spence's whole body shudder. And he knew he should be doing something, but even if he wasn't pinned beneath the other boy he hadn't really done this enough to know what to do.
"God, Lenny," he murmured when Lenny's mouth left his to trail down his neck. He gasped and arched up when Lenny bit down on his skin, squeezing his eyes shut and thrusting frantically against the other boy. Lenny's mouth worked relentlessly on his skin, the suction driving Spence almost crazy by the time he was finally satisfied that the mark would last. When he was done Lenny pulled back and looked down at him, and if it hadn't been so dark in the room Spence would have thought he was inspecting his work.
"Tell me what you did with him," Lenny said, his voice low and rough and God, Spence was going to come just from the sound alone.
"W-who?" he asked, frowning up at the other boy as Lenny's hand gripped his hip to stop him from moving.
"Who do you think? Your little fuckbuddy Paul. Did he let you fuck him?"
"Jesus…no," Spence answered, shaking his head and struggling against Lenny's grip. He'd known it was a bad idea to mention Paul, but the look in Lenny's eyes was a lot more fierce than Spence had expected. "I told you, it was just a little kissing. Lenny, please…"
Lenny shifted on top of him, evoking a sharp gasp from high in Spence's throat as he brushed their cocks together. "Come on, Spence. You're telling me he never even touched you?" A hand dipped between them, the heel of Lenny's hand pressing against his erection. "Like this, maybe?"
"No," Spence lied, thrusting up automatically into Lenny's hand. "Jesus Christ, Dalton. Do you wanna call him and ask him yourself?"
He had to work hard not to let out a relieved sigh when Lenny's expression faltered, and a second later his free hand was buried in Spence's hair again and he was murmuring something against the other boy's mouth. Spence had a feeling the word he couldn't bring himself to say out loud was 'sorry', but at the moment he didn't really care. All he cared about was the fact that Lenny had him pinned to the bed just like in every one of his fantasies, and he still hadn't come.
And he'd have to remember to send Paul an e-mail or something, because he had a feeling Lenny wasn't just going to let this thing go. He couldn't worry about it now, though, not while Lenny's mouth was still moving against his and his hands were working Spence's boxers down again. He lifted his hips to help Lenny get them off, then he watched as Lenny yanked his briefs down and planted a knee on either side of him.
Paul had touched him a couple times, but it had never been like this. Spence knew it was just because he'd been thinking about this for so long, wanting it and believing he could never have it. But now Lenny was here and alive and when he wrapped his hand around both their cocks and pressed their lips together again Spence groaned low in his throat and came.
It would have been embarrassing if Lenny wasn't supposed to think he was completely inexperienced, but in a way it worked in his favor. He didn't even mind Lenny's breathless laugh against Spence's mouth, and when Lenny came a few seconds later and collapsed on top of him Spence reached up and wrapped one arm around the other boy's back. He had a feeling he wasn't going to get that many chances just to hold Lenny, so he focused as hard as he could to memorize everything about the way Lenny felt against him.
Too soon the other boy groaned and rolled off him, and Spence pushed himself up on one elbow to trace the scar on Lenny's shoulder. "Does it still hurt?"
"Nah," Lenny answered, shrugging his left shoulder absently under Spence's touch. "Sometimes it gets sore when it rains."
Spence laughed softly, shaking his head when Lenny opened one eye to glare suspiciously at him. "Wow, they put us in the wrong place," he said, and when Lenny grinned at him Spence felt everything shift back into place again.
"They didn't put me here, remember?" He didn't wait for an answer before he reached up and pulled Spence back down onto the mattress, his hand lingering on Spence's chest for a second before he pulled it away. "You think you can sleep now?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Good." Lenny closed his eyes again and let Spence pull the sheet over both of them, and when Spence laid down next to him again Lenny shifted just a little closer. And he wasn't sure if he'd actually be able to sleep tonight, but even if he couldn't at least when Lenny woke up he'd be there.
Fandom: The Pact
Pairing: Lenny/Spence
Rating: hard R
Summary: A year after they last said goodbye, Lenny gets an unexpected invitation.
Author's Note: For ladyclio16, without whom I would be woefully unaware of this fantastic movie. I hope my first foray into the fandom lives up to your expectations.
He'd imagined this moment so many times he wasn't sure what he was hoping for anymore. There had been plenty of time to think about it, after all, and there had been a few months there when he was pretty sure it would never happen.
A year - a whole year of his life gone, because even if the judge had suspended his sentence they would have put him in 'protective custody' until after the trial anyway. He knew what protective custody meant; it meant he would have done a year in juvy anyway, which was better than an actual prison but it still hadn't been a picnic.
Still, there wasn't much to do in lock-up except think, and the one thing that was always on his mind was Spence. They'd probably given him a new name now, some other white bread name to match his new, made-up white bread life. Lenny had no idea what had happened to him after the trial or where they'd sent him this time, but he knew he'd always think of him as Spence.
He'd asked once, asked Carver if he could maybe get a message to Spence or something. Carver had just given him that look like he wasn't sure whether to feel sorry for Lenny or annoyed by him, then he'd shaken his head and told Lenny he was sorry but it was impossible. Like he could just cut Lenny out of Spence's life because he didn't think they were good for each other. Like he had any right to make that decision.
There was a part of Lenny that knew Carver was right. He wasn't any good for Spence, didn't fit into his world any more now than he had when they'd first met. He'd tried to kill the guy, for fuck's sake, and even though he hadn't been able to go through with it that didn't change the fact that part of him had wanted to.
He'd spent a lot of time over the past year thinking about that too, about the reasons why he'd ignored the obvious for so long, the excuses he'd come up with to try to convince himself that his new best friend wasn't really Greg Sherman. He hadn't wanted to believe it, but he hadn't wanted to face the reasons why either, because that made him just like Paul and all those other guys he'd ever called 'fag' and beat the shit out of just for the hell of it.
It made him sick to think about it now, and every time he did he told himself Spence was better off without him. He didn't need Lenny to protect him from the bad guys, he didn't need empty promises Lenny couldn't keep from behind bars. The pact they'd made - that Spence had practically begged him to make - didn't mean anything after the way Lenny betrayed him.
Except that he'd stepped in front of the gun, and he'd taken a bullet for Spence. That had to make up for at least some of it; he wanted to believe it did, but late at night when he couldn't sleep and all he could see was Spence's face when he thought Lenny was going to kill him it was hard to believe he could ever make up for any of it.
He knew he deserved for Spence to forget all about him. They didn't see each other at the trial - something else Carver was careful to arrange - but if Lenny still hadn't been in lock-up he would have found a way. He would have found out where Spence was staying and gone to see him no matter how much danger it put them in, because when it came right down to it he was selfish.
Spence didn't come see him while he was in New York. And okay, part of him had been hoping, but he wasn't surprised when the trial ended and Spence never showed up. So Lenny put the whole mess behind him and told himself he could forget, that as soon as his sentence was up they'd give him a whole new life just like they'd done for Spence, and he could start over again.
He was less than a month away from that brand new life when it arrived; a small, nondescript white envelope, addressed to him with no return address. His fingers shook a little when he opened it, his imagination insisting that the writing on the envelope looked vaguely familiar. Brief flashes of a study session spent pressed shoulder to shoulder with Spence, finally giving up in frustration when the combination of his best friend and quadratic equations got to be more than he could take.
Slowly he pulled a single sheet of paper out of the envelope, staring down at it for a long moment before he finally dropped the envelope on what passed for a bed and unfolded the letter. There was no signature, not even his name at the top of the letter. The handwriting looked even more familiar now, though, and when he read the message he knew exactly who it was from.
I still owe you that lesson.
That was all it said, followed by an address in Seattle. Lenny's hands shook even more as he traced the three lines of writing with a fingertip, memorizing the address before he tore the page into a tiny pieces and carried them to the bathroom to flush them. He felt a little stupid after he'd done it; there was caution and then there was paranoia, after all, but he'd learned a long time ago not to trust anyone, and he'd already caused Spence enough trouble for one lifetime. Besides, the fact that Spence was trusting him - that he was holding up his end of their deal - was what Lenny had hoped for all year long, and now that he had it he wasn't sure what to do.
His last month in lock-up was a whole new world of torture, but he passed the time by hitting the books hard enough to pass the G.E.D. by the time he was released. Every night after lights out he laid in his bunk, listening to his cellmate's steady breathing while he recited the address over and over in his head. It wasn't much of a life, but it was something to hold onto, anyway, and now when he imagined seeing Spence again it didn't hurt so much.
There was never any question what he was going to do when he got out; the question was how he was going to do it. In the end he went along with Carver's plan to set him up with a new life, because it got him closer to the west coast when they relocated him to Chicago on the government's dime. Waiting until they finally stopped hovering over him was even harder than waiting out his prison term, but finally Carver went back to New York and life went back to normal and Lenny…well, Lenny just disappeared.
The bus ride to Seattle was long and miserable, and by the time he climbed out of a cab in front of the address he knew better than his own name it was drizzling. The rain matted his hair down and made his clothes feel heavy, and the bag he carried might as well have been filled with bricks instead of a few changes of clothes and a brand new toothbrush they'd given him when he moved to Chicago. He didn't try to keep anything from his old life; there was nothing he wanted, at least not anything he could carry around with him. His old man hadn't left him with anything but a few memories, and even those weren't as great as he'd thought they were when he was a kid.
His hand shook when he rang the bell for apartment 317, and when he heard that voice over the intercom he almost chickened out. "Hello?" Spence said again, and it was now or never, so Lenny cleared his throat and forced himself to answer.
"I'm looking for a swimming instructor. Heard you were the man for the job."
His heart skipped a beat when he heard the muttered 'Jesus', then the sound of the lock clicking open. It took him a second or two to remember how to work his hands long enough to pull the door open, and by the time he started up the stairs Spence was already halfway down them. They met on the landing between the first and second floors, and for a second Lenny froze in place, trapped between the urge to grab Spence and hold on and the urge to run back out the door.
Spence seemed a little unsure of what to do himself, and in the end they settled for an awkward handshake that wasn't at all like the one they'd shared the last time they saw each other. That time it had been more like holding hands than shaking, like they were both afraid to let go in case it was the last time they ever saw each other. This time…this time felt all wrong, and Lenny was sure he'd made a mistake coming here.
He didn't know what he was doing, why he'd showed up when he had a perfectly good set-up in Chicago. It was just that he'd spent the past year thinking about this moment, their pact the only thing keeping him going through a year in juvy and then the trial. Running to Spence as soon as he got out was probably putting them both in danger, and if the mob didn't kill them both in their sleep Carver would probably kill him just for being an idiot.
He let out a soft laugh and shook his head, pushing a hand through his hair before he looked up at Spence again. "So what am I supposed to call you now?"
Spence smiled and nodded in the direction of the stairs. "Come on up," he said, that shy smile of his making Lenny's heart skip a beat. "We can talk upstairs."
By the time they made it to the third floor Lenny was breathing harder, and his bag felt even heavier than it had when he got out of the cab. He dropped it with a grateful sigh as soon as he got inside the apartment, glancing around at the Early College Dorm Room look. It felt almost…normal; he wasn't sure what exactly he'd been expecting, but this wasn't it. There were textbooks stacked on the desk in one corner of the room, a small TV on a table across from the couch and a portable stereo that looked like it had been through an owner or two before Spence got a hold of it.
"You cut your hair," Spence said, and Lenny started when he realized how close the other boy was standing.
He grinned and ran a self-conscious hand through his hair for the second time. "Yeah. Part of the whole Government Makeover program. They have a lot of time on their hands in the joint."
Spence's expression clouded for a second, and Lenny swallowed an irrational surge of anger. He knew it wasn't Spence's fault he'd spent the last year in prison, but he didn't want his only friend in the world feeling sorry for him. Not about that, or about his father or anything else. He just wanted…but he didn't even know what he wanted, and that was the whole problem.
"So what are you calling yourself these days?" he asked again, hoping to steer the conversation back onto some sort of neutral ground.
"The name on the lease is Phillip Tyler."
Lenny shook his head, letting out a mournful sigh. "I can't call you Tyler, man. It's too…something."
Spence grinned at that, and just for a second Lenny could almost forget everything that had happened in the past year. "Tell me about it. You can just call me Spence. If you want. I kinda…I liked that name."
"Spence it is," Lenny said, turning in a circle to take in the rest of the tiny apartment. There was a small kitchen off the living room, and a short hallway led back to what he assumed was the bedroom. The couch looked comfortable enough; it beat what he'd been sleeping on for the past year, anyway, and besides, he didn't even know if Spence wanted him to stay. "So, Spence, what exactly am I doing here?"
"What do you mean?" Spence asked, his smile faltering a little when Lenny turned to face him again.
Lenny shrugged and crossed the room, taking a seat on the edge of the couch and pretending to be interested in testing it for comfort so he wouldn't have to look at the other boy. "I mean it's been a long time. I figured you would've gotten on with your life, you know. Put all that stuff behind you."
For a second Spence looked confused, but when his expression fell Lenny had to swallow against a pang of guilt. "I wouldn't just forget. We made a pact, right?"
"Right, the pact," Lenny said, nodding as though it really had slipped his mind. As though it ever could; Spence had practically begged Lenny to be his friend, and that was probably the one thing that had saved both their lives.
"Hey, you hungry or anything?" Spence asked a little too cheerfully, turning on his heel and practically falling over himself on his way to the kitchen. He kept his back to Lenny as he dug through cabinets, presumably looking for something to feed him. It was kind of…cute, watching Spence act nervous around him, except he wasn't acting nervous for the reason Lenny had been hoping since he got Spence's letter.
Part of Lenny had known even when he got on the bus to Seattle that the only reason Spence had sent him his address was out of some sense of obligation, some weird need to prove to Lenny that he didn't hold what happened against him. It didn't have anything to do with unfinished business between them, at least not the way Lenny had been fantasizing about for a year now. And that made him just as bad as he'd ever accused Paul of being, because he'd come all the way out here on the off chance that his only friend in the world wanted him.
He had no idea what was supposed to happen now that he was here, and part of him wanted to turn around and go right back to Chicago. It wasn't too late; nobody knew he was gone yet, and even if they did he could think up some excuse for why he'd skipped town on the bus ride back. It would keep him from thinking about Spence, anyway, and the less of that he did the better off he'd be.
"Listen," he said, standing up again and wiping the palms of his hands on his jeans as he crossed to the kitchen, "I don't know how long I can hang out before Carver starts to get nervous. Somebody's gotta be Andrew Thompson, right?"
Spence froze at the sound of Lenny's voice, setting a box of macaroni and cheese on the counter before he turned to face the other boy. "You mean…you're going back?"
"Well, yeah," Lenny answered, shrugging as casually as he could manage. "Carver went to all that trouble, right? Besides, it's not like he won't figure out where I am eventually. Might take him awhile to notice I'm gone, but when he does…"
"This is the first place he'll look, yeah, I know," Spence interrupted, a little of the fierceness Lenny had missed so much creeping into his expression. "So what? He can't tell us how to live our lives. He might try, but that doesn't mean we have to listen. The trial's over, we can do whatever we want now, right?"
"So what, I'm supposed to move to Seattle because you're feeling a little rebellious?"
And if he hadn't learned to keep his mouth shut by now he was pretty sure he was never going to, but he still felt like the biggest jerk ever when Spence looked at him like Lenny had just sucker punched him. He had no idea what was going on, though, and Spence was acting like they'd had this whole thing planned out from the beginning. He was acting like they'd just seen each other a few days ago and Lenny hadn't just been in juvy for an entire year, like he hadn't almost gotten them both killed.
"No," Spence finally said, turning his back on Lenny again, "you're supposed to move here because we're supposed to look out for each other."
Lenny opened his mouth to say something about how that was Carver's job, but one look at Spence's face made him think better of it. Instead he shook his head and let out a heavy sigh, pulling out one of the two chairs at Spence's tiny kitchen table and straddling it to rest his chin on the back. "You run this by Carver yet? Because he already set me up with a place and a job in Chicago, I doubt he's gonna do it all over again out here."
Spence's back was still to him, the lines of his shoulders tensing as he listened to Lenny talk. And this whole thing was way too weird, because Lenny had no idea what Spence wanted from him and he had a feeling Spence wouldn't say even if Lenny came right out and asked him. It was like Spence was just expecting him to show up ready to…what, play house? Move in and act like nothing had ever happened? They'd barely even been friends for two weeks before Lenny got shot and then shipped back to New York, and since then nothing for a whole year. Technically they didn't even know each other, but he was supposed to sit here and pretend this was all totally normal.
He didn't have anything better to do, though, and he was the one who'd come running as soon as Spence called. So maybe he was just mad at himself for being so pathetic, for hanging on to something that had never even been there. But Spence seemed to want him around, and that was more than he could say for anybody else in the world. The one person he'd thought he could count on was spending the rest of his life in prison, and it turned out that he'd lied to Lenny for most of his life anyway.
"You can stay here," Spence said, jolting Lenny out of his reverie. He swallowed hard against the lump that had begun to form in his throat, carefully forcing his features back to neutral before he looked up again. Spence was leaning against the counter, water starting to boil in the pot just behind him. If Lenny didn't know better he'd say Spence almost looked scared, although whether he was scared that Lenny would turn him down or just afraid to sleep in the same apartment with someone who'd tried to kill him Lenny couldn’t say. "I'm taking some classes at the University, you could probably enroll next semester if you want. You graduated from high school, right?"
Lenny grinned at that; it just went to show how little they really knew about each other. Spence had no idea that Lenny was a whole year older than him, and he didn't know that Lenny had dropped out of high school when he was fifteen. "Yeah," he answered. "Not much else to do in the joint."
Spence flinched again and Lenny got the feeling he was never going to be all that comfortable hearing about his time in juvy, but a second later Spence cleared his throat and looked over at him again. "Was it…really bad?"
"I wouldn't recommend it for your next vacation," Lenny joked, but as soon as he saw the look on Spence's face he regretted it. He swallowed another sigh and shrugged noncommittally, glancing out the small window next to the kitchen table. "It wasn't that bad. Just boring. I pretty much kept to myself, you know? Most of the kids in there were younger than me anyway."
"I wanted to write," Spence said suddenly, and when Lenny turned to look at him again he could just make out a faint trace of pink in his cheeks. "But you know Carver…I figured he had Ms. Wokowski going through the mail to make sure I didn't."
"Yeah, probably." Lenny's heart was beating a little too fast, and he knew if he didn't change the subject soon he was going to say something he'd regret. He cleared his throat and wiped his hands on his jeans again, pasting what he hoped was a casual grin on his face. "So how was it after I bailed, anyway? You and Camille ever get anything going?"
Spence shook his head and turned away abruptly, pouring boxed macaroni into the pot of water boiling on the stove. "Nah. She wasn't really my type."
"What are you talking about? The way you two were making eyes at each other during rehearsal I thought you'd be engaged by now." And there went Spence's shoulders again, doing that weird tensing thing that let Lenny know he'd said something wrong. It was obvious he was missing something, but unless Camille had broken Spence's heart he didn't know what it could be.
"It wasn't like that."
"Okay," Lenny said under his breath, resting his chin on his hands as he watched Spence move around the small kitchen. "So you still talk to anybody from school? What about Paul?"
Spence glanced up at that, a small grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "You were right about him, you know."
"No shit," Lenny shot back, rolling his eyes at the look of surprise on Spence's features. "Come on, man, it was pretty obvious. I mean he asked me to run lines with him. I know when a guy's hitting on me."
The surprised look intensified for a second, then Spence blushed and looked away again and Lenny's stomach twisted into a tight ball of tension. He knew he should ask how Spence knew for sure that Paul was gay, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know. "So you guys stayed in touch?"
"Not really. We did for awhile, but he's all wrapped up in his boyfriend now so I never hear from him. It's probably just as well, Phillip Tyler isn't supposed to have any contact with anybody from school."
"And yet, here I am." Lenny grinned and spread his arms out at his sides when Spence looked at him. "Bet Carver's gonna have a heart attack."
"So does that mean you're staying?" Spence was standing at the sink now, spilling pasta into the sink as he tried to drain the water out of the pot using the lid. Lenny shook his head and stood up, crossing the small room and reaching around the other boy.
"You're doing that wrong," he said, gripping the handle of the pot and turning it upright again. Spence tensed but didn't try to move away, letting Lenny's hands guide him until the water was drained and most of the macaroni had been salvaged. When he was done Lenny cleared his throat and let go of the pot, but Spence let go at the same time and before either of them could react their dinner was upside down in the sink.
"Shit," Spence muttered, but as Lenny watched heat creep up his neck and into his ears he couldn't help thinking the other boy wasn't talking about dinner.
Lenny laughed softly and took a step backwards, leaning back against the counter to give Spence whatever space he needed to pull himself together. "I'm not really a big fan of macaroni and cheese anyway."
Spence glanced over at him and laughed, and Lenny decided that he liked the way Spence looked when he blushed. "I'll order a pizza or something."
He brushed past Lenny on his way to the phone, picking up the receiver and dialing a number he'd obviously used a few times since he moved in. Lenny waited until he placed the order before he moved again, following Spence into the living room and watching while the other boy found his wallet and pulled out a couple bills.
"You really want me to stay?"
Spence looked up at the sound of his voice, blushing all over again when he found Lenny watching him. "Yeah, of course. I'll even call you Andrew or whatever the hell your new name is if you want."
"I left Andrew Thompson back in Chicago."
And all Spence had to do was grin at him like that and he'd never even be able to think about leaving, but he wasn't going to admit that. Instead he crossed the room and clapped the other boy on the shoulder, hoping Spence couldn't hear the sound of his heart pounding way too loud against his chest. "I'm staying. Gotta keep an eye on you, right? You were dumb enough to write to me, somebody has to make sure you don't get yourself killed."
~
Things between them were weird. That was the only word Spence could think of to describe it; after a week of Lenny sleeping on his couch and being there whenever Spence got home from classes, things were still weird. He'd known it was going to take awhile to adjust to living together, but he'd expected things to feel different by now. More comfortable, maybe, although he'd settle for less tense.
It didn't help that he couldn't be around Lenny without thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. He knew Lenny wasn't like that and he wasn't about to screw up their friendship by trying anything, but eventually he was going to have to tell Lenny the truth about himself. He wasn't sure he wanted to tell the other boy about his disastrous experience with Camille, then his other, slightly less embarrassing experience with Paul.
He wasn't even sure Lenny would stay once he heard Spence liked guys, and he hated that he was more concerned with keeping his friend close than he was with being honest with him. Still, no matter how many times he laid awake at night and practiced his coming out speech, he hadn't been able to go through with it.
He'd tried convincing himself that Lenny was like the brother he'd never had, that he wanted the other boy around because they'd both lost their parents and they understood each other. But after a year of not thinking about anything but finding Lenny he knew it was more than that. He was in love with his best friend. Maybe he had been from the very beginning, when they'd put on those stupid wigs and snuck into the girls' locker room. Or maybe he'd fallen when Lenny beat up those kids defending his honor; in the end it didn't matter, because the feelings were real and they wouldn't go away no matter how hard he wished they would.
He tried not to wonder what had happened to Lenny during his year away, tried even harder not to think of all the things that must have happened to him to make him desperate enough to show up at that school looking to kill Spence in the first place. Only he'd been looking to kill Greg Sherman, and Greg didn't exist anymore. To everyone else he was Phillip Tyler now, and the only person who really knew him was the boy moaning softly in his living room.
It happened most nights; the first time Spence had blushed hot and dark, holding his breath for fear that Lenny would hear him breathing from two rooms away and know he was listening. He laid awake the rest of the night, hard and terrified to do anything about it in case Lenny was still awake. But the second night it happened again, and he couldn't help himself, not when Lenny was so close. He'd crept out into the living room, his dick already half-hard just from the sound of Lenny's low moans.
Only when he peeked over the edge of the couch Lenny wasn't touching himself; he wasn't even awake, and from the look on his face it was obvious he was having a nightmare. Spence had forced himself to go back to bed, caught between wanting to wake Lenny and fear of what would happen if he did. Since then he'd been getting even less sleep than usual, and it was just making it harder for him to deal with the tension between them.
He knew if he didn't do something he wasn't going to get any sleep tonight, but there was a part of him that was terrified that the nightmares were about Lenny's year in juvenile detention. Spence hadn't asked much about it because he wasn't sure he wanted to know, and even if he did want to know he wasn't sure Lenny would tell him. Still, they couldn't go on like this forever, and if Lenny couldn't talk to him about it then who could he talk to?
Spence took a deep breath and kicked off the covers, creeping out into the living room to peer down at his roommate. Lenny looked older with his hair short, and Spence had to resist the urge to reach down and run his hand through the other boy's hair. He wanted to stroke Lenny's cheek, soothe away the deep lines of tension in his forehead, but he knew he didn't have the right.
In the end he settled for reaching out and tentatively shaking Lenny's shoulder, trying hard not to focus on the warmth of the skin under his fingers. "Dalton. Lenny, wake up."
Lenny woke with a start, his hand closing around Spence's in a too-tight grip as he sat up straight and blinked against the sudden change in light. "Dalton, it's okay, it's just me," Spence said, tugging at the hand still gripped too hard in Lenny's fingers.
It took Lenny a few seconds to focus on him, but when he finally recognized Spence some of the tension eased out of his shoulders and he relaxed his grip enough for Spence to pull his hand away. Spence swallowed a relieved sigh and sat down on the edge of the couch, careful not to touch as he watched the other boy struggle to catch his breath. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Lenny answered, although he didn't sound all that sure. "What's going on?"
"You were having some kind of dream," Spence answered, suddenly feeling a little foolish for worrying so much about a few nightmares. "It sounded pretty bad tonight."
"Tonight?"
As soon as he realized what he'd said Spence blushed, thankful it was dark in the living room so Lenny wouldn't see. "Yeah, you have them a lot. Didn't you know?"
"No. I never remember my dreams."
Spence couldn't tell whether or not Lenny was telling the truth, but he couldn't help being a little grateful that he wasn't going to have to hear an account of some terrible thing that had happened to Lenny before they met. Or worse, something that had happened to him during the last year, because that would mean it was Spence's fault for getting Lenny sent there in the first place.
He knew what Lenny would say if he heard Spence say that; he'd tell him it wasn't his fault, that he was being stupid and Lenny was the one who'd landed himself in trouble. Spence couldn't buy that, though, because if he hadn't lived the night his parents died Lenny would never have been at that school with a gun in his hand, trying to talk himself into shooting his best friend. He didn't have any right to ask Lenny to come here, not after the mess he'd made of Lenny's life. And he didn't have any right to want to keep him here if Lenny wanted to go, no matter how much he wanted to.
The only problem was that he couldn't find a way to say all that, not without making Lenny think Spence wanted him to leave. And that was the last thing he wanted, no matter how selfish it was. "Listen, are you okay?" he asked, venturing a quick glance down at Lenny's chest to make sure the other boy was breathing normally again.
"Yeah," Lenny answered, "yeah, I'm fine."
Spence nodded and started to stand up, but as soon as he did a hand closed around his wrist and pulled him back down. "Sorry I woke you, man."
"I wasn't asleep," Spence answered before he could stop himself, blushing even harder when he realized he'd just admitted to lying in his room listening to Lenny sleep. It was bad enough he'd practically begged the other boy not to go back to Chicago, but now he could add stalking to his list of faults. At this rate he'd wake up one morning and Lenny would be gone without a word, back to Chicago or maybe somewhere Spence would never be able to find him. "I mean I couldn't…I don't sleep that well since…you know."
And just the pressure of Lenny's fingers on his wrist was making him hard again, which made him a stalker and a total pervert. He knew he needed to get out of there, to escape back to his own room before he did something he couldn't take back. It was way too tempting, sitting so close to Lenny in the dark, Lenny's skin warm against his own and the blanket slipping low enough to reveal the elastic at the top of his underwear. He stood up abruptly, hoping to God Lenny didn't notice why he was in such a hurry to get away. "I'll let you get back to sleep," he muttered, feeling like the world's biggest idiot as he crossed the living room and made it to the relative safety of his bedroom.
He made it as far as the bed before he heard movement behind him, and when he looked up he found Lenny standing in the doorway, his arms crossed over his bare chest. "You really haven't been sleeping since then?"
"Not since…I meant since my parents got killed," Spence answered, wishing fervently that he could take back that admission so that Lenny would go back to the couch and he could die quietly of embarrassment in his own room.
"Jesus, Spence," Lenny said, crossing the room to sit down on the bed next to the other boy. And now Spence really was going to die, because Lenny's shoulder was pressed against his and if Spence leaned forward just a little and turned his head just right…he felt his skin heat up again and his fingers clenched around the sheets underneath him. "No wonder you're wound so tight all the time."
Automatically Spence tensed up, and when he heard Lenny's soft laugh he knew the other boy had noticed as well. "You gotta relax, man. You're gonna give yourself a stroke."
"Easy for you to say," Spence muttered, although he knew it wasn't true. The nightmares Lenny had almost nightly were a pretty clear indication of that. Still, it felt kind of good to be able to sit here in the dark with Lenny, knowing that they were both sort of going through the same thing even if they didn't talk about it. "You really don't remember what your nightmares are about?"
"No. Swear to God," Lenny added when Spence glanced over at him. He let out a shaky laugh at Lenny's mock-earnest expression, tightening his grip on the sheets even harder to keep from leaning in and kissing the other boy. He wasn't sure how long they sat there like that, grinning in the dark at each other, but when the silence stretched out a little too long Lenny cleared his throat and Spence flushed and looked away.
"You remember what you said about Paul?"
All the tension came rushing back at the mention of his ex-roommate; this was it, Lenny was going to ask him point-blank if he was a fag and Spence was going to have to tell him the truth. He'd said himself that he could tell when a guy was hitting on him, and Spence didn't know enough about hitting on guys to tell whether or not he'd been doing it. He shifted uncomfortably on the mattress, trying to put some space between them without making it obvious. "What about it?"
"What'd you tell him? When he told you."
"I told him it didn't matter to me, and he should just be himself." Spence's pulse was racing, but he wasn't going to let Lenny see how scared he was. If he could just stay calm he could get through this, and then…well, if Lenny was gone when he woke up in the morning at least he'd know.
"So did he ever…I mean he hit on me, seems like you'd be the next obvious choice."
Lenny laughed a little nervously, like he was trying to play it off like it was a joke. Spence could tell the question was serious, though, and he had to look down at his knees while he answered. "After the whole thing with Camille I kind of wondered, you know? So he offered to help me figure it out."
"So did you?"
"Jesus, Dalton, I just said…" He was blushing hard now, heat radiating off him in waves he was sure Lenny could feel. But he'd been practicing all the stuff Lenny had taught him, and he was pretty sure it would be at least close to a fair fight if Lenny wanted to kick his ass for being gay.
"I know what you said," Lenny said in a voice that was way too calm. "What I'm asking is if you figured it out."
And okay, he was pretty sure his blush was going to be permanent, because he couldn't imagine anything more embarrassing than Lenny asking him about his sex life. Not that he had one to talk about; a few bad kisses with Camille and then some groping with Paul didn't really count as an actual 'sex life', at least not to somebody like Lenny. But Lenny didn't seem all that freaked out - or even all that surprised, really - about any of it, so maybe he wasn't planning to kill Spence after all.
"Yeah," Spence heard himself answer, his voice breathy and too soft even in the late night silence, but somehow Lenny heard it anyway, or else he just didn't care what the answer was. Either way he nodded and leaned a little closer, and Spence braced himself out of habit more than fear.
And Lenny's mouth was even softer than his hands, hands that gripped Spence's shoulders just this side of too hard and pulled him closer, one hand sliding into his hair to angle his head just so. He had a feeling he wasn't much of a kisser, but Lenny sure as hell was, and Spence was more than happy to follow the other boy's lead for once.
Spence tried hard not to wonder who else Lenny had done this with and whether they'd been any good at it. He knew there had been at least a few girls, but he wondered if there were other guys before him. A year ago he would have said no way, that Lenny would kill the first guy who so much as looked at him wrong, but his hands sure seemed to know what they were doing, and when Spence gasped against his mouth Lenny's tongue slid inside like he'd just been waiting for an invitation.
He wasn't exactly sure how he ended up on his back with Lenny draped on top of him; from the time Lenny's mouth first pressed against his to the moment he felt his boxers inching down his hips Spence's world was a blur. Lenny's hands were everywhere, mapping every inch of his skin with a possessiveness that made Spence's whole body shudder. And he knew he should be doing something, but even if he wasn't pinned beneath the other boy he hadn't really done this enough to know what to do.
"God, Lenny," he murmured when Lenny's mouth left his to trail down his neck. He gasped and arched up when Lenny bit down on his skin, squeezing his eyes shut and thrusting frantically against the other boy. Lenny's mouth worked relentlessly on his skin, the suction driving Spence almost crazy by the time he was finally satisfied that the mark would last. When he was done Lenny pulled back and looked down at him, and if it hadn't been so dark in the room Spence would have thought he was inspecting his work.
"Tell me what you did with him," Lenny said, his voice low and rough and God, Spence was going to come just from the sound alone.
"W-who?" he asked, frowning up at the other boy as Lenny's hand gripped his hip to stop him from moving.
"Who do you think? Your little fuckbuddy Paul. Did he let you fuck him?"
"Jesus…no," Spence answered, shaking his head and struggling against Lenny's grip. He'd known it was a bad idea to mention Paul, but the look in Lenny's eyes was a lot more fierce than Spence had expected. "I told you, it was just a little kissing. Lenny, please…"
Lenny shifted on top of him, evoking a sharp gasp from high in Spence's throat as he brushed their cocks together. "Come on, Spence. You're telling me he never even touched you?" A hand dipped between them, the heel of Lenny's hand pressing against his erection. "Like this, maybe?"
"No," Spence lied, thrusting up automatically into Lenny's hand. "Jesus Christ, Dalton. Do you wanna call him and ask him yourself?"
He had to work hard not to let out a relieved sigh when Lenny's expression faltered, and a second later his free hand was buried in Spence's hair again and he was murmuring something against the other boy's mouth. Spence had a feeling the word he couldn't bring himself to say out loud was 'sorry', but at the moment he didn't really care. All he cared about was the fact that Lenny had him pinned to the bed just like in every one of his fantasies, and he still hadn't come.
And he'd have to remember to send Paul an e-mail or something, because he had a feeling Lenny wasn't just going to let this thing go. He couldn't worry about it now, though, not while Lenny's mouth was still moving against his and his hands were working Spence's boxers down again. He lifted his hips to help Lenny get them off, then he watched as Lenny yanked his briefs down and planted a knee on either side of him.
Paul had touched him a couple times, but it had never been like this. Spence knew it was just because he'd been thinking about this for so long, wanting it and believing he could never have it. But now Lenny was here and alive and when he wrapped his hand around both their cocks and pressed their lips together again Spence groaned low in his throat and came.
It would have been embarrassing if Lenny wasn't supposed to think he was completely inexperienced, but in a way it worked in his favor. He didn't even mind Lenny's breathless laugh against Spence's mouth, and when Lenny came a few seconds later and collapsed on top of him Spence reached up and wrapped one arm around the other boy's back. He had a feeling he wasn't going to get that many chances just to hold Lenny, so he focused as hard as he could to memorize everything about the way Lenny felt against him.
Too soon the other boy groaned and rolled off him, and Spence pushed himself up on one elbow to trace the scar on Lenny's shoulder. "Does it still hurt?"
"Nah," Lenny answered, shrugging his left shoulder absently under Spence's touch. "Sometimes it gets sore when it rains."
Spence laughed softly, shaking his head when Lenny opened one eye to glare suspiciously at him. "Wow, they put us in the wrong place," he said, and when Lenny grinned at him Spence felt everything shift back into place again.
"They didn't put me here, remember?" He didn't wait for an answer before he reached up and pulled Spence back down onto the mattress, his hand lingering on Spence's chest for a second before he pulled it away. "You think you can sleep now?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Good." Lenny closed his eyes again and let Spence pull the sheet over both of them, and when Spence laid down next to him again Lenny shifted just a little closer. And he wasn't sure if he'd actually be able to sleep tonight, but even if he couldn't at least when Lenny woke up he'd be there.