FIC - There's A Calm Surrender (2/5) -- Nuke BigBang 2012
Title: There's a Calm Surrender
Author: carolinablu85
Artist: frances_veritas ( HERE OMG)
Rating: NC17
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
Pairing: Luke/Noah
Warnings: Characters deaths, Deviation from canon (story starts with canon from summer 2009), Angst, Multiple Flashbacks
Summary: When his dad is killed and he thinks it’s his fault, Luke runs away from his home and his family- and Noah. Years later, he reappears in a very changed Oakdale to right the wrongs he left behind.
PROLOGUE | ONE | TWO | THREE | FOUR | FIVE | EPILOGUE
Luke endured a marathon of hugs and tears from Alison when Casey ushered him into their apartment. It took a few more minutes to get her up to speed on it all, and by the time they were sitting down, relatively calm, Luke realized he’d been in Oakdale for four hours without wanting to run back out of town. That was pretty impressive.
He sat on the couch with Ali, looking at pictures of Gwen and Will and Hallie, not really paying attention to Casey who paced in the kitchen with his phone. “She’s beautiful,” he murmured, tracing a photo of the happy family.
“Yeah, she is,” Ali sighed happily.
Luke looked up at her searchingly. “You and Casey, are you two...?”
She laughed. “Oh God, not anytime soon. I’m just now finally used to living with him. What if I ended up having a boy and there were two Caseys running around? I’m not ready for that.”
He grinned and half-shuddered at the thought. “But a little Alison running around might be nice,” he pointed out.
Ali stared for a second, then smiled and shook her head. “Noah said the same thing,” she said softly.
His breath stuttered, but he was pretty sure he covered it well. “I bet he did.” He cleared his throat, looked away, looked back again. “Casey won’t let me, but I want to thank you both for, I don’t know, being there for him.”
She nodded, still smiling. “He’s our friend,” was her answer. Then she sat forward, tossing the pictures onto the coffee table, and wrapped an arm around him, hugging again. “And you are too. I’m so glad you’re here, Luke. I missed you. Lots.”
He hugged her back, closing his eyes and breathing deep. “I missed you too.”
She pulled back a little, wiping her eyes. “With everything we heard after your accident, all the weird stuff, I just-”
“What weird stuff?” Luke’s eyes narrowed.
“Oh, um,” she fumbled for a second, wincing, then deflated. “It happened in Kentucky, so their police department investigated, but Margo looked into it, as a favor to Jack. And my sister did too, just because.” Of course. Emily always loved a good story.
“And?” he pressed.
“Margo and Emily found some suspicious, um, things about the accident. Something with the car, and something about the way the police handled it there, I don’t know specifics,” she shrugged apologetically. “They both tried to look into it, but never got anywhere. And then Margo...” she waved her hand. “I guess you know.”
“Yeah,” he murmured, thinking of the empty, unfamiliar police station.
Alison eyed him carefully. “Do you, uh, do you remember anything? About the accident?”
Luke was about to shake his head instinctively, he’d blocked those memories for three years, but there was a sudden flash of something, an image, a noise, something. The truck jerked abruptly under them, startling them both. He blinked hard and flinched, shaking a little.
“Luke?” Ali’s hand was on his shoulder, steadying and concerned.
“Something happened,” he said numbly. “With the truck. I think. Does that- did they think it wasn’t an accident?” he demanded.
“I don’t know, Luke. No one does, that’s the thing,” Ali looked up, almost guiltily, when Casey entered the room, eyeing them both.
“You told him?” he asked, not quite demanding or angry, but definitely not happy. She just nodded.
“Somebody caused the accident?” he asked both of them now.
Casey sighed, twisting his phone between his fingers. “No one knows, dude. All the people who wanted to investigate it were out of a job before they could do anything. My mom included.” He waved his phone. “Hope you don’t mind, but I told them- my parents- that you’re here. Whether you stay in town or you don’t, there’s legal stuff that has to be taken care of. They can help.”
“Whether you stay in town or not?” Ali repeated. “Why would you leave? You’re home, aren’t you?” Her grip on his shoulder tightened, as though needing to keep him in place.
He shrugged his other shoulder. “I don’t know. Yeah, I want to... Is there any way I can look at reports or something from the accident? Maybe it’ll help jog my memories?” Wait, why was he doing this? Why was he pushing this? Why was he trying?
“There’s probably final reports in your medical files at the hospital,” Ali said slowly, uncertainly. “But Luke-”
“Will you guys help me?” he tried to hold back from pleading, but it was a near thing. “I need to do this.” Something started stirring in him, something almost forgotten. Determination. Too much curiosity.
Ali still hesitated. “Does Noah know you’re here?”
“He knows I’m alive,” Luke hedged, heart thudding in his chest again. Noah. “Will you guys help me?”
Casey looked over to Ali. She looked back at him, stammering. “I don’t know. It... this feels like going behind Noah’s back. He should be a part of this. Or at least know about it.” Casey smiled sweetly at her, relieved, obviously agreeing.
Luke sat back, studying them both. He chuckled somewhat. “There was a time when you would’ve chosen me over Noah,” he said before he could stop himself.
Casey closed his eyes with a half-laugh of his own. And Ali, Ali started glaring. “This isn’t about that, Luke. But if it was, I’d like to remind you that you’ve been gone for three years.”
“I didn’t mean-”
“And in those three years, you could’ve called or written or done any kind of thing to tell us you were alive,” she barreled on. “We’re not choosing anyone over anyone. We love you. But three years ago and every day since? You didn’t choose us.”
Luke winced. That was really, painfully, true. “I’m sorry,” he offered, wishing there were better words in the English language for situations like this.
Ali sighed, her hand back to his shoulder. “I know. Me too.”
He glanced over at her hopefully. “So, you’ll help?”
Ali looked to Casey, to Luke, back to Casey, back to Luke. Casey shrugged, coming to sit next to her. And then, finally, Casey spoke up. “Yeah. We will. If it helps finally make all of this right again, we’ll help.”
Ali took Casey’s hand in hers, nodding. “First stop is probably the hospital. We can find the medical records there, if we sneak in and don’t get caught.” She shook her head, muttering, “Feels like we’re back in college again.”
“Hey!” both Luke and Casey protested indignantly.
Ali just smiled, leaned over and kissed Luke’s cheek. “Welcome home, Luke.”
He didn’t have the heart to argue. But he wasn’t home, not really, not yet. Maybe not ever.
***
Noah straightened his tie unconsciously as he opened the door to Damian’s office. It was his last and only bit of armor. He bought his own ties. His suits, his shoes, eighty percent of his work clothes- they were Grimaldi money. Eighty percent of his life was Grimaldi money. But the ties were his.
He knocked lightly on the door as it opened. “Good morning.”
Damian looked up from a desk that seemed way too big and grandiose for how much Damian probably used it. “Noah. Good morning, son.”
Noah didn’t grimace at that anymore. He wasn’t even sure when he stopped. “I, um, I have the contracts from the Nashville trip signed and ready for processing.”
He didn’t even realized his slip until Damian looked up from his paperwork, an eyebrow raised. “Everything okay, Noah?”
Shit. He hadn’t stuttered like that in years. Damian had coached the ‘ums’ out of him when he started working for him, he didn’t show weaknesses like that anymore. And why was he doing it now? Luke Luke Luke. “Fine. It’s just been a long week. I’ll be rested up and better by Monday.”
“I have absolute faith that you will be,” Damian smiled slightly, focus already going back to his paperwork. Noah hated himself for just a second, for that sliver of satisfaction he felt at having Damian’s approval.
Noah waited silently in front of him as he finished up, knowing Damian wouldn’t speak to him again until after he was done. Damian never said anything, but Noah knew this kind of self control had always impressed him. He snapped back to attention when Damian set aside the stack of forms, focusing on him instead.
“Well,” Damian nodded. “It’s nearing the end of the month.” He gestured for Noah to take a seat in front of him. Noah did so slowly, gathering himself for the conversation they were about to have, the same one they had at the end of every month. Damian continued, “Rent and utilities are paid for. As are the maintenance on the car and the latest payment of your medical bills.”
Noah just nodded in return, knowing better than to protest or comment in any way. He couldn’t handle paying for any of those things on his own, even if he was paid like the other Grimaldi employees. He needed Damian’s help to manage his life right now.
It wouldn’t be forever. Noah promised himself this every month. Someday, he’d be able to take care of everything himself.
“Now, for the rest of it,” Damian settled even more into his giant leather chair. Noah was half-convinced Damian had gotten the thing because it reminded him of every villain in every James Bond film, but he never said this out loud. “I’m stopping by City Hall today, so everything will be in order for that as well.”
Noah nodded. “And...” he almost stuttered again. No way could he do that twice in front of Damian, in the same meeting. No way. He cleared his throat to cover for it. “The other thing?”
Damian smiled that reassuring smile, the placating one, the one he used all the time for Noah and Lily. Like they needed special treatment or something. “You have nothing to worry about.”
He reacted just a little, sagging down in his seat in relief. Good. Okay. Noah could make it another month, with that guarantee. Another month of safety. And it was all thanks to Damian. Noah had to believe that some part of him was a good man for doing all of this for Noah, for Lily, for all of them. He had to believe it.
Otherwise...
Noah shook himself internally, nodding to Damian once more. “Good. Thank you. Really,” he added, meaning it. Hoping Damian knew he meant it.
Damian smiled again, understanding. “Before you go, I wanted to say, I know you were traveling back home on the day of the anniversary. I’m sorry you couldn’t be here with the family for it.”
Like Lily would have let him be with the family that day anyway. Still, Noah appreciated the sentiment, useless as it was. He allowed himself to smile a little too. “I know. It’s okay.”
“You haven’t said anything about your trip beyond how the meeting went,” Damian commented, studying him in a different way now. “Anything to report?”
Noah almost hesitated again, confused. Was he supposed to have done something else? “No sir.” Hell, it wasn’t like he wasn’t going to tell Damian about running into his legally declared dead son. The former love of Noah’s life. The current.... Noah had no idea. But he knew he couldn’t tell Damian. Damian would either think he was crazy or... or stop helping Noah with his life. Everything Damian was doing openly or behind the scenes- Noah couldn’t risk those things.
Damian looked like he wanted to say something else, maybe question him again, but stopped. He smiled instead. “Very well then. I think we’re all done here, I’ll see you after lunch for the staff meeting.”
“Not today,” Noah corrected slowly. “It’s the twenty-ninth, I have-”
“Your checkup, of course. I forgot,” Damian was back in work mode, waving Noah towards the door. “Good luck. Let me know if you need anything.”
Noah was out the door before he could answer that. It was unnecessary, anyway. He didn’t have to let Damian know anything, somehow he’d already know. It’d be creepy if Noah wasn’t used to it. Now, it was just his life.
***
Ali felt a little ridiculous sneaking Luke into the hospital. She hadn’t done something this stupid in years, having to look both ways before turning every corner, checking over her shoulder to make sure a) Luke was still with her and b) no one recognized him.
God, Noah was going to kill her. Or worse, give her that ‘I’m so disappointed, why would you hurt me’ puppy dog face. Puppies were not supposed to be judgmental, she wanted to point out. The only reason she didn’t call him out on it was because she was pretty sure Noah still wasn’t doing the puppy look on purpose. Damn him and his stupid adorableness. She hated not telling him about this. How was he going to feel about Luke actually being alive, back home, everything?
“Records are around the next corner,” she told Luke quietly, trying not to arouse any suspicion. It would be just their luck for Chris or Bob to walk past them, or her mom, or, even worse-
“Ms. Stewart-Hughes.”
Reid.
Damn it.
She plastered on a smile, trying to stand as much in front of Luke as she could. “Dr. Oliver, hi.”
Reid studied her with his practiced stare. Unlike with Noah, Ali was sure Reid knew exactly what he was doing when he used that expression. “I wasn’t aware you were on shift today.”
She grinned cheerfully, knowing anything cheerful annoyed him to no end. “I wasn’t aware you knew my schedule so well!”
He scowled, just a little. “I like to know which incompetent nurses I’ll be dealing with on any given day.”
Ali rolled her eyes, knowing by this point that he was (mostly) all bark and no bite. “I’m just here to pick up my check,” she explained, quickly adding as Reid’s gaze shifted to the person behind her, “And helping this poor guy find his way to radiology. So if you’ll excuse me...” She started to lead Luke away.
“Is your friend going to show up for his appointment today?” Reid called out before they were out of sight around the corner.
“Shouldn’t you know that? He’s your boyfriend,” she fired back.
“Oh yeah,” he said blandly. “I keep forgetting.”
Another eye roll as they finally got away. “Don’t ask,” she told Luke.
He did anyway. “Who the hell was that?”
“Dr. Reid Oliver,” she answered, not wanting to say much more. Especially not to Luke. “Don’t worry, he doesn’t grow on you.”
“Charming,” Luke snorted.
Ali swallowed back a sigh. If only Luke knew...
***
The espresso was waiting for him when he got to the exam room. So was the patient. “You’re early.”
“You say that every time, like it’s ever going to be different,” Noah was already perched on the hospital bed, outer layers shed until he was just in a short sleeve undershirt and his suit pants.
Reid would never admit he liked it better when Noah used to wear jeans and a t-shirt. Just like he’d never admit that he knew Noah liked it better too. Those were things they didn’t do.
“One day, Mayer. One of these days. You will be late, and I will gloat.” He pulled his stethoscope free from his neck.
“You gloat enough already,” Noah pulled the neckline of his shirt down for better access.
They went through their normal check-up routines, and Reid didn’t speak again until he was tracking Noah’s field of vision, moving one finger up and down, back and forth. “So, Saturday night.”
“Yeah?” Noah always concentrated so hard on these tests. It was stupidly endearing.
“I can come by with food and beer,” he suggested. “I’m willing to put up with some stupid artsy movie if it means I can choose the pizza toppings.”
Noah frowned. “I thought you had a date with that Danny guy.”
Reid grimaced. “No. We broke up on Monday.”
“Why?”
“Because I like to start my week off right.”
“No, why did you break up?” Noah eased back, blinking hard against Reid’s penlight.
Reid clicked it off, sliding it back in his pocket. “He was annoying. Too cheerful. And what thirty-six year old still calls himself Danny? You’re an adult. Dan or Daniel. Pick one.”
Noah laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah, that really sounds like an adult justification for breaking up with someone.”
He smirked. “You want an adult reason? The sex was really bad too. He had this move where he-”
He still got way too much pleasure out of making Noah blush. “Please stop.”
He patted Noah’s shoulder. “So. Saturday.”
Noah shrugged. “Sure.” He started to button his dress shirt back up, the sign that (even though it was almost five o’clock), Noah was heading back to the office. “You know, one of these days people are going to figure out that we’re not dating.”
Reid was too busy making a note on Noah’s chart to shrug back. “So? They haven’t yet. It works for us.”
And it really did. People maybe didn’t understand or condone it (at least in Noah’s camp), but as long as people thought they were together, nobody bothered them. Emma Snyder and Alison and whoever else didn’t worry about Noah being too alone (Reid maybe did that for them, sometimes, maybe), and Katie didn’t try to set Reid up with every gay or seemingly gay man in the state of Illinois. (Jesus, that ‘seemingly gay’ one had been awkward.) Win-win.
Plus, Reid gained a fairly quiet and fairly intelligent person to eat pizza with once a week. He wouldn’t call Noah a ‘friend’ exactly, mostly because that word made him break out into hives, but they had a good, harmless, not-annoying thing between them. Seriously. The quiet was nice. His other... tolerable acquaintances in this town were not quiet. That was all Reid could ask for.
Which is why he didn’t really want to ruin it. Which is why he didn’t really want to say what he was about to say. “By the way, is Alison cheating on Casey Hughes?”
Noah choked on the sip of coffee he had just been taking (Reid timed these things so well). “What? No! Why?”
He shrugged, pretending there was more to fill out on Noah’s chart. “I just saw her here earlier with another guy. Your age, kinda blond but not. Too pretty looking for my tastes, but maybe not for hers.”
He sensed Noah stutter a little, starting to wonder. Good, Noah. Think. There was no way he was actually going to be the one to tell Noah that the formerly deceased love of his life was back- that was so not his forte- but he did want to prepare Noah a little, if he could. “Ali wouldn’t cheat,” is all Noah said.
“I hope not,” Reid said blandly. “Because the guy was definitely gay. So the affair probably wouldn’t work out in the long run.”
Noah’s hands stopped re-tying his tie for a second. “He was gay? You’re sure?”
There it is. “My gaydar is never wrong, Mayer.” Unlike Katie’s.
He watched Noah again out of the corner of his eyes, knowing better than to offer to help him tie that thing. That hadn’t gone over so well the first and only time he’d tried.
Noah was smoothing down the material, straightening his collar. His hands were shaking, which almost caused Reid to make a facial expression. He could count on one hand the number of times he’d seen Noah actually rattled over something. Even when they’d first met, Noah hadn’t been one for outward displays of... anything..
---
Reid is not easily perplexed. Hardly, if ever, does that happen. He really truly does not like the feeling. Which is maybe why he scowls extra hard at this current patient.
Not that the guy can see him, of course.
The (one, only) benefit to being in a small town is hearing every bit of news on every single person. So Reid already knows all about Noah Mayer. Or so he thought until this moment.
Noah isn’t a hot-headed kid. He doesn’t seem angry, or even all that sullen. He’s not whiny, but he’s also not one of those overly-bubbly ‘when life gives you lemons’ types either. (Thank God.) In fact, he’s barely said a word the whole appointment, besides yes or no answers to Reid’s questions.
He should just leave it at that. He really should. He’s finally come across a patient who doesn’t annoy the shit out of him; he should leave it alone. But he can’t help it, he has to poke at the hornet’s nest. Maybe just to see if there is a hornet in there somewhere.
“So you’re the one with the dead boyfriend, right? I have such a hard time remembering which patient is which around here,” is how he starts their first conversation. Noah raises an eyebrow in his general direction, but doesn’t respond otherwise. Reid waits, wondering if the silence will be oppressive enough to crack him. It doesn’t. “Well? Are you mute too?”
“Just waiting for you to do your job,” Noah says calmly. No inflection, no spite or desperation. And Reid starts getting perplexed. Everything he’s read in this file and gathered from Oakdale gossip (God help him)- this kid should be two-thirds into a nervous breakdown by this point.
He’s not intrigued, he’s perplexed. He goes through his normal routines for appointments like this, and Noah complies with every order, every instruction.
“You don’t talk much, do you?” Reid finally asks, a little angry with himself for caving first.
Noah doesn’t even say anything to that for a second, he assumes out of spite, but ultimately sighs. “Why do you want me to?”
“Curiosity,” he says casually. “Entertainment.”
“I’m entertaining?” Noah asks skeptically.
“Well, not right now obviously,” he grouses. “But I thought you’d be more than this,” he unnecessarily waves a hand between them.
“Why?” still no emotion behind it. The guy is a robot. Or a Vulcan. Something.
“Why? Let’s see.” Again (maybe out of his own spite), he holds up his hand for no reason, ticking off his fingers. “You’re Oakdale’s Big Gay Orphan, not technically since Psycho Dad is rotting away in prison, but still.” Another finger. “Your soulmate died in a freak accident and now his mother is shunning you like it’s your fault.” Another. “You were harassed and coerced into sex by your teacher who has mysteriously disappeared.” And another. “You were almost killed and are now blind and probably will never see again, dashing your lifelong dreams.” He focuses on Noah again. “I guess I expected more.”
Noah is biting the inside of his cheek, and Reid wants to smile. Finally, a reaction, a something. Yell at Reid for knowing his personal business, for not knowing the full stories, for mentioning the mythical Luke Snyder in his presence, for-
“Were you counting on your fingers? You know I can’t see that, right?”
Reid absolutely does not stare, just lets himself feel bitter that some twenty year old blind kid has just foiled his plan for entertainment. “Maybe that’s why I did.”
Noah shakes his head. “Are we done? Can you tell me anything about, about my eyes?”
The first time Reid hears any emotion from him, and it’s hope. He grimaces. “If there’s any chance of repairing this, and it’s an immensely large ‘if,’ it won’t be for sometime. Months, if ever.” And that’s only if they’re lucky. There’s a lot of damage in this kid. Not an easy fix.
And Reid is reminded of how much he hates metaphors as Noah’s face falls, then quickly goes back to that stoic expression. Damage. Right.
“Okay,” Noah finally says. “Thanks. Until next week, then. I guess.” His hand starts to reach for his cane, about ten inches off course. Instead of getting the cane for him, Reid touches Noah’s wrist, guiding it in the right direction, ignoring Noah’s slight flinch at being touched. He’s pretty sure Noah doesn’t want things handed to him- literally, figuratively, or-
He really fucking hates metaphors.
He leads Noah out of the exam room and catches the slightly inquisitive look on his patient’s face. “What now?” he asks.
Noah just shakes his head again. “You’re the only other person who seems to think Mason mysteriously disappeared,” is all he says before turning away, walking towards two people waiting at the end of the hall.
Reid is surprised and puzzled. He hadn’t realized Noah was the only other one who thought there was something fishy about the teacher leaving town. Very interesting. Perplexing, even.
He recognizes one of the two people waiting for Noah as Damian Grimaldi. The guy who bribed and blackmailed him into this case. He remembers the guy from a year or two earlier, when Reid had been overseas for a rotation in England. Grimaldi had been scouring the hemisphere for a neurosurgeon to deal with some guy with a microchip in his brain. Thank God Reid had been away. Microchips? Boring.
He stays mostly out of sight, watching. Noah smiles at Grimaldi, and it’s a weird thing- empty and blank, polite. Definitely fake. And then Noah turns to the other person, a little boy, maybe three or four years old. Noah reaches out and picks the boy up, listening as the boy chatters on happily.
And there it is. What Noah’s real smile looks like. Very, very different from any expression he usually has, Reid can tell.
Okay. Reid admits it. He’s intrigued.
---
And he was intrigued now, too. Mostly for Noah’s reaction, what he’d do when it finally sunk in that The Luke Snyder was back. And he wondered what Luke would do about Noah, if anything.
No. Luke better do something, he reasoned as Noah waved goodbye and walked out, his hands no longer shaking. He better do something.
God, Reid hated caring about people.
***
Noah heard their voices before he saw them. He waited outside the nurse’s locker room, grateful for the extra few seconds to steady himself. Luke’s voice. Noah had to remind himself he wasn’t imagining it, it was real. It was Luke.
And Luke was in Oakdale. Alive.
Why? Had he changed his mind because of their fight, because of Noah? Was he back for good? Did Damian and Lily know? Did they know Noah had kept the secret of seeing Luke in Kentucky? Did Luke want-
The door opened and Luke and Ali were walking out, a bag of... folders? documents? in Luke’s hand. Noah found himself staring at the bag first, so by the time he dragged his eyes upward Luke was staring back at him in shock.
“Noah. Noah, I-” Ali sounded so wary and gentle, he just shook his head. Not now. He couldn’t right now. Ali nodded, getting it, taking the bag from a still silent Luke. “I’ll take these back to our place,” she said softly. “For later.”
And almost magically, they were alone in the hallway. Luke ticked his eyes to the side to watch Ali go, then back to Noah. “Um-”
“You’re back?” Noah asked softly. He tried really hard- and succeeded he thought- at keeping the hope out of his question.
Luke hesitated, nodded, shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Why?” Why are you back now? Why are you here? Why did you stay away? Why don’t you know?
He shrugged again. “I need to find out what happened to my dad.”
Oh.
Well, Noah was pretty stupid, wasn’t he? Luke wasn’t back because of him, or for him. “That... that’s it?”
Luke scuffed his foot along the floor, biting his lip. “I don’t... I don’t know, Noah. I just got here.”
“And came to the hospital first,” he pointed out. “Why?”
“Ali was helping me look for records about the accident-”
And Noah had to turn away for a second, smoothing down his tie. “Have you even gone to see your family yet? Do they know you’re alive?”
That hesitant expression, one he’d always found so adorable in the past, almost made him flinch now. “I need to look into this.”
It hadn’t been so long that Noah forgot that tone. With a flash of anger, “Luke, you’re not in- we’re not kids anymore! You’re not a cop!” He kept on before Luke could argue. “Stop. Don’t start digging into things. You can’t just- Think of your family, okay?”
“I am!” he protested. “I-”
“I thought if you came back, it would be for them, for-” for me, he didn’t say. “Not to play investigator like some dumb kid again.” The election, Reg, Damian... Not again.
Luke glared for a second, jaw setting in a hard line, before he took a longer look at Noah. “Did you have a checkup today?” he asked quietly, knowingly.
Noah deflated. “Ali told you?”
“Casey.”
He was going to kill Casey if any other stories got told. “I did, yeah. I’m fine.”
“Whose definition of fine?” Luke half-smiled, and for a second three years vanished. The weight of it was gone.
And then back. Noah couldn’t wipe away the last three years. “When are you going to see your family?”
“You’re okay, really?” Luke persisted.
“Everything checked out fine,” he non-answered. “Luke. The farm. When?”
Luke closed his eyes, giving Noah a second of reprieve before opening them again. “Will you come with me?” His voice was so small.
For a moment Noah felt like the earth was swallowing him whole. He locked his knees, clenched his hands, swallowed hard to keep from letting any pathetic, needy, wounded noise from escaping. To keep from asking for permission to touch him, kiss him, everything. You didn’t come back for me. “I...” Lily was going to be there. Maybe this would help make up for things. He took Luke away from her, he could bring Luke back. Maybe? “Okay.”
***
The farm was maybe the one thing in Oakdale that was exactly the same. It was small comfort for Luke’s nerves, though. The people inside were probably different from what he remembered, and that was partly his fault. Something he couldn’t change or get back.
Like the person walking up the driveway with him.
He kept his thoughts away from the emotional minefield that was Noah right now, and concentrated on the farm again. “So, um, who’s here right now?” He’d already asked this twice, but there were cars parked there he didn’t recognize.
Noah answered again anyway. “Emma, Lily and Damian. The kids. Jack and Carly, Parker, Sage and Lee. Wait, no, Parker’s away at some summer high school program. Just Sage and Lee.”
Lee, short for Bradley, Jack and Carly’s two year old. Named for Brad. Who was dead. Who left behind a son Jacob (now almost three) with Katie. Who was married to Chris Hughes now.
Jesus, Luke was tired already.
“Okay,” he squared his shoulders, stepping onto the porch, unconsciously breathing in deep, inhaling the smells that, he had to admit, were still so comforting and welcome.
“Do you want me to go in first?” Noah asked quietly.
He shouldn’t ask that of Noah, he really shouldn’t, but he nodded, deep breaths in and out.
Noah didn’t look like he was fairing that much better, but he nodded back, walking into the kitchen and leaving Luke on the porch.
“Noah!” he heard Emma, Jack, and who had to be Ethan call out, happy and surprised.
“What are you doing here?” Luke frowned, thrown by the cold tone of his mother’s voice. What the hell was that about?
“I... something’s happened. I have- there’s someone here to see you.” Luke couldn’t help but smile a little bit. Noah obviously had no idea how to break the news, not that Luke would’ve known either.
“Who?” Faith or maybe Natalie, or Sage (he couldn’t tell them apart anymore?) asked excitedly.
The door opened again, and there was Noah, gesturing for Luke to come inside. Without thinking, Luke looked into his eyes, gathering strength and reassurance. Then Noah blinked hard, faltering just for a second against the door, and Luke remembered they weren’t like that anymore. He swallowed and stepped into the kitchen.
The dead silence in the wake of his entrance didn’t actually last as long as he thought it would. Maybe a few seconds, and then Carly gasped and Natalie shouted his name, throwing herself from her chair towards him. He took the distraction happily, lifting her up into the biggest hug he’d given (or received) in years. Closing his eyes, nose buried in her hair, he felt everyone else standing from the table, coming close, speaking at once.
When he opened his eyes, there they were. Emma and Jack crowded in, shocked, asking a thousand questions, Carly and her kids behind Jack. Faith was right there, pulling Natalie away, looking somewhere between wanting to hug Luke and wanting to hit him. Ethan was standing next to Noah, wary, maybe a little confused. Noah must’ve thought he was too, his hand going gently to Ethan’s shoulder.
And there was Damian next to Noah, looking at Luke in wonder, in relief, in... something else? Something Luke couldn’t figure out? Lily, though- Lily was standing in the back, staring, not moving. Wait, she was moving. Backwards.
“Mom?” he said it quietly, uncertainly.
“L-Luke?” she whispered it, still backing away. Suddenly looking so frail.
“Mom, I-” He took a step forward, and it was the wrong thing to do. She shrank back, into the doorway. “I’m-”
She shook her head frantically for a second, and was suddenly gone. No noise, no words, nothing. Luke took a step to follow her, but Damian was suddenly there, hand on his shoulder. “I’ll go get her, Luke. She’s probably just overwhelmed.” His voice softened. “We all are.”
Luke looked up at his biological father and couldn’t help but offer a smile at the real emotion he saw on Damian’s face. “I’ll wait here,” he nodded, already letting himself be pulled into Emma’s arms.
Damian smiled too, a genuine one. He reached out past Emma, his hand landing on Luke’s head, resting in his hair for a moment. “It’s... it’s good to see you, son.”
“You too,” Luke murmured, and meant it. Damian blinked quickly a few times, nodded, and headed out after Lily. Luke focused back on his grandmother, hugging her tighter. “Hi,” he whispered.
“Oh, honey, I...” she laid her forehead down against his shoulder, shaking just a little.
“I’m here,” he reassured as best he could. “I’m okay.” Well, maybe lying a little bit. A little.
She pulled back, holding his face with both hands, kissing his forehead. “I’m glad, honey. I’m so glad.”
She stepped back, and Jack immediately took her place, pulling Luke into a slightly less suffocating hug. “Holden?” he whispered softly, for only Luke to hear. Luke shook his head the slightest bit, just enough for Jack to understand. He swallowed hard when he pulled away, expecting some sort of recrimination or something on Jack’s face. But there was none. Jack just smiled at him, sad but happy. How could he be so happy?
Ethan was next, getting a little push from Noah. Luke knelt down, smiling, for some reason more nervous than he was with the others. Ethan was almost seven now. Luke had been gone for almost- Jesus- almost half of his life. “Hey, Ethan.”
“You didn’t die, Luke?” he asked, solemn, confused, head cocking to the side a little.
Luke shook his head, swallowing hard. “No, buddy. Almost, and I had to take some time to get better, but- but I’m better now.” He saw Noah’s mouth tighten at that, but luckily nobody else did.
Ethan just nodded, accepting. It was easiest with kids sometimes, wasn’t it? “We’re brothers again?”
Luke managed to keep his smile. He definitely didn’t look at Noah now. “Of course. Always were, always will be.”
Ethan hugged him now, a happy, carefree as only a little kid can be, hug. “Can Noah still be my brother too?” he asked.
It was asked quietly, and Luke definitely definitely didn’t look up now. Not at Noah, not to see if anyone else overheard. “Always,” he whispered. And hoped.
It was a whirlwind for awhile after that; Emma forcing food at him, Jack asking a few more questions, Carly reminding Jack that he wasn’t a cop anymore, the kids somewhere between wanting to hug and play and being painfully unsure. Faith especially. Lily and Damian were still gone.
“That’s it. I’m coming out on the next flight,” Aaron announced.
“Aaron, no, it’s okay,” Luke shifted the phone to his other hand, waving at Ethan as Noah finally ushered the kids outside to play and give the adults (and Luke) some peace and quiet.
“Uh, this is all pretty much the opposite of ‘okay,’ Luke,” Aaron argued, still sounding like he was breathing too hard from the shock of all this.
“It’ll be okay, okay?” Luke tried. He stood at the sink, looking out towards the barn where Nat, Sage, and Ethan were running around, already in the middle of some elaborate made-up game. (Snyder kids were never that great at playing by the rules of conventional games.)
“Will it?” Aaron wasn’t fooled. “Three years is a lot to miss anywhere, man, but three years in that town is like... seven times more.”
“That’s dog years, Aaron.”
“Don’t sass me, Luciano,” Aaron fired back. “You just reappeared from the dead. We grieved. We-” he sighed. “Maybe you coming back will set things right again.”
That storm cloud of pressure was back No. I’m not back. “I don’t know about that.”
There was a pause. “Uh-huh. Sure.” He continued before Luke could argue. “Just... just don’t go away again, okay asshole? We can’t take it.”
The pressure was still there, but Luke was able to push it away. “I’ll try.”
Another pause. “And go make out with that blue eyed dumbass who’s probably trying to hide that he’s as freaked out as you are.”
Luke forced out a laugh, but even he could hear how painfully fake it was. “Thanks, Life Coach.”
“Hey,” Aaron’s voice got quiet, serious. “I love you, all right? No matter what or why. I’m glad to hear your stupid whiny voice again. Whatever reason you stayed away, I don’t care. I just care that you’re back.”
Luke was silent for a moment. He couldn’t get himself to agree, not yet. “Thanks,” he settled for.
“I’m giving you a month or two to get your shit together,” Aaron continued. “I’ll ask off from work. If I get to Oakdale and things aren’t better, I’m so kicking your scrawny ass.”
It went on like that for awhile, his teasing mixed with genuine concern and love (so much like Holden that Luke needed to fight back the urge to cry or hang up), before they finally said their (temporary) goodbyes.
Luke stayed at the sink, breathing slowly, staring out the window. Noah and Faith had joined the other three, sitting on the ground with Lee tottering back and forth between them. They were deep in discussion, and Luke could probably guess what it was about.
“It was hard for them,” Emma was at his elbow suddenly.
Her voice was soft, but Luke still jumped. “Who?”
“Noah and your mother. After the car accident, it was so hard for them. I think that’s how Damian was able to... attach himself so easily.”
He felt a little sick, a little unsure. His mom and Damian had a history, of course she would quickly fall in with him again. Though he wondered how Faith and them felt about Lily and Damian together. But Noah... was it just his thing about father figures? His insecurities about being alone? Luke wasn’t sure. And why had Damian involved himself? Damian already had his claws in, Casey had said. Why?
Something else Casey had said popped into his brain then too. Because of your mom, your family wasn’t- “Something happened between them? Mom and Noah,” he turned to Emma.
She nodded, eyes said. “Lily needed to blame someone, something, for the accident. She couldn’t, but she could blame someone for you being in that car with Holden.”
His body went cold. “No way.” No, she wouldn’t do that. She’d always had that huge soft spot for Noah, she’d never...
But Emma’s nod confirmed it. “People can do strange things when grieving, honey.” Like run away for three years, he reminded himself. “It was... you know we’d never really let Noah go, but it’s been hard. I can’t remember the last time she was willingly in the same room as him.” She threw her arms around him again, hugging him tight. “But don’t worry about any of that, dear. It’s not your burden. We’re all just glad to have you home.”
He hugged her too, but his mind was crazy and heavy with it all. Why were any of them asking about the accident, about his dad? Why weren’t they wondering how he had survived when Holden hadn’t? And why, he wondered as he watched Noah’s face turn gentle and consoling for an obviously upset Faith, did they think that him being home would magically solve every problem?
Didn’t they remember? Luke didn’t solve problems. He just created more.
***
Lily never reappeared that night, even after Noah awkwardly said goodnight and drove off in his shiny expensive car (that Damian bought for him, Luke knew it now), leaving Luke with his family. But it was too much, too soon, too ‘Holden’ for Luke to stay at the farm any longer. Even after discovering how much more often the kids slept there than at the actual house with their mother.
Luke was so confused, what did Lily do if she wasn’t at the Lakeview and only partially took care of her children? (Emma and Noah took care of them the rest of the time, Jack confided in Luke when he drove him back to Casey and Ali’s that night.)
Staying at the farm would’ve been too much, but he couldn’t avoid his family. Or his life, if he wanted to figure out what really happened to Holden. But he couldn’t rely on Casey and Ali to take care of him. Which is why, a few days of unsuccessful searches through those medical files later, he found himself at Grimaldi Worldwide (not just Shipping anymore).
Damian’s office was... grandiose was the best word Luke could come up with. Most polite, at least. The most honest? So fucking expensive and overdone. Decorated and arranged to be perfectly intimidating. And it was working. A little.
Luke cleared his throat again, fiddled with the zipper of his hoodie- not a very professional outfit, and very on purpose. He was here, doing this, because he needed to ,not because he wanted to. And he wanted Damian to know that.
Damian, however, gave nothing away, regarding Luke with a calm but happy air. He was happy to see Luke, have him back.
That was all it was, right?
There were certain things Luke couldn’t let go of. One was Never Trust Damian. He didn’t really care how well Damian had supposedly taken care of the family. Holden had said it best, right before the accident. There’s always more going on, he-
Luke suddenly closed his eyes, thankful that it happened just as Damian answered a phone call. It was happening again, remembering the accident. And Luke knew he was flashing back now because he was home again. He just wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
Damian hung up the phone, unaware of Luke’s thoughts and crazy mental flailings. Which, you know, good. Luke had to figure them out first. God, he wished he could tell Noah.
“I still can’t believe you’re home, Luciano,” Damian smiled, looking him up and down. “When we first were told of the accident, it was...” he stopped, as though gathering himself. “It was devastating, son. And I realized how many years I wasted without you, not being... I tried to change my ways after that. Take care of things, of people, like I hadn’t before. For you.”
And he sounded so sincere, Luke desperately wanted to believe him. And he tried to, almost did, but the expressions on Casey’s and Emma’s faces warred with that. They still didn’t trust him. What was Damian’s goal here, really?
He smiled though, and hopefully didn’t let that doubt show. “I- I’m glad you were here for Mom and the kids.” And Noah. He hid his shaking hands at that.
Damian studied him more intensely. “Do you remember anything at all? From the accident?”
He tried to hold himself still, then shook his head. “No. Nothing.” His voice cracked a little, but he quickly moved on. “We were driving and- and then I was sitting on the ground, looking at a burning truck.” He stopped there. He didn’t want to say more, or try to think more.
Damian was also silent and still, for a minute or two, then shook his own head. “I’m so sorry, son. It would probably be best not to dwell on it all, I’m sure. Look to the future. That’s why you’re here, I assume?”
Luke nodded. “I need a job. But I can’t exactly go back to school or anything right now, I just- I’m not ready for that. But if the offer still stands? For here?”
“You want to work for me? With me?” Damian’s eyes lit up.
I don’t know if ‘want’ is the right word, he silently argued. But he nodded on the outside, tried to smile. He left ‘want’ a long time ago. Right now... right now was necessity.
They finalized some paperwork in less than an hour, and Luke tried to tell himself there wasn’t something like relief or victory in Damian’s eyes. Because that would be weird.
That would be suspicious.
Right?
Instead, Luke waved a goodbye, intent on going back to Casey and Ali’s, maybe look over those confusing files one more exhausting time. He half-wished he could have Noah with him when he did it, he’d be good for finding clues, solutions to puzzles. He’d be able to look at the whole picture, see the issue. Luke wished he...
He definitely didn’t mean to conjure Noah right then and there with the half-wish. He didn’t. Not on purpose, at least. But there he was walking around the corner, and Luke couldn’t deny that rush, the way his heart thudded out of his chest at the sight of him. It was Noah. It would always be Noah.
Even if it wasn’t always them.
“Hey,” he called out, only kinda unsteady.
Noah looked up sharply from whatever stupid Important Work File he’d been reading. “Luke?” he still said it so completely thrown, like every time they saw each other was going to be a shock he wasn’t used to.
Not that Luke didn’t know the feeling or anything. “Hey,” he said again, really smiling this time, almost sheepish. “Fancy seeing you here.”
Noah glanced at Damian’s office, eyes wide and worried for not even half a second. “What are you doing here?”
“Getting my job back?” Luke shrugged. “I need some way to pay for a place to live.”
“You’re not staying with... Wait, you’re going to work here?” Noah took a step back into another hallway out of sight of Damian’s office. He rubbed a hand over his jaw, across his suddenly pale face.
Noah Mayer, never exactly the king of subtlety. “Is that going to be a problem?” he snapped, awkwardness forgotten in the face of his own defensiveness.
Noah hesitated, looking towards Damian’s office again. Luke frowned. What was up with that? “No, Luke,” he softened, hand coming up again, this time to fiddle with the knot of his tie. “No. It’s... it’s good that you’re, you know,” he shrugged.
“Not laying about like a spoiled brat this time around?” he finished, somewhere between joking and still defensive.
Noah’s lips quirked up, just a little. Just enough. “Something like that, yeah.”
Luke let out a laugh, the muscles in his neck and shoulders relaxing for the first time since stepping into the office earlier. “Hey. I’m maturing.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Noah was attempting to keep up, he really was, but something was off. His eyes shifted to Damian’s office once more, his hand still adjust and tugging on his tie.
And they were standing so close, and Noah was smiling, and he still... he still smelled the same. Luke reacted out of instinct, muscle memory, that’s what it was. That’s all it was. That’s why he reached out, batted Noah’s hand away, and started fixing the tie himself. “You’re going to strangle yourself if you’re not-”
He stopped. Noah’s hand was frozen where he’d moved it away, lightly brushing against Luke’s wrist. But that wasn’t what had stopped him. Noah was staring at him, eyes wide, face even more pale than before. It was like he wasn’t even breathing.
Luke froze too, which unfortunately meant his hands were set at Noah’s chest, grazing shirt and skin and-
Noah’s whole body flinched then, sliding more than pushing away from him. Luke still felt the cold, the absence, immediately. He lowered his arms slowly, dazed. Had he really just...? And did Noah...?
“I’m sorry,” Luke croaked out, unable to look at him. He stared at his hands, his stupid, traitorous hands, instead. “Sorry.” He wasn’t sure if he actually was, but Noah obviously wasn’t happy about this. Three years, Luke. He’s moved on. He never once mentioned himself when he yelled about what you left behind. He took himself out of this equation. Respect that. You’ve put him through enough.
Noah wasn’t looking at him either. “No, it’s-” He let his hands drop, smoothing down his shirt. Luke actually ached, watching the movement, remember when he’d do that to Luke’s bare skin, gliding down-
Luke didn’t even hear whatever platitudes Noah was probably giving him. As pale as he was, Luke knew his own face was just getting redder and redder. Totally, royally. Screwed. Up.
And now they worked together. Wonderful.
( CONTINUE TO CHAPTER 3)
Author: carolinablu85
Artist: frances_veritas ( HERE OMG)
Rating: NC17
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
Pairing: Luke/Noah
Warnings: Characters deaths, Deviation from canon (story starts with canon from summer 2009), Angst, Multiple Flashbacks
Summary: When his dad is killed and he thinks it’s his fault, Luke runs away from his home and his family- and Noah. Years later, he reappears in a very changed Oakdale to right the wrongs he left behind.
PROLOGUE | ONE | TWO | THREE | FOUR | FIVE | EPILOGUE
Luke endured a marathon of hugs and tears from Alison when Casey ushered him into their apartment. It took a few more minutes to get her up to speed on it all, and by the time they were sitting down, relatively calm, Luke realized he’d been in Oakdale for four hours without wanting to run back out of town. That was pretty impressive.
He sat on the couch with Ali, looking at pictures of Gwen and Will and Hallie, not really paying attention to Casey who paced in the kitchen with his phone. “She’s beautiful,” he murmured, tracing a photo of the happy family.
“Yeah, she is,” Ali sighed happily.
Luke looked up at her searchingly. “You and Casey, are you two...?”
She laughed. “Oh God, not anytime soon. I’m just now finally used to living with him. What if I ended up having a boy and there were two Caseys running around? I’m not ready for that.”
He grinned and half-shuddered at the thought. “But a little Alison running around might be nice,” he pointed out.
Ali stared for a second, then smiled and shook her head. “Noah said the same thing,” she said softly.
His breath stuttered, but he was pretty sure he covered it well. “I bet he did.” He cleared his throat, looked away, looked back again. “Casey won’t let me, but I want to thank you both for, I don’t know, being there for him.”
She nodded, still smiling. “He’s our friend,” was her answer. Then she sat forward, tossing the pictures onto the coffee table, and wrapped an arm around him, hugging again. “And you are too. I’m so glad you’re here, Luke. I missed you. Lots.”
He hugged her back, closing his eyes and breathing deep. “I missed you too.”
She pulled back a little, wiping her eyes. “With everything we heard after your accident, all the weird stuff, I just-”
“What weird stuff?” Luke’s eyes narrowed.
“Oh, um,” she fumbled for a second, wincing, then deflated. “It happened in Kentucky, so their police department investigated, but Margo looked into it, as a favor to Jack. And my sister did too, just because.” Of course. Emily always loved a good story.
“And?” he pressed.
“Margo and Emily found some suspicious, um, things about the accident. Something with the car, and something about the way the police handled it there, I don’t know specifics,” she shrugged apologetically. “They both tried to look into it, but never got anywhere. And then Margo...” she waved her hand. “I guess you know.”
“Yeah,” he murmured, thinking of the empty, unfamiliar police station.
Alison eyed him carefully. “Do you, uh, do you remember anything? About the accident?”
Luke was about to shake his head instinctively, he’d blocked those memories for three years, but there was a sudden flash of something, an image, a noise, something. The truck jerked abruptly under them, startling them both. He blinked hard and flinched, shaking a little.
“Luke?” Ali’s hand was on his shoulder, steadying and concerned.
“Something happened,” he said numbly. “With the truck. I think. Does that- did they think it wasn’t an accident?” he demanded.
“I don’t know, Luke. No one does, that’s the thing,” Ali looked up, almost guiltily, when Casey entered the room, eyeing them both.
“You told him?” he asked, not quite demanding or angry, but definitely not happy. She just nodded.
“Somebody caused the accident?” he asked both of them now.
Casey sighed, twisting his phone between his fingers. “No one knows, dude. All the people who wanted to investigate it were out of a job before they could do anything. My mom included.” He waved his phone. “Hope you don’t mind, but I told them- my parents- that you’re here. Whether you stay in town or you don’t, there’s legal stuff that has to be taken care of. They can help.”
“Whether you stay in town or not?” Ali repeated. “Why would you leave? You’re home, aren’t you?” Her grip on his shoulder tightened, as though needing to keep him in place.
He shrugged his other shoulder. “I don’t know. Yeah, I want to... Is there any way I can look at reports or something from the accident? Maybe it’ll help jog my memories?” Wait, why was he doing this? Why was he pushing this? Why was he trying?
“There’s probably final reports in your medical files at the hospital,” Ali said slowly, uncertainly. “But Luke-”
“Will you guys help me?” he tried to hold back from pleading, but it was a near thing. “I need to do this.” Something started stirring in him, something almost forgotten. Determination. Too much curiosity.
Ali still hesitated. “Does Noah know you’re here?”
“He knows I’m alive,” Luke hedged, heart thudding in his chest again. Noah. “Will you guys help me?”
Casey looked over to Ali. She looked back at him, stammering. “I don’t know. It... this feels like going behind Noah’s back. He should be a part of this. Or at least know about it.” Casey smiled sweetly at her, relieved, obviously agreeing.
Luke sat back, studying them both. He chuckled somewhat. “There was a time when you would’ve chosen me over Noah,” he said before he could stop himself.
Casey closed his eyes with a half-laugh of his own. And Ali, Ali started glaring. “This isn’t about that, Luke. But if it was, I’d like to remind you that you’ve been gone for three years.”
“I didn’t mean-”
“And in those three years, you could’ve called or written or done any kind of thing to tell us you were alive,” she barreled on. “We’re not choosing anyone over anyone. We love you. But three years ago and every day since? You didn’t choose us.”
Luke winced. That was really, painfully, true. “I’m sorry,” he offered, wishing there were better words in the English language for situations like this.
Ali sighed, her hand back to his shoulder. “I know. Me too.”
He glanced over at her hopefully. “So, you’ll help?”
Ali looked to Casey, to Luke, back to Casey, back to Luke. Casey shrugged, coming to sit next to her. And then, finally, Casey spoke up. “Yeah. We will. If it helps finally make all of this right again, we’ll help.”
Ali took Casey’s hand in hers, nodding. “First stop is probably the hospital. We can find the medical records there, if we sneak in and don’t get caught.” She shook her head, muttering, “Feels like we’re back in college again.”
“Hey!” both Luke and Casey protested indignantly.
Ali just smiled, leaned over and kissed Luke’s cheek. “Welcome home, Luke.”
He didn’t have the heart to argue. But he wasn’t home, not really, not yet. Maybe not ever.
***
Noah straightened his tie unconsciously as he opened the door to Damian’s office. It was his last and only bit of armor. He bought his own ties. His suits, his shoes, eighty percent of his work clothes- they were Grimaldi money. Eighty percent of his life was Grimaldi money. But the ties were his.
He knocked lightly on the door as it opened. “Good morning.”
Damian looked up from a desk that seemed way too big and grandiose for how much Damian probably used it. “Noah. Good morning, son.”
Noah didn’t grimace at that anymore. He wasn’t even sure when he stopped. “I, um, I have the contracts from the Nashville trip signed and ready for processing.”
He didn’t even realized his slip until Damian looked up from his paperwork, an eyebrow raised. “Everything okay, Noah?”
Shit. He hadn’t stuttered like that in years. Damian had coached the ‘ums’ out of him when he started working for him, he didn’t show weaknesses like that anymore. And why was he doing it now? Luke Luke Luke. “Fine. It’s just been a long week. I’ll be rested up and better by Monday.”
“I have absolute faith that you will be,” Damian smiled slightly, focus already going back to his paperwork. Noah hated himself for just a second, for that sliver of satisfaction he felt at having Damian’s approval.
Noah waited silently in front of him as he finished up, knowing Damian wouldn’t speak to him again until after he was done. Damian never said anything, but Noah knew this kind of self control had always impressed him. He snapped back to attention when Damian set aside the stack of forms, focusing on him instead.
“Well,” Damian nodded. “It’s nearing the end of the month.” He gestured for Noah to take a seat in front of him. Noah did so slowly, gathering himself for the conversation they were about to have, the same one they had at the end of every month. Damian continued, “Rent and utilities are paid for. As are the maintenance on the car and the latest payment of your medical bills.”
Noah just nodded in return, knowing better than to protest or comment in any way. He couldn’t handle paying for any of those things on his own, even if he was paid like the other Grimaldi employees. He needed Damian’s help to manage his life right now.
It wouldn’t be forever. Noah promised himself this every month. Someday, he’d be able to take care of everything himself.
“Now, for the rest of it,” Damian settled even more into his giant leather chair. Noah was half-convinced Damian had gotten the thing because it reminded him of every villain in every James Bond film, but he never said this out loud. “I’m stopping by City Hall today, so everything will be in order for that as well.”
Noah nodded. “And...” he almost stuttered again. No way could he do that twice in front of Damian, in the same meeting. No way. He cleared his throat to cover for it. “The other thing?”
Damian smiled that reassuring smile, the placating one, the one he used all the time for Noah and Lily. Like they needed special treatment or something. “You have nothing to worry about.”
He reacted just a little, sagging down in his seat in relief. Good. Okay. Noah could make it another month, with that guarantee. Another month of safety. And it was all thanks to Damian. Noah had to believe that some part of him was a good man for doing all of this for Noah, for Lily, for all of them. He had to believe it.
Otherwise...
Noah shook himself internally, nodding to Damian once more. “Good. Thank you. Really,” he added, meaning it. Hoping Damian knew he meant it.
Damian smiled again, understanding. “Before you go, I wanted to say, I know you were traveling back home on the day of the anniversary. I’m sorry you couldn’t be here with the family for it.”
Like Lily would have let him be with the family that day anyway. Still, Noah appreciated the sentiment, useless as it was. He allowed himself to smile a little too. “I know. It’s okay.”
“You haven’t said anything about your trip beyond how the meeting went,” Damian commented, studying him in a different way now. “Anything to report?”
Noah almost hesitated again, confused. Was he supposed to have done something else? “No sir.” Hell, it wasn’t like he wasn’t going to tell Damian about running into his legally declared dead son. The former love of Noah’s life. The current.... Noah had no idea. But he knew he couldn’t tell Damian. Damian would either think he was crazy or... or stop helping Noah with his life. Everything Damian was doing openly or behind the scenes- Noah couldn’t risk those things.
Damian looked like he wanted to say something else, maybe question him again, but stopped. He smiled instead. “Very well then. I think we’re all done here, I’ll see you after lunch for the staff meeting.”
“Not today,” Noah corrected slowly. “It’s the twenty-ninth, I have-”
“Your checkup, of course. I forgot,” Damian was back in work mode, waving Noah towards the door. “Good luck. Let me know if you need anything.”
Noah was out the door before he could answer that. It was unnecessary, anyway. He didn’t have to let Damian know anything, somehow he’d already know. It’d be creepy if Noah wasn’t used to it. Now, it was just his life.
***
Ali felt a little ridiculous sneaking Luke into the hospital. She hadn’t done something this stupid in years, having to look both ways before turning every corner, checking over her shoulder to make sure a) Luke was still with her and b) no one recognized him.
God, Noah was going to kill her. Or worse, give her that ‘I’m so disappointed, why would you hurt me’ puppy dog face. Puppies were not supposed to be judgmental, she wanted to point out. The only reason she didn’t call him out on it was because she was pretty sure Noah still wasn’t doing the puppy look on purpose. Damn him and his stupid adorableness. She hated not telling him about this. How was he going to feel about Luke actually being alive, back home, everything?
“Records are around the next corner,” she told Luke quietly, trying not to arouse any suspicion. It would be just their luck for Chris or Bob to walk past them, or her mom, or, even worse-
“Ms. Stewart-Hughes.”
Reid.
Damn it.
She plastered on a smile, trying to stand as much in front of Luke as she could. “Dr. Oliver, hi.”
Reid studied her with his practiced stare. Unlike with Noah, Ali was sure Reid knew exactly what he was doing when he used that expression. “I wasn’t aware you were on shift today.”
She grinned cheerfully, knowing anything cheerful annoyed him to no end. “I wasn’t aware you knew my schedule so well!”
He scowled, just a little. “I like to know which incompetent nurses I’ll be dealing with on any given day.”
Ali rolled her eyes, knowing by this point that he was (mostly) all bark and no bite. “I’m just here to pick up my check,” she explained, quickly adding as Reid’s gaze shifted to the person behind her, “And helping this poor guy find his way to radiology. So if you’ll excuse me...” She started to lead Luke away.
“Is your friend going to show up for his appointment today?” Reid called out before they were out of sight around the corner.
“Shouldn’t you know that? He’s your boyfriend,” she fired back.
“Oh yeah,” he said blandly. “I keep forgetting.”
Another eye roll as they finally got away. “Don’t ask,” she told Luke.
He did anyway. “Who the hell was that?”
“Dr. Reid Oliver,” she answered, not wanting to say much more. Especially not to Luke. “Don’t worry, he doesn’t grow on you.”
“Charming,” Luke snorted.
Ali swallowed back a sigh. If only Luke knew...
***
The espresso was waiting for him when he got to the exam room. So was the patient. “You’re early.”
“You say that every time, like it’s ever going to be different,” Noah was already perched on the hospital bed, outer layers shed until he was just in a short sleeve undershirt and his suit pants.
Reid would never admit he liked it better when Noah used to wear jeans and a t-shirt. Just like he’d never admit that he knew Noah liked it better too. Those were things they didn’t do.
“One day, Mayer. One of these days. You will be late, and I will gloat.” He pulled his stethoscope free from his neck.
“You gloat enough already,” Noah pulled the neckline of his shirt down for better access.
They went through their normal check-up routines, and Reid didn’t speak again until he was tracking Noah’s field of vision, moving one finger up and down, back and forth. “So, Saturday night.”
“Yeah?” Noah always concentrated so hard on these tests. It was stupidly endearing.
“I can come by with food and beer,” he suggested. “I’m willing to put up with some stupid artsy movie if it means I can choose the pizza toppings.”
Noah frowned. “I thought you had a date with that Danny guy.”
Reid grimaced. “No. We broke up on Monday.”
“Why?”
“Because I like to start my week off right.”
“No, why did you break up?” Noah eased back, blinking hard against Reid’s penlight.
Reid clicked it off, sliding it back in his pocket. “He was annoying. Too cheerful. And what thirty-six year old still calls himself Danny? You’re an adult. Dan or Daniel. Pick one.”
Noah laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah, that really sounds like an adult justification for breaking up with someone.”
He smirked. “You want an adult reason? The sex was really bad too. He had this move where he-”
He still got way too much pleasure out of making Noah blush. “Please stop.”
He patted Noah’s shoulder. “So. Saturday.”
Noah shrugged. “Sure.” He started to button his dress shirt back up, the sign that (even though it was almost five o’clock), Noah was heading back to the office. “You know, one of these days people are going to figure out that we’re not dating.”
Reid was too busy making a note on Noah’s chart to shrug back. “So? They haven’t yet. It works for us.”
And it really did. People maybe didn’t understand or condone it (at least in Noah’s camp), but as long as people thought they were together, nobody bothered them. Emma Snyder and Alison and whoever else didn’t worry about Noah being too alone (Reid maybe did that for them, sometimes, maybe), and Katie didn’t try to set Reid up with every gay or seemingly gay man in the state of Illinois. (Jesus, that ‘seemingly gay’ one had been awkward.) Win-win.
Plus, Reid gained a fairly quiet and fairly intelligent person to eat pizza with once a week. He wouldn’t call Noah a ‘friend’ exactly, mostly because that word made him break out into hives, but they had a good, harmless, not-annoying thing between them. Seriously. The quiet was nice. His other... tolerable acquaintances in this town were not quiet. That was all Reid could ask for.
Which is why he didn’t really want to ruin it. Which is why he didn’t really want to say what he was about to say. “By the way, is Alison cheating on Casey Hughes?”
Noah choked on the sip of coffee he had just been taking (Reid timed these things so well). “What? No! Why?”
He shrugged, pretending there was more to fill out on Noah’s chart. “I just saw her here earlier with another guy. Your age, kinda blond but not. Too pretty looking for my tastes, but maybe not for hers.”
He sensed Noah stutter a little, starting to wonder. Good, Noah. Think. There was no way he was actually going to be the one to tell Noah that the formerly deceased love of his life was back- that was so not his forte- but he did want to prepare Noah a little, if he could. “Ali wouldn’t cheat,” is all Noah said.
“I hope not,” Reid said blandly. “Because the guy was definitely gay. So the affair probably wouldn’t work out in the long run.”
Noah’s hands stopped re-tying his tie for a second. “He was gay? You’re sure?”
There it is. “My gaydar is never wrong, Mayer.” Unlike Katie’s.
He watched Noah again out of the corner of his eyes, knowing better than to offer to help him tie that thing. That hadn’t gone over so well the first and only time he’d tried.
Noah was smoothing down the material, straightening his collar. His hands were shaking, which almost caused Reid to make a facial expression. He could count on one hand the number of times he’d seen Noah actually rattled over something. Even when they’d first met, Noah hadn’t been one for outward displays of... anything..
---
Reid is not easily perplexed. Hardly, if ever, does that happen. He really truly does not like the feeling. Which is maybe why he scowls extra hard at this current patient.
Not that the guy can see him, of course.
The (one, only) benefit to being in a small town is hearing every bit of news on every single person. So Reid already knows all about Noah Mayer. Or so he thought until this moment.
Noah isn’t a hot-headed kid. He doesn’t seem angry, or even all that sullen. He’s not whiny, but he’s also not one of those overly-bubbly ‘when life gives you lemons’ types either. (Thank God.) In fact, he’s barely said a word the whole appointment, besides yes or no answers to Reid’s questions.
He should just leave it at that. He really should. He’s finally come across a patient who doesn’t annoy the shit out of him; he should leave it alone. But he can’t help it, he has to poke at the hornet’s nest. Maybe just to see if there is a hornet in there somewhere.
“So you’re the one with the dead boyfriend, right? I have such a hard time remembering which patient is which around here,” is how he starts their first conversation. Noah raises an eyebrow in his general direction, but doesn’t respond otherwise. Reid waits, wondering if the silence will be oppressive enough to crack him. It doesn’t. “Well? Are you mute too?”
“Just waiting for you to do your job,” Noah says calmly. No inflection, no spite or desperation. And Reid starts getting perplexed. Everything he’s read in this file and gathered from Oakdale gossip (God help him)- this kid should be two-thirds into a nervous breakdown by this point.
He’s not intrigued, he’s perplexed. He goes through his normal routines for appointments like this, and Noah complies with every order, every instruction.
“You don’t talk much, do you?” Reid finally asks, a little angry with himself for caving first.
Noah doesn’t even say anything to that for a second, he assumes out of spite, but ultimately sighs. “Why do you want me to?”
“Curiosity,” he says casually. “Entertainment.”
“I’m entertaining?” Noah asks skeptically.
“Well, not right now obviously,” he grouses. “But I thought you’d be more than this,” he unnecessarily waves a hand between them.
“Why?” still no emotion behind it. The guy is a robot. Or a Vulcan. Something.
“Why? Let’s see.” Again (maybe out of his own spite), he holds up his hand for no reason, ticking off his fingers. “You’re Oakdale’s Big Gay Orphan, not technically since Psycho Dad is rotting away in prison, but still.” Another finger. “Your soulmate died in a freak accident and now his mother is shunning you like it’s your fault.” Another. “You were harassed and coerced into sex by your teacher who has mysteriously disappeared.” And another. “You were almost killed and are now blind and probably will never see again, dashing your lifelong dreams.” He focuses on Noah again. “I guess I expected more.”
Noah is biting the inside of his cheek, and Reid wants to smile. Finally, a reaction, a something. Yell at Reid for knowing his personal business, for not knowing the full stories, for mentioning the mythical Luke Snyder in his presence, for-
“Were you counting on your fingers? You know I can’t see that, right?”
Reid absolutely does not stare, just lets himself feel bitter that some twenty year old blind kid has just foiled his plan for entertainment. “Maybe that’s why I did.”
Noah shakes his head. “Are we done? Can you tell me anything about, about my eyes?”
The first time Reid hears any emotion from him, and it’s hope. He grimaces. “If there’s any chance of repairing this, and it’s an immensely large ‘if,’ it won’t be for sometime. Months, if ever.” And that’s only if they’re lucky. There’s a lot of damage in this kid. Not an easy fix.
And Reid is reminded of how much he hates metaphors as Noah’s face falls, then quickly goes back to that stoic expression. Damage. Right.
“Okay,” Noah finally says. “Thanks. Until next week, then. I guess.” His hand starts to reach for his cane, about ten inches off course. Instead of getting the cane for him, Reid touches Noah’s wrist, guiding it in the right direction, ignoring Noah’s slight flinch at being touched. He’s pretty sure Noah doesn’t want things handed to him- literally, figuratively, or-
He really fucking hates metaphors.
He leads Noah out of the exam room and catches the slightly inquisitive look on his patient’s face. “What now?” he asks.
Noah just shakes his head again. “You’re the only other person who seems to think Mason mysteriously disappeared,” is all he says before turning away, walking towards two people waiting at the end of the hall.
Reid is surprised and puzzled. He hadn’t realized Noah was the only other one who thought there was something fishy about the teacher leaving town. Very interesting. Perplexing, even.
He recognizes one of the two people waiting for Noah as Damian Grimaldi. The guy who bribed and blackmailed him into this case. He remembers the guy from a year or two earlier, when Reid had been overseas for a rotation in England. Grimaldi had been scouring the hemisphere for a neurosurgeon to deal with some guy with a microchip in his brain. Thank God Reid had been away. Microchips? Boring.
He stays mostly out of sight, watching. Noah smiles at Grimaldi, and it’s a weird thing- empty and blank, polite. Definitely fake. And then Noah turns to the other person, a little boy, maybe three or four years old. Noah reaches out and picks the boy up, listening as the boy chatters on happily.
And there it is. What Noah’s real smile looks like. Very, very different from any expression he usually has, Reid can tell.
Okay. Reid admits it. He’s intrigued.
---
And he was intrigued now, too. Mostly for Noah’s reaction, what he’d do when it finally sunk in that The Luke Snyder was back. And he wondered what Luke would do about Noah, if anything.
No. Luke better do something, he reasoned as Noah waved goodbye and walked out, his hands no longer shaking. He better do something.
God, Reid hated caring about people.
***
Noah heard their voices before he saw them. He waited outside the nurse’s locker room, grateful for the extra few seconds to steady himself. Luke’s voice. Noah had to remind himself he wasn’t imagining it, it was real. It was Luke.
And Luke was in Oakdale. Alive.
Why? Had he changed his mind because of their fight, because of Noah? Was he back for good? Did Damian and Lily know? Did they know Noah had kept the secret of seeing Luke in Kentucky? Did Luke want-
The door opened and Luke and Ali were walking out, a bag of... folders? documents? in Luke’s hand. Noah found himself staring at the bag first, so by the time he dragged his eyes upward Luke was staring back at him in shock.
“Noah. Noah, I-” Ali sounded so wary and gentle, he just shook his head. Not now. He couldn’t right now. Ali nodded, getting it, taking the bag from a still silent Luke. “I’ll take these back to our place,” she said softly. “For later.”
And almost magically, they were alone in the hallway. Luke ticked his eyes to the side to watch Ali go, then back to Noah. “Um-”
“You’re back?” Noah asked softly. He tried really hard- and succeeded he thought- at keeping the hope out of his question.
Luke hesitated, nodded, shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Why?” Why are you back now? Why are you here? Why did you stay away? Why don’t you know?
He shrugged again. “I need to find out what happened to my dad.”
Oh.
Well, Noah was pretty stupid, wasn’t he? Luke wasn’t back because of him, or for him. “That... that’s it?”
Luke scuffed his foot along the floor, biting his lip. “I don’t... I don’t know, Noah. I just got here.”
“And came to the hospital first,” he pointed out. “Why?”
“Ali was helping me look for records about the accident-”
And Noah had to turn away for a second, smoothing down his tie. “Have you even gone to see your family yet? Do they know you’re alive?”
That hesitant expression, one he’d always found so adorable in the past, almost made him flinch now. “I need to look into this.”
It hadn’t been so long that Noah forgot that tone. With a flash of anger, “Luke, you’re not in- we’re not kids anymore! You’re not a cop!” He kept on before Luke could argue. “Stop. Don’t start digging into things. You can’t just- Think of your family, okay?”
“I am!” he protested. “I-”
“I thought if you came back, it would be for them, for-” for me, he didn’t say. “Not to play investigator like some dumb kid again.” The election, Reg, Damian... Not again.
Luke glared for a second, jaw setting in a hard line, before he took a longer look at Noah. “Did you have a checkup today?” he asked quietly, knowingly.
Noah deflated. “Ali told you?”
“Casey.”
He was going to kill Casey if any other stories got told. “I did, yeah. I’m fine.”
“Whose definition of fine?” Luke half-smiled, and for a second three years vanished. The weight of it was gone.
And then back. Noah couldn’t wipe away the last three years. “When are you going to see your family?”
“You’re okay, really?” Luke persisted.
“Everything checked out fine,” he non-answered. “Luke. The farm. When?”
Luke closed his eyes, giving Noah a second of reprieve before opening them again. “Will you come with me?” His voice was so small.
For a moment Noah felt like the earth was swallowing him whole. He locked his knees, clenched his hands, swallowed hard to keep from letting any pathetic, needy, wounded noise from escaping. To keep from asking for permission to touch him, kiss him, everything. You didn’t come back for me. “I...” Lily was going to be there. Maybe this would help make up for things. He took Luke away from her, he could bring Luke back. Maybe? “Okay.”
***
The farm was maybe the one thing in Oakdale that was exactly the same. It was small comfort for Luke’s nerves, though. The people inside were probably different from what he remembered, and that was partly his fault. Something he couldn’t change or get back.
Like the person walking up the driveway with him.
He kept his thoughts away from the emotional minefield that was Noah right now, and concentrated on the farm again. “So, um, who’s here right now?” He’d already asked this twice, but there were cars parked there he didn’t recognize.
Noah answered again anyway. “Emma, Lily and Damian. The kids. Jack and Carly, Parker, Sage and Lee. Wait, no, Parker’s away at some summer high school program. Just Sage and Lee.”
Lee, short for Bradley, Jack and Carly’s two year old. Named for Brad. Who was dead. Who left behind a son Jacob (now almost three) with Katie. Who was married to Chris Hughes now.
Jesus, Luke was tired already.
“Okay,” he squared his shoulders, stepping onto the porch, unconsciously breathing in deep, inhaling the smells that, he had to admit, were still so comforting and welcome.
“Do you want me to go in first?” Noah asked quietly.
He shouldn’t ask that of Noah, he really shouldn’t, but he nodded, deep breaths in and out.
Noah didn’t look like he was fairing that much better, but he nodded back, walking into the kitchen and leaving Luke on the porch.
“Noah!” he heard Emma, Jack, and who had to be Ethan call out, happy and surprised.
“What are you doing here?” Luke frowned, thrown by the cold tone of his mother’s voice. What the hell was that about?
“I... something’s happened. I have- there’s someone here to see you.” Luke couldn’t help but smile a little bit. Noah obviously had no idea how to break the news, not that Luke would’ve known either.
“Who?” Faith or maybe Natalie, or Sage (he couldn’t tell them apart anymore?) asked excitedly.
The door opened again, and there was Noah, gesturing for Luke to come inside. Without thinking, Luke looked into his eyes, gathering strength and reassurance. Then Noah blinked hard, faltering just for a second against the door, and Luke remembered they weren’t like that anymore. He swallowed and stepped into the kitchen.
The dead silence in the wake of his entrance didn’t actually last as long as he thought it would. Maybe a few seconds, and then Carly gasped and Natalie shouted his name, throwing herself from her chair towards him. He took the distraction happily, lifting her up into the biggest hug he’d given (or received) in years. Closing his eyes, nose buried in her hair, he felt everyone else standing from the table, coming close, speaking at once.
When he opened his eyes, there they were. Emma and Jack crowded in, shocked, asking a thousand questions, Carly and her kids behind Jack. Faith was right there, pulling Natalie away, looking somewhere between wanting to hug Luke and wanting to hit him. Ethan was standing next to Noah, wary, maybe a little confused. Noah must’ve thought he was too, his hand going gently to Ethan’s shoulder.
And there was Damian next to Noah, looking at Luke in wonder, in relief, in... something else? Something Luke couldn’t figure out? Lily, though- Lily was standing in the back, staring, not moving. Wait, she was moving. Backwards.
“Mom?” he said it quietly, uncertainly.
“L-Luke?” she whispered it, still backing away. Suddenly looking so frail.
“Mom, I-” He took a step forward, and it was the wrong thing to do. She shrank back, into the doorway. “I’m-”
She shook her head frantically for a second, and was suddenly gone. No noise, no words, nothing. Luke took a step to follow her, but Damian was suddenly there, hand on his shoulder. “I’ll go get her, Luke. She’s probably just overwhelmed.” His voice softened. “We all are.”
Luke looked up at his biological father and couldn’t help but offer a smile at the real emotion he saw on Damian’s face. “I’ll wait here,” he nodded, already letting himself be pulled into Emma’s arms.
Damian smiled too, a genuine one. He reached out past Emma, his hand landing on Luke’s head, resting in his hair for a moment. “It’s... it’s good to see you, son.”
“You too,” Luke murmured, and meant it. Damian blinked quickly a few times, nodded, and headed out after Lily. Luke focused back on his grandmother, hugging her tighter. “Hi,” he whispered.
“Oh, honey, I...” she laid her forehead down against his shoulder, shaking just a little.
“I’m here,” he reassured as best he could. “I’m okay.” Well, maybe lying a little bit. A little.
She pulled back, holding his face with both hands, kissing his forehead. “I’m glad, honey. I’m so glad.”
She stepped back, and Jack immediately took her place, pulling Luke into a slightly less suffocating hug. “Holden?” he whispered softly, for only Luke to hear. Luke shook his head the slightest bit, just enough for Jack to understand. He swallowed hard when he pulled away, expecting some sort of recrimination or something on Jack’s face. But there was none. Jack just smiled at him, sad but happy. How could he be so happy?
Ethan was next, getting a little push from Noah. Luke knelt down, smiling, for some reason more nervous than he was with the others. Ethan was almost seven now. Luke had been gone for almost- Jesus- almost half of his life. “Hey, Ethan.”
“You didn’t die, Luke?” he asked, solemn, confused, head cocking to the side a little.
Luke shook his head, swallowing hard. “No, buddy. Almost, and I had to take some time to get better, but- but I’m better now.” He saw Noah’s mouth tighten at that, but luckily nobody else did.
Ethan just nodded, accepting. It was easiest with kids sometimes, wasn’t it? “We’re brothers again?”
Luke managed to keep his smile. He definitely didn’t look at Noah now. “Of course. Always were, always will be.”
Ethan hugged him now, a happy, carefree as only a little kid can be, hug. “Can Noah still be my brother too?” he asked.
It was asked quietly, and Luke definitely definitely didn’t look up now. Not at Noah, not to see if anyone else overheard. “Always,” he whispered. And hoped.
It was a whirlwind for awhile after that; Emma forcing food at him, Jack asking a few more questions, Carly reminding Jack that he wasn’t a cop anymore, the kids somewhere between wanting to hug and play and being painfully unsure. Faith especially. Lily and Damian were still gone.
“That’s it. I’m coming out on the next flight,” Aaron announced.
“Aaron, no, it’s okay,” Luke shifted the phone to his other hand, waving at Ethan as Noah finally ushered the kids outside to play and give the adults (and Luke) some peace and quiet.
“Uh, this is all pretty much the opposite of ‘okay,’ Luke,” Aaron argued, still sounding like he was breathing too hard from the shock of all this.
“It’ll be okay, okay?” Luke tried. He stood at the sink, looking out towards the barn where Nat, Sage, and Ethan were running around, already in the middle of some elaborate made-up game. (Snyder kids were never that great at playing by the rules of conventional games.)
“Will it?” Aaron wasn’t fooled. “Three years is a lot to miss anywhere, man, but three years in that town is like... seven times more.”
“That’s dog years, Aaron.”
“Don’t sass me, Luciano,” Aaron fired back. “You just reappeared from the dead. We grieved. We-” he sighed. “Maybe you coming back will set things right again.”
That storm cloud of pressure was back No. I’m not back. “I don’t know about that.”
There was a pause. “Uh-huh. Sure.” He continued before Luke could argue. “Just... just don’t go away again, okay asshole? We can’t take it.”
The pressure was still there, but Luke was able to push it away. “I’ll try.”
Another pause. “And go make out with that blue eyed dumbass who’s probably trying to hide that he’s as freaked out as you are.”
Luke forced out a laugh, but even he could hear how painfully fake it was. “Thanks, Life Coach.”
“Hey,” Aaron’s voice got quiet, serious. “I love you, all right? No matter what or why. I’m glad to hear your stupid whiny voice again. Whatever reason you stayed away, I don’t care. I just care that you’re back.”
Luke was silent for a moment. He couldn’t get himself to agree, not yet. “Thanks,” he settled for.
“I’m giving you a month or two to get your shit together,” Aaron continued. “I’ll ask off from work. If I get to Oakdale and things aren’t better, I’m so kicking your scrawny ass.”
It went on like that for awhile, his teasing mixed with genuine concern and love (so much like Holden that Luke needed to fight back the urge to cry or hang up), before they finally said their (temporary) goodbyes.
Luke stayed at the sink, breathing slowly, staring out the window. Noah and Faith had joined the other three, sitting on the ground with Lee tottering back and forth between them. They were deep in discussion, and Luke could probably guess what it was about.
“It was hard for them,” Emma was at his elbow suddenly.
Her voice was soft, but Luke still jumped. “Who?”
“Noah and your mother. After the car accident, it was so hard for them. I think that’s how Damian was able to... attach himself so easily.”
He felt a little sick, a little unsure. His mom and Damian had a history, of course she would quickly fall in with him again. Though he wondered how Faith and them felt about Lily and Damian together. But Noah... was it just his thing about father figures? His insecurities about being alone? Luke wasn’t sure. And why had Damian involved himself? Damian already had his claws in, Casey had said. Why?
Something else Casey had said popped into his brain then too. Because of your mom, your family wasn’t- “Something happened between them? Mom and Noah,” he turned to Emma.
She nodded, eyes said. “Lily needed to blame someone, something, for the accident. She couldn’t, but she could blame someone for you being in that car with Holden.”
His body went cold. “No way.” No, she wouldn’t do that. She’d always had that huge soft spot for Noah, she’d never...
But Emma’s nod confirmed it. “People can do strange things when grieving, honey.” Like run away for three years, he reminded himself. “It was... you know we’d never really let Noah go, but it’s been hard. I can’t remember the last time she was willingly in the same room as him.” She threw her arms around him again, hugging him tight. “But don’t worry about any of that, dear. It’s not your burden. We’re all just glad to have you home.”
He hugged her too, but his mind was crazy and heavy with it all. Why were any of them asking about the accident, about his dad? Why weren’t they wondering how he had survived when Holden hadn’t? And why, he wondered as he watched Noah’s face turn gentle and consoling for an obviously upset Faith, did they think that him being home would magically solve every problem?
Didn’t they remember? Luke didn’t solve problems. He just created more.
***
Lily never reappeared that night, even after Noah awkwardly said goodnight and drove off in his shiny expensive car (that Damian bought for him, Luke knew it now), leaving Luke with his family. But it was too much, too soon, too ‘Holden’ for Luke to stay at the farm any longer. Even after discovering how much more often the kids slept there than at the actual house with their mother.
Luke was so confused, what did Lily do if she wasn’t at the Lakeview and only partially took care of her children? (Emma and Noah took care of them the rest of the time, Jack confided in Luke when he drove him back to Casey and Ali’s that night.)
Staying at the farm would’ve been too much, but he couldn’t avoid his family. Or his life, if he wanted to figure out what really happened to Holden. But he couldn’t rely on Casey and Ali to take care of him. Which is why, a few days of unsuccessful searches through those medical files later, he found himself at Grimaldi Worldwide (not just Shipping anymore).
Damian’s office was... grandiose was the best word Luke could come up with. Most polite, at least. The most honest? So fucking expensive and overdone. Decorated and arranged to be perfectly intimidating. And it was working. A little.
Luke cleared his throat again, fiddled with the zipper of his hoodie- not a very professional outfit, and very on purpose. He was here, doing this, because he needed to ,not because he wanted to. And he wanted Damian to know that.
Damian, however, gave nothing away, regarding Luke with a calm but happy air. He was happy to see Luke, have him back.
That was all it was, right?
There were certain things Luke couldn’t let go of. One was Never Trust Damian. He didn’t really care how well Damian had supposedly taken care of the family. Holden had said it best, right before the accident. There’s always more going on, he-
Luke suddenly closed his eyes, thankful that it happened just as Damian answered a phone call. It was happening again, remembering the accident. And Luke knew he was flashing back now because he was home again. He just wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
Damian hung up the phone, unaware of Luke’s thoughts and crazy mental flailings. Which, you know, good. Luke had to figure them out first. God, he wished he could tell Noah.
“I still can’t believe you’re home, Luciano,” Damian smiled, looking him up and down. “When we first were told of the accident, it was...” he stopped, as though gathering himself. “It was devastating, son. And I realized how many years I wasted without you, not being... I tried to change my ways after that. Take care of things, of people, like I hadn’t before. For you.”
And he sounded so sincere, Luke desperately wanted to believe him. And he tried to, almost did, but the expressions on Casey’s and Emma’s faces warred with that. They still didn’t trust him. What was Damian’s goal here, really?
He smiled though, and hopefully didn’t let that doubt show. “I- I’m glad you were here for Mom and the kids.” And Noah. He hid his shaking hands at that.
Damian studied him more intensely. “Do you remember anything at all? From the accident?”
He tried to hold himself still, then shook his head. “No. Nothing.” His voice cracked a little, but he quickly moved on. “We were driving and- and then I was sitting on the ground, looking at a burning truck.” He stopped there. He didn’t want to say more, or try to think more.
Damian was also silent and still, for a minute or two, then shook his own head. “I’m so sorry, son. It would probably be best not to dwell on it all, I’m sure. Look to the future. That’s why you’re here, I assume?”
Luke nodded. “I need a job. But I can’t exactly go back to school or anything right now, I just- I’m not ready for that. But if the offer still stands? For here?”
“You want to work for me? With me?” Damian’s eyes lit up.
I don’t know if ‘want’ is the right word, he silently argued. But he nodded on the outside, tried to smile. He left ‘want’ a long time ago. Right now... right now was necessity.
They finalized some paperwork in less than an hour, and Luke tried to tell himself there wasn’t something like relief or victory in Damian’s eyes. Because that would be weird.
That would be suspicious.
Right?
Instead, Luke waved a goodbye, intent on going back to Casey and Ali’s, maybe look over those confusing files one more exhausting time. He half-wished he could have Noah with him when he did it, he’d be good for finding clues, solutions to puzzles. He’d be able to look at the whole picture, see the issue. Luke wished he...
He definitely didn’t mean to conjure Noah right then and there with the half-wish. He didn’t. Not on purpose, at least. But there he was walking around the corner, and Luke couldn’t deny that rush, the way his heart thudded out of his chest at the sight of him. It was Noah. It would always be Noah.
Even if it wasn’t always them.
“Hey,” he called out, only kinda unsteady.
Noah looked up sharply from whatever stupid Important Work File he’d been reading. “Luke?” he still said it so completely thrown, like every time they saw each other was going to be a shock he wasn’t used to.
Not that Luke didn’t know the feeling or anything. “Hey,” he said again, really smiling this time, almost sheepish. “Fancy seeing you here.”
Noah glanced at Damian’s office, eyes wide and worried for not even half a second. “What are you doing here?”
“Getting my job back?” Luke shrugged. “I need some way to pay for a place to live.”
“You’re not staying with... Wait, you’re going to work here?” Noah took a step back into another hallway out of sight of Damian’s office. He rubbed a hand over his jaw, across his suddenly pale face.
Noah Mayer, never exactly the king of subtlety. “Is that going to be a problem?” he snapped, awkwardness forgotten in the face of his own defensiveness.
Noah hesitated, looking towards Damian’s office again. Luke frowned. What was up with that? “No, Luke,” he softened, hand coming up again, this time to fiddle with the knot of his tie. “No. It’s... it’s good that you’re, you know,” he shrugged.
“Not laying about like a spoiled brat this time around?” he finished, somewhere between joking and still defensive.
Noah’s lips quirked up, just a little. Just enough. “Something like that, yeah.”
Luke let out a laugh, the muscles in his neck and shoulders relaxing for the first time since stepping into the office earlier. “Hey. I’m maturing.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Noah was attempting to keep up, he really was, but something was off. His eyes shifted to Damian’s office once more, his hand still adjust and tugging on his tie.
And they were standing so close, and Noah was smiling, and he still... he still smelled the same. Luke reacted out of instinct, muscle memory, that’s what it was. That’s all it was. That’s why he reached out, batted Noah’s hand away, and started fixing the tie himself. “You’re going to strangle yourself if you’re not-”
He stopped. Noah’s hand was frozen where he’d moved it away, lightly brushing against Luke’s wrist. But that wasn’t what had stopped him. Noah was staring at him, eyes wide, face even more pale than before. It was like he wasn’t even breathing.
Luke froze too, which unfortunately meant his hands were set at Noah’s chest, grazing shirt and skin and-
Noah’s whole body flinched then, sliding more than pushing away from him. Luke still felt the cold, the absence, immediately. He lowered his arms slowly, dazed. Had he really just...? And did Noah...?
“I’m sorry,” Luke croaked out, unable to look at him. He stared at his hands, his stupid, traitorous hands, instead. “Sorry.” He wasn’t sure if he actually was, but Noah obviously wasn’t happy about this. Three years, Luke. He’s moved on. He never once mentioned himself when he yelled about what you left behind. He took himself out of this equation. Respect that. You’ve put him through enough.
Noah wasn’t looking at him either. “No, it’s-” He let his hands drop, smoothing down his shirt. Luke actually ached, watching the movement, remember when he’d do that to Luke’s bare skin, gliding down-
Luke didn’t even hear whatever platitudes Noah was probably giving him. As pale as he was, Luke knew his own face was just getting redder and redder. Totally, royally. Screwed. Up.
And now they worked together. Wonderful.
( CONTINUE TO CHAPTER 3)