Why Mornings Are Hard And I Am A Whiner
A) They just are.
B) Now there is fallish weather and rain and bed is so cozy and warm.
C) I'm not getting enough sleep.
D) Stressful time at work = Major Avoidance
E) Did I mention the rain?
F) Morning Television
I think my last reason is the saddest. I actually really dislike morning programs, but at the same time I often watch 5 or 10 minutes in the morning with a kind of sick fascination. Usually we just turn on the local weather channel to check the forecast and then switch it to BBC America for the news. But usually after M leaves for work in the morning, I switch it back to the AM shows. Generally I have a specific reason - today I wanted to hear something about the Canadian college shooting incident since I was out last night and didn't watch the news. Instead of learning anything substantive, I got to see an interview with a student that basically consisted of, "He shot people; it was scary." I also saw on the scrolly thing at the bottom that Ann Richards had died, but I missed any actual reporting on it. Honestly, that should've been a major story. Then I left it on as I was showering and when I went back in front of the tv as I was putting on my shoes to leave there was a story about mean teenage girls and the hurtful things they do. Which I couldn't look away from. Apparently this one girl and her friends teased one boy so much he eventually committed suicide. How awful is that?
I've been pretty reflective lately about my school years. Mostly high school, but all of it really. Mostly I've been mentally cataloguing all the mistakes I feel that I've made in my life so that makes for positive thinking, no? But this morning I thought about grade school and how mean we were. I was in with a group of girls who were occasionally really awful to people. And although I didn't usually participate (although I'm sure sometimes I did) I didn't stop it either. Only once did I stand up for someone, out of 3 or 4 years of our awful behavior. I've always felt guilty about that and I always should. I didn't want to speak out because I didn't want them to turn on me and that cowardice is shaming.
Luckily in junior high and high school I found new friends and people with whom I connected better. I also stayed on good terms with the people I'd known through grade school, who honestly weren't and aren't bad people, just nice kids who made poor choices.
I find it really weird that through my sad little myspace stalkery I've found some of the people I went to high school with and they all have stayed in touch with each other all these years. I'm still friends with a few people that I've known for a really long time, but mostly they are long term known-since-birth friends. There are also several people I would really like to know still but I don't know how to contact them or track them down since so many of us have scattered all over the country. It kind of makes me feel weird, like am I missing something or am I less friendly than other people because I haven't kept up these grade school and high school connections.
Perhaps it IS cold of me that I've discovered over the past few years that there is no need for me to keep in touch with people I'm friends with only through circumstance. Like people I went to high school with and was on friendly terms with. Really, we don't have much in common, I've moved to the other side of the country and then some. I like them and I hope they like me but why should we still talk when there's nothing to talk about? When I moved back home briefly after college, I met up with a past friend and we hung out and went to a movie. And it was really awkward, because our lives had taken different directions and other than gossiping about our former classmates and catching up we didn't have any thing to talk about after that. I felt bad at the time, like it was my fault.
It's the same with past coworkers. I wish them well, but we were friends because we worked together and wanted lunch dates and happy hour companions, but really what did I mean to them? One friend in particular stands out. We went to lunch and coffee breaks together often. We had dinner every once in a while. But I don't know if she really liked me and I don't think she really ever thought about whether she liked me or not, I was just there. She thought I was weird for not having cable and reading incessently and going to soccer games and drinking beer and the list just continues. If we met in a purely social setting as friends of friends or what not, she wouldn't have pursued any kind of friendship, I'm sure of that. But still I heard that when I married almost 3 years after leaving that job and after no contact from her in all of that time, she was hurt I didn't invite her to the wedding.
So, after a long and rambling and not-staying-on-one-topic post, let me conclude with the following: waking up is yucky and people are weird.
B) Now there is fallish weather and rain and bed is so cozy and warm.
C) I'm not getting enough sleep.
D) Stressful time at work = Major Avoidance
E) Did I mention the rain?
F) Morning Television
I think my last reason is the saddest. I actually really dislike morning programs, but at the same time I often watch 5 or 10 minutes in the morning with a kind of sick fascination. Usually we just turn on the local weather channel to check the forecast and then switch it to BBC America for the news. But usually after M leaves for work in the morning, I switch it back to the AM shows. Generally I have a specific reason - today I wanted to hear something about the Canadian college shooting incident since I was out last night and didn't watch the news. Instead of learning anything substantive, I got to see an interview with a student that basically consisted of, "He shot people; it was scary." I also saw on the scrolly thing at the bottom that Ann Richards had died, but I missed any actual reporting on it. Honestly, that should've been a major story. Then I left it on as I was showering and when I went back in front of the tv as I was putting on my shoes to leave there was a story about mean teenage girls and the hurtful things they do. Which I couldn't look away from. Apparently this one girl and her friends teased one boy so much he eventually committed suicide. How awful is that?
I've been pretty reflective lately about my school years. Mostly high school, but all of it really. Mostly I've been mentally cataloguing all the mistakes I feel that I've made in my life so that makes for positive thinking, no? But this morning I thought about grade school and how mean we were. I was in with a group of girls who were occasionally really awful to people. And although I didn't usually participate (although I'm sure sometimes I did) I didn't stop it either. Only once did I stand up for someone, out of 3 or 4 years of our awful behavior. I've always felt guilty about that and I always should. I didn't want to speak out because I didn't want them to turn on me and that cowardice is shaming.
Luckily in junior high and high school I found new friends and people with whom I connected better. I also stayed on good terms with the people I'd known through grade school, who honestly weren't and aren't bad people, just nice kids who made poor choices.
I find it really weird that through my sad little myspace stalkery I've found some of the people I went to high school with and they all have stayed in touch with each other all these years. I'm still friends with a few people that I've known for a really long time, but mostly they are long term known-since-birth friends. There are also several people I would really like to know still but I don't know how to contact them or track them down since so many of us have scattered all over the country. It kind of makes me feel weird, like am I missing something or am I less friendly than other people because I haven't kept up these grade school and high school connections.
Perhaps it IS cold of me that I've discovered over the past few years that there is no need for me to keep in touch with people I'm friends with only through circumstance. Like people I went to high school with and was on friendly terms with. Really, we don't have much in common, I've moved to the other side of the country and then some. I like them and I hope they like me but why should we still talk when there's nothing to talk about? When I moved back home briefly after college, I met up with a past friend and we hung out and went to a movie. And it was really awkward, because our lives had taken different directions and other than gossiping about our former classmates and catching up we didn't have any thing to talk about after that. I felt bad at the time, like it was my fault.
It's the same with past coworkers. I wish them well, but we were friends because we worked together and wanted lunch dates and happy hour companions, but really what did I mean to them? One friend in particular stands out. We went to lunch and coffee breaks together often. We had dinner every once in a while. But I don't know if she really liked me and I don't think she really ever thought about whether she liked me or not, I was just there. She thought I was weird for not having cable and reading incessently and going to soccer games and drinking beer and the list just continues. If we met in a purely social setting as friends of friends or what not, she wouldn't have pursued any kind of friendship, I'm sure of that. But still I heard that when I married almost 3 years after leaving that job and after no contact from her in all of that time, she was hurt I didn't invite her to the wedding.
So, after a long and rambling and not-staying-on-one-topic post, let me conclude with the following: waking up is yucky and people are weird.