Post-assault update
So, things have been extremely busy lately but I figured I would try to provide some updates on the situation. (I have been under so much stress trying to deal with this and everything else that I had about five or six ulcers in my mouth for days. Painful as hell.)
First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on the last entry. I also appreciate the e-mails I received from a couple of you. Thank you to everyone who did not need to twice before believing me and who were concerned for my safety. At a time where I have just lost my best friend and have no one else in the city to go to, I appreciate all the support coming from everyone online.
Someone called the police that night. Sure, this was the right thing to do, but it was the wrong time to do it. It was not what I wanted right then for one main reason: if the police were going to be called, I wanted someone to be there with me just in case my father lost it again and tried to hurt me after the police left. I honestly expected my aunt to come rushing over, but she had to let me go shortly after I called because she had a massage appointment. Anyway, the police showed up and one officer came into my room to talk to me. I was pretty disgusted by his lack of sympathy and understanding. He made it out to be my fault, as if I had done something to provoke him and deserved what I got. He also said that it would have been legal had a been younger and had it been a parent-child punishment situation. Lovely. He also said to my father on the way out the door, "If you two can't get along, you should kick her out." No, really, a direct quote there. My father did come in and tell me to start looking for a new place to live, but nothing has come of that. He asked me if I wanted to press charges, and I declined to save myself from homelessness. I do not want to hear anyone tell me I should have; I was looking out for myself too. Although, if I did press charges, Social Services may have taken my situation more seriously. Perhaps I should have. I do know that he will be in jail if he even attempts to do this again. I have absolutely no problem with that. To my surprise, a lot of my family members gave me hell for involving the police (not that I am the one who involved them in the first place, but I was blamed). I was asked how I could call the police on my own father by several people, non-family too, and I did not even think their inquiries warrented an answer. What the hell is wrong with people? I should have called the police because he is family! I do not give a rat's ass who hits you or assaults you--assault and physical abuse is illegal, and that is the end of it. How many criminals do you think committmed crimes within their own families before committing crimes against strangers? Most of them, if not all. Anyway, the police were no help and offered me no solutions, so it was useless to have them involved, as I expected. I have had previous experience with police trying to blame me (multiple times) in situations where I was clearly the victim of a man's brutality, harassment or assault.
After the incident, I decided to stay at my aunt's for a few days. I did not stay with my boyfriend because we have too many communication problems for me to just 'move in' temporarily. Some of those issues even came up Thursday night and reminded me that I could not go from one negative situation to the next. He was too pissed off at my father and some of that anger was being taken out on me. I am home now and things are awkward and nightmare-ish. My father and I have not spoken two words to each other, and it is clear we are both avoiding each other like the plague. I have been eating my meals in my room because I refuse to sit with him at the dinner table. I even try to eat after he goes to bed just so I will not have to even see him when I pass through the living room. We still have to share the bathroom some mornings, which is just excruciating. He acts like I am completely in his way; sharing was never a quality he possessed. It is like having a roommate you despise, really. He is here every evening, and so am I, but I stay in my room and basically only come out for food and showers. It is extremely hard living with someone you completely despise, but as I have learned, I may just have to suck it up for the rest of the year and deal with it.
So, what are my alternative options? I was looking into bunk dorms at my university for $20/night, but I was warned that they are dirty and noisy, and you may have drunk people coming in at 3a.m. since the bunk dorm's main purpose is to decrease drinking and driving. Despite the upsides such as being close to campus, you can only stay there a limited number of days. Unfortunately, my aunt's or grandmother's would just be a temporary solution as well. I cannot move in with either of them, and I cannot be that far away from my university for the rest of the year. Social Services could provide me with an apartment guaranteed not to go up in rent, but it would still be $750/month for a bachelor. I would still also need money for groceries, utilities, clothing, and other necessities. There is no way to get out of this place without getting a job, and there is no way to get a job without dropping courses (for part-time job) or dropping out (for a full-time job). Courses, by the way, which are already paid for and passed the drop deadline. These days, no one gets a free ride, temporary or not, even if they are in school full time proving they want to do something with their life. It is a sad reality.
Has my father said anything about all of this? My father has decided to lie about the entire story and so there are some family members who are not on my side. According to him, he grabbed me because he thought I was going to hit him. Two problems with this: I would never raise my hand to anything or anyone, and also, I am not a complete idiot who would raise her hand to someone twice her size with no protection. I also had a glass in my right hand, which I mentioned, so how would I hit someone with a glass in my hand? There are many holes in that lie. He also left out the other half the story! He failed to tell people about chasing me, grabbing me by the neck, slamming me against the wall, screaming at me to fight him, and calling me a stupid bitch. He honestly left that entire part of the story out and just left it at grabbing my wrists in the kitchen "in self-defense." He told this story to my uncle, and so my uncle is on his side. One of my aunt's is also on his side because she believes domestic violence is an acceptable way to treat your children. Her husband used to beat her son when he was three years old, and because this kid apparently hit her husband first, the kid "deserved it." I have basically written her off as completely fucked up and I have no respect for her. I never really did, but this was just the last straw. She thinks this was a one-time deal, he just lost his cool, and that all families fight (verbally and physically), and that it is completely normal. This, by the way, is the same aunt who my dad used to smack around when they were young.
My grandmother had a talk with him and as I said, he gave her the "it was self-defense" story. He also believes, even now, that he did nothing wrong. Perhaps a black eye would have made it wrong? A broken limb? Maybe nothing? Maybe he believes it is okay to assault people who piss him off. My grandmother asked if he would ever treat his girlfriend that way if they got into an argument and he said 'yes.' What a crock of shit. And hey, if it is not, I feel sorry for her. No one knows whether he told her about what happened, but if he did, he gave her the same story he has been giving everyone else. So I am sure his girlfriend does not care about hearing my side and is just going to stay with him without a second thought. This situation has shown me just how truly stupid human beings can be.
I have also had a few people in my family tell me to apologize (mainly my uncle because he refused to listen to my side of the story, probably because he was also beaten as a child by his father and does not want to believe my dad is just like him). Some people believe that we were both at fault and that we both need to apologize to each other. This baffles me. There is no way in hell I would ever apologize to that man, ever. I have no idea what kind of crack these people are smoking, but I do not owe him an apology and he will not get one. Regardless of what I did, I did not deserve to be assaulted. All I did was tell him to calm down and lower his voice, nothing more. That is not being "mouthy," as he has described it. That was just me remembering we have neighbours and thinking he getting to the level of 'fucking psychotic' over bus tickets. I saw him getting violent even before it happened because he was just going crazy screaming, swearing and pounding his fists on the table. I should have gotten the hell out of there when the screaming started.
I am sick of being told what I did wrong in this situaton because I did the best I could. I did what I was able to at the time, and I am doing what I am able to now. I was also bitched out by several non-family members for deciding to stay at home and not do something drastic like drop out of school and move out. What the fuck? People need to take into consideration this: the more I postpone school, the longer I will be living under this roof. What I need to do and what is best for me right now is to finish school so I can get the hell out of here. I am in my last year, I am close to graduating, and then I will be on my own. It is that simple. Anyone who believes otherwise is entitled to their opinion, but I am doing what is best for me by finishing school. School is the most important thing to me, and I will not drop courses (and lose thousands of dollars) or drop out and go back later. Not only are those stupid things to do, but that is also backing down and letting my father win. I will not continue to be a victim here and I will continue my studies and successfully graduate, despite what happened. End of story.
My mood has gone from hurt and scared to hostile and furious. I guess that is good news, that I am moving into the expected phases after trauma. The first four or five days after this happened, I was a complete mess. I was confused and terrified it would happen again. I was also having more problems with the best friend issue, I had people who were being unsupportive, and I was crying non-stop. Now, I have come to my senses. Despite my utter fear while I was being assaulted, I was fighting back. And I need to remember that. I need to remember that I had the courage to fight back and that I did not just sit there and take it, nor did I ever blame myself for what happened. I was pushing him and hitting him, trying to get him off of me. Throughout this, my strength has been questioned by several people, including myself. I had people comparing me to a battered wife simply because I was too scared to leave my bedroom the night this happened. Gee, how silly of me to be scared. If someone had offered to pick me up, perhaps I would have left right away. But no one did. Everyone just expected me to pack my bags and walk out the door with him still out there, fuming mad, without any kind of 'plan' or place to go. The point is, I do not blame myself for this situation and I did not do anything wrong, during the assault or how I have handled it.
Overall, this situation has proven to me that my father will never change. He thinks what he did was okay (he said this to me and all the family members he talked to), but what is even more obvious is that our relationship will never improve. Even while we were in family counselling (which, by the way, I initiated and forced on him), he refused to admit any part of this relationship's dynfunction was his fault. I have constantly beem blamed for everything that goes wrong, every argument, every situation. People in my family especially need to start acknowleding the reason we have not worked out our problems: my father. According to him, he is the perfect man and the perfect father. He outright lies to me, to my family, and obviously to himself. He needs help. He needs counselling for his anger and his denial. I obviously have my own faults and have sometimes crossed lines I should not have, but the reason this relationship has not gotten better and never will is because of him, plain and simple. I have tried, I have put in effort, and I have even attempted to talk things out. But he sits there quietly and offers no input other than "that's bullshit" or "you're full of shit" every few sentences. He will outright deny things has has done or said, or things that I have done to try and make things better (such as doing him favours or making sure I clean up after myself). Many parental-offspring relationship get better when the offsping move out, but ours will not. If has has not changed by now, or even just attempted with some effort, he never will. He has done too many things to me that I will never be able to forgive him for, the main things being all of the emotional/verbal abuse which has been constant, allowing my alcoholic uncle to live here for over a year despite my protests and fear for my own safety, and being so heartless when it comes to my mother's death and saying horrible things about her (e.g. "You're a bitch just like your mother" or "You're lucky there are men out there who will date you"). I had little faith before that we would eventually work things out, but this was just the nail in the coffin. And that is a good image because that is what this relationship is: dead.
I guess this is all the ranting I can do for now. I have been exhausted lately trying to keep up with my school work, dealing with the fallout with my best friend, trying to get over the assault, and dealing with my relationship. There is too much going on right now and I cannot handle it all. I am on a waiting list for a counselor at my university, which I should be seeing in late November or January after winter break.