pfff
gosh, I've been neglecting this place bg time! again.... XD And I failed the 30 days of pictures -survey-thingie as well -___-;; arararrrrr
Ah well, a lot of things has happened... Some bad things, but also good things. Bad things first~
Last week I did something very stupid because my depression has got very bad. Perhaps worse than ever. I'm not gonna tell any details but the thing I did, hurt so much the people that are close to me... only 4 of them know about it, atleast I hope so... Anyway, my bf was the worst... He was so devastated and hurt, but also worried. When I saw him like that, I decided that I will NEVER want to hurt him like that again. Never.
For three years I've been struggling with this shit, and I have so much anger inside me. I've hated the people who have hurt me so much, that sometimes I even start planning that HOW could I rin their lives completely without getting caught?!? But now, it's starting to get different. I've got tired of being angry at other people, now, I just hate myself. I see myself as a burden for other people, I see myself as a terrible person who doesn't deserve to be treatd well. Who doesn't deserve to live.
Marko pampers me all the time... He keeps buying me lovely things and pays my food at the restaurants... I love him so much and I'm so thankful that I have a man like that, but at the same time, I feel like I don't deserve it. Every single good moment we have (and we have a lot of them <3) are wonderful, but I'm also scared. Afraid that the good dream ends. That the lovely movie ends in the middle of anything... It's terrible to think like this and it break my heart...
I just want to be happy. I want to stop worrying about stuff, I want to get rid of my trust issues and of my jealousy. If I don't, they will destroy this lovely relationship, just like they did with the previous one....
bleh... let's go to the good things now...
Last week when I was in the hospital because of my "little attack", the nurses/doctors/whatever organized help for me. I met my psychiatric nurse yesterday, and when the session was over, I felt relieved. I felt like this could be a treatment that could actually WORK. This is not just some psychologist talking shit, but in addition for that, I get some "homework" for handling myself if I get agitated and depressed. So the homework she gave me yesterday are that from this day forward:
1. I'm not allowed to take naps anymore.
2. When I start to feel agitated, I'll write my thought on a paper, no matter how terrible and sick they are.
About the naps: I tend to sleep when I feel sad, just to get out from this world. Usually my naps are atleast 3 hours long, which is way too much.
I usually get agitated and terrible thoughts when I'm alone and I'm not able to see Marko for example. So now, I just have to learn to be alone, and write down the thoughts...
I really hope these things work... >__<
Me and Marko have planned a trip to Lapland this summer <3 My first reaction to Marko's "You know what? We should go to Lapland this summer!" was "ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?" XDDD Seriously, can you guys imagine ME wandering and sleeping in a tent!?!? Totally not my thing... BUT! When I really started to think about it, it would be really cool o__O To be in the middle of nowhere, without any distraction, see the nature and cute animals, and have some good time with my baby <3
We decided that if we go there, we'll REALLY go there!!! By this I mean that we will go very far away. If we look at Finland's map, it looks like a woman. Our plan was to go either to the "head" or to the "arm". We ended up going to Enontekiö, which is the arm. Here's a map to clear my text XDDD
I hope it's gonna be wonderful <3
Other thing I'm really excited about, is that I'm gonna get a pet!!! *____* well, TWO actually <3 You know which animals?
RATS <3<3<3
Yes, I'm gonna buy two baby rats after the summer!! I'm sooo excited! I think that a pet would cheer me up a lot, and I wouldn't have to be alone so much. Marko needs pretty much lonetime, and I can't be alone, so atleast I won't be bothering him 24/7 wanymore then XDDD
hihihi. so here's what's up with me :D
OH AND!!! Nöpö (my family's cat) has turned 13 today!!! What an old lady <3<3<3
Happy birthday cutie *___*<3<3<3
Ah well, a lot of things has happened... Some bad things, but also good things. Bad things first~
Last week I did something very stupid because my depression has got very bad. Perhaps worse than ever. I'm not gonna tell any details but the thing I did, hurt so much the people that are close to me... only 4 of them know about it, atleast I hope so... Anyway, my bf was the worst... He was so devastated and hurt, but also worried. When I saw him like that, I decided that I will NEVER want to hurt him like that again. Never.
For three years I've been struggling with this shit, and I have so much anger inside me. I've hated the people who have hurt me so much, that sometimes I even start planning that HOW could I rin their lives completely without getting caught?!? But now, it's starting to get different. I've got tired of being angry at other people, now, I just hate myself. I see myself as a burden for other people, I see myself as a terrible person who doesn't deserve to be treatd well. Who doesn't deserve to live.
Marko pampers me all the time... He keeps buying me lovely things and pays my food at the restaurants... I love him so much and I'm so thankful that I have a man like that, but at the same time, I feel like I don't deserve it. Every single good moment we have (and we have a lot of them <3) are wonderful, but I'm also scared. Afraid that the good dream ends. That the lovely movie ends in the middle of anything... It's terrible to think like this and it break my heart...
I just want to be happy. I want to stop worrying about stuff, I want to get rid of my trust issues and of my jealousy. If I don't, they will destroy this lovely relationship, just like they did with the previous one....
bleh... let's go to the good things now...
Last week when I was in the hospital because of my "little attack", the nurses/doctors/whatever organized help for me. I met my psychiatric nurse yesterday, and when the session was over, I felt relieved. I felt like this could be a treatment that could actually WORK. This is not just some psychologist talking shit, but in addition for that, I get some "homework" for handling myself if I get agitated and depressed. So the homework she gave me yesterday are that from this day forward:
1. I'm not allowed to take naps anymore.
2. When I start to feel agitated, I'll write my thought on a paper, no matter how terrible and sick they are.
About the naps: I tend to sleep when I feel sad, just to get out from this world. Usually my naps are atleast 3 hours long, which is way too much.
I usually get agitated and terrible thoughts when I'm alone and I'm not able to see Marko for example. So now, I just have to learn to be alone, and write down the thoughts...
I really hope these things work... >__<
Me and Marko have planned a trip to Lapland this summer <3 My first reaction to Marko's "You know what? We should go to Lapland this summer!" was "ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?" XDDD Seriously, can you guys imagine ME wandering and sleeping in a tent!?!? Totally not my thing... BUT! When I really started to think about it, it would be really cool o__O To be in the middle of nowhere, without any distraction, see the nature and cute animals, and have some good time with my baby <3
We decided that if we go there, we'll REALLY go there!!! By this I mean that we will go very far away. If we look at Finland's map, it looks like a woman. Our plan was to go either to the "head" or to the "arm". We ended up going to Enontekiö, which is the arm. Here's a map to clear my text XDDD
I hope it's gonna be wonderful <3
Other thing I'm really excited about, is that I'm gonna get a pet!!! *____* well, TWO actually <3 You know which animals?
RATS <3<3<3
Yes, I'm gonna buy two baby rats after the summer!! I'm sooo excited! I think that a pet would cheer me up a lot, and I wouldn't have to be alone so much. Marko needs pretty much lonetime, and I can't be alone, so atleast I won't be bothering him 24/7 wanymore then XDDD
hihihi. so here's what's up with me :D
OH AND!!! Nöpö (my family's cat) has turned 13 today!!! What an old lady <3<3<3
Happy birthday cutie *___*<3<3<3