Psycho-analyzing myself
I wish that, just for one day, I could be completely & utterly confident. I'm sick and tired of being nervous all the time about events that will never even happen. I'm always afraid of making a fool out of myself, of someone not liking me or thinking I'm stupid. Sometimes I will have a few shining moments where I feel really good about myself, but most of the time I am just anxious. I worry worry worry that I will make a mistake. But what's so bad about making a mistake? That's part of life, of being human, right? There have been many things I have done that have been considered "mistakes" that turned out perfectly alright in the end, sometimes turned out even for the better. So who cares? Who even notices?
I guess what brings this up is the fact that I started my job this week. Everything is going smoothly, better than ideal really. And yet I still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm just not good enough. I don't want my shyness and insecurity to get in the way of this. It has kept me from doing things in the past that would have really made me happy, if only I could have just made myself get through those first stages of uncertainty.
I remember trying out for the musical in 11th grade. There was alot of competition and I didn't have the dance training that most of the other girls had. Sure, I was in cheerleading for half my life, so I had experience with learning routines and had a basic sense of rhythm. The acting part didn't unnerve me a bit. The singing... well, I knew I had the ability but had the tendency to get shaky and clam up when I had to sing by myself in front of others (god, I still get like that even with karaoke). I passed the singing audition and was called back to do the dance portion. We had to learn this Latin routine and then perform it before the judges without any time to practice it on our own beforehand...
The choreographer began the instruction and from the very first move, I began to panic. I couldn't focus on what she was saying because all I could see was that the other girls were doing it with such style and such grace. I felt clumsy and fat in comparison, and that's all I could think about. My head was going in overdrive saying "Oh my God, everyone can see how bad you are doing...you will completely flop and they will be laughing behind your back and all your friends will make it but YOU WON'T just because you are NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" I started to become sick to my stomach and I wanted to bail. So instead of asking someone to help me, instead of trying my best to practice the routine in what little time I had, I started thinking of ways to get out of it. What can I say so people won't think I'm psycho for calling my dad to pick me up right now?
I told my friend that I had come down with the flu that morning. That I was trying to do the dance but my body was so weak that there was no way I could stay standing, let alone do this dance. That I needed to go home and maybe the director would take pity on me and just let me move on to the acting portion. I ran out of there holding back tears, feeling like a pathetic little baby and a total failure. I hadn't even tried. I just.... gave up.
Of course, by not completing the dance audition, there was no way the director would cast me in the musical. And then the next year, I didn't even try out for the musical at all because I was so afraid of dancing at the audition. I made up excuses to all my friends that I was "too busy" to be in the musical. Yeah right. I would have given anything to be in Grease that year. Anything except for my damn stupid pride. I just couldn't stand to put myself out there and risk being rejected. I watched my friends onstage having so much fun, congratulated them with full sincerity, and went home & cried. Maybe I could have done that too, if I had just had the guts.
Regret is the WORST feeling. I know this, and yet, I can think of a hundred instances where I did this sort of thing. Many times I held back my true feelings for a boy because he was a friend, and I was unsure of whether the feelings were reciprocated. Many times I picked up the phone to call someone I wanted to see, but put it back down again because what if they didn't really want to see me? Wouldn't they have called me if they wanted to see me?
This real estate endeavor scares the shit out of me. I have to be honest. I know that it will mean meeting a ton of new people, and making phonecalls to people I barely know, and working with people who know a thousand times more than me about real estate, and being responsible for deals that involve people's money and their dreams. The company is investing alot of money and time grooming me to be successful. Matt is relying on me to help relieve some of the financial pressure. We have a $700 house payment that we never had to worry about before. And I am a 22 year old girl who is trying to break into one of the most cut-throat nastiest businesses out there. Yeah, I have my doubts.
But I need to push through all my fear. I need to stop my negative thoughts. They wouldn't be investing in me if they didn't think I was a good investment, right? They can believe in me, my family can believe in me, Matt can believe in me... so now I just need to work on believing in myself. I can't waste my thoughts on all the what-ifs. Some things will go smoothly and some things won't. Some people will like me and some people won't. That's just the way it is! Deal with it! If I can be so forgiving with others, why can't I be forgiving with myself?
Perfect DOES NOT EXIST.
I guess what brings this up is the fact that I started my job this week. Everything is going smoothly, better than ideal really. And yet I still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm just not good enough. I don't want my shyness and insecurity to get in the way of this. It has kept me from doing things in the past that would have really made me happy, if only I could have just made myself get through those first stages of uncertainty.
I remember trying out for the musical in 11th grade. There was alot of competition and I didn't have the dance training that most of the other girls had. Sure, I was in cheerleading for half my life, so I had experience with learning routines and had a basic sense of rhythm. The acting part didn't unnerve me a bit. The singing... well, I knew I had the ability but had the tendency to get shaky and clam up when I had to sing by myself in front of others (god, I still get like that even with karaoke). I passed the singing audition and was called back to do the dance portion. We had to learn this Latin routine and then perform it before the judges without any time to practice it on our own beforehand...
The choreographer began the instruction and from the very first move, I began to panic. I couldn't focus on what she was saying because all I could see was that the other girls were doing it with such style and such grace. I felt clumsy and fat in comparison, and that's all I could think about. My head was going in overdrive saying "Oh my God, everyone can see how bad you are doing...you will completely flop and they will be laughing behind your back and all your friends will make it but YOU WON'T just because you are NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" I started to become sick to my stomach and I wanted to bail. So instead of asking someone to help me, instead of trying my best to practice the routine in what little time I had, I started thinking of ways to get out of it. What can I say so people won't think I'm psycho for calling my dad to pick me up right now?
I told my friend that I had come down with the flu that morning. That I was trying to do the dance but my body was so weak that there was no way I could stay standing, let alone do this dance. That I needed to go home and maybe the director would take pity on me and just let me move on to the acting portion. I ran out of there holding back tears, feeling like a pathetic little baby and a total failure. I hadn't even tried. I just.... gave up.
Of course, by not completing the dance audition, there was no way the director would cast me in the musical. And then the next year, I didn't even try out for the musical at all because I was so afraid of dancing at the audition. I made up excuses to all my friends that I was "too busy" to be in the musical. Yeah right. I would have given anything to be in Grease that year. Anything except for my damn stupid pride. I just couldn't stand to put myself out there and risk being rejected. I watched my friends onstage having so much fun, congratulated them with full sincerity, and went home & cried. Maybe I could have done that too, if I had just had the guts.
Regret is the WORST feeling. I know this, and yet, I can think of a hundred instances where I did this sort of thing. Many times I held back my true feelings for a boy because he was a friend, and I was unsure of whether the feelings were reciprocated. Many times I picked up the phone to call someone I wanted to see, but put it back down again because what if they didn't really want to see me? Wouldn't they have called me if they wanted to see me?
This real estate endeavor scares the shit out of me. I have to be honest. I know that it will mean meeting a ton of new people, and making phonecalls to people I barely know, and working with people who know a thousand times more than me about real estate, and being responsible for deals that involve people's money and their dreams. The company is investing alot of money and time grooming me to be successful. Matt is relying on me to help relieve some of the financial pressure. We have a $700 house payment that we never had to worry about before. And I am a 22 year old girl who is trying to break into one of the most cut-throat nastiest businesses out there. Yeah, I have my doubts.
But I need to push through all my fear. I need to stop my negative thoughts. They wouldn't be investing in me if they didn't think I was a good investment, right? They can believe in me, my family can believe in me, Matt can believe in me... so now I just need to work on believing in myself. I can't waste my thoughts on all the what-ifs. Some things will go smoothly and some things won't. Some people will like me and some people won't. That's just the way it is! Deal with it! If I can be so forgiving with others, why can't I be forgiving with myself?
Perfect DOES NOT EXIST.