OMG AWESOME ORLISLE COPSE DRUNKEN RAMBLING
In the first 5 seconds it's clear that this show is going to rock!
OMG says the others!!!!
(Honest Porcupine's manpanion momentarily took over the keyboard.)
It's Election Night, everyone! So we, responsible Americans that we are, are watching US Life on Mars. Here, for your reading pleasure, are our reactions.
HPM: (starts video)
HP: This is horrible.
Me (Compiler): OMG, look at sexy Daniel Craig on the cover of your Entertainment Weekly. [Clearly, I am already transfixed by US LoM. Also, I may already be drunk.]
Me (Compiler): I hate this show, too.
HP: OMG, I hate this. They are not in a car really in New York.
Me (Compiler): I can't handle there not being British accents.
HP: I can't handle anything about this.
Me: He is like the worst driver ever.
HP: This is ridiculous. I hate this show.
HPM: Old lady hitter!
Me: This music's horrible. Is he wearing, like, a waistcoat?
HP: No, he's wearing a bulletproof vest. And they missed the whole point.
(Maya reads journal entry.)
Me: They left out the great line!
HP: And they had her say it!
(HP begins crying.)
HP: This is not okay.
Me: I don't think his American accent is that good.
HP: No, it's really flat. And that's not just him, it's most of them that try to do it, but still...
HPM: Ooh, twins. [Yes, he seized upon the one semi-sexual thing that has been said so far.]
(Fake Sam tries to look sad.)
Me: Oh my God, that might be the worst acting I've ever seen in my life.
(David Bowie's "Life on Mars" starts up.)
Me: Yeah, I can't handle this.
(Fake Sam gets hit by a car.)
HP (triumphantly): I hate you! And I hate this show.
(We watch the pivotal sequence of the series.)
HP: That was weak. And even in '73, I don't think New York looked like that.
(We watch the mobile conversation, only with "cell" instead.)
Me: That hurts.
(Fake Sam sees the World Trade Center.)
HP: This is so bad.
(Fake theme non-plays.)
Me: I miss the theme.
(HP weeps some more.)
(HPM dances to the music.)
HP: Way to steal shots directly from the original, guys. Nice.
HPM: You're very quiet over there, Compiler. How are you feeling? Horrified?
Me: A little bit, yeah. I miss the real show.
HP: I'm really offended they kept Hyde, too.
Me: Oh, my God, they're all the worst actors I've ever seen.
HP: They really are.
(Fake Gene walks out. With a ridiculous Oriental fan.)
(There is general shouting from us.)
HP: Gene Hunt just wet his pants. There are no words for the utter contempt I have for this show. Look at him trying to be John Simm here. He's no John Simm. You, sir, are no John Simm!
(Fake Sam tries to call Maya.)
HP: That line is so much funnier with the Virgin line.
(Fake Sam has a little fit.)
HP: Oh. My. God.
Me: They are such bad actors.
HP: They are bad actors.
(Fake Annie shows up.)
Me: Is that supposed to be Annie?
HP: Yes.
HPM: (sing-songs) Annie!
HP: And they just changed names for no reason.
Me: Is that Gene Hunt?
HP: Yes.
Me: I don't like him.
HP: Also, when did Harvey Keitel get to be a hundred years old? And they're just giving random lines to random people. That was Chris's line. I hate you.
Me: Is he going to say his fingerprint line?
HP: I hope so. What? They're in the morgue already? They skipped! And they're still trying to film it like they filmed the originals, like the angles, but they're not doing it right. I'm not buying this at all.
Me: He didn't do the fingerprint line.
HP: Because they totally skipped that. They rearranged.
(Sam finds fabric.) (Actually, HP tells me it's fiber. Oh, wait, fibers. Also, I pronounced Maya as "Mayer." She says that is the sign I am drunk. Also, she is saying Orlisle Copse.) (She claims she's not.) (But she is.)
HP: That's it? He doesn't say anything about it? Seriously, Harvey Keitel is really old all of a sudden.
Me: I miss Phil Glenister.
HP: I never thought I would actually miss original Ray and original Ray's pornstache. But I do. Okay, you know what? Even in the 70s, I really don't believe people just stood out on the street like this.
(Annie says she unpacked his clothes.)
HPM: Wow.
HP: When? I really don't like her. And I hate him.
HPM: She's being cute.
Me: She's not being cute.
HP: Hey, you know what's awesome, though? I actually forgot that there's an election going on!
(Fake Sam once again tries to look sad.)
Me: Oh, my God, he's the worst actor.
HPM: He is pretty awful.
HP: They're all awful.
HPM: I'm trying to give this show the benefit of the doubt, but the only one working for me is the girl.
(Nelson shows up.)
Me: Where is Nelson?
HP: That is Nelson. The Irish bartender. Did Gene Hunt just drink a red wine?
HPM: No, it was an Irish coffee.
Me: As black as a blah blah blah.
HPM: Aw, they had a heart to heart.
HP: They also cut out a whole punch-out, too.
(HP goes to get a stuffed crocodile to cuddle.)
(Fake Sam talks to Fake Annie.)
Me: Is this supposed to be sexual tension?
HP: Something like that.
(Fake Sam gives the "my mind can only think up so much" speech.)
HP: He's just bad. Maybe he's better with his original accent. But with the American accent, he's just bad.
Me: I hate this show.
HP: Hey, what's going on with the election?
HPM: We'll find out after this episode.
HP: This episode will never be over.
HPM: Hey, I'm thinking that the original was better than this.
HP: Thank you.
HPM: No, I mean the original American version. Because Harvey Keitel is just unlikable, and they're focusing too much on Sam, who's just a bad actor.
HP: Also, I really resent him every time he's trying to copy John Simm's physical mannerisms. Please don't jump over the desk. Please don't.
(They jump over the desk).
HP: (groans)
Me: That was awful. There's, like, no chemistry between them at all.
HP: I had heard that, that later episodes would focus on his relationship with Ray because there's no chemistry. Also, the Cortina is almost nonexistent.
(Fake Sam chases his suspect.)
HP: See, they've already established that in 2008 he's a very physical person.
Me: They haven't done a good job establishing how 2008 Sam is different from 1973 Sam.
HP: Exactly. He's the same person, in a different outfit.
(There is a line about fruitbats at cranberry conventions.)
Me: What?
HP: What? I don't even understand what they're saying.
HPM: Crazier than a fruitbat at a cranberry convention.
HP: I actually understand the people with British accents better.
Me: I think it's because we watch so much British television.
(They show the twins.)
HP: There is no point to the twins thing.
HPM: Ask Annie to go get a drink.
(Fake Sam does not.)
HPM: He's still in love with Maya.
(Stuff happens. I am no longer really paying attention.)
HP: Oh, you're kidding me.
(There is a dramatic musical cue. Just thought I'd share that.)
(Fake Sam tries to look sad again.)
HP: (laughs) Oh, God, I hate this show. Please don't show us the twin towers again.
Me: What makes you more uncomfortable: the election, or U.S. Life on Mars?
HP: U.S. Life on Mars. Because I have hope we can win this election. But that show is awful.
(Fade to twin towers.)
OMG says the others!!!!
(Honest Porcupine's manpanion momentarily took over the keyboard.)
It's Election Night, everyone! So we, responsible Americans that we are, are watching US Life on Mars. Here, for your reading pleasure, are our reactions.
HPM: (starts video)
HP: This is horrible.
Me (Compiler): OMG, look at sexy Daniel Craig on the cover of your Entertainment Weekly. [Clearly, I am already transfixed by US LoM. Also, I may already be drunk.]
Me (Compiler): I hate this show, too.
HP: OMG, I hate this. They are not in a car really in New York.
Me (Compiler): I can't handle there not being British accents.
HP: I can't handle anything about this.
Me: He is like the worst driver ever.
HP: This is ridiculous. I hate this show.
HPM: Old lady hitter!
Me: This music's horrible. Is he wearing, like, a waistcoat?
HP: No, he's wearing a bulletproof vest. And they missed the whole point.
(Maya reads journal entry.)
Me: They left out the great line!
HP: And they had her say it!
(HP begins crying.)
HP: This is not okay.
Me: I don't think his American accent is that good.
HP: No, it's really flat. And that's not just him, it's most of them that try to do it, but still...
HPM: Ooh, twins. [Yes, he seized upon the one semi-sexual thing that has been said so far.]
(Fake Sam tries to look sad.)
Me: Oh my God, that might be the worst acting I've ever seen in my life.
(David Bowie's "Life on Mars" starts up.)
Me: Yeah, I can't handle this.
(Fake Sam gets hit by a car.)
HP (triumphantly): I hate you! And I hate this show.
(We watch the pivotal sequence of the series.)
HP: That was weak. And even in '73, I don't think New York looked like that.
(We watch the mobile conversation, only with "cell" instead.)
Me: That hurts.
(Fake Sam sees the World Trade Center.)
HP: This is so bad.
(Fake theme non-plays.)
Me: I miss the theme.
(HP weeps some more.)
(HPM dances to the music.)
HP: Way to steal shots directly from the original, guys. Nice.
HPM: You're very quiet over there, Compiler. How are you feeling? Horrified?
Me: A little bit, yeah. I miss the real show.
HP: I'm really offended they kept Hyde, too.
Me: Oh, my God, they're all the worst actors I've ever seen.
HP: They really are.
(Fake Gene walks out. With a ridiculous Oriental fan.)
(There is general shouting from us.)
HP: Gene Hunt just wet his pants. There are no words for the utter contempt I have for this show. Look at him trying to be John Simm here. He's no John Simm. You, sir, are no John Simm!
(Fake Sam tries to call Maya.)
HP: That line is so much funnier with the Virgin line.
(Fake Sam has a little fit.)
HP: Oh. My. God.
Me: They are such bad actors.
HP: They are bad actors.
(Fake Annie shows up.)
Me: Is that supposed to be Annie?
HP: Yes.
HPM: (sing-songs) Annie!
HP: And they just changed names for no reason.
Me: Is that Gene Hunt?
HP: Yes.
Me: I don't like him.
HP: Also, when did Harvey Keitel get to be a hundred years old? And they're just giving random lines to random people. That was Chris's line. I hate you.
Me: Is he going to say his fingerprint line?
HP: I hope so. What? They're in the morgue already? They skipped! And they're still trying to film it like they filmed the originals, like the angles, but they're not doing it right. I'm not buying this at all.
Me: He didn't do the fingerprint line.
HP: Because they totally skipped that. They rearranged.
(Sam finds fabric.) (Actually, HP tells me it's fiber. Oh, wait, fibers. Also, I pronounced Maya as "Mayer." She says that is the sign I am drunk. Also, she is saying Orlisle Copse.) (She claims she's not.) (But she is.)
HP: That's it? He doesn't say anything about it? Seriously, Harvey Keitel is really old all of a sudden.
Me: I miss Phil Glenister.
HP: I never thought I would actually miss original Ray and original Ray's pornstache. But I do. Okay, you know what? Even in the 70s, I really don't believe people just stood out on the street like this.
(Annie says she unpacked his clothes.)
HPM: Wow.
HP: When? I really don't like her. And I hate him.
HPM: She's being cute.
Me: She's not being cute.
HP: Hey, you know what's awesome, though? I actually forgot that there's an election going on!
(Fake Sam once again tries to look sad.)
Me: Oh, my God, he's the worst actor.
HPM: He is pretty awful.
HP: They're all awful.
HPM: I'm trying to give this show the benefit of the doubt, but the only one working for me is the girl.
(Nelson shows up.)
Me: Where is Nelson?
HP: That is Nelson. The Irish bartender. Did Gene Hunt just drink a red wine?
HPM: No, it was an Irish coffee.
Me: As black as a blah blah blah.
HPM: Aw, they had a heart to heart.
HP: They also cut out a whole punch-out, too.
(HP goes to get a stuffed crocodile to cuddle.)
(Fake Sam talks to Fake Annie.)
Me: Is this supposed to be sexual tension?
HP: Something like that.
(Fake Sam gives the "my mind can only think up so much" speech.)
HP: He's just bad. Maybe he's better with his original accent. But with the American accent, he's just bad.
Me: I hate this show.
HP: Hey, what's going on with the election?
HPM: We'll find out after this episode.
HP: This episode will never be over.
HPM: Hey, I'm thinking that the original was better than this.
HP: Thank you.
HPM: No, I mean the original American version. Because Harvey Keitel is just unlikable, and they're focusing too much on Sam, who's just a bad actor.
HP: Also, I really resent him every time he's trying to copy John Simm's physical mannerisms. Please don't jump over the desk. Please don't.
(They jump over the desk).
HP: (groans)
Me: That was awful. There's, like, no chemistry between them at all.
HP: I had heard that, that later episodes would focus on his relationship with Ray because there's no chemistry. Also, the Cortina is almost nonexistent.
(Fake Sam chases his suspect.)
HP: See, they've already established that in 2008 he's a very physical person.
Me: They haven't done a good job establishing how 2008 Sam is different from 1973 Sam.
HP: Exactly. He's the same person, in a different outfit.
(There is a line about fruitbats at cranberry conventions.)
Me: What?
HP: What? I don't even understand what they're saying.
HPM: Crazier than a fruitbat at a cranberry convention.
HP: I actually understand the people with British accents better.
Me: I think it's because we watch so much British television.
(They show the twins.)
HP: There is no point to the twins thing.
HPM: Ask Annie to go get a drink.
(Fake Sam does not.)
HPM: He's still in love with Maya.
(Stuff happens. I am no longer really paying attention.)
HP: Oh, you're kidding me.
(There is a dramatic musical cue. Just thought I'd share that.)
(Fake Sam tries to look sad again.)
HP: (laughs) Oh, God, I hate this show. Please don't show us the twin towers again.
Me: What makes you more uncomfortable: the election, or U.S. Life on Mars?
HP: U.S. Life on Mars. Because I have hope we can win this election. But that show is awful.
(Fade to twin towers.)