..a reminder not to forget the times that we've had<3
Last night when I threw up in the basement, I didn't know it was a good thing. And even this morning when I crawled back into bed, I was still completely unaware. But, this afternoon when sitting fully clothed in my shower letting the water hit the back of my neck, I figured it was probably a good thing. Because if I was going to have a breakdown, better at home than at school.
I am so unbelievably sad and alone and in an emotional state I never thought I'd be in a again. The people I depend upon stopped needing me a long time ago. I hate one sided relationships. I have no idea who I am..but if I pretend to be someone else a little longer I might completely lose myself. Too many different people expect too many different things from me and I don't know who I am or what I like or who my friends are. But I know that if I don't pull myself back together soon, I'll never get back together.
People I depend on are never around and this was never how we planned it to be. This is not who we are. We're supposed to be best friends. I feel like I've lost everything. And I'm crying now and the worst part is that I have no one to tell any of this to, except my fucking computer screen. I've been keeping most people at an arms length since I've been twelve years old, and I'm beginning to feel like the only people that I've trusted since then have deserted me. I feel like a part of me that wasn't broken before has just been shattered.
I hate being touched. In fact the mere though of human contact that I did not initiate makes me physically sick. I'm never going to find a guy because I'll probably never let him touch me, not to mention other social abnormalities I would put him through. Not that it matters anyway. I'm "that" girl. Believe me, you know who I'm talking about.
The days just keeping getting harder and harder. Some days I feel like not getting up at all. I just wake up, go where I have to, and then go back to sleep. I'm so sad and I don't know how to make things better. I've never had to do this for myself before, but I don't have anyone to help me any more. When someone is so connected with you that they know when you're feeling sad and alone, it's an amazing feeling. When you lose that connection and you have to pick yourself up for the first time, its pretty much the worst feeling in the world.
Those friends that were like sisters, those plans we made that never worked, the long walks and late nights and stupid jokes that I lived for..I want them back.
I am so unbelievably sad and alone and in an emotional state I never thought I'd be in a again. The people I depend upon stopped needing me a long time ago. I hate one sided relationships. I have no idea who I am..but if I pretend to be someone else a little longer I might completely lose myself. Too many different people expect too many different things from me and I don't know who I am or what I like or who my friends are. But I know that if I don't pull myself back together soon, I'll never get back together.
People I depend on are never around and this was never how we planned it to be. This is not who we are. We're supposed to be best friends. I feel like I've lost everything. And I'm crying now and the worst part is that I have no one to tell any of this to, except my fucking computer screen. I've been keeping most people at an arms length since I've been twelve years old, and I'm beginning to feel like the only people that I've trusted since then have deserted me. I feel like a part of me that wasn't broken before has just been shattered.
I hate being touched. In fact the mere though of human contact that I did not initiate makes me physically sick. I'm never going to find a guy because I'll probably never let him touch me, not to mention other social abnormalities I would put him through. Not that it matters anyway. I'm "that" girl. Believe me, you know who I'm talking about.
The days just keeping getting harder and harder. Some days I feel like not getting up at all. I just wake up, go where I have to, and then go back to sleep. I'm so sad and I don't know how to make things better. I've never had to do this for myself before, but I don't have anyone to help me any more. When someone is so connected with you that they know when you're feeling sad and alone, it's an amazing feeling. When you lose that connection and you have to pick yourself up for the first time, its pretty much the worst feeling in the world.
Those friends that were like sisters, those plans we made that never worked, the long walks and late nights and stupid jokes that I lived for..I want them back.