Bunny Suit UP!
Title: Bunny Suit Up!
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Um its crack does that count?
Summery: When Sandy hates someone she has things they have to do. It pulls Jared away from his duty as the tallest shelf stocker ever and Jensen away from his reign over the produce section. There is a bar and purple nurples as well. CRACK
“THIS IS NOT A CAREER” Jensen screamed, yelling up at the heavens. Or the lights the lit up the parking lot, either one worked really. He didn’t care what Jared said, Jared and his smirking and his total contentedness with stocking shelves at the age of 21. Seriously. If he hadn’t stolen the boys ID he would think the immature boy was only 14, and tall, really tall.
“You are so in trouble” Jared said, leaning against the wall and smirking. Jensen turned to him and stuck his tongue out. “You know I can think of much bet uses for your tongue.”
“I don’t care.” Jensen said, and he didn’t. Jared was an immature child whose mother fed him growth hormones. Texas didn’t make them that big. “Sandy only hired you because you’re tall.”
“Sandy only promoted you because now you’re shorter then me.” Jared smirked “How tall are you anyway.”
“Six foot one.”
“Dude, how insecure are you that you have to lie about that?” Jared asked moving over and ruffling his hair. “Cause I’m six foot five and you are waaay more the four inches shorter then me.”
“I hate you” Jensen said, lighting a cigarette.
“So Jensen…” Sandy said crossing her arms and glaring up at him, Jensen stepped back, eyes wide, cigarette hanging from his mouth limply. “What was that? This isn’t a career path? Think that working at the CW grocery store is below you?” She moves easily towards him, hips swaying like a pendulum. Jensen is terrified, danm Jared, he should have warned him. He was gunna kill him.
“I never said that.” Jensen was a terrible liar, really why didn’t he learn when he told his parents that the guy he was blowing and him were just playing army buddies. It hadn’t worked, but he did learn his parents were much more tolerant when they were forced to actually send their son away as they had always thought they would need to.
“Jensen the whole world heard.” Sandy said, shaking her head. “And I know that you think this is below you.”
Jensen tried to back track, tried to run away, he knew what was going to happen, it had happened to Mike a month before when Mike had decided that being an assistant to the assistant butcher was just too much and why didn’t they just call him a peon. At least Valentines Day was over, no fear of wearing a toga.
“So, I figured I would make you a special part of our marketing team.” Sandy smiled, and Jensen swore he could see her eyes flash red. He quickly tried to remember what month it was, what holiday was next.
“No Sandy no.” He shook his head. “No no no no no.” He crossed his arms in front of him.
“We’ve even got a new chocolate in, you won’t be alone anyway.”
“Someone else pissed you off?” Jensen muttered “power hungry bitter woman.”
“Nope you’ll find out tomorrow.”
“I like working produce, Its nice. No one talks to be and I don’t have to talk to anyone. I can grunt and point.” Jensen said, pleading.
“Its only like a week. You’ll be right near there so if Alona has any questions she can ask you.” Sandy tilted her head. Jensen was really glad he was gay, other wise he might be tempted to be attracted to the evil boss lady from hell.
“Because that makes me feel so much better.”
“Be nice to me bunny boy.”
That night at the bar Jensen poured back another shot.
“What was that?” Jared asked looking at the empty shot glass kind of distastefully.
Jensen glared at him “Chris” He hollered, “What did I just drink?”
Chris looked over at him, “Purple nurple… Or my sanitizer” He said looking around for a second “Purple nurple.” He says more defiantly, holding up a shot glass of blue liquid. “Defiantly purple nurple.”
“Purple Nurple” Jensen said to Jared with an unfounded air of authority.
“Should you be giving him more liquor?” Jared asked as Sandy fell forward onto the bar, flopping onto it and then holding on as if her life depended on it.
Chris shrugged “She’s cut off” He said pointing to the drunken manager.
Jared laughed, “I’ll take her home.” He picked up Sandy easily throwing her over his shoulder. Jensen took the chance to glare at his boss’s ass before Jared turned around and Sandy enthusiastically whacked him on the ass yelling “Go bunny boy take me to my chariot!”
Jensen gasped in horror.
The sentiment was echoed the next day as Sandy held out a pair of fluffy bunny ears, a pair of bunny ears. She sighs though looking at the two of them “there are all you have. There isn’t a bunny suit big enough to fit either one of you.”
Jared looked genuinely disappointed. Jensen felt great for a second then frowned “So why didn’t you make people who could wear them dress up?”
Sandy glared at him “You” She snapped pointing an overly large carrot at him, “Need to improve your attitude. I have an uncle Sam costume that was made for men on stilts!” Jensen made a small “oomph” of pain as the carrot was forced into his chest, knocking the bunny ears onto his forehead.
“I hate you” He muttered to Jared.
Jared was gleefully handing the samples out to uninterested teenagers who were obviously cutting school and to mothers with small children who were delighted that he was so enthusiastic.
“I hate you” Jensen said glowering as he held his own tray of the new line of chocolate peeps. His hatred was not directed at his over-eager co-worker but instead at the chocolate delicacy before him.
“How can you hate a peep?” Jared asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Okay this, is not a peep. Peeps are those yellow atrocities that everyone eats at Easter and then gets sick on but doesn’t eat for a year so they forget about it and so when Easter rolls around a year later then they think that they love them and the whole cycle starts over again.”
Jared looked at him. “You’re mad because the peep company changed to making chocolate too?”
Jensen shrugged “Yeah.”
“You are a mean bitter person” Jared said, popping a candy into his mouth.
That night at the bar, where Jensen was continuing to sit and do shot after shot hoping to find the answer to why he was twenty five years old and still working in a grocery store at the bottom of one of those glasses. He didn’t and instead pretty much had a deal with Chris where he would do his side work at the end of the night to pay off his bar tab. And Chris got free groceries. It worked for them.
“Why are you so bitter?” Jared asked, sipping at his beer, single beer. Jared had been drinking that beer for an hour. Jensen was keeping track.
“I’m not bitter.” Jensen said, glaring at the empty shot glass, which instead of being re-filled with a shot was replaced with water. “Stupid Chris.” He muttered drinking the water.
“Yes you are. You hate peeps.”
“Only the chocolate ones!” Jensen protested.
“No, you hate the yellow ones too” Jared pointed out. “You say they make people sick.”
“That is a fact!” Jensen said, “everyone gets sick off of them. But that’s tradition.”
“I never have.”
“That is because you are a human garbage disposal and can not get sick.” Jensen pointed out. Jared thought about it for a second and shrugged.
“True enough, but seriously the reason people eat them is because Peeps make people happy.”
“Cadbury’s makes people happy!” Jensen shook his head, then pausing for a second realized this was a bad idea and stumbled off his bar stool and ran to the bathroom.
Jared was expecting a shitty bunny partner at work that day, he’d even made a choice to wear a normal coloured shirt to ease Jensen’s hangover.
“What is that?”
“Salmon” Jared grinned.
“Its pink”
“Our ears are pink.” Jared said it earnestly, which made it worse. “So are the peeps we’re handing out today!”
“Continuing the bastardization of tradition!” Jensen snarled at the packaging.
“How do you come up with words like that while hung over.” Jared asked, and was almost worried that Jensen was going to hold up a flask that said “yellow or die” with a picture of a peep on it. Seriously the man took his easter candy waay to seriously.
“Don’t get hungover.” Jensen answered, plopping the ears onto his head as if that made him more surly.
Jared nearly snorted peep out of his nose.
Later on in the day, Jensen still managing to have a full tray, scowling at even the nice old ladies who said it was good to see people having fun with the holidays still. Jared wondered if they were blind, even he could see Jensen was miserable.
“So why do you hate peeps?”
“A peep killed my grandfather.” Jensen said.
Jared laughed and then stopped as Jensen turned to glare at him. “What? That’s ridiculous” He said, trailing off as Jensen continued to glare. “You’re serious?”
“Yes!” Jensen snapped putting his tray down and apparently deciding to go on break again.
Jared found him at the loading dock, chain smoking. “Look man, I’m sorry, I thought you were joking.”
Jensen snorted “Yeah, because I’ve been so jovial with you up to this point,”
“So your grand father really was killed by a peep?”
Jensen laughed slightly at Jared’s earnest expression “Yeah. Me and my cousins were always trying to get him to eat them, you know. We thought they were great, anything covered in sugar and coloured funny, a win-win in our minds. He loved Cadburys though, said it tasted better at Easter.”
“And?”
“He ate one and choked on it” Jensen laughs, really laughs, holding the cigarette in his hand and shaking his head. Jared grins, he’s never heard Jensen laugh.
“Honest to god?” Jared asks.
“Honest to god.” Jensen answers.
The bar that night has Jared leaning back drinking two beers, one lasting an hour and a half and the other just started.
“So why don’t you drink?” Jensen asks putting a shot of something down on the counter, wincing at the taste. “I mean you’re twenty one years old and work in a grocery store. A crappy grocery store.”
“It is crappy” Sandy admits sadly as she drags one of the bag boys to the ladies room, stumbling as she goes.
“What does that have to do with anything?” Jared says grinning down at Jensen, Jensen realizes with a shock that Jared is a lot taller then him, and a lot stronger.
“You should be doing shots with me.” Jensen points the empty glasses, only a few of which are his, the rest build up from other people at the bar. “Commiserating on the fact that we wear bunny ears and hold large carrots at work and are paid barely better then the high schoolers we have dubious command over.”
Jared shakes his head “Come on” He says, leaving some money for his beer on the bar. “I’ll tell you outside.”
Jensen follows, wondering if Jared has some sort of drug to make their existence better. They walk along the streets, Jared steadying Jensen as he goes. “So what is it?”
Jared shrugs and stops, Jensen stumbles and follows suit. “I’m not miserable. I don’t drink because I’m not unhappy.”
Jensen pauses, because its profound. “I’m not unhappy.”
Jared shakes his head his hands on Jensen’s shoulders “I think you are. I think you and Sandy and Mike and Kristin, I think you all hate your jobs, you hate your lives and you should quit and do something you like, and then you won’t need to drink so much.”
Jensen furrows his brow. “I dun think I can.” He says with certainty.
“then you need to do something to make you happy.” Jared says, totally ignoring the fact that Jensen is drunk.
So Jensen looks up at him, steps forward and acts, kissing him, drunk sloppily and more then a little wary but kisses him. Jared smiles and wraps his arms around him, pulling Jensen close and kissing him back.
Jensen actually gives away candy the next day.
Author's note: So I wrote half of this in 50 minutes or less! GO ME! No beta be nice.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Um its crack does that count?
Summery: When Sandy hates someone she has things they have to do. It pulls Jared away from his duty as the tallest shelf stocker ever and Jensen away from his reign over the produce section. There is a bar and purple nurples as well. CRACK
“THIS IS NOT A CAREER” Jensen screamed, yelling up at the heavens. Or the lights the lit up the parking lot, either one worked really. He didn’t care what Jared said, Jared and his smirking and his total contentedness with stocking shelves at the age of 21. Seriously. If he hadn’t stolen the boys ID he would think the immature boy was only 14, and tall, really tall.
“You are so in trouble” Jared said, leaning against the wall and smirking. Jensen turned to him and stuck his tongue out. “You know I can think of much bet uses for your tongue.”
“I don’t care.” Jensen said, and he didn’t. Jared was an immature child whose mother fed him growth hormones. Texas didn’t make them that big. “Sandy only hired you because you’re tall.”
“Sandy only promoted you because now you’re shorter then me.” Jared smirked “How tall are you anyway.”
“Six foot one.”
“Dude, how insecure are you that you have to lie about that?” Jared asked moving over and ruffling his hair. “Cause I’m six foot five and you are waaay more the four inches shorter then me.”
“I hate you” Jensen said, lighting a cigarette.
“So Jensen…” Sandy said crossing her arms and glaring up at him, Jensen stepped back, eyes wide, cigarette hanging from his mouth limply. “What was that? This isn’t a career path? Think that working at the CW grocery store is below you?” She moves easily towards him, hips swaying like a pendulum. Jensen is terrified, danm Jared, he should have warned him. He was gunna kill him.
“I never said that.” Jensen was a terrible liar, really why didn’t he learn when he told his parents that the guy he was blowing and him were just playing army buddies. It hadn’t worked, but he did learn his parents were much more tolerant when they were forced to actually send their son away as they had always thought they would need to.
“Jensen the whole world heard.” Sandy said, shaking her head. “And I know that you think this is below you.”
Jensen tried to back track, tried to run away, he knew what was going to happen, it had happened to Mike a month before when Mike had decided that being an assistant to the assistant butcher was just too much and why didn’t they just call him a peon. At least Valentines Day was over, no fear of wearing a toga.
“So, I figured I would make you a special part of our marketing team.” Sandy smiled, and Jensen swore he could see her eyes flash red. He quickly tried to remember what month it was, what holiday was next.
“No Sandy no.” He shook his head. “No no no no no.” He crossed his arms in front of him.
“We’ve even got a new chocolate in, you won’t be alone anyway.”
“Someone else pissed you off?” Jensen muttered “power hungry bitter woman.”
“Nope you’ll find out tomorrow.”
“I like working produce, Its nice. No one talks to be and I don’t have to talk to anyone. I can grunt and point.” Jensen said, pleading.
“Its only like a week. You’ll be right near there so if Alona has any questions she can ask you.” Sandy tilted her head. Jensen was really glad he was gay, other wise he might be tempted to be attracted to the evil boss lady from hell.
“Because that makes me feel so much better.”
“Be nice to me bunny boy.”
That night at the bar Jensen poured back another shot.
“What was that?” Jared asked looking at the empty shot glass kind of distastefully.
Jensen glared at him “Chris” He hollered, “What did I just drink?”
Chris looked over at him, “Purple nurple… Or my sanitizer” He said looking around for a second “Purple nurple.” He says more defiantly, holding up a shot glass of blue liquid. “Defiantly purple nurple.”
“Purple Nurple” Jensen said to Jared with an unfounded air of authority.
“Should you be giving him more liquor?” Jared asked as Sandy fell forward onto the bar, flopping onto it and then holding on as if her life depended on it.
Chris shrugged “She’s cut off” He said pointing to the drunken manager.
Jared laughed, “I’ll take her home.” He picked up Sandy easily throwing her over his shoulder. Jensen took the chance to glare at his boss’s ass before Jared turned around and Sandy enthusiastically whacked him on the ass yelling “Go bunny boy take me to my chariot!”
Jensen gasped in horror.
The sentiment was echoed the next day as Sandy held out a pair of fluffy bunny ears, a pair of bunny ears. She sighs though looking at the two of them “there are all you have. There isn’t a bunny suit big enough to fit either one of you.”
Jared looked genuinely disappointed. Jensen felt great for a second then frowned “So why didn’t you make people who could wear them dress up?”
Sandy glared at him “You” She snapped pointing an overly large carrot at him, “Need to improve your attitude. I have an uncle Sam costume that was made for men on stilts!” Jensen made a small “oomph” of pain as the carrot was forced into his chest, knocking the bunny ears onto his forehead.
“I hate you” He muttered to Jared.
Jared was gleefully handing the samples out to uninterested teenagers who were obviously cutting school and to mothers with small children who were delighted that he was so enthusiastic.
“I hate you” Jensen said glowering as he held his own tray of the new line of chocolate peeps. His hatred was not directed at his over-eager co-worker but instead at the chocolate delicacy before him.
“How can you hate a peep?” Jared asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Okay this, is not a peep. Peeps are those yellow atrocities that everyone eats at Easter and then gets sick on but doesn’t eat for a year so they forget about it and so when Easter rolls around a year later then they think that they love them and the whole cycle starts over again.”
Jared looked at him. “You’re mad because the peep company changed to making chocolate too?”
Jensen shrugged “Yeah.”
“You are a mean bitter person” Jared said, popping a candy into his mouth.
That night at the bar, where Jensen was continuing to sit and do shot after shot hoping to find the answer to why he was twenty five years old and still working in a grocery store at the bottom of one of those glasses. He didn’t and instead pretty much had a deal with Chris where he would do his side work at the end of the night to pay off his bar tab. And Chris got free groceries. It worked for them.
“Why are you so bitter?” Jared asked, sipping at his beer, single beer. Jared had been drinking that beer for an hour. Jensen was keeping track.
“I’m not bitter.” Jensen said, glaring at the empty shot glass, which instead of being re-filled with a shot was replaced with water. “Stupid Chris.” He muttered drinking the water.
“Yes you are. You hate peeps.”
“Only the chocolate ones!” Jensen protested.
“No, you hate the yellow ones too” Jared pointed out. “You say they make people sick.”
“That is a fact!” Jensen said, “everyone gets sick off of them. But that’s tradition.”
“I never have.”
“That is because you are a human garbage disposal and can not get sick.” Jensen pointed out. Jared thought about it for a second and shrugged.
“True enough, but seriously the reason people eat them is because Peeps make people happy.”
“Cadbury’s makes people happy!” Jensen shook his head, then pausing for a second realized this was a bad idea and stumbled off his bar stool and ran to the bathroom.
Jared was expecting a shitty bunny partner at work that day, he’d even made a choice to wear a normal coloured shirt to ease Jensen’s hangover.
“What is that?”
“Salmon” Jared grinned.
“Its pink”
“Our ears are pink.” Jared said it earnestly, which made it worse. “So are the peeps we’re handing out today!”
“Continuing the bastardization of tradition!” Jensen snarled at the packaging.
“How do you come up with words like that while hung over.” Jared asked, and was almost worried that Jensen was going to hold up a flask that said “yellow or die” with a picture of a peep on it. Seriously the man took his easter candy waay to seriously.
“Don’t get hungover.” Jensen answered, plopping the ears onto his head as if that made him more surly.
Jared nearly snorted peep out of his nose.
Later on in the day, Jensen still managing to have a full tray, scowling at even the nice old ladies who said it was good to see people having fun with the holidays still. Jared wondered if they were blind, even he could see Jensen was miserable.
“So why do you hate peeps?”
“A peep killed my grandfather.” Jensen said.
Jared laughed and then stopped as Jensen turned to glare at him. “What? That’s ridiculous” He said, trailing off as Jensen continued to glare. “You’re serious?”
“Yes!” Jensen snapped putting his tray down and apparently deciding to go on break again.
Jared found him at the loading dock, chain smoking. “Look man, I’m sorry, I thought you were joking.”
Jensen snorted “Yeah, because I’ve been so jovial with you up to this point,”
“So your grand father really was killed by a peep?”
Jensen laughed slightly at Jared’s earnest expression “Yeah. Me and my cousins were always trying to get him to eat them, you know. We thought they were great, anything covered in sugar and coloured funny, a win-win in our minds. He loved Cadburys though, said it tasted better at Easter.”
“And?”
“He ate one and choked on it” Jensen laughs, really laughs, holding the cigarette in his hand and shaking his head. Jared grins, he’s never heard Jensen laugh.
“Honest to god?” Jared asks.
“Honest to god.” Jensen answers.
The bar that night has Jared leaning back drinking two beers, one lasting an hour and a half and the other just started.
“So why don’t you drink?” Jensen asks putting a shot of something down on the counter, wincing at the taste. “I mean you’re twenty one years old and work in a grocery store. A crappy grocery store.”
“It is crappy” Sandy admits sadly as she drags one of the bag boys to the ladies room, stumbling as she goes.
“What does that have to do with anything?” Jared says grinning down at Jensen, Jensen realizes with a shock that Jared is a lot taller then him, and a lot stronger.
“You should be doing shots with me.” Jensen points the empty glasses, only a few of which are his, the rest build up from other people at the bar. “Commiserating on the fact that we wear bunny ears and hold large carrots at work and are paid barely better then the high schoolers we have dubious command over.”
Jared shakes his head “Come on” He says, leaving some money for his beer on the bar. “I’ll tell you outside.”
Jensen follows, wondering if Jared has some sort of drug to make their existence better. They walk along the streets, Jared steadying Jensen as he goes. “So what is it?”
Jared shrugs and stops, Jensen stumbles and follows suit. “I’m not miserable. I don’t drink because I’m not unhappy.”
Jensen pauses, because its profound. “I’m not unhappy.”
Jared shakes his head his hands on Jensen’s shoulders “I think you are. I think you and Sandy and Mike and Kristin, I think you all hate your jobs, you hate your lives and you should quit and do something you like, and then you won’t need to drink so much.”
Jensen furrows his brow. “I dun think I can.” He says with certainty.
“then you need to do something to make you happy.” Jared says, totally ignoring the fact that Jensen is drunk.
So Jensen looks up at him, steps forward and acts, kissing him, drunk sloppily and more then a little wary but kisses him. Jared smiles and wraps his arms around him, pulling Jensen close and kissing him back.
Jensen actually gives away candy the next day.
Author's note: So I wrote half of this in 50 minutes or less! GO ME! No beta be nice.