Days Like These, Only The One Who Hurt Me Most Can Make Me Smile...
“Cause everytime it rains, I fall to pieces
So many memories the rain releases
I feel you. I taste you. I cannot forget
Everytime it rains, I get wet.”
-Ace of Base, Everytime It Rains
It’s just been one of those days…
Work was just meh. Just couldn’t get past the first project of the day I started. 10am-5pm and I couldn’t get 3 of the lousy paintings for ONE order done and wrapped. Between my own very stupid mistakes and interruptions, it just didn’t happen. I ran 10 minutes late getting out of there and that just barely allowed me to get them together, but without their hooks and being wrapped and put in their finished bins.
I couldn’t even begin to describe how ticked at myself I was/am for it.
So that set the mood for the day. Then I went to my mother’s after work to pick up Bryan, but also thinking I might actually do a LITTLE bonding before I left, wanting her just hear a few songs I had.
Well, apparently, that just wasn’t proper. I know she was a little busy sorting through things for a garage sale her and my sister, Christina, are having at Chris’ house. But c’mon, can’t take 10-15 minutes to just talk or chill with family? I even offered to put it in the DVD player right there in front of her. That way, can sort and listen to it at the same time.
“No, do I come to your house and say, ‘here, listen?’”. I was more than irked and responded, “No, you just stop by unannounced, wanting to store things in my freezer while you go visit Christina, then sit down for 15-20 minutes dragging everyone (2 half brothers and a half sister) in with you.” But whatever, I just gathered Bryan and told Tabitha (whom I was giving a ride to) and went to leave.
“What, you’re not staying?” came her pleading comment to Tabitha!!
Of course, we both know she asked cause she wanted help with sorting her stuff. But it still served to piss me off even more.
None the less, we left, and I’m left constantly thinking if I had been Chris, she’d have stopped to bond.
It sounds like a jealousy issue, I know. I don’t think it is. I don’t care how much she bonds with Chris. Everyone knows Chris is her favorite anyways. Tabitha and I have talked about it many of times. But it’s irking when we’re pushed to the wayside because of it.
Just one more thing to make the day bad and me feel worse about myself.
It’s just a downward spiral from there. I feel lonely and empty. I feel cold inside like I can feel a piece of me literally die each day.
And yes, I know. This is nothing new form the same thing I post what can almost be said is every other entry it seems.
But that doesn’t make it any less true.
I’m sure my best friend Bryan knows what (or more specifically, who) the title of this entry refers to in relation to this entry, and anyone who’s truly read my LJ I’m sure can figure it out as well.
And as much as I know in my mind those days are gone, I can’t seem to get my heart to recognize that. And when I feel like this, when I used to back when…she could always make me smile.
There are times, in my weaker moments when my mind slips in and out of faded memories, that I can see her, see us together in the better days, and smile…
she truly was where everything revolved. Anything from the day I met her, was shaped by our relationship and the direction it took...and ended.
I just feel like I have so many failings, and I don’t have anything to anchor me where I need to be. I feel like I’ve lost my way, don’t know where I’m going, or how to get back to where I want to be…
Or if it’s possible to even go back…
I know this isn’t a great entry. I know I bore people with these and they get tiresome. I wish I could find it in my heart to not write them...I just want to be happy. Truly happy for a day, and not feel like I’m just ignoring EVERYTHING just to get through it.
Because of today, I didn’t even get to use tonight for my last Star Wars: Galaxies visit. I have a few more things off my vendors I wanted to give to Alhmm, but I’m just at the point I don’t care.
I’m gonna go now.
So many memories the rain releases
I feel you. I taste you. I cannot forget
Everytime it rains, I get wet.”
-Ace of Base, Everytime It Rains
It’s just been one of those days…
Work was just meh. Just couldn’t get past the first project of the day I started. 10am-5pm and I couldn’t get 3 of the lousy paintings for ONE order done and wrapped. Between my own very stupid mistakes and interruptions, it just didn’t happen. I ran 10 minutes late getting out of there and that just barely allowed me to get them together, but without their hooks and being wrapped and put in their finished bins.
I couldn’t even begin to describe how ticked at myself I was/am for it.
So that set the mood for the day. Then I went to my mother’s after work to pick up Bryan, but also thinking I might actually do a LITTLE bonding before I left, wanting her just hear a few songs I had.
Well, apparently, that just wasn’t proper. I know she was a little busy sorting through things for a garage sale her and my sister, Christina, are having at Chris’ house. But c’mon, can’t take 10-15 minutes to just talk or chill with family? I even offered to put it in the DVD player right there in front of her. That way, can sort and listen to it at the same time.
“No, do I come to your house and say, ‘here, listen?’”. I was more than irked and responded, “No, you just stop by unannounced, wanting to store things in my freezer while you go visit Christina, then sit down for 15-20 minutes dragging everyone (2 half brothers and a half sister) in with you.” But whatever, I just gathered Bryan and told Tabitha (whom I was giving a ride to) and went to leave.
“What, you’re not staying?” came her pleading comment to Tabitha!!
Of course, we both know she asked cause she wanted help with sorting her stuff. But it still served to piss me off even more.
None the less, we left, and I’m left constantly thinking if I had been Chris, she’d have stopped to bond.
It sounds like a jealousy issue, I know. I don’t think it is. I don’t care how much she bonds with Chris. Everyone knows Chris is her favorite anyways. Tabitha and I have talked about it many of times. But it’s irking when we’re pushed to the wayside because of it.
Just one more thing to make the day bad and me feel worse about myself.
It’s just a downward spiral from there. I feel lonely and empty. I feel cold inside like I can feel a piece of me literally die each day.
And yes, I know. This is nothing new form the same thing I post what can almost be said is every other entry it seems.
But that doesn’t make it any less true.
I’m sure my best friend Bryan knows what (or more specifically, who) the title of this entry refers to in relation to this entry, and anyone who’s truly read my LJ I’m sure can figure it out as well.
And as much as I know in my mind those days are gone, I can’t seem to get my heart to recognize that. And when I feel like this, when I used to back when…she could always make me smile.
There are times, in my weaker moments when my mind slips in and out of faded memories, that I can see her, see us together in the better days, and smile…
she truly was where everything revolved. Anything from the day I met her, was shaped by our relationship and the direction it took...and ended.
I just feel like I have so many failings, and I don’t have anything to anchor me where I need to be. I feel like I’ve lost my way, don’t know where I’m going, or how to get back to where I want to be…
Or if it’s possible to even go back…
I know this isn’t a great entry. I know I bore people with these and they get tiresome. I wish I could find it in my heart to not write them...I just want to be happy. Truly happy for a day, and not feel like I’m just ignoring EVERYTHING just to get through it.
Because of today, I didn’t even get to use tonight for my last Star Wars: Galaxies visit. I have a few more things off my vendors I wanted to give to Alhmm, but I’m just at the point I don’t care.
I’m gonna go now.