unhealthy
I am disgustingly bored with my life, with everything around me right now. There is absolutely nothing to do outside these walls, if you can believe it. So the only way to turn is inward. The past few days of being a shut-in have resulted in increasing self-reflection and mind-numbingness (perhaps from the TV). The reality of grad school has arrived -- it doesn't seem very possible to do it in Canada (Mac would be the best and only place to go); the US has way better schools for ev psych and of course, with that option comes at US$30,000 a year in expenditure (OUCH). Of course, I could go to school in Canada for way cheaper but none of the programs are specifically catered to ev psych and as a person, you'd want to go to a good school, and not just some one-off school just for the sake of going to school, right? And the reality also seems to be that no school outwardly gives out Masters in Psych -- they take you in with the intention that you'll graduate after many years with a "Dr." attached to your name. Very enticing, but very scary. The other big thing is narrowing down a research interest, something I'd be willing to dedicate a zillion hours to -- do you know how hard that is for someone who likes almost everything?! I've been trying to get back into reading academic lit but my eyes always seem to glaze over. That's not cool. It makes me think I'm getting dumber.
More and more, I want to go home soon to perhaps dip a foot into the formal waters of photography at Ryerson. Like I told Lucas during our late-night spill last week, I feel like I need to do something for myself. And that I don't want to leave here after two years, not only bitter about the whole experience but bitter at him for bringing me into this (even though it was my not-very-thought-out choice to come) -- in moments of utter depression or rage, I do get bitter with him. The only thing holding me back from leaving early is the thought of a four month long-distance relationship. It'll be a very different four months for him than for me -- he'll be stuck here with, well, the cat... and I'll be at home with my family. And after living together for two-and-a-half years, living apart will obviously be tough. I have to keep wondering if this is what I can sacrifice for the sake of my own sanity -- and I dread thinking about this as much as I already have.