All we've got is us.
I asked her, "Who are you? WHat are you about?" She replied, "Passion. Passion for knowledge and what is natural." Me, I think I'm about compassion. Compassion for people. I think that's right. If I could think of the one thing that drives most of my little, everyday actions, it would be compassion and consideration for others. In Ethics, we just discussed if someone could be unselfish. All acts can be seen as selfish because they all benefit us. If I had two cookies, and I ate both instead of sharing with a friend, that would be selfish because I wanted to eat both of them and put my want over anothers. If I were to help someone who got hurt by someone else, that would be selfish because it would make me look like a good person, putting me in a good light which is what I want, therefore being a selfish act. But just because something I want to do for someone else happens to benefit me, doesn't necessarily make it a selfish act. My motivation is to help the other person, not to make myself look like a good person. So is it selfish? I have a genuine care for other people. I want to do what I can for them. I want other people to be happy. "The mere fact that you act on your own desires does not mean that you are acting selfishly; it depends on what it is that you desire. If you care only about your own welfare and give no thought to otheres, than you are selfish; but if you also want other people to be happy, and you act on that desire, then you are not selfish." I like Ethics, because, even though it doesn't provide someone with answers, it makes you think about things.
I think I'm a pushover and that I forgive people to easily sometimes. After three weeks of not talking to me, Betsy is talking to me again. And I'm talking to her, and we're acting pretty much the same as we did before we stopped talking. But I feel like I shouldn't talk to her because of the past three weeks, because it made me upset and there were a lot of conclusions I came to and decided, sort of, that she wasn't worth my time and that I just needed to not talk to her. BUt I don't just drop friends like she was willing to. I told myself that if she ever wanted to talk to me again that I would tell her she had her chance during those three weeks and that I would just drop her in a way to hurt her to make her realize that I was a good friend and was there for her when she needed me. But I haven't done that. I don't know what I want to do about all this. Sometimes I still feel like I need to just stop talking to her, and I know a lot of people would agree with that decision. I have a lot of people who think I shouldn't talk to her again. I have to make my own decision. But I don't know what it is that I'm even wanting to do. I keep arguing with myself and that's pretty damn frustrating.
I wonder if I'm Christian. Doesn't Christian mean you believe in Christ? That he died for our sins and then was resurrected? I believe Christ did exist and that he was a good man who had many good teachings. I believe he died, maybe for our sins. But, whats the point of him resurrecting? He didn't resurrect for our sins. Was it to show that there was life for us after death? I don't know how much I believe that. I believe in God. Or, I believe in a higher being and I just call the higer being GOd because that's what I am used to calling it. I don't know what my religion is. I found a good quote from the Dalai Lama that kind of makes sense to me. "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." Religion and faith and beliefs are very difficult concepts to figure out. In order to understand what I belive, I have to do a lot of questioning and I rarely come up with solid conclusions. Faith is belief without concrete answers. Faith is believing blindly. And being blind is not something I like to be. But, I have faith. In something. I'm not really sure about everything I believe. I just know I believe in some higher being.
I don't really know where I belong right now. Marybeth asked me if I considered St. Louis my home now and I said I don't really feel like I have a "home" right now. Home doesn't mean a place to me so much as a sense of belonging. So home is where my friends are. Home is all over the place for me. Maybe ST. Louis will become home to me if I stay here next summer. I don't know if I want to stay here next summer. It kind of scares me to be completely on my own, so far away from my family and all that security from being at home. And if I don't go home, Kaitlin will be gone next year in France probably and it would mean pretty much that I wouldn't see her for two years. To me, Kaitlin is home. Or, she's close to being a home. Becky is also home. Close to it. My family is home. I'm still looking for my place in the world right now. I'm looking to belong.
I think I'm a pushover and that I forgive people to easily sometimes. After three weeks of not talking to me, Betsy is talking to me again. And I'm talking to her, and we're acting pretty much the same as we did before we stopped talking. But I feel like I shouldn't talk to her because of the past three weeks, because it made me upset and there were a lot of conclusions I came to and decided, sort of, that she wasn't worth my time and that I just needed to not talk to her. BUt I don't just drop friends like she was willing to. I told myself that if she ever wanted to talk to me again that I would tell her she had her chance during those three weeks and that I would just drop her in a way to hurt her to make her realize that I was a good friend and was there for her when she needed me. But I haven't done that. I don't know what I want to do about all this. Sometimes I still feel like I need to just stop talking to her, and I know a lot of people would agree with that decision. I have a lot of people who think I shouldn't talk to her again. I have to make my own decision. But I don't know what it is that I'm even wanting to do. I keep arguing with myself and that's pretty damn frustrating.
I wonder if I'm Christian. Doesn't Christian mean you believe in Christ? That he died for our sins and then was resurrected? I believe Christ did exist and that he was a good man who had many good teachings. I believe he died, maybe for our sins. But, whats the point of him resurrecting? He didn't resurrect for our sins. Was it to show that there was life for us after death? I don't know how much I believe that. I believe in God. Or, I believe in a higher being and I just call the higer being GOd because that's what I am used to calling it. I don't know what my religion is. I found a good quote from the Dalai Lama that kind of makes sense to me. "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." Religion and faith and beliefs are very difficult concepts to figure out. In order to understand what I belive, I have to do a lot of questioning and I rarely come up with solid conclusions. Faith is belief without concrete answers. Faith is believing blindly. And being blind is not something I like to be. But, I have faith. In something. I'm not really sure about everything I believe. I just know I believe in some higher being.
I don't really know where I belong right now. Marybeth asked me if I considered St. Louis my home now and I said I don't really feel like I have a "home" right now. Home doesn't mean a place to me so much as a sense of belonging. So home is where my friends are. Home is all over the place for me. Maybe ST. Louis will become home to me if I stay here next summer. I don't know if I want to stay here next summer. It kind of scares me to be completely on my own, so far away from my family and all that security from being at home. And if I don't go home, Kaitlin will be gone next year in France probably and it would mean pretty much that I wouldn't see her for two years. To me, Kaitlin is home. Or, she's close to being a home. Becky is also home. Close to it. My family is home. I'm still looking for my place in the world right now. I'm looking to belong.