Money makes the world go round and the world can go kill itself

[captinjaksparow]

Currently, I am generally annoyed at life, with certain people, and the possibility of ending up like my mom...flat ass broke and in a dead end job. Through Out my life I have learned to keep shit inside, brush it off or deal w/ it entirely by my self not bothering to ask advice or bother anybody else.... I'm a good actor... Sometimes…. A lot of the time…. I feel that I am or have grown up too fast. My problems don’t deal w/ boys not liking me, not getting any, pimples, or any other petty bullshit like that. Everything I am stressed out about has to do with money , the future, and still being a kid in this “ Decide the fate of the rest of you life AKA College Crap” So far senior year has been pretty good. I like most of my classes and I get along w/ most people, but as senior year draws to a close reality sets in that I have to do something to support my self after school is over. That scares me b/c I’m “supposed” to have a major and “know” what I’m supposed to “do” w/ my life. That’s bull shit! There are days when I wish I was a fresh man again and the real world was 4 long years away. That felt like eons as a freshman and I was safe from all these dumb thoughts I have now. I thought I had it all figured out. I convinced myself that I wanted to have a career in interior design... which I realize that I don't. Now I think what I want to do technical theater which I really enjoy, but then I have the pressure of my family. Nobody wants me to end up like my mom especially me. My grandfather wants me to be successful and be able to support my self, my aunts want me to have a good education, a stable career and do something where I can get a job right away after college… I want to be happy… who would of thunk it?! My family says I should do something I am interested in, but they also tell me that what I am interested in might not be a stable job and I should pick a major that will be beneficial to the future. What?! Ok if I pick the thing I am interested in it will be hard to get a job and if I pick a something which will get me a job right away then I will be miserable for the rest of my life. Enjoy life and be poor or hate my job and have money? Then there is mom who couldn't give a flying fuck about anyone but herself. I feel like the only people who care about me are my grand parents, aunts, and my friends (That’s iffy sometimes too). Sometimes I feel that I listen to my friends more then they listen to me. Lately I feel that the only friends I can talk to are Holly and Meg b/c they can relate to some of the stuff I am feeling and they have the “time” to listen to me. Which leads me to write dumb journals like this, but sometimes this is the only way to get through to people. Whatever… I have my Grandparents. I honestly don't know what I would do with out them. They took us in when were little and we have been here ever since. I feel very lucky that they helped raised me and I can honestly say that if anything ever happened to them I would loose it or something. I feel that they have acted more like my parents then my real parents ever have. My mom is virtually useless, we don't get along and my father is non-existent. The day I looses them I know I will be non compos mentis ( not of sound and mind for you scholars out there) and I hope that I will have a steady job doing something I like, hopefully married w/ a kid or something. Key words in that sentence were Supporting myself … Next issue How will I pay for college? I PRAY TO GOD that the financial aid fairies will bless me w/ cash. That a good question… a yet unanswered question so I have chosen to go to Brookdale (And yes it is a real college for all you asshole who think its not) it’s the cheapest college, has my major and is close. I actually want to go there… yes I said WANT… The college issue leads to the transportation issue... Yes I don't have a license yet.. I know! You know! George Bush knows! But you know what…. I have no money saved up b/c of on going expenses (including actually having fun once in a while so if any one even thinks of saying “Well if you didn’t go to the city so much…” I will go all out Rican on them! Going to the city and seeing shows is just about the most fun I ever have! Especially when you get to meet the cast after the show! Meeting Adam Pascal was just about possibly one of the best days ever and if there were those $100 dollar seats available I would go back a million times just to see him. Broadway and the city is my Anti-Drug! So Blah!!!! ) Any who I have no money to buy a car and the car I was promised died. So I have put the license on the back burner b/c of other bigger problem that lead back to this one and it doesn't help that your friends ::Cough Mel Cough:: ALWAYS seem to ask the question " So uh Court... When you gonna get a license?" … sorry to name names but that drives me up the fucking wall and every time I try to slightly hint that it bothers me, you never get the hint. I have so much shit that I have to pay for by my self for my self and yet I would like to still have fun in my last years of being a "kid" that this issue is in the middle of the mile high to do list. Plus the fact that I can't bring myself to actually sit down and read an entire friggin manual when I have so much shit to do is a problem. So the answer to the million dollar question is I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M SORRY I BUM RIDES OFF EVERYONE I KNOW I SUCK AND I AM A BURDEN TO EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER! BUT ASKING ME WHEN I WILL BE GETTING IT EVERY DAY, DAY AFTER DAY IS NOT HELPING ME OR MY STRESS LEVEL ANY… That message go out to EVERYONE….
Thanks….
-The Management
Along w/ college I applied for an internship w/ The Round About Theater Company in the city. Thanks to Lizburg and Mama Dukes they gave my name to this guy Tony who gave it to this lady named Lindsey who does the interviews for the internship.
1. This would be awesome if I could do this b/c if this is what I want to do w/ the rest of my life this would be extremely beneficial.
2. It would be in the summer so that would mean no summer job at all PNC or Toys R Us… probably.
3. That is a $20 a day transportation fee how am I gonna afford that?
4. Nothing is set in stone but I am nervous as fuck cuz I want this sooooo bad it hurts.
I don’t know what to do any more, my head hurts and I am tired. I don’t know why I even bothered to write this but I did. I hate live journals but it was here and it was a way to vent. I am sorry if I offended any one I didn’t mean to at all. I am not looking for anyone’s pity I just want any one and every one to know …. Nothing is at all what it seems… Listen to your friends and If they ask you to give them space, stop doing something, or help them … just consider it. Thanks for letting me vent I love you all!