31 Days of Horror: The Amityville Haunting
Click to viewI thought I was watching the remake of The Amityville Horror, but it turns out I just can't read anything from this distance. That's okay, because the only memorably good thing about the original Amityville is Lois Lane, and it's neat to see a movie by someone who clearly loved Paranormal Activity. And I tend to enjoy found footage movies, because there's a part of me that likes to believe they're true, or could be true, even if they're clearly not. And I've been a bit interested in the actual Amityville house since I was a kid, having seen a documentary about the murders long before I saw the movie. (The documentary scared the hell out of me, although now the only thing I remember about it is that the kid changed his usual sleeping position and started sleeping on his stomach just before he snapped. I haven't slept on my stomach since.)
But.
Okay.
"Home video/security system/overnight surveillance captures evidence of a haunting" was used to much better effect in Paranormal Activity (1 and 2).
"Camera malfunctions in the presence of the supernatural" was used to much better effect in Marble Hornets.
"Little kid has imaginary friend who is actually a ghost/spirit/malevolent entity" was used to much better effect in--dare I say it--Paranormal Activity 3.
"Adults don't believe kids even when they offer conclusive evidence of what's going on" is rarely used to good effect and should be avoided whenever possible.
"Hysterical whining woman who DOESN'T LIIIIIIKE IIIIIIT HEEEEEERRRRRE" is never used to good effect. Stop it.
Horrible performances from child actors, I don't even. The kid goes "Uh!" every time he's startled.
So, literally every single person who visits this house is horribly killed. Except the family that actually lives there.
Some kids exploring the abandoned place stay just long enough to have sex, then die; evidently the blood and bodies simply vanish. The realtor who shows the family the house has an aneurism. One of the movers randomly falls down the stairs and breaks his neck. The teenage daughter's boyfriend is...yanked out a window? And nobody seems to notice or care? (I actually wasn't looking when that happened.) By the time a friend shows up to install security cameras and then has a power line fall on him, it's just laughable.
Of course the family gets killed eventually, in ways that are both startling and hilarious.
Oh, and judging by the father's breakdown, the writer and/or director is also a fan of The Shining.
There were times when I was creeped out, and of course I was startled at the appropriate moments. I'm tired, but don't want to sleep, so I guess it got the job done. I just wish it had shown us a little less of the scares. In this kind of movie, I would rather have something in the shot that I don't even notice than have to deal with all the camera tricks and histrionics.
I also wish the child actors had been better. The boy was lackluster, the teenage girl acted like a stage actress (in a movie, that's bad), and the little girl sounded like a chirpy 1930s child actor. (Watch Son of Frankenstein sometime and see if your ears start bleeding.) I know it's hard to get experienced actors for a found footage movie, because using someone the audience knows breaks our suspension of disbelief. But this isn't any better.
I also couldn't stand the mom's whining. So. Whiny. And I didn't buy that a family would move five times in eighteen months because their clean-cut and generally well-behaved daughter was "getting in trouble." The worst things she did in the entire movie were going outside at night (once) and calling her father a loser when he was acting like a jackass.
Eh.
My favorite scene: The credits. (There weren't any. It was effective.) Or the power line. (It was tragically hilarious.)
My rating: 3/5