31 Days of Horror: Troll 3

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Netflix calls this movie Contamination .7, and I don't blame them. If you were trying to get people to watch a movie, would you advertise it as a sequel to Troll 2? Well, maybe you would, since I can't imagine anyone watching this without knowing what it was. And it has about as much to do with Troll 2 as Troll 2 had to do with Troll, which is to say that the "series" has gone from a fantasy adventure about Harry Potter vs. a troll who wants to marry and/or impersonate his sister, to a fantasy/horror movie about goblins who turn people into vegetables and then eat them, to a science fiction picture about Poison Ivy corporate corruption resulting in tentacle porn murderous radioactive trees.

There's an entirely different movie by the same director, also known as Troll 3, although its proper title is Ator IV (which makes it a crossover?)  I haven't seen it.  I THINK I'VE DONE ENOUGH.

But as for this Troll 3 (also known as The Crawlers) it's...not the worst movie I've ever seen. It was not as epically awful as its predecessor, which is ultimately its downfall. A bad movie needs to be quotable, dammit! But on the plus side, it has one of the worst soundtracks I've ever heard.

You couldn't tell from the awesome sheriff, but the acting is generally much better than Troll 2.  And this one had an explosion!

(Oh, please, somebody click my links.)

So, the movie happens, and it's very boring.  I felt like I was watching what Twin Peaks would have been if none of its Twin Peaksiness had been intentional. Blah, blah, skip to the end: Once again, the day is saved by...deforestation! Deus ex bulldozer for the win. And then evil radioactive Christmas tree? Is that what I was supposed to get out of that final scene? It made less sense, had less buildup, and was far less awesome than Troll 2's ridiculous twist ending, and that's saying something.

My favorite scene: "YOU want ME to coOPERate. HA HA HA HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA HA." Also, every single death scene, especially the ones that happen in plain sight of the rest of the townsfolk. I don't know how these people ignore all that "aaugh, ghlaughlhlgh, ghyaaaaaargh, grargh, arghghghghgh," but they found a way. Five times.

My rating: 3/5 because I couldn't bring myself to rate higher. This was a terrible movie, but if you're like me you won't be sorry to see it.