Psalms of Survival
There's something missing from me. It's something to do with robots and techno and elegant machines... that or it's merely personified by those things. Robots are something I've always wished I were more familiar with... not real ones, but ones that ought to be real. I don't want them to be real, though, I just want to pretend that they are. Or that they might be. They keep some secret from me...
I've been happy for the past while, but not so much tonight. Today after art class I talked with our gorgeous model man about beautiful and intangible things like biocommunication and energy. It later occured to me to wonder if we got any assignments after I left, because I left right away to try and catch the bus, but it didn't seem like there was anything. But that's got nothing to do with anything. All of the talk of the fantastic and unexplored potential of life got me feeling that certain emptiness again. I imagine that everyone else leads an infinitely more exciting life than I do, and even though logically I know that's not true, it depresses me to no end. And I don't even know what it is I'm after... just something not this. It's silly, though, because everything I have and do will inevitably become safe and mundane, and I'll have to start looking all over again.
My hand shakes now because my arm and shoulder are so sore from doing forging in metal shop. I find the novelty of that exciting. It's somehow close to what I'm after, I guess... I need an edge to be on. I absolutely love painting and working in the tailor shop, but there's some underlying boredom in me that I can't seem to reconcile.
What is life and how does one begin to test its potential? I need to see something, feel something. Something beautiful and unexpected. Something has to shake me from this.
I've been happy for the past while, but not so much tonight. Today after art class I talked with our gorgeous model man about beautiful and intangible things like biocommunication and energy. It later occured to me to wonder if we got any assignments after I left, because I left right away to try and catch the bus, but it didn't seem like there was anything. But that's got nothing to do with anything. All of the talk of the fantastic and unexplored potential of life got me feeling that certain emptiness again. I imagine that everyone else leads an infinitely more exciting life than I do, and even though logically I know that's not true, it depresses me to no end. And I don't even know what it is I'm after... just something not this. It's silly, though, because everything I have and do will inevitably become safe and mundane, and I'll have to start looking all over again.
My hand shakes now because my arm and shoulder are so sore from doing forging in metal shop. I find the novelty of that exciting. It's somehow close to what I'm after, I guess... I need an edge to be on. I absolutely love painting and working in the tailor shop, but there's some underlying boredom in me that I can't seem to reconcile.
What is life and how does one begin to test its potential? I need to see something, feel something. Something beautiful and unexpected. Something has to shake me from this.