My I-Search roughy
My Movie of a Life
It is about 40 degrees on this freezing October day. The rain is hitting me like arrows. My teeth are chattering, and my body is shivering uncontrollably. I am in a thin ripped T-shirt, and thin pants. I am in the midst of filming a movie for my brother’s first semester project. Most rational people would never think of such self-sacrifice just for a lousy film project. This is where my friends and I differ. We go through extreme lengths and hardship to entertain the masses. I believe it is a dream of all of us, to make a successful movie, and become famous. Ever since we were 12 we have been making crude movies. The first movies were animations, poorly drawn on our old Macintosh computer. As we grew older our work became more skilled, and our storytelling improved as well. Our audiences have also vastly grown. Soon it was time to go to college, and we all headed off in our separate directions. I headed to Fredonia with not much in thought about my future. My brother Dan headed to RIT two years ago, and just recently got accepted into the school of film and animation. On breaks and random weekends I venture back to the land of Rochester to help him with his movies.
A milestone was reached on the 12th of October when my brother’s film was shown to an audience of about 150 staff and students of RIT. I was the main actor in this film. I was given a compliment about my acting from the chair of the school of film at RIT. This gives my life’s journey a vague destination. I will not rest until we are all famous.
During the week of Thanksgiving break I will begin to immerse myself in this project, my life’s journey. As of now I really cannot go a day without thinking of movies and fame. When I return to Rochester for break, my project shall begin. I will interview my brother, who is the film major at RIT. I will also pilfer some of his filmmaking books, to gather information on the subject matter. The truth of the matter is that I do not think that I could live a different life than I am living now. Without our weird stories, and strange movies, we would not be ourselves. We have to do this for a living; I will not live any other way.
Diving in-------
Here I am, in Rochester. Cold, rainy, dreary Rochester. This is it. I will start to immerse myself in my project. I do believe that this week will be quite a magnificent one. I think there is no other place than home, that I could have such thoughts and weird conversations with my friends and family. The strange poignant feelings of home are sadly non-existent in college.
Saturday Night
Tonight we all got extremely intoxicated in the basement and watched a movie called “Adaptation”. The movie was strangely relevant to my struggle. The characters also had strikingly similar char.acter traits to my brother and I. After I forgot how the movie ended, due to intoxication, I realized I would have to view the movie once more. Upon my second viewing of the movie, I was knocked on my ass because of the fantastically great story and plot twists at the end of the movie. This quote is so perplexingly relevant to my conflicts.
Charlie Kaufman: [voiceover] Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more and prove myself. What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's going to change that. (Adaptation- Charlie Kaufmann)
This quote spoke to me, and fuels my search. I must find out why I need to live my life like a movie.
Through my weekly inebriant haze, I managed to formulate some ideas in my fragile little mind. I pieced them together like a slow kid molding poor shapes into clay. I am not surprised at my procrastination habits regarding the writing of this paper. I definitely am finding it devilishly tricky to sit down and write. It should be easier. At night in bed my mind races with ideas. If only I had the motivation to write them down.
Sunday Night
We are sitting in Nick Tahous, eating delicious garbage plates. The scene is classic Tahous. Gritty tables are packed with sketchy characters of the night. The room feels like you could be stabbed in five minutes. We feel right at home here.
Dan-
“Zach , you have a month off, Andy and I both have film projects. You can help us”
Zach-
“ Fuck, you’re right, I can help with those.”
Andy- “ we are going to get drunk a lot this week”
Both “ Yes”
Zach-
“ This week is gonna be fuckin’ fantastic!”
Andy-
“Zach you are off your respective ass-and I like that! ”
Dan-
“There’s no straws. We didn’t get any straws! What the hell!”
This dinnertime conversation set the tone for the rest of the week. It was shockingly true in many aspects. While we seemed optimistic at first, the week dangerously plunged downhill.
Later at night, I lay sleepless in my bed, wondering how I am going to inject bits of ‘research’ into my I-Search project. I then realize that my research will ultimately lead me nowhere new. I go back and forth in my mind, in the end feeling like Hunter S Thompson writing Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I decide that the best way to go about this thing is to just run at it at high-speed, unable to make sense of anything relevant or useful to anyone or anything. I immediately thought of my idea for my interview with my brother. I would let alcohol take the wheel, and see where it would go from there.
Wednesday Night
I decided that I had better get going with my paper. I sleeplessly pondered thoughts in my head from previous days and long weekends. Thinking my entire life over, sorting through all of it. I will have to have a productive interview with my brother, the filmmaker. We will have to mill over ideas, and stories and everything for the next couple of days. In my thoughts I hope that my movie of a life really plays out into my dreams and aspirations for the future. All of these events that seem fake or staged, or that they only happen to me, I am hoping these will evolve into fame and fortune. If my dreams of being a filmmaker crash and burn, I have no desire for a fallback job. Fuck cubicle jobs, and ordinary life. I used to yearn for normality, now I swim through oceans of insanity. This is my life, my dream. It seems that people are just so uncreative when it comes to living. They go through a pleasant childhood, are educated at a school. They head off to college, find a career and find a wife. Have children, and then age, and ultimately die. I want to break out of those chains. I have to. I know that if I fell into this slump, I would just be lying to myself. I am a spontaneous risk taker, not some lethargic office worker, who flags on his meaningless death.
Thursday- Thanksgiving Day
It is thanksgiving. Today I ‘gave thanks’ to all the things that do not matter in my life. After being forced to visit my aunt’s house for the holiday, I immediately called Andy, and forced him to come over. In the basement I was with Dan and Andy, and I began drinking. I said to myself “ I will drink, and then formulate some questions for my interview.” I said that I would only drink minimally, only to make sure I was still semi coherent. I ended up drinking a bit too much, in too little time. In the end I actually did write down some questions I wanted to ask my brother. After this failed attempt at ‘research’ we decided to go to Dennys, because it is the only restaurant opened on holidays, all night. In the car I kept having amazing thoughts and ideas for this car wreck of a paper. My mind has become a broken shard of a mirror. I remember seeing myself doing things I never thought I would be doing. I also realized I have become something I never imaged myself becoming. At long last we arrived at the trashy food establishment. The food that we ordered was amazing, but the abstract thoughts that stick in my mind are those of our conversation. Me, Andy, and Dan always have the most unique conversations. Usually they deal with things that are so random that they fit together masterfully. Tonight we talked about our strange futures. We decided that in order for us to be successful, we must strive to continue to educate ourselves. After we had devoured our delicious meals, I remember wandering to the bathroom to urinate. On the way there I remember thinking that I may be a horrible person for being intoxicated in Dennys. As I thought it over and over in my head I realize that I am not the one that is wrong. I think society is wrong. We then drove home; luckily I was not the one driving. As we passed large stores, we saw lines of people waiting outside. I saw the blank faces of a group of people only concerned about nothing. They waste large amounts of time, waiting in line, so they can buy a videogame system that will ultimately lead to them wasting more time, and ultimately accomplishing nothing at all. But still, I am so conflicted in my mind, I wonder if I am doing the same thing. I see myself preoccupied with relationships and people. Maybe I am missing out on a world of nothingness. Maybe if I spent less time drinking, and more time thinking I would actually know what I was writing about, or why. Maybe I would have a destination for my life.
Friday Night
Tonight I decided to start my interview with Daniel. I gathered Andy, and JD and we went to the basement to begin. The interview gets off to a shaky start because of my brothers drunkenness. He kept babbling on and on about strange things. Another hindrance to my interview was the fact that JD was quite angry with us, and was constantly yelling foul things our way. At long last I began asking the questions. I filmed the interview, as my Fulwiler’s book recommended. Some of the questions were unnecessary but they lead to other enlightening questions.
From my interview with my brother I have gathered many things. Firstly I realize that he is not, as people say, a ‘normal’ person. His personality and comments reinforce this like steel. Through the use of his strange language he has shown that filmmaking is an art for people truly not normal.” I think its bad for people that aren’t completely fucked up to make movies, they are not good at all, they are not interesting... you just gotta be screwed up to make a movie. And you can quote me on that buddy.” (Meiling)
Saturday Night
On this strange night I have pretty much crashed. I have realized that this week has been quite an interesting one. In no other week could I have had such strange talks with people. I also realize that this week was probably one of the unhealthiest weeks I have ever endured. I sit in my room pondering this paper. I figure now must be the time for some ‘actual’ research. I sit down with a book I have taken from my brother. “The Visual Story” by Bruce Block. This one sounds interesting. I have scoured the book for delightful tips. I realize that this is probably more about techniques in film, than of the lifestyle that I have perceived it to be. Finally I have found a useful nugget of knowledge in this wordy book.
“ Let’s discuss story structure, A story has three basic parts called the beginning (exposition), the middle (conflict), and the end (resolution). We must understand these three basic parts of any story structure before we can use visual structure.” ( Block 173)
What did this mean to me? I ponder this. Maybe nothing yet. But I remember hearing this several times, and it appears to make sense. This may be useful down the road to my life, if I do not miss the road and drive off a bridge.
I can feel my grasp of this paper slipping away. I must hold on long enough to inject one more tidbit of research into it. I have stumbled onto a website called the Filmmaker’s Portal. This website has some fantastic articles about all the stuff that I crave. Again I thought that I would find a meaningless theoretical website devoted to bullshit. But alas, I was surprised. Under the “where to start” section lies an impressive quote:
” Open your eyes and ears to everything. Look at TV, films, games, the Internet, books, theatre and dance. Listen to your friends speaking, see how your relatives behave. Watch the trees in the breeze.” (www.filmmaking.com BBC)
This kind of struck me deep. It is about all the things I yearn to do. It is my actual starting point. I think the feeling of hope can end my search finally. I am ready to move on.
------What I have learned?
Wow. What have I learned? Words cannot even explain what I learned this week. This week has been a freight train of enlightenment. I have been through so much this week, no others compare. I almost feel like a different person today. I realize that I still have fragments of soul in Rochester. I thought that I had left it all behind. I guess I was irreparably wrong.
It is about 40 degrees on this freezing October day. The rain is hitting me like arrows. My teeth are chattering, and my body is shivering uncontrollably. I am in a thin ripped T-shirt, and thin pants. I am in the midst of filming a movie for my brother’s first semester project. Most rational people would never think of such self-sacrifice just for a lousy film project. This is where my friends and I differ. We go through extreme lengths and hardship to entertain the masses. I believe it is a dream of all of us, to make a successful movie, and become famous. Ever since we were 12 we have been making crude movies. The first movies were animations, poorly drawn on our old Macintosh computer. As we grew older our work became more skilled, and our storytelling improved as well. Our audiences have also vastly grown. Soon it was time to go to college, and we all headed off in our separate directions. I headed to Fredonia with not much in thought about my future. My brother Dan headed to RIT two years ago, and just recently got accepted into the school of film and animation. On breaks and random weekends I venture back to the land of Rochester to help him with his movies.
A milestone was reached on the 12th of October when my brother’s film was shown to an audience of about 150 staff and students of RIT. I was the main actor in this film. I was given a compliment about my acting from the chair of the school of film at RIT. This gives my life’s journey a vague destination. I will not rest until we are all famous.
During the week of Thanksgiving break I will begin to immerse myself in this project, my life’s journey. As of now I really cannot go a day without thinking of movies and fame. When I return to Rochester for break, my project shall begin. I will interview my brother, who is the film major at RIT. I will also pilfer some of his filmmaking books, to gather information on the subject matter. The truth of the matter is that I do not think that I could live a different life than I am living now. Without our weird stories, and strange movies, we would not be ourselves. We have to do this for a living; I will not live any other way.
Diving in-------
Here I am, in Rochester. Cold, rainy, dreary Rochester. This is it. I will start to immerse myself in my project. I do believe that this week will be quite a magnificent one. I think there is no other place than home, that I could have such thoughts and weird conversations with my friends and family. The strange poignant feelings of home are sadly non-existent in college.
Saturday Night
Tonight we all got extremely intoxicated in the basement and watched a movie called “Adaptation”. The movie was strangely relevant to my struggle. The characters also had strikingly similar char.acter traits to my brother and I. After I forgot how the movie ended, due to intoxication, I realized I would have to view the movie once more. Upon my second viewing of the movie, I was knocked on my ass because of the fantastically great story and plot twists at the end of the movie. This quote is so perplexingly relevant to my conflicts.
Charlie Kaufman: [voiceover] Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more and prove myself. What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's going to change that. (Adaptation- Charlie Kaufmann)
This quote spoke to me, and fuels my search. I must find out why I need to live my life like a movie.
Through my weekly inebriant haze, I managed to formulate some ideas in my fragile little mind. I pieced them together like a slow kid molding poor shapes into clay. I am not surprised at my procrastination habits regarding the writing of this paper. I definitely am finding it devilishly tricky to sit down and write. It should be easier. At night in bed my mind races with ideas. If only I had the motivation to write them down.
Sunday Night
We are sitting in Nick Tahous, eating delicious garbage plates. The scene is classic Tahous. Gritty tables are packed with sketchy characters of the night. The room feels like you could be stabbed in five minutes. We feel right at home here.
Dan-
“Zach , you have a month off, Andy and I both have film projects. You can help us”
Zach-
“ Fuck, you’re right, I can help with those.”
Andy- “ we are going to get drunk a lot this week”
Both “ Yes”
Zach-
“ This week is gonna be fuckin’ fantastic!”
Andy-
“Zach you are off your respective ass-and I like that! ”
Dan-
“There’s no straws. We didn’t get any straws! What the hell!”
This dinnertime conversation set the tone for the rest of the week. It was shockingly true in many aspects. While we seemed optimistic at first, the week dangerously plunged downhill.
Later at night, I lay sleepless in my bed, wondering how I am going to inject bits of ‘research’ into my I-Search project. I then realize that my research will ultimately lead me nowhere new. I go back and forth in my mind, in the end feeling like Hunter S Thompson writing Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I decide that the best way to go about this thing is to just run at it at high-speed, unable to make sense of anything relevant or useful to anyone or anything. I immediately thought of my idea for my interview with my brother. I would let alcohol take the wheel, and see where it would go from there.
Wednesday Night
I decided that I had better get going with my paper. I sleeplessly pondered thoughts in my head from previous days and long weekends. Thinking my entire life over, sorting through all of it. I will have to have a productive interview with my brother, the filmmaker. We will have to mill over ideas, and stories and everything for the next couple of days. In my thoughts I hope that my movie of a life really plays out into my dreams and aspirations for the future. All of these events that seem fake or staged, or that they only happen to me, I am hoping these will evolve into fame and fortune. If my dreams of being a filmmaker crash and burn, I have no desire for a fallback job. Fuck cubicle jobs, and ordinary life. I used to yearn for normality, now I swim through oceans of insanity. This is my life, my dream. It seems that people are just so uncreative when it comes to living. They go through a pleasant childhood, are educated at a school. They head off to college, find a career and find a wife. Have children, and then age, and ultimately die. I want to break out of those chains. I have to. I know that if I fell into this slump, I would just be lying to myself. I am a spontaneous risk taker, not some lethargic office worker, who flags on his meaningless death.
Thursday- Thanksgiving Day
It is thanksgiving. Today I ‘gave thanks’ to all the things that do not matter in my life. After being forced to visit my aunt’s house for the holiday, I immediately called Andy, and forced him to come over. In the basement I was with Dan and Andy, and I began drinking. I said to myself “ I will drink, and then formulate some questions for my interview.” I said that I would only drink minimally, only to make sure I was still semi coherent. I ended up drinking a bit too much, in too little time. In the end I actually did write down some questions I wanted to ask my brother. After this failed attempt at ‘research’ we decided to go to Dennys, because it is the only restaurant opened on holidays, all night. In the car I kept having amazing thoughts and ideas for this car wreck of a paper. My mind has become a broken shard of a mirror. I remember seeing myself doing things I never thought I would be doing. I also realized I have become something I never imaged myself becoming. At long last we arrived at the trashy food establishment. The food that we ordered was amazing, but the abstract thoughts that stick in my mind are those of our conversation. Me, Andy, and Dan always have the most unique conversations. Usually they deal with things that are so random that they fit together masterfully. Tonight we talked about our strange futures. We decided that in order for us to be successful, we must strive to continue to educate ourselves. After we had devoured our delicious meals, I remember wandering to the bathroom to urinate. On the way there I remember thinking that I may be a horrible person for being intoxicated in Dennys. As I thought it over and over in my head I realize that I am not the one that is wrong. I think society is wrong. We then drove home; luckily I was not the one driving. As we passed large stores, we saw lines of people waiting outside. I saw the blank faces of a group of people only concerned about nothing. They waste large amounts of time, waiting in line, so they can buy a videogame system that will ultimately lead to them wasting more time, and ultimately accomplishing nothing at all. But still, I am so conflicted in my mind, I wonder if I am doing the same thing. I see myself preoccupied with relationships and people. Maybe I am missing out on a world of nothingness. Maybe if I spent less time drinking, and more time thinking I would actually know what I was writing about, or why. Maybe I would have a destination for my life.
Friday Night
Tonight I decided to start my interview with Daniel. I gathered Andy, and JD and we went to the basement to begin. The interview gets off to a shaky start because of my brothers drunkenness. He kept babbling on and on about strange things. Another hindrance to my interview was the fact that JD was quite angry with us, and was constantly yelling foul things our way. At long last I began asking the questions. I filmed the interview, as my Fulwiler’s book recommended. Some of the questions were unnecessary but they lead to other enlightening questions.
From my interview with my brother I have gathered many things. Firstly I realize that he is not, as people say, a ‘normal’ person. His personality and comments reinforce this like steel. Through the use of his strange language he has shown that filmmaking is an art for people truly not normal.” I think its bad for people that aren’t completely fucked up to make movies, they are not good at all, they are not interesting... you just gotta be screwed up to make a movie. And you can quote me on that buddy.” (Meiling)
Saturday Night
On this strange night I have pretty much crashed. I have realized that this week has been quite an interesting one. In no other week could I have had such strange talks with people. I also realize that this week was probably one of the unhealthiest weeks I have ever endured. I sit in my room pondering this paper. I figure now must be the time for some ‘actual’ research. I sit down with a book I have taken from my brother. “The Visual Story” by Bruce Block. This one sounds interesting. I have scoured the book for delightful tips. I realize that this is probably more about techniques in film, than of the lifestyle that I have perceived it to be. Finally I have found a useful nugget of knowledge in this wordy book.
“ Let’s discuss story structure, A story has three basic parts called the beginning (exposition), the middle (conflict), and the end (resolution). We must understand these three basic parts of any story structure before we can use visual structure.” ( Block 173)
What did this mean to me? I ponder this. Maybe nothing yet. But I remember hearing this several times, and it appears to make sense. This may be useful down the road to my life, if I do not miss the road and drive off a bridge.
I can feel my grasp of this paper slipping away. I must hold on long enough to inject one more tidbit of research into it. I have stumbled onto a website called the Filmmaker’s Portal. This website has some fantastic articles about all the stuff that I crave. Again I thought that I would find a meaningless theoretical website devoted to bullshit. But alas, I was surprised. Under the “where to start” section lies an impressive quote:
” Open your eyes and ears to everything. Look at TV, films, games, the Internet, books, theatre and dance. Listen to your friends speaking, see how your relatives behave. Watch the trees in the breeze.” (www.filmmaking.com BBC)
This kind of struck me deep. It is about all the things I yearn to do. It is my actual starting point. I think the feeling of hope can end my search finally. I am ready to move on.
------What I have learned?
Wow. What have I learned? Words cannot even explain what I learned this week. This week has been a freight train of enlightenment. I have been through so much this week, no others compare. I almost feel like a different person today. I realize that I still have fragments of soul in Rochester. I thought that I had left it all behind. I guess I was irreparably wrong.