(no subject)
All right, so I have not yet returned from complete blogging exile.
Still, while I slowly galvanize myself into creative internet activity, I can amuse you all with a diverting little trifle of a dual post.
The first part of the post is a verbatim transcript of an internet conversation I had recently with Tony.
To set the scene, I had just gotten back in after an evening of TV with Amy.
Auto response from GoldenLoki1986: Off watching everyone's favorite teen girl TV sleuth with everyone's favorite teen girl giantess.
HardLuckNinja: Umm . . . Harriet the Spy?
GoldenLoki1986: She's more tween or pre-teen, I think.
GoldenLoki1986: I refer to Miss Veronica Mars.
HardLuckNinja: I see.
HardLuckNinja: So I'm not going home Monday morning.
HardLuckNinja: I can't do that anymore.
HardLuckNinja: Too draining.
HardLuckNinja: I will likely have to leave Sunday.
HardLuckNinja: Which leaves me two days.
HardLuckNinja: Friday and Saturday.
GoldenLoki1986: Yes . . .
HardLuckNinja: My people priorities are Kristen and you.
GoldenLoki1986: Aww . . .
GoldenLoki1986: My advice? Cut the broad out and focus on me. I'm more of a pay-off in the long run.
HardLuckNinja: You lack boobs.
HardLuckNinja: That's minus half a million points.
GoldenLoki1986: I have a penis.
GoldenLoki1986: And . . . uh . . . wit?
GoldenLoki1986: And very few scruples.
HardLuckNinja: So, that's another negative 3000, and plus 500.
GoldenLoki1986: For the wit and lack of scruples?
GoldenLoki1986: C'mon!
GoldenLoki1986: I can lift stuff . . .
GoldenLoki1986: An' uh . . . does Kristen headbutt you as lovingly as I do?
HardLuckNinja: As a matter of fact, she does not.
HardLuckNinja: . . . Where is your argument here?
GoldenLoki1986: I have none!
GoldenLoki1986: I can only offer to . . . I can't even offer anything.
GoldenLoki1986: Ow.
HardLuckNinja: Ow?
GoldenLoki1986: Amy's cat tore my hands to shreds.
HardLuckNinja: Your mighty, calloused mitts?
GoldenLoki1986: I was petting the pestilential beast-- things were going well-- when all of a sudden, it swung its paw down, claws extended, onto my hand with a juicy *thonk* and started to bite and tear at said appendage as though it had insulted a member of the cat’s immediately family.
HardLuckNinja: So what condition did you leave the cat in?
GoldenLoki1986: You're right. I shouldn't have called it a pestilential beast.
GoldenLoki1986: As it's not nice to speak ill of the dead.
GoldenLoki1986: Naw. I was loath to upset Amy (and wont to impress her) so I let the feline do its worst.
HardLuckNinja: Women like guys that can snap a small animal's neck with a flick o' the wrist.
HardLuckNinja: You think I romanced Kristen?
HardLuckNinja: I stepped on her hamster.
HardLuckNinja: The rest is history.
GoldenLoki1986: Perhaps. I will know now in the future.
But I wanted to seem tough. So I sat grinning whilst aforementioned feline went Tasmanian Devil on my digits.
HardLuckNinja: It's a difference of style, I suppose.
HardLuckNinja: I like to maintain an air of "adorably violent."
HardLuckNinja: Wait, that came out wrong.
HardLuckNinja: I meant "affectionately unstable."
HardLuckNinja: err . . . m'eh.
GoldenLoki1986: I'm more 'Turn the other palm,' an' all that.
HardLuckNinja: A little known fact is that Jesus was turning the other cheek as a diversion.
HardLuckNinja: He was big on 'and grenades.
HardLuckNinja: I think.
HardLuckNinja: I was burning a fever when I met him.
HardLuckNinja: Oui, est un Don Juan, Jesus ete'. Tres Magnifique.
HardLuckNinja: I will sleep now.
HardLuckNinja: I'll see you in bed, man-whore.
GoldenLoki1986: Man-whore?
GoldenLoki1986: C'mon, now!
GoldenLoki1986: Good luck.
HardLuckNinja: Caitlin is like a goldfish with a gun.
HardLuckNinja: (Explanation pending.)
GoldenLoki1986: Yeah.
GoldenLoki1986: Okay.
GoldenLoki1986: 'Night Tones.
HardLuckNinja: Night, Rich.
HardLuckNinja: Sleep well.
GoldenLoki1986: You too.
Fin.
And the other half of this increasingly insane LiveJournal post is the announcing o the winners of the Chuck Norris Fact Competition.
As you may or may not recall, several months ago, I asked you all to come up with unbelievable data regarding the great martial artist. You responded to the cfhallenege admirably.
Here are the best of the best:
From EJ, this paranoid little classic:
-Have you ever felt like someone is watching you? Well there is, it's Chuck Norris.
From Becca, this long, wordy, but intriguing scientific one:
-Chuck Norris never showers in the winter. The musk he has accumulated by spring drives the reproduction fervor of all mammals, especially rabbits. If he were to shower just once, the life cycle as we know it would be devastated.
From Pawel, these three gems:
-Recent probes to Jupiter's moon Titan have discovered "Chuck Norris was here" roundhouse-kicked into the ice on the moon's surface.
-Fossilized evidence of beard hairs dating back to the Cretaceous Period have led scientists to believe that the mass extinction of dinosaurs was very swift.
-Godzilla never attacks L.A. because it fears Chuck Norris
From Andrew, this pop culture explanation:
-Keyser Soze is Hungarian for Chuck Norris.
From Dan, one of Biblical proportions:
-God was created in the image of Chuck Norris.
And these from my original conspirator, Tony:
-Chuck Norris likes barbeques, but hates carbs. After a nasty incident at a block party, companies began including an extra two hotdogs in every pack in case Chuck comes over for dinner.
-Chuck Norris once kicked a cow. The result was named "ground chuck," after him.
-Whenever Chuck Norris kicks something, an angel explodes.
-Chuck Norris thinks hydrogen bombs are "cute."
-Chuck Norris once created a rock that Chuck Norris could not lift. We live on it.
There ya have it.
Perhaps this will simultaneously distract all of you and give me the impetus to surge back into the blogging scene.
I'm off to make some pork chop sandwiches.
Still, while I slowly galvanize myself into creative internet activity, I can amuse you all with a diverting little trifle of a dual post.
The first part of the post is a verbatim transcript of an internet conversation I had recently with Tony.
To set the scene, I had just gotten back in after an evening of TV with Amy.
Auto response from GoldenLoki1986: Off watching everyone's favorite teen girl TV sleuth with everyone's favorite teen girl giantess.
HardLuckNinja: Umm . . . Harriet the Spy?
GoldenLoki1986: She's more tween or pre-teen, I think.
GoldenLoki1986: I refer to Miss Veronica Mars.
HardLuckNinja: I see.
HardLuckNinja: So I'm not going home Monday morning.
HardLuckNinja: I can't do that anymore.
HardLuckNinja: Too draining.
HardLuckNinja: I will likely have to leave Sunday.
HardLuckNinja: Which leaves me two days.
HardLuckNinja: Friday and Saturday.
GoldenLoki1986: Yes . . .
HardLuckNinja: My people priorities are Kristen and you.
GoldenLoki1986: Aww . . .
GoldenLoki1986: My advice? Cut the broad out and focus on me. I'm more of a pay-off in the long run.
HardLuckNinja: You lack boobs.
HardLuckNinja: That's minus half a million points.
GoldenLoki1986: I have a penis.
GoldenLoki1986: And . . . uh . . . wit?
GoldenLoki1986: And very few scruples.
HardLuckNinja: So, that's another negative 3000, and plus 500.
GoldenLoki1986: For the wit and lack of scruples?
GoldenLoki1986: C'mon!
GoldenLoki1986: I can lift stuff . . .
GoldenLoki1986: An' uh . . . does Kristen headbutt you as lovingly as I do?
HardLuckNinja: As a matter of fact, she does not.
HardLuckNinja: . . . Where is your argument here?
GoldenLoki1986: I have none!
GoldenLoki1986: I can only offer to . . . I can't even offer anything.
GoldenLoki1986: Ow.
HardLuckNinja: Ow?
GoldenLoki1986: Amy's cat tore my hands to shreds.
HardLuckNinja: Your mighty, calloused mitts?
GoldenLoki1986: I was petting the pestilential beast-- things were going well-- when all of a sudden, it swung its paw down, claws extended, onto my hand with a juicy *thonk* and started to bite and tear at said appendage as though it had insulted a member of the cat’s immediately family.
HardLuckNinja: So what condition did you leave the cat in?
GoldenLoki1986: You're right. I shouldn't have called it a pestilential beast.
GoldenLoki1986: As it's not nice to speak ill of the dead.
GoldenLoki1986: Naw. I was loath to upset Amy (and wont to impress her) so I let the feline do its worst.
HardLuckNinja: Women like guys that can snap a small animal's neck with a flick o' the wrist.
HardLuckNinja: You think I romanced Kristen?
HardLuckNinja: I stepped on her hamster.
HardLuckNinja: The rest is history.
GoldenLoki1986: Perhaps. I will know now in the future.
But I wanted to seem tough. So I sat grinning whilst aforementioned feline went Tasmanian Devil on my digits.
HardLuckNinja: It's a difference of style, I suppose.
HardLuckNinja: I like to maintain an air of "adorably violent."
HardLuckNinja: Wait, that came out wrong.
HardLuckNinja: I meant "affectionately unstable."
HardLuckNinja: err . . . m'eh.
GoldenLoki1986: I'm more 'Turn the other palm,' an' all that.
HardLuckNinja: A little known fact is that Jesus was turning the other cheek as a diversion.
HardLuckNinja: He was big on 'and grenades.
HardLuckNinja: I think.
HardLuckNinja: I was burning a fever when I met him.
HardLuckNinja: Oui, est un Don Juan, Jesus ete'. Tres Magnifique.
HardLuckNinja: I will sleep now.
HardLuckNinja: I'll see you in bed, man-whore.
GoldenLoki1986: Man-whore?
GoldenLoki1986: C'mon, now!
GoldenLoki1986: Good luck.
HardLuckNinja: Caitlin is like a goldfish with a gun.
HardLuckNinja: (Explanation pending.)
GoldenLoki1986: Yeah.
GoldenLoki1986: Okay.
GoldenLoki1986: 'Night Tones.
HardLuckNinja: Night, Rich.
HardLuckNinja: Sleep well.
GoldenLoki1986: You too.
Fin.
And the other half of this increasingly insane LiveJournal post is the announcing o the winners of the Chuck Norris Fact Competition.
As you may or may not recall, several months ago, I asked you all to come up with unbelievable data regarding the great martial artist. You responded to the cfhallenege admirably.
Here are the best of the best:
From EJ, this paranoid little classic:
-Have you ever felt like someone is watching you? Well there is, it's Chuck Norris.
From Becca, this long, wordy, but intriguing scientific one:
-Chuck Norris never showers in the winter. The musk he has accumulated by spring drives the reproduction fervor of all mammals, especially rabbits. If he were to shower just once, the life cycle as we know it would be devastated.
From Pawel, these three gems:
-Recent probes to Jupiter's moon Titan have discovered "Chuck Norris was here" roundhouse-kicked into the ice on the moon's surface.
-Fossilized evidence of beard hairs dating back to the Cretaceous Period have led scientists to believe that the mass extinction of dinosaurs was very swift.
-Godzilla never attacks L.A. because it fears Chuck Norris
From Andrew, this pop culture explanation:
-Keyser Soze is Hungarian for Chuck Norris.
From Dan, one of Biblical proportions:
-God was created in the image of Chuck Norris.
And these from my original conspirator, Tony:
-Chuck Norris likes barbeques, but hates carbs. After a nasty incident at a block party, companies began including an extra two hotdogs in every pack in case Chuck comes over for dinner.
-Chuck Norris once kicked a cow. The result was named "ground chuck," after him.
-Whenever Chuck Norris kicks something, an angel explodes.
-Chuck Norris thinks hydrogen bombs are "cute."
-Chuck Norris once created a rock that Chuck Norris could not lift. We live on it.
There ya have it.
Perhaps this will simultaneously distract all of you and give me the impetus to surge back into the blogging scene.
I'm off to make some pork chop sandwiches.