Bitch, stay out of my homestate!
Story Or Series Title: Harry and Ron meet the Twins
Fandom: The one that took over Salem, Mass.
Culprit Author's Name:Monarch Kitten. I didn’t bother adding a link since there’s nothing in the profile.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Blair and Evie. There are no last names, but they’re twins.
Full Species(es): Full Fledged OMG, like, Salem Sues! w00t!
Hair Color (include adjectives): n/a but Harry thinks Blair is purtier.
Eye Color (include adjectives): n/a but Harry thinks Blair’s are lighter.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Blair has deeper lips, whatever that means.
Special Possessions (if any): Blair: Harry’s balls heart. Evie: Ron’s balls heart.
Annoying Origin: Salem, Massachusetts. >.< I hate them. I want to find them and burn them. At the stake, if possible.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Well, soon they’re going to be Harry and Ron’s sex buddies.
Annoying Special Abilities: To be OMG so charming.
Other Annoying Traits: To be from Salem. Which is in the same state as me. I get goose bumps when they’re in the same country as me. I feel sick.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
It’s only one chapter so I’m not sure what to cut out. Probably the only paragraph with proper spacing.
Blair's Point of View
Blair looked down at her train ticket to board the Hogwarts Train, Platform Nine and three quarters?Randomness. -10 Blair's twin sister Comma. -3EvieComma. -3 was walking back and forth between Platforms nine and ten. IChange! Was Blair, now I! -2 was looking for anything strange when iCaps. -3 saw a young man with jet black hair and amazing green eyes walk straight into one of the polesIt wasn’t an effing pole! -3 between nine and ten. Paragraph. -3“Hey Evie over here” I called, “ Why is there a space here? There shouldn’t be. -10We have to walk through that Why is there a space here? -10 And, why is there no period? -3“ I pointed to the stone. “ Space. -10This is going to be a weird yearPeriod. -3” Evie said as she followed me through the barrier.
Finding seats on the Train wasn’t so hard because there were several compartments that were empty but when me and Evie were getting off, whoa, Salem school was nothing compared to Hogwarts.I can’t name everything wrong with this sentence so I’m taking off twenty for the whole thing. -20
Blair's Point of View
I smiled and thoughThought. -5 for a moment, what is so differentDifferent. -5? TheresThere’s. -3 still magic, finalyFinally. -5 iCaps. -3 said “YeaYeah or Yes is the proper answer. -3 Comma. -3 for one, the people are allotA lot. -5 nicer herePeriod. -3”She laughed and stuck out her hand saying, Apostrophe. -3 And paragraph break. -3HiComma.-3 my namesName's. -3 Hermione, and this Is. -3Harry,Apostrophe. -3 she pointed to a black haired boy sitting next to a red haired boy, whose name was Ron. I shook her hand and said “ SPACE! -10 And paragraph break. -3My names Blair and this is my twin sister Evie, nice to meet youPeriod. -3” I looked over at Harry and he smiled at me and iCaps. -3 shook his and Ron's hand but ronCaps. -3 was a little bit >to-3 distracted being in an intense conversation with Evie-10 because i'm getting irritated. No one till now releasedRealized. -5 they were talking tilUNtil. -5l I looked over at Hermione and she cleared her throat “ SPACE. -10 And paragraph break. -3RonComma. -3 THIS is BlairPeriod. -3”,What is the comma here for? It should be used somewhere that it's actually needed. It should be a new line break. -3“ SPACE. -10Huh oh yea hi nice to meet you, hey your twins” he said looking back at Evie-20 for the whole thing. I'm getting tired.. Hermione rolled her eyes and we both looked at Harry, letting Evie and Ron carry on. “So”,Comma goes on the other side of the apostrophe. -3 Harry said to BlairSo it's Blair again? Not me? -2 “ SPACE -10My best friendsFriend's as in, friend is. -3 in love with your sisterPeriod. -3” I laughed, “ Everyone seems to think Evies very attractive” I said smiling. “ You know your very pretty yourself, you and Evie very much alike, but your eyes are brighter than hers and your lips are deeper” I blushed, just as everyone bustled up to go back to their common rooms. I was just about to open my mouth to ask Hermione where the room was but she had already grabbed my arm leading the way. I looked back for Evie but i saw Ron slip his hand into hers.I give up! FIFTY POINTS FOR THE REST OF THE PARAGRAPH. *gives harry his Capslock of Rage back*
EviesEvie’s. -5 because I’m pissed. point of View
While Blair was blabbing away with Hermione i noticed Ron was looking at me and I said “ So how is it here” And he said “ Well that's all depending on Dumbledor, he's the head of the school, he lets us do anything we please as long as we don't do dark magic or anything evil like that, he smiled jokingly and I laughed. “ No drama or anything?” He bit his lip and said “ Well usually Harry creates that, you know who he is” I gave a quizzical look, “ No i just met Harry...” Ron's eyebrow's went up you don't know his story, well it all happened when Harry was baby and the Dark Lord...” By the end of the story Ron was leaning forward into me on the table practically whispering. All of a sudden everyone started leaving for their common rooms, “Ron can you show me where i’ll be?” “Yea” he said , his face was inches from mine , I felt so many sensation just then and i felt him grab my wrist to lead me to the common room, my fingers tingled as I slowly grabbed his hand, he looked over at me surprised and then smiled mischievously, putting his hand a little bit up the back of my shirt he guided me to the girls staircase and let go of my hand saying, “I’ll see you in the morning”.Fifty points for this one too. If you think you can handle it, go right ahead. I won't stop you.
Congratulations. That's negative two hundred and fifty one. -251. That probably a Z. Please gods, I beg you to give these poor creatures the ability to develop into real characters.
Fandom: The one that took over Salem, Mass.
Culprit Author's Name:Monarch Kitten. I didn’t bother adding a link since there’s nothing in the profile.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Blair and Evie. There are no last names, but they’re twins.
Full Species(es): Full Fledged OMG, like, Salem Sues! w00t!
Hair Color (include adjectives): n/a but Harry thinks Blair is purtier.
Eye Color (include adjectives): n/a but Harry thinks Blair’s are lighter.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Blair has deeper lips, whatever that means.
Special Possessions (if any): Blair: Harry’s balls heart. Evie: Ron’s balls heart.
Annoying Origin: Salem, Massachusetts. >.< I hate them. I want to find them and burn them. At the stake, if possible.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Well, soon they’re going to be Harry and Ron’s sex buddies.
Annoying Special Abilities: To be OMG so charming.
Other Annoying Traits: To be from Salem. Which is in the same state as me. I get goose bumps when they’re in the same country as me. I feel sick.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
It’s only one chapter so I’m not sure what to cut out. Probably the only paragraph with proper spacing.
Blair's Point of View
Blair looked down at her train ticket to board the Hogwarts Train, Platform Nine and three quarters?Randomness. -10 Blair's twin sister Comma. -3EvieComma. -3 was walking back and forth between Platforms nine and ten. IChange! Was Blair, now I! -2 was looking for anything strange when iCaps. -3 saw a young man with jet black hair and amazing green eyes walk straight into one of the polesIt wasn’t an effing pole! -3 between nine and ten. Paragraph. -3“Hey Evie over here” I called, “ Why is there a space here? There shouldn’t be. -10We have to walk through that Why is there a space here? -10 And, why is there no period? -3“ I pointed to the stone. “ Space. -10This is going to be a weird yearPeriod. -3” Evie said as she followed me through the barrier.
Finding seats on the Train wasn’t so hard because there were several compartments that were empty but when me and Evie were getting off, whoa, Salem school was nothing compared to Hogwarts.I can’t name everything wrong with this sentence so I’m taking off twenty for the whole thing. -20
Blair's Point of View
I smiled and thoughThought. -5 for a moment, what is so differentDifferent. -5? TheresThere’s. -3 still magic, finalyFinally. -5 iCaps. -3 said “YeaYeah or Yes is the proper answer. -3 Comma. -3 for one, the people are allotA lot. -5 nicer herePeriod. -3”She laughed and stuck out her hand saying, Apostrophe. -3 And paragraph break. -3HiComma.-3 my namesName's. -3 Hermione, and this Is. -3Harry,Apostrophe. -3 she pointed to a black haired boy sitting next to a red haired boy, whose name was Ron. I shook her hand and said “ SPACE! -10 And paragraph break. -3My names Blair and this is my twin sister Evie, nice to meet youPeriod. -3” I looked over at Harry and he smiled at me and iCaps. -3 shook his and Ron's hand but ronCaps. -3 was a little bit >to-3 distracted being in an intense conversation with Evie-10 because i'm getting irritated. No one till now releasedRealized. -5 they were talking tilUNtil. -5l I looked over at Hermione and she cleared her throat “ SPACE. -10 And paragraph break. -3RonComma. -3 THIS is BlairPeriod. -3”,What is the comma here for? It should be used somewhere that it's actually needed. It should be a new line break. -3“ SPACE. -10Huh oh yea hi nice to meet you, hey your twins” he said looking back at Evie-20 for the whole thing. I'm getting tired.. Hermione rolled her eyes and we both looked at Harry, letting Evie and Ron carry on. “So”,Comma goes on the other side of the apostrophe. -3 Harry said to BlairSo it's Blair again? Not me? -2 “ SPACE -10My best friendsFriend's as in, friend is. -3 in love with your sisterPeriod. -3” I laughed, “ Everyone seems to think Evies very attractive” I said smiling. “ You know your very pretty yourself, you and Evie very much alike, but your eyes are brighter than hers and your lips are deeper” I blushed, just as everyone bustled up to go back to their common rooms. I was just about to open my mouth to ask Hermione where the room was but she had already grabbed my arm leading the way. I looked back for Evie but i saw Ron slip his hand into hers.I give up! FIFTY POINTS FOR THE REST OF THE PARAGRAPH. *gives harry his Capslock of Rage back*
EviesEvie’s. -5 because I’m pissed. point of View
While Blair was blabbing away with Hermione i noticed Ron was looking at me and I said “ So how is it here” And he said “ Well that's all depending on Dumbledor, he's the head of the school, he lets us do anything we please as long as we don't do dark magic or anything evil like that, he smiled jokingly and I laughed. “ No drama or anything?” He bit his lip and said “ Well usually Harry creates that, you know who he is” I gave a quizzical look, “ No i just met Harry...” Ron's eyebrow's went up you don't know his story, well it all happened when Harry was baby and the Dark Lord...” By the end of the story Ron was leaning forward into me on the table practically whispering. All of a sudden everyone started leaving for their common rooms, “Ron can you show me where i’ll be?” “Yea” he said , his face was inches from mine , I felt so many sensation just then and i felt him grab my wrist to lead me to the common room, my fingers tingled as I slowly grabbed his hand, he looked over at me surprised and then smiled mischievously, putting his hand a little bit up the back of my shirt he guided me to the girls staircase and let go of my hand saying, “I’ll see you in the morning”.Fifty points for this one too. If you think you can handle it, go right ahead. I won't stop you.
Congratulations. That's negative two hundred and fifty one. -251. That probably a Z. Please gods, I beg you to give these poor creatures the ability to develop into real characters.