Cloudy
So I can't stop thinking about how that I'm not going to be able to let myself fall in love again. Right now I'm blaming it on timing and not really wanting to be in a relationship. Let me rephrase that in a way that sounds more like my thoughts...I do want a relationship, but I don't think I can let myself feel that again, without thinking that I might get hurt again. I understand fully that part of a relationship might come heartbreak, but I just don't want to deal with that until I know I can handle it.
A good/bad example: So this whole thing with the girl with a boyfriend, is getting worse for me to hold back my feelings. She knows that I want to sleep with her, and she also knows that I won't and can't do anything until her boyfriend situation is done. They're having rocky times right now because he wants to move out and she thinks that by him moving that they are going to be done. To me I should be celebrating and rejoicing for the fact that he would be out of the picture in the relationship sense, but he's also my friend, and I really can't imagine going over and hanging out with him, and someone brings up the fact that might be fucking his ex, that everyone already thought I was sleeping with in the first place. Now...don't get me wrong, I want that girl real bad, but the good girl in me says, "don't do it." I want the good girl to just shut the fuck up and let me do what I want, but in the end I know that I'll kick myself in the ass if something happened. So I was thinking the other day...so if her and her bf really do break up, would I actually go through with anything? She's one of my best friends and I really wouldn't want to fuck up our friendship. Also, I was thinking what if something evolved from that? And that's when it hit me...I don't know if I could. I don't know if I would want to get hurt again.
So I started thinking. Is this just the feeling I get with her? That I just want to fuck her and that would be it or do I want something more that I know I can't have? FUCK! I always end up having feelings for people who either A:don't have them back or B: don't want me in the same way I want them. For once in my life I want someone to want me as much as I want them. Which brings me to the second part of this relationship rant.
Last night, there was a big group of people that I work with that all went out to IHOP together after inventory. All four of the managers and 6 of my fellow co-workers all together spending a nice, loud, and rambunctious 3am breakfast outing. At 4ish 3 out of the 4 mangers left, and the rest of us all went to Jen's house to drink and party at 4am. We all get there and it's an amazingly fun party for just the Dick's crew. So the one manager that decided to break the rules and hang out with us, was totally flirting with me all morning. She even agreed with me when I joked with one of the guys that had been flirting with her all night that I could get her to sleep with me way before she would sleep with him. Shot after shot, and it all just getting more intense. At one point I was standing in the kitchen and all the girls where discussing my boobs, and she just decided to try them out for herself, and she reaches from behind me and gropes me. A few minutes later she puts her arms around me and I was a little shocked, that for the first time, I wasn't the one doing all the work. When I went out for a smoke break, she followed me and decided to tell me that yes, she has slept with women before, and at that moment I think my brain just went Cha-ching! After that she continued to tell me that she just loves sex, and I thought I had just hit the jackpot. So all in all my drunken morning was absolutely amazing!!
but lets rewind to Friday. Friday was as all of you know 420 and I spent the entire day with the girl doing nothing but enjoying the peace and tranquility of the day with our other two friends. We jammed to Bob Marley, The Beatles, and 311 on the way to Friday's, but the night hadn't even begun until 8:30ish. When Brian pulled up beside us at Quizno's, the night started. She joked with Brian about giving him the night of his life, and while he jokingly thought about it, I asked him why it was taking so long to decide, I would have just said let's go. Which turned in to the discussion that she asked me if I've ever thought about having sex with her, and I answered honestly. At that moment I had thought I had told her that info before, but she informed me that that was the first time hearing that from me. Later that night, her, our mutual friend Nicole and I went to Champaign to go clubbing, and that's when I couldn't fully restrain myself. The drinks kept coming, and she kept feeding me shots of tequila. I whispered in her ear by the third shot, "If I get out of hand just stop me from doing whatever it is that I'm doing." She gave me the cutest giggle and said with out missing a beat she whispers back into my ear, "What says I'm going to stop you?" I couldn't do anything else but smile at her knowing that basically what ever I wanted I was going to get. When we finally decided to go dance, that's when everything all kicked in. She was dancing against me, and I just couldn't keep my hands off. As the songs changed, and the only things that changed where our rhythm, I kissed her neck, around and down to her neck. She just looked so beautiful that I couldn't help myself. On our last adventure to the bar to get more to drink, I told her I couldn't drink anymore. She asked me why, and I looked at her in the eyes and said, "If I drink anymore, you'll becoming back to my house." She laughed and I'm not sure if she thought I was joking or not. I think for the first time in my life I didn't think about the consequences of my actions and it felt so good. I finally got to be the bad girl, and I loved every moment!
A good/bad example: So this whole thing with the girl with a boyfriend, is getting worse for me to hold back my feelings. She knows that I want to sleep with her, and she also knows that I won't and can't do anything until her boyfriend situation is done. They're having rocky times right now because he wants to move out and she thinks that by him moving that they are going to be done. To me I should be celebrating and rejoicing for the fact that he would be out of the picture in the relationship sense, but he's also my friend, and I really can't imagine going over and hanging out with him, and someone brings up the fact that might be fucking his ex, that everyone already thought I was sleeping with in the first place. Now...don't get me wrong, I want that girl real bad, but the good girl in me says, "don't do it." I want the good girl to just shut the fuck up and let me do what I want, but in the end I know that I'll kick myself in the ass if something happened. So I was thinking the other day...so if her and her bf really do break up, would I actually go through with anything? She's one of my best friends and I really wouldn't want to fuck up our friendship. Also, I was thinking what if something evolved from that? And that's when it hit me...I don't know if I could. I don't know if I would want to get hurt again.
So I started thinking. Is this just the feeling I get with her? That I just want to fuck her and that would be it or do I want something more that I know I can't have? FUCK! I always end up having feelings for people who either A:don't have them back or B: don't want me in the same way I want them. For once in my life I want someone to want me as much as I want them. Which brings me to the second part of this relationship rant.
Last night, there was a big group of people that I work with that all went out to IHOP together after inventory. All four of the managers and 6 of my fellow co-workers all together spending a nice, loud, and rambunctious 3am breakfast outing. At 4ish 3 out of the 4 mangers left, and the rest of us all went to Jen's house to drink and party at 4am. We all get there and it's an amazingly fun party for just the Dick's crew. So the one manager that decided to break the rules and hang out with us, was totally flirting with me all morning. She even agreed with me when I joked with one of the guys that had been flirting with her all night that I could get her to sleep with me way before she would sleep with him. Shot after shot, and it all just getting more intense. At one point I was standing in the kitchen and all the girls where discussing my boobs, and she just decided to try them out for herself, and she reaches from behind me and gropes me. A few minutes later she puts her arms around me and I was a little shocked, that for the first time, I wasn't the one doing all the work. When I went out for a smoke break, she followed me and decided to tell me that yes, she has slept with women before, and at that moment I think my brain just went Cha-ching! After that she continued to tell me that she just loves sex, and I thought I had just hit the jackpot. So all in all my drunken morning was absolutely amazing!!
but lets rewind to Friday. Friday was as all of you know 420 and I spent the entire day with the girl doing nothing but enjoying the peace and tranquility of the day with our other two friends. We jammed to Bob Marley, The Beatles, and 311 on the way to Friday's, but the night hadn't even begun until 8:30ish. When Brian pulled up beside us at Quizno's, the night started. She joked with Brian about giving him the night of his life, and while he jokingly thought about it, I asked him why it was taking so long to decide, I would have just said let's go. Which turned in to the discussion that she asked me if I've ever thought about having sex with her, and I answered honestly. At that moment I had thought I had told her that info before, but she informed me that that was the first time hearing that from me. Later that night, her, our mutual friend Nicole and I went to Champaign to go clubbing, and that's when I couldn't fully restrain myself. The drinks kept coming, and she kept feeding me shots of tequila. I whispered in her ear by the third shot, "If I get out of hand just stop me from doing whatever it is that I'm doing." She gave me the cutest giggle and said with out missing a beat she whispers back into my ear, "What says I'm going to stop you?" I couldn't do anything else but smile at her knowing that basically what ever I wanted I was going to get. When we finally decided to go dance, that's when everything all kicked in. She was dancing against me, and I just couldn't keep my hands off. As the songs changed, and the only things that changed where our rhythm, I kissed her neck, around and down to her neck. She just looked so beautiful that I couldn't help myself. On our last adventure to the bar to get more to drink, I told her I couldn't drink anymore. She asked me why, and I looked at her in the eyes and said, "If I drink anymore, you'll becoming back to my house." She laughed and I'm not sure if she thought I was joking or not. I think for the first time in my life I didn't think about the consequences of my actions and it felt so good. I finally got to be the bad girl, and I loved every moment!