FIC: Prom Night: Gods and Monsters
So, uh, tikistitch and I got to tossing around ideas, and this happened. Enjoy!
Title: Prom Night: Gods and Monsters
Author: wikdsushi and tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Alexis Ofdensen-Wartooth attends her 8th grade prom with her AU cousin, a Hindu love god. Hilarity ensues.
Warnings: Slash, AU, OCs, middle school
Notes: Takes place in Mythklok and BPD AUs
Mythklok is a Metalocalypse AU, and…. Well, after that, it’s getting a bit difficult to summarize. In this universe, Charles Ofdensen is a Fallen angel who also goes by the name of Sariel. Through a rather complicated and unlikely set of circumstances, he now has an infant son, co-fathered (quite literally) by a Hindu elephant god named Ganesh. The boy, Elias, who everybody but Alexis Ofdensen-Wartooth generally calls “Boon,” is part angel, part Hindu love god, and part Voodoo prince (well, I warned you this was complicated). This story takes place a few years in the future in my chronology.
Alexis Ofdensen-Wartooth, on the other hand, come from the Big Damn Patchwork, which is an ever-growing (and still patchy) series about Charles and Toki getting it on, falling in love, and in a moment of insanity deciding to start a family. Their elder daugter, Rigyn, is technically Toki's cousin (and Skwisgaar's half-sister, on his deadbeat and probably divine father's side). The younger daughter, Alexis, is the product of Charles and his admin assistant, 246 (aka Doris). Doris volunteered for it, honest.
A ripple washed through the Female Online Division. Spines tingled. Small hairs stood on end.
"Is it Toki?" squealed a Klokateer, looking up from the blog of some woman who'd just lost a paternity suit (and would soon lose a lot more, once Mr. Ofdensen got wind of the language she'd used).
"Perhaps Master Explosion is nearby," a supervisor scolded mildly. She indulgently let the fluttering and giggling continue for a few moments. What was the sense of working here, she thought, if you couldn't have a bit of a charge at Their presence?
It wasn't Master Wartooth. Nor Master Explosion. Nor indeed any sort of rock god. He was instead a quite literal god--and one quarter angel, on his father's side.
He didn't look otherworldly, not entirely. He had, for the purposes of his visit, put away his extra set of arms, and tucked his dark, silver-tipped wings out of sight. But you might have been forgiven for finding him somehow out of place. For one thing, although he was obviously young, he had a posture like no American teenager--indeed, no teenager anywhere outside a principle dancer for the Bolshoi ballet. As he strode down Mordhaus's wide stone corridors, one could imagine a stack of telephone books smoothly balanced on top of his head.
There was otherwise not a lot that was remarkable about him. He was dressed in clean clothes, and looked well-scrubbed. He wore a pair of sunglasses indoors, an affectation he had picked up from his star-struck auntie, who happened to be a Seraph.
He made his way to a particular suite he had visited a couple of times before, though not in a very long time. However, he remembered the way, possibly due to his divine nature--or possibly due to his fathers drilling the directions into his head by way of a detailed map.
A tall, rather gorgeous blonde answered the door, a very domesticated-looking wolf wagging its tail at her feet. She glanced at him like he was pond scum, but suddenly straightened to her impressive full height.
"Hellos," she said, swinging her long, striking blonde hair. She tried to hide something behind her back, but the centerfold opened and Elias found himself with an eyeful of guitar. A custom Les Paul, if he wasn't mistaken, with "Daddy's Girl" written across the face in gothic lettering. "You goings to takes me for de ice creams while I here on Springs Break, handy-some?"
"Hi, Rigyn," the young man smiled.
"Elias?" she said. He nodded. "You gets so big!" And she pushed her hair back and fixed him with a gaze he sometimes saw just before his dads told him it was bedtime, and didn't he have some homework to do for the next few hours? ("Oh, and don't forget to turn up your stereo, jaanu. There's a good boy.")
Elias tipped down his sunglasses--his auntie's favorite trick. Elias's father possessed eyes that had been voted seventh sexiest in India. Elias had inherited them, and was currently utilizing them to their fullest extent. "Have I?" he asked.
Rigyn's predatory expression faltered, and she sighed like a smitten schoolgirl.
Someone walked up behind her: a pretty, heavyset girl with skin a shade darker than Elias's own, and tangled, dark, curly hair. She wore a no-nonsense scowl that bore a striking resemblance to that of his own father. Her glasses resembled his father's as well, though he couldn't say the same for her pink terrycloth robe with kittens on the collar.
"Good evening, Alexis," Elias said politely, doffing the sunglasses.
"Elias," she muttered sullenly.
"I keep telling you, you can call me---"
"Let's just get this shit over with," she grumbled, turning and stalking down the hall. Rigyn dramatically rolled her eyes and went back to her guitar magazine. Elias shrugged and followed Alexis, though he paused to pat Rigyn's wolf on the head.
"You get here early enough?" Alexis said. "I just finished drying my hair."
"Your father wanted to---"
"Rigyn!" shouted someone who sounded very nearly identical to Elias's father. "You keeping to the two-foot rule out there?"
"Ja, Daddy!" Rigyn shrieked from somewhere back behind them.
"Two-foot rule?" Elias asked Alexis.
"Rigyn's not supposed to get within two feet of anyone she might try to bang," Alexis said. "You probably didn't hear about when we went to Disney World over New Year's and Poppa caught her with half the cast of---"
"Is that your date, Bunny Rabbit?" the eerily familiar voice called.
Elias stopped. Something in Mr. Ofdensen's voice made his blood run cold. Maybe it was the way he used Alexis's pet name, or maybe it was the click of a revolver's hammer that followed. Sure, it wouldn't be much of a challenge to dodge a human bullet or two, but Elias doubted that would stop Charles Foster Ofdensen.
Any of them.
Alexis led Elias to the small living room, which was unusually cozy for being part of Mordhaus. Mr. Ofdensen sat on the comfy, dark gray couch, surrounded by a startling collection of guns. He peered through the chamber of a revolver at the TV, on which a masked lunatic chased a rather good-looking young man with a blood-drenched chainsaw. Mr. Ofdensen looked up and smiled.
The smile made it worse.
"I'm gonna go get dressed." Alexis clapped Elias on the shoulder. "If he asks if you want to go to the driving range, you might wanna run."
Mr. Ofdensen lifted an eyebrow, but Alexis left Elias standing in the doorway. Mr Ofdensen moved a couple of high-powered rifles and patted the couch next to him.
"Come here, son. We need to have a man-to-man talk."
Elias frowned, momentarily unable to speak. The sight took him aback. The man looked like his father, only, aged. Oddly, with his hair more silver than brown now, in some respects this universe’s human version of Charles Ofdensen resembled Sariel more than ever. That is, if the angel Sariel could get old.
Elias somewhat recovered himself. "Is, er, is Mr. Wartooth around? You know, so I can say hi---"
"Toki'll be out later. He's helping Alexis. You know, her first school dance and all. Hard to believe she turned 14 last week, isn't it?"
"Uh. Yes, sir." Elias looked around. He kind of wished Rigyn were there so he could hone his flirtation skills a bit more. He sort of wished, inappropriate of not, he had brought Abby along. She would have been annoyed as hell at Rigyn, but on the other hand, Abby always carried a very big sword. Alexis's father was even more terrifying than Elias's dad, and his dad could flick a finger and defoliate an entire tree. Papa Jacque was teaching Elias how to do it, too, but all his training as an Ogoun seemed to drain out through his feet when Mr. Ofdensen screwed a silencer onto a pistol with a wistful expression.
Gulping, Elias crept across the room and huddled on the far end of the couch. "Good evening, Mr. Ofdensen. It's nice to see you ag---"
Mr. Ofdensen leaned over. "Just so we got this straight, Boon, Rigyn started fucking around when she was 14. If I find out Alexis is doing the same thing, your balls are mine."
"But---"
"Your dad already gave me the okay to do it,” Mr. Ofdensen bragged. “And a handy little spell to do it with. I've already got the chicken."
Elias cringed. But then as so often happened, his dad's side of his brain took over, and, quite against his will, reasoning came out. "Er, sir...."
"What?"
"You do realize that spell wouldn't involve fowl blood? That's a bit of cultural misunder-"
"What are you, a fucking lawyer?"
"Er. No sir. I'm not intending on attending law school...."
"What?" Ofdensen ceased flourishing his weapons for a moment to stare in open horror.
"I plan on a career as a visual artist."
Mr. Ofdensen paused. Then a thin smile traced his lips. He leaned over, conspiratorially. "Son. You don't think you might be gay, do you?"
"Er. I don't think so, sir."
Mr. Ofdensen didn't reply, but merely muttered into his Mauser.
"Sir," Elias tried, "you don't have anything to worry about. He found his voice breaking in a way he had never heard it do. "I mean, Alexis is really pretty and all---"
"Goddamn right she is. My little girl's fucking beautiful."
"--But, you know, I just.... I don't really wanna do that with her."
He shivered when Mr. Ofdensen said, "And why wouldn't you?"
He was doomed. He pictured his headstone: Here lies Shri Brahma Vishnu Maheshwara Elias Ogoun Sen Michel, beloved son of Ganesha and Sariel. Murdered by his friend's dad before they even got to the dance. Elias took a deep breath, and said:
"'Cause it'd be disrespectful? And she, y'know, needs to wait? Because it's the right thing?"
Mr. Ofdensen narrowed his eyes. Elias did his best not to sweat through his suit. There was just something about the guy's stare that might even make Elias's dads run the other way---
Mr. Ofdensen chuckled and patted Elias on the shoulder. "Good answer. Now what's your real one?"
"Er. I'm sort of promised. To my second cousin. Sir."
"Promised? Are you people religious fanatics?"
"Well, my dad isn't close to Our Father. But my dad used to head his own religion."
Mr. Ofdensen frowned. Several things crossed his features: worry, confusion, annoyance, and finally, maybe a hint of relief. Elias sat up as straight as he could, his hands folded in his lap. He wondered if he might be able to fake a sudden attack of apoplexy to avoid this ill-favored dance. He wasn’t exactly certain what apoplexy was, but he’d seen it in one of his father’s old medical books, and it sounded serious. It wasn’t that he had a problem with dancing. But Mr. Ofdensen sure seemed to, at least where Alexis was concerned.
Elias barely held his sigh of relief as Mr. Ofdensen set aside his silenced pistol and fished a TV remote from between the couch cushions. "You, uh, ever watch a little show called Law & Order, kid?"
#
Elias blinked. He had ridden in a human limousine before. And he had definitely been escorted to events by hushed, hooded Klokateers on many an occasion.
He just didn't think he had ever, in his life, seen quite so much pink on one person before.
It was sort of cool.
He remembered his dad's most dismissive phrase, "Matchy-matchy." He, Abby, and Liam had been brought up under Auntie Raziel's couture-mad dominion, dressed in designer diapers from their first days on earth. He had the idea that Alexis was violating pretty much every possible written rule of fashion with her current outfit, and potentially some that were yet to be codified.
He very much wanted to run back to his universe and change so he could be as daring as Alexis. Maybe into a white suit? With a black shirt. And no tie. Even if his dad would put him in therapy for it.
"You should come to my next opening," he found himself babbling.
From the other end of the limo, Alexis scowled up from a small, pink video game system. "Opening?"
"Er. My next art opening?"
"What do you mean?
"I'm gonna be an artist. And I have a couple pieces on display at the Museum of Contemporary---"
"You're gonna WHAT?" Alexis' voice raised at least an octave. She crawled to the seat across from Elias in an explosion of tulle and sequins. "You're not gonna be a lawyer?"
"Yeah, I already got that from your dad. He looked like he was gonna put his Mauser in his mouth."
"He's already got me pre-enrolled at Harvard Law," she said with a small sneer. "He knows I wanted to go to Stanford."
"Yeah, I know."
"How?"
"Er. You dad just told me. Five minutes ago. He's pretty---"
Alexis held up a hand tipped with bubblegum pink nails. "Say a word against Daddy, and you can walk home from here."
"OK," Elias said, looking a bit puzzled. "So you felt pressured to be a lawyer?"
"No. I mean, Daddy and Poppa say my first word was 'litigate.' Daddy's just a little, I dunno, eager for me to be like him. Like, exactly like him. 'Specially since Rigyn's got her heart set on playing guitar and music production and stuff."
"I think my dads were disappointed. But they try not to show it. And I think Abby is gonna be a lawyer, because she wants to be just like my dad for some reason. She's nuts, if you ask me. But that made it better."
"Both of your fathers are important corporate attorneys, aren't they?"
"Yeah. I mean, my dad still practices, but my dad is mostly doing public interest...."
"Your dad? Which dad?"
"They're both my dad," Elias smiled.
"Elias. Are you stoned or something?"
"You know, everybody calls me Boon."
"I'm not everybody."
"No, you're clearly not everybody."
There was that fucking smile again. Alexis glowered, wishing she were back watching L&O with Daddy. Why had he and Poppa convinced her to come out and make a spectacle of herself? And with this horrible boy, who just kept smiling and being pretty. Not that she supposed he could really help being pretty. He had that pretty weasel of a dad. Daddy couldn't stand to be around the jerk for more than ten minutes at a time, which spoke pretty highly to Ganesh's character, as far as Alexis was concerned.
"What are you thinking?" Elias asked.
"I'm thinking I'd rather be back home watching Law & Order with Daddy."
"Oh, that television program your father was watching? I think I was making him upset."
"That's not surprising."
"I wondered why human detectives need be so astoundingly attractive. It doesn't seem like it would be necessary for their job function!"
She huffed, blowing several dark brown curls away from her face. "Everyone likes pretty people. The whole fucking world is that way."
"I guess humans are like gods, huh?"
"Yeah. I guess we are."
"I mostly hang out with my cousins. Did you want to see pictures?"
"Can I say no?"
But he was sitting beside her, well within cootie contamination distance, and wielding his cell phone.
"I'm a black belt in juujustsu," she warned, as she believed it was warranted. "I nearly broke Daddy's arm when I was seven."
"Oh, that's cool! My Abby is training as a sword fighter. Here’s my latest picture."
Alexis ventured a glance. Blue eyes, dark hair, delicate little features. No double chin. Pretty much a young Liz Taylor, but prettier. Of course Abby would blossom like that, given what her mom looked like. Alexis's biological mom was even fatter than Alexis, which didn't bode well for high school. "Yeah. She's fucking gorgeous."
"Oh. She would like that! She doesn't think she's pretty." He looked at the cell phone picture for a few more seconds, all googly eyed. He obviously thought she was gorgeous. And then he snapped out of it. "But I'm training to be an Ogoun!"
"To be... O'Goon? Are you Irish-Indian or something?"
"You know. Santeria. Does your dad have you training yet?"
"Wait. You're training in... is that Voodoo?"
The limo slowed and stopped. Elias smiled. ”Yeah. Though dad wasn’t initiated ‘til pretty late. But dad got training with Elegba himself!”
A Klokateer opened the car door. "Princess Alexis," he announced. "We have arrived."
Elias grinned and grabbed Alexis's hand to pull her out of the limo. Alexis pulled her hand free and climbed out, wishing she had maybe gone with something besides thirty yards of tulle for a skirt. Auntie Doris had warned her it would be a pain in the ass, but Auntie Doris had also said there was no shame in showing her fat arms. Alexis folded her arms and was glad she had at least worn comfortable shoes as Elias extracted himself from the limo with more grace than anyone deserved. Why the hell had Poppa arranged for Mr. Perfect to go with her? Didn't he understand that Sunny Dawkins always wandered around with uglier girls to make herself look prettier---
Alexis's stomach hurt as she remembered Sunny would be at the stupid dance. More than ever, she wanted to go home and spend an evening with Daddy, nitpicking the legal issues in L&O together.
"I'm sorry I don't have a corsage or anything for you," Elias said. "Auntie Raziel says they're gauche. I did think about it, though."
"Forget it." Alexis turned tail and, Elias trailing behind, marched toward the door of the stupid fancy hotel her stupid prep school had hired for its stupid dance.
They followed the signs reading "Edenbridge Academy 8th Grade Prom," and soon found themselves outside a set of closed double doors. The wood of the doors thumped with shitty dance music. There might be a little Dethklok somewhere in the track listing, but Alexis kept her hopes low on hearing any other metal. She looked over when Elias tapped her arm.
"Are we going in?" he said, his smile as brilliant and infuriating as ever.
"You wanna go see a movie or something instead? Night of the Bees 4 just opened."
Elias's eyebrows drew together. He stepped closer. Alexis stepped away, but Elias said, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm great."
"I've never been to anything like this before. I have a tutor, so I don't go to school." Elias took half a step closer. Alexis pulled him out of the way so a couple of kids could get past, including Kenny James, whom Alexis secretly wanted to invite back home for DDR and pizza. Kenny waved, and Alexis turned her back on him. He could pretend to flirt all he wanted, but after what happened last year with Tomas Gomez, the last thing Alexis needed was the whole school saying she'd done someone in the boys' locker room again.
"You're lucky." Alexis pursed her mouth, then rooted in her embarrassingly tiny purse for her lipstick and a mirror. "I wish I had a tutor. Daddy and Poppa want me to 'grow up normal,' though. Fuck normal."
She put on another coat of pink lipstick. It probably looked horrible, but she didn't care. She liked pink, and Poppa said it was pretty, and that was the end of it. Still, she wished she and Elias hadn't had to parade in front of her uncles before they left. Uncle Nathan had gotten all weepy and humiliating, and Uncles Murderface and Pickles couldn't stop taking pictures. Even Skwisgaar had made some stupid comment about dumping Auntie Doris for "de beauskifuls youngers woman." She kinda wanted to hug him for it, but she also kinda wanted to run away and die.
Elias sighed and reached into his coat's inside pocket. He withdrew something that looked like a blunt fishhook with a chain of pearls hanging from it. "Auntie Raziel said I could borrow this instead of giving you flowers," he said, holding it up. "She said every stylish woman needs a witty accoutrement. Er. Whatever that it."
"What am I supposed to do with it? Hang it from my nose?"
Elias rolled his eyes. "Bend your head down."
Against her better judgment, Alexis did. Elias hooked the thing in her hair so it fell over her forehead.
"Do I look like a total idiot yet?" she said.
"Well, it was either this or the ski goggles. I think this works better with the outfit."
Alexis sighed. She wanted to throw it back at him, but it wasn't worth it. She probably looked like a complete moron, but what was new? She kept her head down as Elias, the jerk, dragged her into the ballroom. She cringed at the thumping music and flashing lights. Still, if she kept to the wall, nobody would see her and she could just hide until 10:00, when the stupid dance ended---
"Hey, everyone, it's Barbie! No, wait, it's just her pink highness," Sunny Dawkins said for everyone to hear. Her bitch posse laughed. "Wow, Princess Alexis. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were their highnesses."
"Go 'way, Sunny," Alexis mumbled. She didn't dare look up.
Sunny sauntered closer. She had boobs and a waist and pretty white skin and black hair. She wore a slinky little strapless dress that didn't make her look like some stupid little girl who wanted to be a ballerina. Alexis wished she had listened to Auntie Doris and gotten a plainer dress. Sunny stopped right in front of her.
"Excuse me," Elias said to Sunny. "Have we been introduced?"
Alexis wished Elias would quit pretending to be nice and just leave her alone. Sunny looked Elias up and down, then turned to Alexis.
"Wow. How much did you have to pay him to come here with Your Royal Hipponess?"
"Actually...." Elias started.
"He's my cousin," Alexis said before Elias could say anything to make it worse.
"Well, when your cousin's finished hanging out with a fat slut, tell him he can come dance with me. I'll make it all better." Sunny gave Alexis her perfect smile and went back to the dance floor with her stupid, laughing friends.
"Come on." Elias grabbed Alexis's arm. "Let's go get some punch or something."
"I'm not thirsty." But she went with him, anyway. He was surprisingly strong for his size. Kind of like Daddy.
"So, that Sparky girl?" Elias asked. But he was staring intently at his cell phone.
"Sunny."
"Yeah. Is she our friend?"
"She's not MY friend," Alexis grumbled.
"Then she's our enemy?"
"Just.... I don't wanna talk about Sunny Fucking Dawkins. OK?"
The song changed. Elias's pretty eyes lit up. "Oh, this is a good one. Do you like slow dancing?"
Alexis cringed in horror. "This song is a million years old!"
"Yeah, my dads like to dance to this one."
"Your dads slow dance?" It seemed too icky for words, even though she knew good and well Daddy and Poppa sometimes did it with the living room door shut. It was different when it was them. If nothing else, they didn't have a million arms and wings and whatever else sticking out all over the place. And it was Daddy and Poppa. They'd been married nearly 16 years, and Daddy still looked like a lovesick moron whenever Poppa kissed him.
"Yeah, my dad taught my dad. He didn't like it at first, but then my dad danced him the Mahabharata when they were dating!"
Before Alexis could wonder if she needed to call Klokateer security, she found herself swept to the middle of the dance floor, where a horrible boy seemed determined to make her dance to horrible music.
"No, no," Elias cheerfully urged. "You look into my eyes, not at my feet. Come on, this is an easy one!"
Alexis had actually been extensively drilled in the art and science of dancing by her overprotective father this past month. However, practicing with Daddy to the sound of Poppa playing the rhythm line to "High School Dance Massacre" was poor preparation for being in the arms of a living, breathing boy. As soon as she tried to move her feet, she crushed one of his with her regrettable pink shoe.
"I..... I need some air," Alexis told him, fleeing for the sidelines and, she hoped, some very large pink shadows to hide in.
"Hey, that's OK," Elias assured her. "You should have seen what happened when I tried to show Abby the Cha Cha!"
Alexis wondered if it would be physically possible to crawl up her own pink asshole and disappear in a puff of tulle. It didn't help to find Sunny simpering in her face.
"Oh, this is my FAVORITE SONG," Sunny trilled. "Would you mind if I borrowed your royal cousin, Your Highness?"
"Is it OK if I go dance with Sneezy?" Elias politely asked Alexis.
"Sunny," Sunny hissed, sounding not at all so.
'You did say you wanted a breather," Elias reminded Alexis.
"Oh, is this too ATHLETIC for you?" Sunny cooed.
Alexis found she couldn't speak, though she kinda wanted to show Sunny just how athletic she really was. She waved them off, hoping they would both go far, far away.
"OK, Snarky!" Elias grinned.
"SUNNY," she rasped as she dug her fingers into his arm and dragged him away.
Alexis moodily returned to the punchbowl and grabbed a glass. She ruefully wished she had thought to grab something from Uncle Pickles with which to spike the stuff. She glanced over to where Elias was now talking and laughing with Sunny's gaggle of bitches. He always seemed to keep his thumbs working on his cell phone. She wondered if Abby was psychotically jealous or something.
Someone tapped Alexis on the shoulder. She turned,and nearly cried real tears to see an actual friend. When at age 13 Alexis had suddenly burst out, all butt and boobs, her friend Barb had shot up taller than almost any of the boys. People called her Skeletor. To her face.
And she was a scholarship student to boot. When Alexis started feeling too sorry for herself, she would remember Barb, who even wore her school uniform on weekends so her family wouldn't have to spend money on anything else. She and Alexis almost shared a birthday, so Poppa had taken them both dance dress shopping as Barb's present. At that moment, Alexis wished she had Barb's sense of taste--which pretty much extended to black, plain, and prone to vanishing in shadows.
"Who's the guy?" Barb asked.
"That's my stupid cousin."
"Oh. I can't remember seeing him before."
"He's from, uh, out of town."
"Is he nice?"
"Doesn't matter. He'll be dry-humping Sunny soon---"
"Hi! I'm Elias, but you can call me Boon. We haven't met!"
Alexis turned in shock to see Elias extending a hand to Barb. She took it, giggling a little bit, and offered a coy "Barb."
Alexis scowled.
"Would you like a dance, Barb? Or are you sitting it out like Alexis?" Elias inquired.
Barb had suddenly gotten all weird and fluttery. "Oh. Uh. You wouldn't mind? Would you, Lexis? I mean, just one dance?"
Alexis glowered murderously. "Of course not," she intoned.
And they were off. Alexis sipped her unspiked punch and watched her traitorous friend have a good time. It was horrible. Barb wasn't the greatest dancer, but Elias had this evil Fred Astaire trick of making his partner look good. And even when she stumbled, he'd grin, and they'd laugh and act like they were having a great old time.
Alexis stopped wishing she'd stolen some psychoactive substances from Uncle Pickles, and started wishing she'd stolen some slow-acting poison from Daddy's safe.
"Hey, Alexis." Kenny James sidled up next to her. "You having a good time?"
"What do you want?"
Kenny shrugged. He wasn't dressed nearly as well as Elias, and he wasn't remotely as handsome, but her skin prickled where he stood next to her bare arm. "Nothin'. How's the punch?"
Alexis closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Look, I know what's going on. Let's pretend we've already danced and you've dragged me outside to talk, and just go ahead and tell the whole school we did it. Get it over with."
Kenny scowled, which looked weird with his freckles and bushy red eyebrows. "What the hell are you--Wait, does this have to do with that stupid prank Tomas pulled?"
"Leave me the fuck alone, Kenny. Or do I have to call my dad?"
Kenny grinned. "Poppa Wartooth or Daddy Warbucks--Ack!"
Alexis lifted Kenny an inch off the floor. He fumbled for her hands where she gripped his collar.
"Don't. Call him. That," Alexis said. "His name is Charles Fucking Ofdensen, and next time you talk about him, you goddamn better call him sir!"
"Sorry," Kenny rasped. "I just wanted to dance---"
Alexis dropped him and stormed to the other end of the refreshment table. She grabbed a couple of brownies and plopped down in a chair where she could watch Elias and Barb and Sunny and everyone else in her entire fucking grade have a great time, while she just got fatter. It didn't matter if she could run a marathon, or go toe-to-toe with Daddy in the dojo, or bench press nearly as much as Poppa. Until she graduated and got the goddamn cocksucking fuck away from Edenbridge Academy, she'd just be Rigyn Ofdensen-Wartooth's baby sister, the fat whore.
She glowered at Sunny, who was dancing with her bitch posse in the middle of the floor like they owned the damn thing. Not far away, Barb stumbled again and Elias swept her into his arms and spun her around while she laughed. Alexis bowed her head and left the whole tribe of traitors and villains to their stupid fun.
#
Elias finally finished dancing with Barb. And Yancey, who was gay. And Darlene. And Justine and Juliette, who were twins. And Michael P.--not Michael Q.--who did it on a dare, but according to rumor was starting to question his sexuality after Elias spent a whole song staring into his eyes. In fact, Elias danced with damn near all the girls and at least three of the boys, and two of the lady chaperones to boot.
It was 8:45, and about the only person Elias hadn't really danced with was Alexis. Him dragging her to the dance floor and her running away didn't count, after all. Never mind that she didn't feel like dancing, with him, Kenny, or anyone else. She looked up from her eighth or ninth brownie to see Elias dancing with Barb again. Goody for Barb. Alexis stuffed her brownie into her mouth and wished she could just go to Columbia along with Rigyn when she left again at the end of summer. Rigyn might be a slut, but she was also the only sister Alexis would ever have. They looked out for each other. Even if Rigyn stayed up all damn night playing guitar.
The song changed. Alexis ignored it until someone nudged her with an elbow. She looked up to find Elias holding two cups of punch.
"You thirsty?" he said.
Alexis shrugged, but took a cup and downed it. Elias sipped his, texting with one hand. He snorted into his punch, but managed not to spill any.
"Oh, Abby," he said, and set to typing with his thumb while he grinned his infuriatingly beautiful grin.
"You've been dancing a lot," Alexis found herself saying.
"Oh, yeah, I'm Lord of the Dance," he volunteered, still pecking like fury at his phone.
"Lord of the Dance?" Alexis was glad she had finished her punch, else it would probably have ended up spat across the ballroom. Was there really no limit to this guy? Was he gonna be Lord of the Sith or something, too?
"Or at least it's one of my roles. My Unky Vishnu says I lack showmanship. I'd actually rather be doing spells with Papa Jacque. But this is what Unky would call a ripe opportunity to spread expression through movement among a group of joyful beings."
"Joyful?" Alexis snorted.
"Yeah, sure." Elias had grabbed her cup and made a perfect rimshot into the trash can, and she felt herself being dragged once again onto the dance floor. She considered struggling, but gave up. Just like with Kenny's little plan to repeat Tomas Gomez's assholery, it was easier just to get things over with so she could get back to her miserable privacy.
"Hey, look at me," Elias said once they got to the dance floor. Another slow song was playing, which meant Alexis had no excuse to windmill like Poppa. "You've been looking down all night. Am I that ugly?"
"Yeah." But Alexis glanced up. Elias grinned. It made her want to squirm, though it helped when she reminded herself that no boy as good-looking as Elias would grin at her as anything but a would-be cousin.
"You know what I was thinking. I was just texting Abby, and she says...."
Alexis gritted her teeth. Did Mr. Perfect have to spend the evening battering her over the head with his fucking perfect destined girlfriend? She took a step back and fixed him with a stare.
"You know what. Elias? I don't give a shit how pretty you are, or how powerful, or that you've got stuff displayed in the Museum of Modern My Ass. You're just as much of a lousy fucker as the rest of these assholes. So why don't you go back to your own kind and lock lips with Sunny or something? Or are you too busy sexting your cousin? Seriously, where were you born? Incest, Arkansas?"
Elias blinked. "Sexting. Oh, no, Abby and I haven't been intimate. We're too young. My dad says---"
"Which fucking dad? The fucking angel? Or the fucking Elephant Man?"
It was just that quick. He was standing there. And then he wasn't.
And Alexis was on the dance floor, alone and furious. She glowered, and glowered harder when she thought of a couple more really good insults.
It didn't take her very long to find him. He was sitting in a chair in the hotel lobby, legs all twisted up like a skinny, pretty little Buddha, no doubt texting his cute girlfriend. Alexis did a double take when she got close, though. His eyes seemed darker. And not so pretty.
But the strange thing was the room. There was a funny pressure, like it was about to rain. Inside the lobby. And not just rainwater, but maybe frogs or lizards or hot lava or something.
"You need to call the limo so they'll pick us up," he said. "Then you can go watch that TV program with all the pretty people with your dad." He did not rise, nor did he look up from his cell phone.
"So, that's it. You're gonna sulk? Like a girl?"
His eyes were on her now. "People don't say things about my dads." Alexis felt the pressure in the room increase slightly. The hairs on her arms were standing up. It was weird. Sort of cool and scary at the same time.
There were a million insults jostling in her head, but she couldn't be bothered to say them. Elias probably had no idea he'd been a jerk all night. Pretty people usually didn't, in Alexis's experience.
"I don't like people talking about my dads, either," she sighed, collapsing into a chair next to Elias. "Sorry I said that. Your dad's not the Elephant Man."
He shot her a look.
"You could be nicer too, you know," she scolded, folding her arms defiantly.
"Oh. How?"
Alexis went quiet for a moment. He seemed genuinely curious. "You spent the whole fucking night dancing and flirting with everybody but me!"
"I've told you. That's my role."
"Can't you fucking forget you're a god or whatever the fuck you are for one night?"
"It's part of my duties to spread joy of movement among beings."
"I'm a being, too!" Alexis protested.
"Hmm. I hadn't thought of that." He inclined his head. "But I thought you didn't wanna dance with me?"
"Maybe. Look. It isn't really your fault. You're this strange god guy who flirts with fucking Rigyn when she's being all Junior Cougar. And, no one even looks at me."
"What about that guy?"
"What guy?"
"That guy."
"What guy?"
"The one you clobbered."
Alexis glowered. She wondered if she could make an entire room angry like Boon.
“He. Doesn't. Like. Me," she said. Elias was obviously too stupid to pick up on the nuances of junior high. "They pretend to like me. There was a guy who did it last year, too. It's just a stupid prank. Trying to make me look like an idiot. You just don't have any idea."
"Well, I can't really have any idea if you don't say anything. I mean, it's nice to talk to a girl who doesn't giggle and get all weird. But then you try to say things that will make me angry, and I'm not really sure why."
"Because...." Alexis pursed her mouth as she trailed off. She touched the witty accoutrement (whatever the fuck that was) he had stuck in her hair. She didn't even really want to dance. She just wanted someone to be miserable with her, and in the process maybe make her feel a little better.
"'Cause you're there," she finally said, looking at her lap. "Sorry. Look, I really don't like my school. The assholes there, anyway. Being stuck with all of them the first Saturday night of Spring Break is just, you know, a little much. And because if I beat the shit out of Sunny like I want to, she'll play martyr for the rest of time. I don't think I can deal with that."
"Sparky isn't so much. She's just mean."
"Sunny. And what am I gonna do about it? Tell Daddy? You saw what he's like. I really don't wanna have to come to school and listen to everyone whisper about how Daddy Warbucks made someone disappear because his pwecious baby pwincess was gonna cwy. Poppa's not any better. He'd just curb-stomp someone to death and let Daddy sort it out."
"Papa Jacque says we Ogouns shouldn't let an insult pass by---"
"Stop talking about me like I'm one of you people! You just... you don't understand, Boon." She hugged her too-small purse to her. "I'm not a god or an angel or anything like that. I live in the real world. I have to take some shit. A lot of shit."
"Actually, you don't. Abby had a couple suggestions, but I told her I don't think humans' heads grow back."
"Abby says...? How does Miss Perfect know about this?"
"We've been texting about Snotty all night!" he said, holding up his cell phone.
"Sunny." Alexis scooted her chair closer for a better look. "Boy, that's a really bad picture of her."
"No. She just has a really saggy butt," Elias explained. "Her face isn't anything to brag about, either. Anyway, Abby and Liam had some suggestions, but, you know, they're not Ogouns like us. Though Auntie Raziel did work as a vengeance angel---"
"What is this Ogoun crap you keep talking about?"
"We're warriors and Voodoo gods! Papa Jacque says an Ogoun shouldn't let an insult go by! And when they insult one of us, they insult us all!" Elias paused with a little frown. "You might be an Erzulie. I mean, you're a girl. But you remind me more of an Ogoun." He smiled suddenly. "But you act kinda like Erzulie Dantor. She wears pink a lot, and you should see her beat the shit out of a guy three times her size. She even looks a lot like you."
Alexis blinked. "Seriously?"
"Yeah. She's smart and pretty and scary." His pretty eyes widened. "And she's a lawyer!" As if that sealed it right there.
Alexis didn't quite know what to think. She had heard of some goddess named Erzulie--apparently, Dethklok had accidentally summoned her when they played some Haiti benefit show--and she assumed Ogouns were kinda the same, but guys. The thought of being one of them, even as an honorary or make-believe thing, left her feeling warm and funny inside, like she did when she kicked Daddy's ass to the dojo floor.
She looked around. The room wasn't threatening any more. It had gotten... happy? Well, at least more pleased. Boon could make rooms change their mood. It was too strange.
"That Erzulie person sounds like a neat lady," she finally said.
Elias leaned forward, whipping out his cell phone once again. "So. Spanky?"
Alexis didn't bother to correct him. She thought for a minute, fidgeting with part of her tulle skirt. She kinda liked Elias: he was annoying and too cute by half, but he was just too fucking odd not to like.
She had a vague memory of him goofing off for Rigyn when they were little. He had wings, and too many arms, and floated like he was weightless. Rigyn had laughed at his funny faces and his loud, "BLAAAARGH!"---
Alexis grinned. She looked at Elias.
"So, uh. Did your dads ever tell you the best way to destroy someone's case is to discredit them...?"
#
Bad dance music blasted from the intercom.
A boy was making his way through the center of the ballroom, straight through the dance floor crowd. The kids subtly moved aside to let him pass. A few of the girls, and maybe even a few of the boys, may have paused and sighed or giggled.
Alexis was staring from the sidelines. It was weird. He could actually turn it on and off, like hitting a switch. Or more like twisting on a dimmer light. And he'd pushed it up to the point that, well, even she felt a bit woozy. Well, just a little bit. After all, he was sort of her brother. Getting all sappy over him would just be weird.
Boon had told her, "My Unky Vishnu would say, you need to sell this!" Vishnu--the Krishna guy they sang about? It had almost stopped being weird. And then he had told her, "Just act like you always do, kind of moody and self-pitying." And she hadn't smacked him across the room for it. Because that's how good the plan was.
She tried to munch on a brownie. It was funny: when she was ordered to act moody, she really just wanted to act all perky and happy, like she did when it was just her and Daddy and Poppa and Rigyn and her uncles.
Boon had reached Sunny's crowd. He walked boldly up to her, as her troupe of uglier girls obediently stood aside.
He tilted down his sunglasses and gave a full on Look. Alexis blinked over her brownie. Did Sunny just cream her panties? Whoa. And then there was a slight incline of the head, and Sunny was pattering on after him like a faithful wolf.
And they were out the door, and out of the ballroom.
Alexis found she was crumbling her brownie into smaller bits. She frowned.
"Uh. You're not gonna hit me, are you?"
She turned. Kenny. "I'm---"
"Look, I shouldn't have said that about your dad. But, you know." He looked like he was winding himself up. "You can't treat people like that. It isn't---"
"I'm sorry. That crap with Tomas. People here act like they can just be shits to me."
"Tomas is an asshole. Why do you think I'm one, too?" He sounded genuinely hurt.
She shrugged. "I think… I think you're probably not an asshole."
Kenny smiled. It wasn't a thousand watt godlike smile. But it was a pretty nice smile.
Alexis still didn't want to dance in front of her whole school, but she fidgeted as she summoned the courage to see if Kenny wanted to maybe get pizza and play video games with her and Poppa sometime. He was a pretty big Dethklok fan, so he'd probably be cool with playing Corpse Corps with Toki Wartooth (and maybe Uncle Murderface, who got pretty funny when he really got into the game). She was just opening her mouth to mention it when a scream drowned out the shitty dance music.
"OH HOLY JESUS! HE'S A DEMON!"
Alexis and Kenny both turned--as did the entire population of the ballroom--at the piercing shriek.
"HE'S A DEMON FROM HELL! HELP MEEEEEE! GOD HELP MEEEEEEE!"
Sunny's posse had surrounded her. One girl was holding on to her. But a couple of them looked a little puzzled at her thrashing.
"What the heck?" asked Kenny. 'Heck?' It was pretty cute.
Alexis bit her lip.
"What is going on?" It was Barb. Alexis gave what she hoped was an innocent shrug while Sunny raved, her volume diminishing as her voice started to give out.
Alexis and Barb and Kenny edged nearer. Sunny gave another piercing shriek.
Elias stood at the edge of the crowd. He had dialed the god dimmer all the way down, and looked like the world's most innocent boy. Well, other than the lipstick smeared all over his face.
"Goodness. Sunny. Is she all right?" he asked solicitously of the caterwauling Sunny.
"YOU'RE A DEMON!" Sunny yowled. "BEGONE, DEMON OF HELL!" She struggled against the people restraining her. A few giggles--not nervous ones, either--rose up from Alexis's gathered classmates.
"We were kissing. She said she wanted a drink of water...." Elias was telling a chaperone as he rubbed his face with a handkerchief. It was one of the ladies who had been dancing with him earlier. "I had no idea. Is she particularly religious?"
"HE HAS BAT WINGS! AND 20 ARMS!" Sunny gestured with her own arms. Alexis noticed she was frothing at the mouth. Just a bit. "HE'S FROM HELLLLLL!"
Alexis noted that several of the girls from Sunny's bitch posse had backed off into the crowd. There were still a couple of the True Believers hanging onto her, but honestly, they looked a bit spooked.
Sunny was quietly but efficiently moved to the periphery of the dance floor, and thence out the door, and finally to a waiting ambulance. And the Edenbridge Academy 8th Grade Prom was brought to a sudden and premature halt.
"I don't have bat wings!" Elias muttered as he and Alexis leaned against the limo and watched the ambulance take off. "I have angel wings! What an idiot!"
Alexis smirked at Elias' fuming. "So, don't talk about your dads, and don't talk about your wings?"
He turned. "They're angel wings," he said, somewhat sullenly.
"I'm sure they're really pretty. I think maybe Rigyn still has one of your feathers."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. There's a story. I guess when we were kids, we sort of plucked your dad."
"REALLY? Oh, I bet he hated that!"
"I think so. I guess I liked it when he had them out?"
"Yeah! He said it was the only thing that quieted me down when I was little. Well, that or playing with Unky William's knives."
"You played with-? Uh. We're out a little early. Did you wanna come back to the 'haus and play video games? Or, I dunno. Something?"
"Er. Unky Pickles isn't supposed to be by for a while to pick me up. Will your dad shoot me?"
"Probably not." She smiled as they clambered into the limo. "But, we'll probably be forced to play DDR with Poppa before we can get to any of the really violent games."
"DDR? What's that?"
Alexis sighed. "It's Poppa's favorite that he's been playing since forever. We have to play until he beats my ass three of five or four of seven or whatever, until he's tired. And then he can laugh at how I suck and give me noogies and go paint models or some shit 'til Daddy drags his ass to bed."
"But, what's the game?" Elias repeated.
"Oh, it's something where you dance...." Alexis trailed off.
#
"Sure you don't wanna go another round? This is the best game ever!"
Alexis's father--Boon could only think of him as Toki--scowled. "I ams bes in my models rooms," he grumbled, stalking out of the main living room.
"Is he OK?" Elias asked.
Alexis grinned. "Sorry, Boon. Poppa isn't such a great loser sometimes."
"This is such a great game! I need to tell my dads!"
"Yoo can tell 'em tomorrow," Pickles, who had just appeared in the room, told him.
"Hey, Unky Pickles! Have you played DDR? It's the greatest game ever!"
"Naw. I always lose t' feckin' Toki."
"Your Toki is the same as my Poppa?" Alexis asked him. She wondered if she and Boon could arrange an All-Toki Dance-Off.
"Mebbe. Dere is a resemblance," Pickles grinned. Alexis smiled. He looked so much like her Uncle Pickles. "Yoo ready t' go, Boon dood?" he asked Elias.
"Oh, yeah, it was really cool, I went to a human dance, and I danced with everybody...."
"Boon." Pickles had Elias by the shoulders and physically turned him around. "Yoo gonna say t'anks t' Alexis fer invitin' yoo?"
"Oh!" Boon was suddenly pumping Alexis' hand. "Oh, yeah, thank you! I gotta go, but it was fun, and I need to tell people about DDR, and maybe you can text me---"
"Text you?" Alexis asked, looking to Pickles in confusion.
"Lady Raz has a cell phone. We'll give yer dad da information, if yoo want. She's got a trans-dimensional data plan. Nice dress, by da way. Real poofy."
"Uh. OK," said Alexis. She wondered if Daddy might be willing to up her messages plan. (Sticking her with only 300 a month was bullshit.)
"Bye, Alexis!" Boon said. "Human children are really amazing," he told Pickles, grabbing on to an elbow.
"I'm shure day are, kiddo," Pickles told Elias as they disappeared.
"Bunny Rabbit?"
"Are you still up, Daddy?" Alexis asked. Daddy didn't usually venture into the living room when the DDR machine was active. He said he didn't like to encourage Poppa's bloodlust .
He crossed his arms and looked at the floor. "I'm sorry, Bunny."
"What are you sorry for?"
"I made you go to your first dance with that mutant kid. I thought it would be fun for you. But, he's a bit off his rocker. I almost called the Klokateers to bring you home."
Alexis shrugged. "I had an OK time."
"You did?" Daddy asked suspiciously. "He didn't work his angel love god shit on you, did he?"
"He's a Lord of the Dance. Actually."
"Like that Michael Flatley guy? You know, I've, uh, heard stories of what used to happen backstage at---"
"Look. Daddy. Nothing happened. He shook my hand goodbye."
"He did what? Why didn't he try to kiss you?"
"Uh. Because you would have killed him?"
"Yes, but he should have tried! My little girl is worth dying for!"
"If you say so, Daddy," she said, slipping an arm into his. "Is there any L&O on the Tivo?"
"Of course there is. Little angel kid couldn't even appreciate quality TV!"
Alexis considered asking Daddy if he thought the detectives were a little too pretty, but she decided he had probably been uptight enough all night. Poppa had been a little too eager to play DDR, which was really saying something, and meant Daddy had probably spent most of the evening pacing back and forth with a shotgun in his hands. Alexis wondered how he would respond to Kenny coming over for pizza and video games, and decided she could mention it in the morning.
"Hey, Daddy? What do you know about Voodoo?"
"What the fuck should I know about Voodoo?" Daddy narrowed his eyes. "That angel kid didn't threaten you with a chicken, did he?"
"Uh. One of the teachers chaperoning mentioned we've got a project on Haiti coming up. I can Google it---"
"Nice try, Bunny." Daddy kissed Alexis on the head. "So he was nice? Respectful? Doesn't, uh, need to be buried in a cornfield somewhere? What the fuck is this thing in your hair?"
"Uh. A witty accoutrement I forgot to send back?" Alexis took it out. "Boon's aunt says corsages are gauche, so she loaned---"
"Hey, anything that keeps him from pinning something to your chest is all right by me." Daddy went quiet, watching Alexis. "Damn it," he finally said under his breath. "I really wanted you to stay little for longer."
Alexis hugged him. "That mean you want grandkids? They're little."
Silence. Alexis looked up to find Daddy even paler than usual.
"Bunny Rabbit," he said, his eyes wide and his stare brittle. "Don't even joke. Don't. Even. Joke."
Alexis decided she could definitely wait until later to mention Kenny.
Title: Prom Night: Gods and Monsters
Author: wikdsushi and tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Alexis Ofdensen-Wartooth attends her 8th grade prom with her AU cousin, a Hindu love god. Hilarity ensues.
Warnings: Slash, AU, OCs, middle school
Notes: Takes place in Mythklok and BPD AUs
Mythklok is a Metalocalypse AU, and…. Well, after that, it’s getting a bit difficult to summarize. In this universe, Charles Ofdensen is a Fallen angel who also goes by the name of Sariel. Through a rather complicated and unlikely set of circumstances, he now has an infant son, co-fathered (quite literally) by a Hindu elephant god named Ganesh. The boy, Elias, who everybody but Alexis Ofdensen-Wartooth generally calls “Boon,” is part angel, part Hindu love god, and part Voodoo prince (well, I warned you this was complicated). This story takes place a few years in the future in my chronology.
Alexis Ofdensen-Wartooth, on the other hand, come from the Big Damn Patchwork, which is an ever-growing (and still patchy) series about Charles and Toki getting it on, falling in love, and in a moment of insanity deciding to start a family. Their elder daugter, Rigyn, is technically Toki's cousin (and Skwisgaar's half-sister, on his deadbeat and probably divine father's side). The younger daughter, Alexis, is the product of Charles and his admin assistant, 246 (aka Doris). Doris volunteered for it, honest.
A ripple washed through the Female Online Division. Spines tingled. Small hairs stood on end.
"Is it Toki?" squealed a Klokateer, looking up from the blog of some woman who'd just lost a paternity suit (and would soon lose a lot more, once Mr. Ofdensen got wind of the language she'd used).
"Perhaps Master Explosion is nearby," a supervisor scolded mildly. She indulgently let the fluttering and giggling continue for a few moments. What was the sense of working here, she thought, if you couldn't have a bit of a charge at Their presence?
It wasn't Master Wartooth. Nor Master Explosion. Nor indeed any sort of rock god. He was instead a quite literal god--and one quarter angel, on his father's side.
He didn't look otherworldly, not entirely. He had, for the purposes of his visit, put away his extra set of arms, and tucked his dark, silver-tipped wings out of sight. But you might have been forgiven for finding him somehow out of place. For one thing, although he was obviously young, he had a posture like no American teenager--indeed, no teenager anywhere outside a principle dancer for the Bolshoi ballet. As he strode down Mordhaus's wide stone corridors, one could imagine a stack of telephone books smoothly balanced on top of his head.
There was otherwise not a lot that was remarkable about him. He was dressed in clean clothes, and looked well-scrubbed. He wore a pair of sunglasses indoors, an affectation he had picked up from his star-struck auntie, who happened to be a Seraph.
He made his way to a particular suite he had visited a couple of times before, though not in a very long time. However, he remembered the way, possibly due to his divine nature--or possibly due to his fathers drilling the directions into his head by way of a detailed map.
A tall, rather gorgeous blonde answered the door, a very domesticated-looking wolf wagging its tail at her feet. She glanced at him like he was pond scum, but suddenly straightened to her impressive full height.
"Hellos," she said, swinging her long, striking blonde hair. She tried to hide something behind her back, but the centerfold opened and Elias found himself with an eyeful of guitar. A custom Les Paul, if he wasn't mistaken, with "Daddy's Girl" written across the face in gothic lettering. "You goings to takes me for de ice creams while I here on Springs Break, handy-some?"
"Hi, Rigyn," the young man smiled.
"Elias?" she said. He nodded. "You gets so big!" And she pushed her hair back and fixed him with a gaze he sometimes saw just before his dads told him it was bedtime, and didn't he have some homework to do for the next few hours? ("Oh, and don't forget to turn up your stereo, jaanu. There's a good boy.")
Elias tipped down his sunglasses--his auntie's favorite trick. Elias's father possessed eyes that had been voted seventh sexiest in India. Elias had inherited them, and was currently utilizing them to their fullest extent. "Have I?" he asked.
Rigyn's predatory expression faltered, and she sighed like a smitten schoolgirl.
Someone walked up behind her: a pretty, heavyset girl with skin a shade darker than Elias's own, and tangled, dark, curly hair. She wore a no-nonsense scowl that bore a striking resemblance to that of his own father. Her glasses resembled his father's as well, though he couldn't say the same for her pink terrycloth robe with kittens on the collar.
"Good evening, Alexis," Elias said politely, doffing the sunglasses.
"Elias," she muttered sullenly.
"I keep telling you, you can call me---"
"Let's just get this shit over with," she grumbled, turning and stalking down the hall. Rigyn dramatically rolled her eyes and went back to her guitar magazine. Elias shrugged and followed Alexis, though he paused to pat Rigyn's wolf on the head.
"You get here early enough?" Alexis said. "I just finished drying my hair."
"Your father wanted to---"
"Rigyn!" shouted someone who sounded very nearly identical to Elias's father. "You keeping to the two-foot rule out there?"
"Ja, Daddy!" Rigyn shrieked from somewhere back behind them.
"Two-foot rule?" Elias asked Alexis.
"Rigyn's not supposed to get within two feet of anyone she might try to bang," Alexis said. "You probably didn't hear about when we went to Disney World over New Year's and Poppa caught her with half the cast of---"
"Is that your date, Bunny Rabbit?" the eerily familiar voice called.
Elias stopped. Something in Mr. Ofdensen's voice made his blood run cold. Maybe it was the way he used Alexis's pet name, or maybe it was the click of a revolver's hammer that followed. Sure, it wouldn't be much of a challenge to dodge a human bullet or two, but Elias doubted that would stop Charles Foster Ofdensen.
Any of them.
Alexis led Elias to the small living room, which was unusually cozy for being part of Mordhaus. Mr. Ofdensen sat on the comfy, dark gray couch, surrounded by a startling collection of guns. He peered through the chamber of a revolver at the TV, on which a masked lunatic chased a rather good-looking young man with a blood-drenched chainsaw. Mr. Ofdensen looked up and smiled.
The smile made it worse.
"I'm gonna go get dressed." Alexis clapped Elias on the shoulder. "If he asks if you want to go to the driving range, you might wanna run."
Mr. Ofdensen lifted an eyebrow, but Alexis left Elias standing in the doorway. Mr Ofdensen moved a couple of high-powered rifles and patted the couch next to him.
"Come here, son. We need to have a man-to-man talk."
Elias frowned, momentarily unable to speak. The sight took him aback. The man looked like his father, only, aged. Oddly, with his hair more silver than brown now, in some respects this universe’s human version of Charles Ofdensen resembled Sariel more than ever. That is, if the angel Sariel could get old.
Elias somewhat recovered himself. "Is, er, is Mr. Wartooth around? You know, so I can say hi---"
"Toki'll be out later. He's helping Alexis. You know, her first school dance and all. Hard to believe she turned 14 last week, isn't it?"
"Uh. Yes, sir." Elias looked around. He kind of wished Rigyn were there so he could hone his flirtation skills a bit more. He sort of wished, inappropriate of not, he had brought Abby along. She would have been annoyed as hell at Rigyn, but on the other hand, Abby always carried a very big sword. Alexis's father was even more terrifying than Elias's dad, and his dad could flick a finger and defoliate an entire tree. Papa Jacque was teaching Elias how to do it, too, but all his training as an Ogoun seemed to drain out through his feet when Mr. Ofdensen screwed a silencer onto a pistol with a wistful expression.
Gulping, Elias crept across the room and huddled on the far end of the couch. "Good evening, Mr. Ofdensen. It's nice to see you ag---"
Mr. Ofdensen leaned over. "Just so we got this straight, Boon, Rigyn started fucking around when she was 14. If I find out Alexis is doing the same thing, your balls are mine."
"But---"
"Your dad already gave me the okay to do it,” Mr. Ofdensen bragged. “And a handy little spell to do it with. I've already got the chicken."
Elias cringed. But then as so often happened, his dad's side of his brain took over, and, quite against his will, reasoning came out. "Er, sir...."
"What?"
"You do realize that spell wouldn't involve fowl blood? That's a bit of cultural misunder-"
"What are you, a fucking lawyer?"
"Er. No sir. I'm not intending on attending law school...."
"What?" Ofdensen ceased flourishing his weapons for a moment to stare in open horror.
"I plan on a career as a visual artist."
Mr. Ofdensen paused. Then a thin smile traced his lips. He leaned over, conspiratorially. "Son. You don't think you might be gay, do you?"
"Er. I don't think so, sir."
Mr. Ofdensen didn't reply, but merely muttered into his Mauser.
"Sir," Elias tried, "you don't have anything to worry about. He found his voice breaking in a way he had never heard it do. "I mean, Alexis is really pretty and all---"
"Goddamn right she is. My little girl's fucking beautiful."
"--But, you know, I just.... I don't really wanna do that with her."
He shivered when Mr. Ofdensen said, "And why wouldn't you?"
He was doomed. He pictured his headstone: Here lies Shri Brahma Vishnu Maheshwara Elias Ogoun Sen Michel, beloved son of Ganesha and Sariel. Murdered by his friend's dad before they even got to the dance. Elias took a deep breath, and said:
"'Cause it'd be disrespectful? And she, y'know, needs to wait? Because it's the right thing?"
Mr. Ofdensen narrowed his eyes. Elias did his best not to sweat through his suit. There was just something about the guy's stare that might even make Elias's dads run the other way---
Mr. Ofdensen chuckled and patted Elias on the shoulder. "Good answer. Now what's your real one?"
"Er. I'm sort of promised. To my second cousin. Sir."
"Promised? Are you people religious fanatics?"
"Well, my dad isn't close to Our Father. But my dad used to head his own religion."
Mr. Ofdensen frowned. Several things crossed his features: worry, confusion, annoyance, and finally, maybe a hint of relief. Elias sat up as straight as he could, his hands folded in his lap. He wondered if he might be able to fake a sudden attack of apoplexy to avoid this ill-favored dance. He wasn’t exactly certain what apoplexy was, but he’d seen it in one of his father’s old medical books, and it sounded serious. It wasn’t that he had a problem with dancing. But Mr. Ofdensen sure seemed to, at least where Alexis was concerned.
Elias barely held his sigh of relief as Mr. Ofdensen set aside his silenced pistol and fished a TV remote from between the couch cushions. "You, uh, ever watch a little show called Law & Order, kid?"
#
Elias blinked. He had ridden in a human limousine before. And he had definitely been escorted to events by hushed, hooded Klokateers on many an occasion.
He just didn't think he had ever, in his life, seen quite so much pink on one person before.
It was sort of cool.
He remembered his dad's most dismissive phrase, "Matchy-matchy." He, Abby, and Liam had been brought up under Auntie Raziel's couture-mad dominion, dressed in designer diapers from their first days on earth. He had the idea that Alexis was violating pretty much every possible written rule of fashion with her current outfit, and potentially some that were yet to be codified.
He very much wanted to run back to his universe and change so he could be as daring as Alexis. Maybe into a white suit? With a black shirt. And no tie. Even if his dad would put him in therapy for it.
"You should come to my next opening," he found himself babbling.
From the other end of the limo, Alexis scowled up from a small, pink video game system. "Opening?"
"Er. My next art opening?"
"What do you mean?
"I'm gonna be an artist. And I have a couple pieces on display at the Museum of Contemporary---"
"You're gonna WHAT?" Alexis' voice raised at least an octave. She crawled to the seat across from Elias in an explosion of tulle and sequins. "You're not gonna be a lawyer?"
"Yeah, I already got that from your dad. He looked like he was gonna put his Mauser in his mouth."
"He's already got me pre-enrolled at Harvard Law," she said with a small sneer. "He knows I wanted to go to Stanford."
"Yeah, I know."
"How?"
"Er. You dad just told me. Five minutes ago. He's pretty---"
Alexis held up a hand tipped with bubblegum pink nails. "Say a word against Daddy, and you can walk home from here."
"OK," Elias said, looking a bit puzzled. "So you felt pressured to be a lawyer?"
"No. I mean, Daddy and Poppa say my first word was 'litigate.' Daddy's just a little, I dunno, eager for me to be like him. Like, exactly like him. 'Specially since Rigyn's got her heart set on playing guitar and music production and stuff."
"I think my dads were disappointed. But they try not to show it. And I think Abby is gonna be a lawyer, because she wants to be just like my dad for some reason. She's nuts, if you ask me. But that made it better."
"Both of your fathers are important corporate attorneys, aren't they?"
"Yeah. I mean, my dad still practices, but my dad is mostly doing public interest...."
"Your dad? Which dad?"
"They're both my dad," Elias smiled.
"Elias. Are you stoned or something?"
"You know, everybody calls me Boon."
"I'm not everybody."
"No, you're clearly not everybody."
There was that fucking smile again. Alexis glowered, wishing she were back watching L&O with Daddy. Why had he and Poppa convinced her to come out and make a spectacle of herself? And with this horrible boy, who just kept smiling and being pretty. Not that she supposed he could really help being pretty. He had that pretty weasel of a dad. Daddy couldn't stand to be around the jerk for more than ten minutes at a time, which spoke pretty highly to Ganesh's character, as far as Alexis was concerned.
"What are you thinking?" Elias asked.
"I'm thinking I'd rather be back home watching Law & Order with Daddy."
"Oh, that television program your father was watching? I think I was making him upset."
"That's not surprising."
"I wondered why human detectives need be so astoundingly attractive. It doesn't seem like it would be necessary for their job function!"
She huffed, blowing several dark brown curls away from her face. "Everyone likes pretty people. The whole fucking world is that way."
"I guess humans are like gods, huh?"
"Yeah. I guess we are."
"I mostly hang out with my cousins. Did you want to see pictures?"
"Can I say no?"
But he was sitting beside her, well within cootie contamination distance, and wielding his cell phone.
"I'm a black belt in juujustsu," she warned, as she believed it was warranted. "I nearly broke Daddy's arm when I was seven."
"Oh, that's cool! My Abby is training as a sword fighter. Here’s my latest picture."
Alexis ventured a glance. Blue eyes, dark hair, delicate little features. No double chin. Pretty much a young Liz Taylor, but prettier. Of course Abby would blossom like that, given what her mom looked like. Alexis's biological mom was even fatter than Alexis, which didn't bode well for high school. "Yeah. She's fucking gorgeous."
"Oh. She would like that! She doesn't think she's pretty." He looked at the cell phone picture for a few more seconds, all googly eyed. He obviously thought she was gorgeous. And then he snapped out of it. "But I'm training to be an Ogoun!"
"To be... O'Goon? Are you Irish-Indian or something?"
"You know. Santeria. Does your dad have you training yet?"
"Wait. You're training in... is that Voodoo?"
The limo slowed and stopped. Elias smiled. ”Yeah. Though dad wasn’t initiated ‘til pretty late. But dad got training with Elegba himself!”
A Klokateer opened the car door. "Princess Alexis," he announced. "We have arrived."
Elias grinned and grabbed Alexis's hand to pull her out of the limo. Alexis pulled her hand free and climbed out, wishing she had maybe gone with something besides thirty yards of tulle for a skirt. Auntie Doris had warned her it would be a pain in the ass, but Auntie Doris had also said there was no shame in showing her fat arms. Alexis folded her arms and was glad she had at least worn comfortable shoes as Elias extracted himself from the limo with more grace than anyone deserved. Why the hell had Poppa arranged for Mr. Perfect to go with her? Didn't he understand that Sunny Dawkins always wandered around with uglier girls to make herself look prettier---
Alexis's stomach hurt as she remembered Sunny would be at the stupid dance. More than ever, she wanted to go home and spend an evening with Daddy, nitpicking the legal issues in L&O together.
"I'm sorry I don't have a corsage or anything for you," Elias said. "Auntie Raziel says they're gauche. I did think about it, though."
"Forget it." Alexis turned tail and, Elias trailing behind, marched toward the door of the stupid fancy hotel her stupid prep school had hired for its stupid dance.
They followed the signs reading "Edenbridge Academy 8th Grade Prom," and soon found themselves outside a set of closed double doors. The wood of the doors thumped with shitty dance music. There might be a little Dethklok somewhere in the track listing, but Alexis kept her hopes low on hearing any other metal. She looked over when Elias tapped her arm.
"Are we going in?" he said, his smile as brilliant and infuriating as ever.
"You wanna go see a movie or something instead? Night of the Bees 4 just opened."
Elias's eyebrows drew together. He stepped closer. Alexis stepped away, but Elias said, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm great."
"I've never been to anything like this before. I have a tutor, so I don't go to school." Elias took half a step closer. Alexis pulled him out of the way so a couple of kids could get past, including Kenny James, whom Alexis secretly wanted to invite back home for DDR and pizza. Kenny waved, and Alexis turned her back on him. He could pretend to flirt all he wanted, but after what happened last year with Tomas Gomez, the last thing Alexis needed was the whole school saying she'd done someone in the boys' locker room again.
"You're lucky." Alexis pursed her mouth, then rooted in her embarrassingly tiny purse for her lipstick and a mirror. "I wish I had a tutor. Daddy and Poppa want me to 'grow up normal,' though. Fuck normal."
She put on another coat of pink lipstick. It probably looked horrible, but she didn't care. She liked pink, and Poppa said it was pretty, and that was the end of it. Still, she wished she and Elias hadn't had to parade in front of her uncles before they left. Uncle Nathan had gotten all weepy and humiliating, and Uncles Murderface and Pickles couldn't stop taking pictures. Even Skwisgaar had made some stupid comment about dumping Auntie Doris for "de beauskifuls youngers woman." She kinda wanted to hug him for it, but she also kinda wanted to run away and die.
Elias sighed and reached into his coat's inside pocket. He withdrew something that looked like a blunt fishhook with a chain of pearls hanging from it. "Auntie Raziel said I could borrow this instead of giving you flowers," he said, holding it up. "She said every stylish woman needs a witty accoutrement. Er. Whatever that it."
"What am I supposed to do with it? Hang it from my nose?"
Elias rolled his eyes. "Bend your head down."
Against her better judgment, Alexis did. Elias hooked the thing in her hair so it fell over her forehead.
"Do I look like a total idiot yet?" she said.
"Well, it was either this or the ski goggles. I think this works better with the outfit."
Alexis sighed. She wanted to throw it back at him, but it wasn't worth it. She probably looked like a complete moron, but what was new? She kept her head down as Elias, the jerk, dragged her into the ballroom. She cringed at the thumping music and flashing lights. Still, if she kept to the wall, nobody would see her and she could just hide until 10:00, when the stupid dance ended---
"Hey, everyone, it's Barbie! No, wait, it's just her pink highness," Sunny Dawkins said for everyone to hear. Her bitch posse laughed. "Wow, Princess Alexis. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were their highnesses."
"Go 'way, Sunny," Alexis mumbled. She didn't dare look up.
Sunny sauntered closer. She had boobs and a waist and pretty white skin and black hair. She wore a slinky little strapless dress that didn't make her look like some stupid little girl who wanted to be a ballerina. Alexis wished she had listened to Auntie Doris and gotten a plainer dress. Sunny stopped right in front of her.
"Excuse me," Elias said to Sunny. "Have we been introduced?"
Alexis wished Elias would quit pretending to be nice and just leave her alone. Sunny looked Elias up and down, then turned to Alexis.
"Wow. How much did you have to pay him to come here with Your Royal Hipponess?"
"Actually...." Elias started.
"He's my cousin," Alexis said before Elias could say anything to make it worse.
"Well, when your cousin's finished hanging out with a fat slut, tell him he can come dance with me. I'll make it all better." Sunny gave Alexis her perfect smile and went back to the dance floor with her stupid, laughing friends.
"Come on." Elias grabbed Alexis's arm. "Let's go get some punch or something."
"I'm not thirsty." But she went with him, anyway. He was surprisingly strong for his size. Kind of like Daddy.
"So, that Sparky girl?" Elias asked. But he was staring intently at his cell phone.
"Sunny."
"Yeah. Is she our friend?"
"She's not MY friend," Alexis grumbled.
"Then she's our enemy?"
"Just.... I don't wanna talk about Sunny Fucking Dawkins. OK?"
The song changed. Elias's pretty eyes lit up. "Oh, this is a good one. Do you like slow dancing?"
Alexis cringed in horror. "This song is a million years old!"
"Yeah, my dads like to dance to this one."
"Your dads slow dance?" It seemed too icky for words, even though she knew good and well Daddy and Poppa sometimes did it with the living room door shut. It was different when it was them. If nothing else, they didn't have a million arms and wings and whatever else sticking out all over the place. And it was Daddy and Poppa. They'd been married nearly 16 years, and Daddy still looked like a lovesick moron whenever Poppa kissed him.
"Yeah, my dad taught my dad. He didn't like it at first, but then my dad danced him the Mahabharata when they were dating!"
Before Alexis could wonder if she needed to call Klokateer security, she found herself swept to the middle of the dance floor, where a horrible boy seemed determined to make her dance to horrible music.
"No, no," Elias cheerfully urged. "You look into my eyes, not at my feet. Come on, this is an easy one!"
Alexis had actually been extensively drilled in the art and science of dancing by her overprotective father this past month. However, practicing with Daddy to the sound of Poppa playing the rhythm line to "High School Dance Massacre" was poor preparation for being in the arms of a living, breathing boy. As soon as she tried to move her feet, she crushed one of his with her regrettable pink shoe.
"I..... I need some air," Alexis told him, fleeing for the sidelines and, she hoped, some very large pink shadows to hide in.
"Hey, that's OK," Elias assured her. "You should have seen what happened when I tried to show Abby the Cha Cha!"
Alexis wondered if it would be physically possible to crawl up her own pink asshole and disappear in a puff of tulle. It didn't help to find Sunny simpering in her face.
"Oh, this is my FAVORITE SONG," Sunny trilled. "Would you mind if I borrowed your royal cousin, Your Highness?"
"Is it OK if I go dance with Sneezy?" Elias politely asked Alexis.
"Sunny," Sunny hissed, sounding not at all so.
'You did say you wanted a breather," Elias reminded Alexis.
"Oh, is this too ATHLETIC for you?" Sunny cooed.
Alexis found she couldn't speak, though she kinda wanted to show Sunny just how athletic she really was. She waved them off, hoping they would both go far, far away.
"OK, Snarky!" Elias grinned.
"SUNNY," she rasped as she dug her fingers into his arm and dragged him away.
Alexis moodily returned to the punchbowl and grabbed a glass. She ruefully wished she had thought to grab something from Uncle Pickles with which to spike the stuff. She glanced over to where Elias was now talking and laughing with Sunny's gaggle of bitches. He always seemed to keep his thumbs working on his cell phone. She wondered if Abby was psychotically jealous or something.
Someone tapped Alexis on the shoulder. She turned,and nearly cried real tears to see an actual friend. When at age 13 Alexis had suddenly burst out, all butt and boobs, her friend Barb had shot up taller than almost any of the boys. People called her Skeletor. To her face.
And she was a scholarship student to boot. When Alexis started feeling too sorry for herself, she would remember Barb, who even wore her school uniform on weekends so her family wouldn't have to spend money on anything else. She and Alexis almost shared a birthday, so Poppa had taken them both dance dress shopping as Barb's present. At that moment, Alexis wished she had Barb's sense of taste--which pretty much extended to black, plain, and prone to vanishing in shadows.
"Who's the guy?" Barb asked.
"That's my stupid cousin."
"Oh. I can't remember seeing him before."
"He's from, uh, out of town."
"Is he nice?"
"Doesn't matter. He'll be dry-humping Sunny soon---"
"Hi! I'm Elias, but you can call me Boon. We haven't met!"
Alexis turned in shock to see Elias extending a hand to Barb. She took it, giggling a little bit, and offered a coy "Barb."
Alexis scowled.
"Would you like a dance, Barb? Or are you sitting it out like Alexis?" Elias inquired.
Barb had suddenly gotten all weird and fluttery. "Oh. Uh. You wouldn't mind? Would you, Lexis? I mean, just one dance?"
Alexis glowered murderously. "Of course not," she intoned.
And they were off. Alexis sipped her unspiked punch and watched her traitorous friend have a good time. It was horrible. Barb wasn't the greatest dancer, but Elias had this evil Fred Astaire trick of making his partner look good. And even when she stumbled, he'd grin, and they'd laugh and act like they were having a great old time.
Alexis stopped wishing she'd stolen some psychoactive substances from Uncle Pickles, and started wishing she'd stolen some slow-acting poison from Daddy's safe.
"Hey, Alexis." Kenny James sidled up next to her. "You having a good time?"
"What do you want?"
Kenny shrugged. He wasn't dressed nearly as well as Elias, and he wasn't remotely as handsome, but her skin prickled where he stood next to her bare arm. "Nothin'. How's the punch?"
Alexis closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Look, I know what's going on. Let's pretend we've already danced and you've dragged me outside to talk, and just go ahead and tell the whole school we did it. Get it over with."
Kenny scowled, which looked weird with his freckles and bushy red eyebrows. "What the hell are you--Wait, does this have to do with that stupid prank Tomas pulled?"
"Leave me the fuck alone, Kenny. Or do I have to call my dad?"
Kenny grinned. "Poppa Wartooth or Daddy Warbucks--Ack!"
Alexis lifted Kenny an inch off the floor. He fumbled for her hands where she gripped his collar.
"Don't. Call him. That," Alexis said. "His name is Charles Fucking Ofdensen, and next time you talk about him, you goddamn better call him sir!"
"Sorry," Kenny rasped. "I just wanted to dance---"
Alexis dropped him and stormed to the other end of the refreshment table. She grabbed a couple of brownies and plopped down in a chair where she could watch Elias and Barb and Sunny and everyone else in her entire fucking grade have a great time, while she just got fatter. It didn't matter if she could run a marathon, or go toe-to-toe with Daddy in the dojo, or bench press nearly as much as Poppa. Until she graduated and got the goddamn cocksucking fuck away from Edenbridge Academy, she'd just be Rigyn Ofdensen-Wartooth's baby sister, the fat whore.
She glowered at Sunny, who was dancing with her bitch posse in the middle of the floor like they owned the damn thing. Not far away, Barb stumbled again and Elias swept her into his arms and spun her around while she laughed. Alexis bowed her head and left the whole tribe of traitors and villains to their stupid fun.
#
Elias finally finished dancing with Barb. And Yancey, who was gay. And Darlene. And Justine and Juliette, who were twins. And Michael P.--not Michael Q.--who did it on a dare, but according to rumor was starting to question his sexuality after Elias spent a whole song staring into his eyes. In fact, Elias danced with damn near all the girls and at least three of the boys, and two of the lady chaperones to boot.
It was 8:45, and about the only person Elias hadn't really danced with was Alexis. Him dragging her to the dance floor and her running away didn't count, after all. Never mind that she didn't feel like dancing, with him, Kenny, or anyone else. She looked up from her eighth or ninth brownie to see Elias dancing with Barb again. Goody for Barb. Alexis stuffed her brownie into her mouth and wished she could just go to Columbia along with Rigyn when she left again at the end of summer. Rigyn might be a slut, but she was also the only sister Alexis would ever have. They looked out for each other. Even if Rigyn stayed up all damn night playing guitar.
The song changed. Alexis ignored it until someone nudged her with an elbow. She looked up to find Elias holding two cups of punch.
"You thirsty?" he said.
Alexis shrugged, but took a cup and downed it. Elias sipped his, texting with one hand. He snorted into his punch, but managed not to spill any.
"Oh, Abby," he said, and set to typing with his thumb while he grinned his infuriatingly beautiful grin.
"You've been dancing a lot," Alexis found herself saying.
"Oh, yeah, I'm Lord of the Dance," he volunteered, still pecking like fury at his phone.
"Lord of the Dance?" Alexis was glad she had finished her punch, else it would probably have ended up spat across the ballroom. Was there really no limit to this guy? Was he gonna be Lord of the Sith or something, too?
"Or at least it's one of my roles. My Unky Vishnu says I lack showmanship. I'd actually rather be doing spells with Papa Jacque. But this is what Unky would call a ripe opportunity to spread expression through movement among a group of joyful beings."
"Joyful?" Alexis snorted.
"Yeah, sure." Elias had grabbed her cup and made a perfect rimshot into the trash can, and she felt herself being dragged once again onto the dance floor. She considered struggling, but gave up. Just like with Kenny's little plan to repeat Tomas Gomez's assholery, it was easier just to get things over with so she could get back to her miserable privacy.
"Hey, look at me," Elias said once they got to the dance floor. Another slow song was playing, which meant Alexis had no excuse to windmill like Poppa. "You've been looking down all night. Am I that ugly?"
"Yeah." But Alexis glanced up. Elias grinned. It made her want to squirm, though it helped when she reminded herself that no boy as good-looking as Elias would grin at her as anything but a would-be cousin.
"You know what I was thinking. I was just texting Abby, and she says...."
Alexis gritted her teeth. Did Mr. Perfect have to spend the evening battering her over the head with his fucking perfect destined girlfriend? She took a step back and fixed him with a stare.
"You know what. Elias? I don't give a shit how pretty you are, or how powerful, or that you've got stuff displayed in the Museum of Modern My Ass. You're just as much of a lousy fucker as the rest of these assholes. So why don't you go back to your own kind and lock lips with Sunny or something? Or are you too busy sexting your cousin? Seriously, where were you born? Incest, Arkansas?"
Elias blinked. "Sexting. Oh, no, Abby and I haven't been intimate. We're too young. My dad says---"
"Which fucking dad? The fucking angel? Or the fucking Elephant Man?"
It was just that quick. He was standing there. And then he wasn't.
And Alexis was on the dance floor, alone and furious. She glowered, and glowered harder when she thought of a couple more really good insults.
It didn't take her very long to find him. He was sitting in a chair in the hotel lobby, legs all twisted up like a skinny, pretty little Buddha, no doubt texting his cute girlfriend. Alexis did a double take when she got close, though. His eyes seemed darker. And not so pretty.
But the strange thing was the room. There was a funny pressure, like it was about to rain. Inside the lobby. And not just rainwater, but maybe frogs or lizards or hot lava or something.
"You need to call the limo so they'll pick us up," he said. "Then you can go watch that TV program with all the pretty people with your dad." He did not rise, nor did he look up from his cell phone.
"So, that's it. You're gonna sulk? Like a girl?"
His eyes were on her now. "People don't say things about my dads." Alexis felt the pressure in the room increase slightly. The hairs on her arms were standing up. It was weird. Sort of cool and scary at the same time.
There were a million insults jostling in her head, but she couldn't be bothered to say them. Elias probably had no idea he'd been a jerk all night. Pretty people usually didn't, in Alexis's experience.
"I don't like people talking about my dads, either," she sighed, collapsing into a chair next to Elias. "Sorry I said that. Your dad's not the Elephant Man."
He shot her a look.
"You could be nicer too, you know," she scolded, folding her arms defiantly.
"Oh. How?"
Alexis went quiet for a moment. He seemed genuinely curious. "You spent the whole fucking night dancing and flirting with everybody but me!"
"I've told you. That's my role."
"Can't you fucking forget you're a god or whatever the fuck you are for one night?"
"It's part of my duties to spread joy of movement among beings."
"I'm a being, too!" Alexis protested.
"Hmm. I hadn't thought of that." He inclined his head. "But I thought you didn't wanna dance with me?"
"Maybe. Look. It isn't really your fault. You're this strange god guy who flirts with fucking Rigyn when she's being all Junior Cougar. And, no one even looks at me."
"What about that guy?"
"What guy?"
"That guy."
"What guy?"
"The one you clobbered."
Alexis glowered. She wondered if she could make an entire room angry like Boon.
“He. Doesn't. Like. Me," she said. Elias was obviously too stupid to pick up on the nuances of junior high. "They pretend to like me. There was a guy who did it last year, too. It's just a stupid prank. Trying to make me look like an idiot. You just don't have any idea."
"Well, I can't really have any idea if you don't say anything. I mean, it's nice to talk to a girl who doesn't giggle and get all weird. But then you try to say things that will make me angry, and I'm not really sure why."
"Because...." Alexis pursed her mouth as she trailed off. She touched the witty accoutrement (whatever the fuck that was) he had stuck in her hair. She didn't even really want to dance. She just wanted someone to be miserable with her, and in the process maybe make her feel a little better.
"'Cause you're there," she finally said, looking at her lap. "Sorry. Look, I really don't like my school. The assholes there, anyway. Being stuck with all of them the first Saturday night of Spring Break is just, you know, a little much. And because if I beat the shit out of Sunny like I want to, she'll play martyr for the rest of time. I don't think I can deal with that."
"Sparky isn't so much. She's just mean."
"Sunny. And what am I gonna do about it? Tell Daddy? You saw what he's like. I really don't wanna have to come to school and listen to everyone whisper about how Daddy Warbucks made someone disappear because his pwecious baby pwincess was gonna cwy. Poppa's not any better. He'd just curb-stomp someone to death and let Daddy sort it out."
"Papa Jacque says we Ogouns shouldn't let an insult pass by---"
"Stop talking about me like I'm one of you people! You just... you don't understand, Boon." She hugged her too-small purse to her. "I'm not a god or an angel or anything like that. I live in the real world. I have to take some shit. A lot of shit."
"Actually, you don't. Abby had a couple suggestions, but I told her I don't think humans' heads grow back."
"Abby says...? How does Miss Perfect know about this?"
"We've been texting about Snotty all night!" he said, holding up his cell phone.
"Sunny." Alexis scooted her chair closer for a better look. "Boy, that's a really bad picture of her."
"No. She just has a really saggy butt," Elias explained. "Her face isn't anything to brag about, either. Anyway, Abby and Liam had some suggestions, but, you know, they're not Ogouns like us. Though Auntie Raziel did work as a vengeance angel---"
"What is this Ogoun crap you keep talking about?"
"We're warriors and Voodoo gods! Papa Jacque says an Ogoun shouldn't let an insult go by! And when they insult one of us, they insult us all!" Elias paused with a little frown. "You might be an Erzulie. I mean, you're a girl. But you remind me more of an Ogoun." He smiled suddenly. "But you act kinda like Erzulie Dantor. She wears pink a lot, and you should see her beat the shit out of a guy three times her size. She even looks a lot like you."
Alexis blinked. "Seriously?"
"Yeah. She's smart and pretty and scary." His pretty eyes widened. "And she's a lawyer!" As if that sealed it right there.
Alexis didn't quite know what to think. She had heard of some goddess named Erzulie--apparently, Dethklok had accidentally summoned her when they played some Haiti benefit show--and she assumed Ogouns were kinda the same, but guys. The thought of being one of them, even as an honorary or make-believe thing, left her feeling warm and funny inside, like she did when she kicked Daddy's ass to the dojo floor.
She looked around. The room wasn't threatening any more. It had gotten... happy? Well, at least more pleased. Boon could make rooms change their mood. It was too strange.
"That Erzulie person sounds like a neat lady," she finally said.
Elias leaned forward, whipping out his cell phone once again. "So. Spanky?"
Alexis didn't bother to correct him. She thought for a minute, fidgeting with part of her tulle skirt. She kinda liked Elias: he was annoying and too cute by half, but he was just too fucking odd not to like.
She had a vague memory of him goofing off for Rigyn when they were little. He had wings, and too many arms, and floated like he was weightless. Rigyn had laughed at his funny faces and his loud, "BLAAAARGH!"---
Alexis grinned. She looked at Elias.
"So, uh. Did your dads ever tell you the best way to destroy someone's case is to discredit them...?"
#
Bad dance music blasted from the intercom.
A boy was making his way through the center of the ballroom, straight through the dance floor crowd. The kids subtly moved aside to let him pass. A few of the girls, and maybe even a few of the boys, may have paused and sighed or giggled.
Alexis was staring from the sidelines. It was weird. He could actually turn it on and off, like hitting a switch. Or more like twisting on a dimmer light. And he'd pushed it up to the point that, well, even she felt a bit woozy. Well, just a little bit. After all, he was sort of her brother. Getting all sappy over him would just be weird.
Boon had told her, "My Unky Vishnu would say, you need to sell this!" Vishnu--the Krishna guy they sang about? It had almost stopped being weird. And then he had told her, "Just act like you always do, kind of moody and self-pitying." And she hadn't smacked him across the room for it. Because that's how good the plan was.
She tried to munch on a brownie. It was funny: when she was ordered to act moody, she really just wanted to act all perky and happy, like she did when it was just her and Daddy and Poppa and Rigyn and her uncles.
Boon had reached Sunny's crowd. He walked boldly up to her, as her troupe of uglier girls obediently stood aside.
He tilted down his sunglasses and gave a full on Look. Alexis blinked over her brownie. Did Sunny just cream her panties? Whoa. And then there was a slight incline of the head, and Sunny was pattering on after him like a faithful wolf.
And they were out the door, and out of the ballroom.
Alexis found she was crumbling her brownie into smaller bits. She frowned.
"Uh. You're not gonna hit me, are you?"
She turned. Kenny. "I'm---"
"Look, I shouldn't have said that about your dad. But, you know." He looked like he was winding himself up. "You can't treat people like that. It isn't---"
"I'm sorry. That crap with Tomas. People here act like they can just be shits to me."
"Tomas is an asshole. Why do you think I'm one, too?" He sounded genuinely hurt.
She shrugged. "I think… I think you're probably not an asshole."
Kenny smiled. It wasn't a thousand watt godlike smile. But it was a pretty nice smile.
Alexis still didn't want to dance in front of her whole school, but she fidgeted as she summoned the courage to see if Kenny wanted to maybe get pizza and play video games with her and Poppa sometime. He was a pretty big Dethklok fan, so he'd probably be cool with playing Corpse Corps with Toki Wartooth (and maybe Uncle Murderface, who got pretty funny when he really got into the game). She was just opening her mouth to mention it when a scream drowned out the shitty dance music.
"OH HOLY JESUS! HE'S A DEMON!"
Alexis and Kenny both turned--as did the entire population of the ballroom--at the piercing shriek.
"HE'S A DEMON FROM HELL! HELP MEEEEEE! GOD HELP MEEEEEEE!"
Sunny's posse had surrounded her. One girl was holding on to her. But a couple of them looked a little puzzled at her thrashing.
"What the heck?" asked Kenny. 'Heck?' It was pretty cute.
Alexis bit her lip.
"What is going on?" It was Barb. Alexis gave what she hoped was an innocent shrug while Sunny raved, her volume diminishing as her voice started to give out.
Alexis and Barb and Kenny edged nearer. Sunny gave another piercing shriek.
Elias stood at the edge of the crowd. He had dialed the god dimmer all the way down, and looked like the world's most innocent boy. Well, other than the lipstick smeared all over his face.
"Goodness. Sunny. Is she all right?" he asked solicitously of the caterwauling Sunny.
"YOU'RE A DEMON!" Sunny yowled. "BEGONE, DEMON OF HELL!" She struggled against the people restraining her. A few giggles--not nervous ones, either--rose up from Alexis's gathered classmates.
"We were kissing. She said she wanted a drink of water...." Elias was telling a chaperone as he rubbed his face with a handkerchief. It was one of the ladies who had been dancing with him earlier. "I had no idea. Is she particularly religious?"
"HE HAS BAT WINGS! AND 20 ARMS!" Sunny gestured with her own arms. Alexis noticed she was frothing at the mouth. Just a bit. "HE'S FROM HELLLLLL!"
Alexis noted that several of the girls from Sunny's bitch posse had backed off into the crowd. There were still a couple of the True Believers hanging onto her, but honestly, they looked a bit spooked.
Sunny was quietly but efficiently moved to the periphery of the dance floor, and thence out the door, and finally to a waiting ambulance. And the Edenbridge Academy 8th Grade Prom was brought to a sudden and premature halt.
"I don't have bat wings!" Elias muttered as he and Alexis leaned against the limo and watched the ambulance take off. "I have angel wings! What an idiot!"
Alexis smirked at Elias' fuming. "So, don't talk about your dads, and don't talk about your wings?"
He turned. "They're angel wings," he said, somewhat sullenly.
"I'm sure they're really pretty. I think maybe Rigyn still has one of your feathers."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. There's a story. I guess when we were kids, we sort of plucked your dad."
"REALLY? Oh, I bet he hated that!"
"I think so. I guess I liked it when he had them out?"
"Yeah! He said it was the only thing that quieted me down when I was little. Well, that or playing with Unky William's knives."
"You played with-? Uh. We're out a little early. Did you wanna come back to the 'haus and play video games? Or, I dunno. Something?"
"Er. Unky Pickles isn't supposed to be by for a while to pick me up. Will your dad shoot me?"
"Probably not." She smiled as they clambered into the limo. "But, we'll probably be forced to play DDR with Poppa before we can get to any of the really violent games."
"DDR? What's that?"
Alexis sighed. "It's Poppa's favorite that he's been playing since forever. We have to play until he beats my ass three of five or four of seven or whatever, until he's tired. And then he can laugh at how I suck and give me noogies and go paint models or some shit 'til Daddy drags his ass to bed."
"But, what's the game?" Elias repeated.
"Oh, it's something where you dance...." Alexis trailed off.
#
"Sure you don't wanna go another round? This is the best game ever!"
Alexis's father--Boon could only think of him as Toki--scowled. "I ams bes in my models rooms," he grumbled, stalking out of the main living room.
"Is he OK?" Elias asked.
Alexis grinned. "Sorry, Boon. Poppa isn't such a great loser sometimes."
"This is such a great game! I need to tell my dads!"
"Yoo can tell 'em tomorrow," Pickles, who had just appeared in the room, told him.
"Hey, Unky Pickles! Have you played DDR? It's the greatest game ever!"
"Naw. I always lose t' feckin' Toki."
"Your Toki is the same as my Poppa?" Alexis asked him. She wondered if she and Boon could arrange an All-Toki Dance-Off.
"Mebbe. Dere is a resemblance," Pickles grinned. Alexis smiled. He looked so much like her Uncle Pickles. "Yoo ready t' go, Boon dood?" he asked Elias.
"Oh, yeah, it was really cool, I went to a human dance, and I danced with everybody...."
"Boon." Pickles had Elias by the shoulders and physically turned him around. "Yoo gonna say t'anks t' Alexis fer invitin' yoo?"
"Oh!" Boon was suddenly pumping Alexis' hand. "Oh, yeah, thank you! I gotta go, but it was fun, and I need to tell people about DDR, and maybe you can text me---"
"Text you?" Alexis asked, looking to Pickles in confusion.
"Lady Raz has a cell phone. We'll give yer dad da information, if yoo want. She's got a trans-dimensional data plan. Nice dress, by da way. Real poofy."
"Uh. OK," said Alexis. She wondered if Daddy might be willing to up her messages plan. (Sticking her with only 300 a month was bullshit.)
"Bye, Alexis!" Boon said. "Human children are really amazing," he told Pickles, grabbing on to an elbow.
"I'm shure day are, kiddo," Pickles told Elias as they disappeared.
"Bunny Rabbit?"
"Are you still up, Daddy?" Alexis asked. Daddy didn't usually venture into the living room when the DDR machine was active. He said he didn't like to encourage Poppa's bloodlust .
He crossed his arms and looked at the floor. "I'm sorry, Bunny."
"What are you sorry for?"
"I made you go to your first dance with that mutant kid. I thought it would be fun for you. But, he's a bit off his rocker. I almost called the Klokateers to bring you home."
Alexis shrugged. "I had an OK time."
"You did?" Daddy asked suspiciously. "He didn't work his angel love god shit on you, did he?"
"He's a Lord of the Dance. Actually."
"Like that Michael Flatley guy? You know, I've, uh, heard stories of what used to happen backstage at---"
"Look. Daddy. Nothing happened. He shook my hand goodbye."
"He did what? Why didn't he try to kiss you?"
"Uh. Because you would have killed him?"
"Yes, but he should have tried! My little girl is worth dying for!"
"If you say so, Daddy," she said, slipping an arm into his. "Is there any L&O on the Tivo?"
"Of course there is. Little angel kid couldn't even appreciate quality TV!"
Alexis considered asking Daddy if he thought the detectives were a little too pretty, but she decided he had probably been uptight enough all night. Poppa had been a little too eager to play DDR, which was really saying something, and meant Daddy had probably spent most of the evening pacing back and forth with a shotgun in his hands. Alexis wondered how he would respond to Kenny coming over for pizza and video games, and decided she could mention it in the morning.
"Hey, Daddy? What do you know about Voodoo?"
"What the fuck should I know about Voodoo?" Daddy narrowed his eyes. "That angel kid didn't threaten you with a chicken, did he?"
"Uh. One of the teachers chaperoning mentioned we've got a project on Haiti coming up. I can Google it---"
"Nice try, Bunny." Daddy kissed Alexis on the head. "So he was nice? Respectful? Doesn't, uh, need to be buried in a cornfield somewhere? What the fuck is this thing in your hair?"
"Uh. A witty accoutrement I forgot to send back?" Alexis took it out. "Boon's aunt says corsages are gauche, so she loaned---"
"Hey, anything that keeps him from pinning something to your chest is all right by me." Daddy went quiet, watching Alexis. "Damn it," he finally said under his breath. "I really wanted you to stay little for longer."
Alexis hugged him. "That mean you want grandkids? They're little."
Silence. Alexis looked up to find Daddy even paler than usual.
"Bunny Rabbit," he said, his eyes wide and his stare brittle. "Don't even joke. Don't. Even. Joke."
Alexis decided she could definitely wait until later to mention Kenny.