my thanksgiving day eve rant
I need an escape from everything i feel like i need to drive away to some remote place just so i can breathe. Everyone else gets to have bad days and feel down, but not me. For once in my life it would be nice to be weak and feel sorry for myself, but i cant because so many people depend on me to be their rock and no one can balance on one that is crumbling beneath them. With each day another part of me gets lost in the mess i call my life. Every problem i have to listen to makes me bury my own deeper and deeper. Lately they have started to surface with no where to go. I dont have the time to be sad and i dont have the support to be weak. I am truly alone and the more time i spend with people the more i feel like i am smothering my problems rather than fixing them, I am truly begining to feel hopeless. the best part is, is that this is the life i am choosing so i have no one else to blame but myself, and i am not even sure if this is what i want anymore because i feel like it is actually killing me. I am putting myself through all this on a hope and a prayer and its not worth it anymore. I know what i need to do, i promised myself i would never again be in this place, but here i am. I am just dreading putting myself on the chopping block again, but i know i need to stay strong and if i cant get what i want i need to walk away. It is just so hard for me to walk away from something that makes me as happy as it does, but i need to do it or i genuinly think it will make me the person i promised myself i would never be.