forgive and forget don't always go in that order
You all know me, so a good majority of you know that I really suck at forgiving people, and apologizing. I have forgetting down real well though.
It's to the point where, even when I am extremely upset, I only remember the feeling. It's like my vision; I can tell the difference between slight color variations but lines have always blurred. Feelings are like colors, I remember them well and I have a whole palette. But the lines, the details all just fade. My head is like a gallery of bad impressionist paintings. Everything in my life is a dull blur. That's how time passes in my life, a routine fuzzy nothing.
Everyone knows I can hold a grudge. Half the time I can't repeat as many details as I should be able to; about why someone is a scumbag, why I hate my birthday so much, why I hate my dad. Forgive and forget don't always go in that order.
I honestly think my memory became crappy as hell as a coping mechanism. It's all probably far-fetched and silly.
So I've been working on apologizing and that's been coming along okay. It's this damn forgiving people that is hard. Even simple stuff like getting blown off over something small, offended over a passing remark, or other small things. Kyle keeps telling me to just let things go.
Yknow the movie Bridget Jones's Diary? It's kind of a silly movie, but I feel like her a lot. Like someone who can't say anything right in front of anyone. The majority of her acquaintances don't take her seriously, and she's a public joke. I mean she has good qualities, but they play on the fact that she's clumsy/doesn't think before she speaks. And all of that is me. There's a happy Hollywood ending, of course, because it's a comedy.
I think I derailed a bit but the theme is generally the same, yknow. I really don't think sadness is blue or black or anything like that. Not for me, anyway. I'm fairly sure it's a gray. Not charcoal gray, but a lighter gray. Kind of like when I look at a television blizzard when my glasses aren't on (try crossing your eyes). That's how I feel right now, like one of those scratchy blizzards.
does my journal sound pretentious to you, or what? lj-cut always says "humility and modesty" to me.