Nothingness...
I'm in a weird mood today. Maybe it's just because I'm so tired, but who knows? I've just been in a state of nothingness. I mean, I want to feel something, but I can't. If I was to feel anything, I think it would be depressed. I just don't know. My life is confusing again. I just want it to take a certain direction and stick to it, but for some reason, it won't. It can't. And nevermind the fact that I'm in...whatever (love? like? lust?)...certain events that are probably going to come up over vacation will shatter that and fling me into a deeper pit of confusion. Everything's just...I don't know. Vacation. That is a cherished word. I need it so badly. I need a break. Next year we'll either get a week off in October or a 2-week vacation in December. I'm shooting for the 2-week. That will be so nice. Nicer than 11 days anyway. Right now, school is just too much to handle. And I only have 2 real classes. How pathetic is that? Jon has 2 AP classes, an honors class, and an independent study in French, and I just in honors English and college prep Chemistry. Why can't I deal? I mean, it's English...my favorite subject...it used to come so easily for me. Next year there'll be AP English and AP Chemistry. How will I handle that? Add Honors Pre-Calc to that. Next semester ought to be interesting as well. Honors Algebra II and Honors U.S. History. I mean, math ususally comes easy to me...and the history I'm in is a level lower than I was reccommended for. But I know me, and I know that it will be problematic. I just need everything to be easy for a while. To be able to enjoy what I'm doing. I want to put all of my time into a play, or work for a few months at LLC, even if there is snow on the ground. That's why I'm looking forward to the LLC Winter Party so much...it's a glimpse of where I will be in 6 months. Despite all of the stress I get from certain kids, I love being there so much. The people...the summer...the experience. I think that's why I want to be a teacher so bad. I like the feeling of being a role model to a younger person. That's why it's so tough for me to decide what I want to teach. I want to teach little kids...like first or second grade...but I want to do drama. I want Mrs. Gillander's job. Most of all, I want to act, but that dream will never come true. I hate big cities, and I could never live anywhere near one. Although, if I could make a living off of small-town plays (which I can't), I would. That's how much I love it. But...anyway...enought rambling I guess. Better get to writing my term paper. I am so screwed on that, by the way. Life sucks sometimes.