Open for the Summer
So...graduation tomorrow. It should be an event. Followed by Alicia's party, Caitlin's party, and JD's party. So many parties. Except, I'm not sure that I'm excited for any of them really.
Especially not JD's party. It's weird. She just moved here this year. This year when I was in college. For most of the year, I only sort of knew her through people who still went to Spaulding. But then I got to know her, and I absolutely love her. She is so much fun, and I love spending time with her. And now she's moving back to Kansas, which makes me sad. You shouldn't make new friends then have them go away. It's not fair.
Went out to Celina's with Seth last night to visit Aja. We played some cards, had a good time. It was worth it to hear Seth yell out "Not the gumdrop buttons!" everytime a set was completed. But it felt like something was missing.
I'm happy that it's finally summer. And by finally, I mean having all of my friends out of school and ready to be social. But I can't pinpoint anything that I'm overly excited about this summer. Yeah, I'm happy to be going back to camp, but sitting here and thinking about it, I'm not jumping up and down excited like I have been in past years. Maybe it's because I know that I'm getting shit pay. Maybe it's because I know that they will never trust me enough to be a director, nevermind the fact that they praise me for good work all the time. Maybe it's the fact that I just don't want to deal with all of the stress that comes with camp. Who knows? Who cares?
I went shopping with Kate and JD yesterday in Burlington, and I couldn't think of a reason why I went. Yeah, I had fun with them, but why did I go? I told them that I couldn't work and I spent money that I didn't have to buy stuff that I didn't need, where are things that I need that I could use that money for. I'm not even really sure that I have any money left in my bank account right now. Where are my priorities? Did I ever have any? It seemed like for a little while I did. I mean, Christ, I'm 19 fucking years old, why do I still act like I'm 15? Am I really a different person now than I was then? On the surface, sure. I know how much people hated me when I was a sophomore, how whiny they all thought I was and how they couldn't stand being in the same room as me.
Well, big news, I haven't changed.
I just don't show everyone. I get fed up and bored and annoyed and jealous and insecure all the time, but I don't say anything because I don't like people talking about me behind my back. Because that makes me feel like less of a person than I already do. I can't believe that I'm actually writing all of this down. I'm going to want to kick my own ass later.
It's probably just because I have gigantic emotional scarring from everything that's happened in my life, and this year has just brought it all out. I used to be so good at hiding everything, and now I can't. I don't know why. Maybe if school hadn't seemed so lonely, things would be better. Maybe if I didn't feel like I was trapped on campus because that fucking university doesn't think that freshmen are important. Maybe it's because I'm a complete slut and had to hook up with four different people this year just to make myself feel like I was wanted. Maybe it's because my cousin shot himself, and now I feel like shit for thinking that my life sucks because I know that he had it so much worse. And maybe it's because that since that happened, everything reminds me of that, and makes me feel bad because I didn't really even know him that well. I knew his name, his parents, where he went to college, what he majored in, and where he lived. But I really didn't know him. And I don't know if I have a right to be sad because I didn't know anything else.
I didn't laugh at Seth's story last night because I was looking to see if they had put my cousin's tombstone in yet. Is that what it's going to be like everytime I drive toward East Montpelier or Hardwick or St. J? Constantly looking over my shoulder at the reminder that someone that I knew was put into the ground? When is this all finally going to be over? When is all of the shit in my life going to be over?
This ended in a very different way than it began. I suppose I needed that chance to vent. But I don't need to be pitied. Please don't pity me. That's just one more thing I'll have to deal with.
Especially not JD's party. It's weird. She just moved here this year. This year when I was in college. For most of the year, I only sort of knew her through people who still went to Spaulding. But then I got to know her, and I absolutely love her. She is so much fun, and I love spending time with her. And now she's moving back to Kansas, which makes me sad. You shouldn't make new friends then have them go away. It's not fair.
Went out to Celina's with Seth last night to visit Aja. We played some cards, had a good time. It was worth it to hear Seth yell out "Not the gumdrop buttons!" everytime a set was completed. But it felt like something was missing.
I'm happy that it's finally summer. And by finally, I mean having all of my friends out of school and ready to be social. But I can't pinpoint anything that I'm overly excited about this summer. Yeah, I'm happy to be going back to camp, but sitting here and thinking about it, I'm not jumping up and down excited like I have been in past years. Maybe it's because I know that I'm getting shit pay. Maybe it's because I know that they will never trust me enough to be a director, nevermind the fact that they praise me for good work all the time. Maybe it's the fact that I just don't want to deal with all of the stress that comes with camp. Who knows? Who cares?
I went shopping with Kate and JD yesterday in Burlington, and I couldn't think of a reason why I went. Yeah, I had fun with them, but why did I go? I told them that I couldn't work and I spent money that I didn't have to buy stuff that I didn't need, where are things that I need that I could use that money for. I'm not even really sure that I have any money left in my bank account right now. Where are my priorities? Did I ever have any? It seemed like for a little while I did. I mean, Christ, I'm 19 fucking years old, why do I still act like I'm 15? Am I really a different person now than I was then? On the surface, sure. I know how much people hated me when I was a sophomore, how whiny they all thought I was and how they couldn't stand being in the same room as me.
Well, big news, I haven't changed.
I just don't show everyone. I get fed up and bored and annoyed and jealous and insecure all the time, but I don't say anything because I don't like people talking about me behind my back. Because that makes me feel like less of a person than I already do. I can't believe that I'm actually writing all of this down. I'm going to want to kick my own ass later.
It's probably just because I have gigantic emotional scarring from everything that's happened in my life, and this year has just brought it all out. I used to be so good at hiding everything, and now I can't. I don't know why. Maybe if school hadn't seemed so lonely, things would be better. Maybe if I didn't feel like I was trapped on campus because that fucking university doesn't think that freshmen are important. Maybe it's because I'm a complete slut and had to hook up with four different people this year just to make myself feel like I was wanted. Maybe it's because my cousin shot himself, and now I feel like shit for thinking that my life sucks because I know that he had it so much worse. And maybe it's because that since that happened, everything reminds me of that, and makes me feel bad because I didn't really even know him that well. I knew his name, his parents, where he went to college, what he majored in, and where he lived. But I really didn't know him. And I don't know if I have a right to be sad because I didn't know anything else.
I didn't laugh at Seth's story last night because I was looking to see if they had put my cousin's tombstone in yet. Is that what it's going to be like everytime I drive toward East Montpelier or Hardwick or St. J? Constantly looking over my shoulder at the reminder that someone that I knew was put into the ground? When is this all finally going to be over? When is all of the shit in my life going to be over?
This ended in a very different way than it began. I suppose I needed that chance to vent. But I don't need to be pitied. Please don't pity me. That's just one more thing I'll have to deal with.