huit. [ video; LOCKED, out of courtesy, from Jay and Mrs. Guthrie ]
[ The video opens on a darkly lit Monet, sitting with her legs crossed, large book open on her lap. She has a pair of reading glasses on. This is playing in the background. ]
Bonsoir, lovely denizens of the city. I do hope the zombie invasion hasn't dampened too many spirits. Paige and I did have a lovely time breaking a few in half -- it was somewhat more cathartic than expected -- but now that it's over, we'll be returning to our regularly scheduled programming. Tonight on Monet's Masterpiece Theatre, we will be reading an excerpt from The Very Secret Diary of Paige Guthrie, a groundbreaking work in the genre of self-insert fantasy.
[ Monet clears her throat and turns the pages of the book. ]
Dear Diary,
Today on my lunch break, I had absolutely nothing to do, and I began to drift off into my chicken salad sandwich. I may have deleted one too many pirate-inspired pornography websites from that creeper in accounting, or maybe I've watched Pirates of the Carribean one too many times, but in that place between wakefulness and sleeping, Jono was a pirate. He was dressed in typical pirate garb, and spoke with typical pirate inflection, and it was quite possibly the dreamiest thing I've ever seen. I played the part of NAUGHTY BAR WENCH, the fair maiden unceremoniously KIDNAPPED from her honest day job by the Dread Pirate Starsmore. He scooped me up, threw me over his shoulder, and said, "I INTEND TO RAID YOUR GUTHRIE BOOTY."
Only, you know, in an English/Pirate hybrid accent.
Suddenly, we were on his ship, and in his quarters. The waters raged angrily around us as he threw me onto his bed (it was fairly nice for a pirate ship, I must say), and, even though his pick-up line was terrible, I was still into it. HOW COULD I NOT BE INTO IT, DIARY? No woman could resist Pirate!Jono. ANYWAY, I DIGRESS. He began to undress, and, before I had a chance to say ANYTHING, he whispered, "Prepare to be boarded." I never understood what having the vapors meant before that very moment, but I HAD THEM. HARD. I had never seen this side of Jono before and. AH. MY. LAWD. I WANTED TO SEE MORE.
He reached for my MANY skirts -- TOO MANY -- AND THEN --
[ Monet stops reading here. She takes off her glasses and slams the book shut dramatically. ]
Then the excerpt turns X-rated, and, unfortunately, Monet's Masterpiece Theater is rated R. For interested parties, I can reveal that corsets, rope and wooden legs were involved. The chapter ended in spectacular fashion, with a duel between Pirate!Jono and Pirate!Warren for the bar wench's heart. And loins.
This concludes tonight's programming. In the future, Paige, you may want to be more careful about leaving your communicator in plain sight, where anyone could see anything you've recently posted to the network. For the record, James Bond was a perfect gentleman, and there wasn't much champagne in any of those mimosas.
[ Video dims to the lulling sounds of Rondeau. ]
Bonsoir, lovely denizens of the city. I do hope the zombie invasion hasn't dampened too many spirits. Paige and I did have a lovely time breaking a few in half -- it was somewhat more cathartic than expected -- but now that it's over, we'll be returning to our regularly scheduled programming. Tonight on Monet's Masterpiece Theatre, we will be reading an excerpt from The Very Secret Diary of Paige Guthrie, a groundbreaking work in the genre of self-insert fantasy.
[ Monet clears her throat and turns the pages of the book. ]
Dear Diary,
Today on my lunch break, I had absolutely nothing to do, and I began to drift off into my chicken salad sandwich. I may have deleted one too many pirate-inspired pornography websites from that creeper in accounting, or maybe I've watched Pirates of the Carribean one too many times, but in that place between wakefulness and sleeping, Jono was a pirate. He was dressed in typical pirate garb, and spoke with typical pirate inflection, and it was quite possibly the dreamiest thing I've ever seen. I played the part of NAUGHTY BAR WENCH, the fair maiden unceremoniously KIDNAPPED from her honest day job by the Dread Pirate Starsmore. He scooped me up, threw me over his shoulder, and said, "I INTEND TO RAID YOUR GUTHRIE BOOTY."
Only, you know, in an English/Pirate hybrid accent.
Suddenly, we were on his ship, and in his quarters. The waters raged angrily around us as he threw me onto his bed (it was fairly nice for a pirate ship, I must say), and, even though his pick-up line was terrible, I was still into it. HOW COULD I NOT BE INTO IT, DIARY? No woman could resist Pirate!Jono. ANYWAY, I DIGRESS. He began to undress, and, before I had a chance to say ANYTHING, he whispered, "Prepare to be boarded." I never understood what having the vapors meant before that very moment, but I HAD THEM. HARD. I had never seen this side of Jono before and. AH. MY. LAWD. I WANTED TO SEE MORE.
He reached for my MANY skirts -- TOO MANY -- AND THEN --
[ Monet stops reading here. She takes off her glasses and slams the book shut dramatically. ]
Then the excerpt turns X-rated, and, unfortunately, Monet's Masterpiece Theater is rated R. For interested parties, I can reveal that corsets, rope and wooden legs were involved. The chapter ended in spectacular fashion, with a duel between Pirate!Jono and Pirate!Warren for the bar wench's heart. And loins.
This concludes tonight's programming. In the future, Paige, you may want to be more careful about leaving your communicator in plain sight, where anyone could see anything you've recently posted to the network. For the record, James Bond was a perfect gentleman, and there wasn't much champagne in any of those mimosas.
[ Video dims to the lulling sounds of Rondeau. ]