(no subject)
hmm well sitting here after a soul-cleansing load-blow i realize that things are i guess comfy i feel just clean like a cool wind is blowing through my entire body no tension and something from my inside is expanding outwards throughout my entire body leaving behind a trail of lightweightness so i guess i will talk about things realized something that had been sitting int he back of my mind that though it's her that can't hvae the relationship now or the two other previous times it was me originally and why do i think it'd be any differently now probably because if it could be then i possibly wouldn't have to lose her forever but i can't in all honesty say it's gotten better all i can say is it hasn't been pronounced but only because i haven't been around people and that's a sad thing for me to say but it's probably true i know it's gotten a lot better i can actually look people in the face now but i think that's the result of me maturing and i guess understanding myself it feels like i have a lot lately and it seems paradoxically that being close to someone with them knowing how difficult it is for me but with them just providing understanding and being there for me while i learn to become more comfortable with who i am would go a long way towards helping me but that could be more of just what i want to be the case but it seems like going at something by yourself can't be the best way to do something no matter how personal and i have to question everything about relationships now i don't know if i can even say that i have some inherent gaydar but for huxley bypass reduction valve do i feel this way about her because we're so close why couldn't i get as close to girls i've known longer perhaps because they didn't feel the same way about me that lends some sort of credence to what i was saying about opening up to someone but is it because they are inherently "emotional" or because they like someone i guess you don't have intimate conversations with people you don't like so i can't tell if it's the fact that a person is emotional that makes you like them or another factor or if emotional is just one of the other factors that the person happens to value and if so then why wouldn't that by definition make them "emotional" you don't see unemotional whatever people seeking that out so i don't know am i just an expressive person "willing" to open up to people because i need to if i need to wouldn't that be characteristic of the "emotional" i was talking about earlier why did none of my other relationships work out probably because she liked me enough to overcome my characteristic inaction i can't act any different around someone i like than i normally would i don't have a "passionate emotional" mindset i go into because that's the only way i can be first three relationships all were by their estimation platonic i was just a friend which i don't see how you can be any other way but i guess that's because they compartmentalize sex don't agree with me that it should be a part of every relationship just like talking or hugging it's another way to express how you feel abou tsomeone but maybe it was about counting the thrusts with them which all this bullshit is fine i just want to understand why i'm this way and if my definition of "artist" doesn't explain why we were attracted to each other felt the same way have a lot of the same characteristics i don't really understand what does and i guess even though i'm trying to question it it's pretty much right i'm not in such a hurry to doubt something that seems right i don't need to continually question the merits of agnosticism as in interpretation i made but now i think this is ruining any possibility of a relationship i might have because it's become dogma i think three girls today were attracted to me and i'm judging their intentions but i really can't remember how we were when we first met so i might be missing something these girls in walmart raver beads around thier neck i was walking in i saw them they were what i guess i "need" since i have no way to go about the gradual process i feel is the right way in that they were aggressive was walking by and as i was almost past she blurted out hey which made me really uncomfortable though happy because i guess they found me attractive which brought about all sorts of images of constantly maintaining that status in their eyes so i guess i made an effort to look her in the eye i did some kind of wave i think my fingers were in my mouth because i was nervous but i didn't want her to think i was ignoring her because it takes i geuss some balls to initiate things and if i did i wouldn't want the girl to ignore me i guess that would hurt my self-confidence even worse but i didn't know what to do if i turned around smiled and said what's up i don't know what to say i can't just start asking her personal questions or something i just don't know what to do and i guess there's the thing about being attracted to someone when you don't even know yo don't like someone based on who they are it seems kind of vile but then if my way is correct could she not have "felt something" understood that i too was "emotional" or she could've been like me so sick and tired of everyone being the opposite way blatantly making shirts listing "virtues" and saying for anyone who feels the same way say hi to me i know it wasn't really that but it could've been in theory which means there's no easy way for me to tell with anything there will always be doubt but i guess tht's only in my rational state these girls at the y always smile at me and stuff and they look at me and today i looked back but then i didn't know what else to do and it felt like if i kept playing it was going to feel like i was trying to be cool in the sense those guys that stare off into the distance when the room's only ten feet across and what do you just say to girls and this is all really for naught because it feel slike you shouldn't really have to say anything and i'm just being rational and this is all stupid and i really know the way things are though i doubt i'll ever find anyone or be able to be with them even if i do this girl at wendy's dunno drove up to the window ot pick up my sandwich and when she turned to give it to me she hesitated and it felt beautiful and we were both smiling and i think i looked at her the whole time and it felt like she was exuding an aura that was enveloping me and it felt warm and i took my sandwich and looked back at her and it was just real smile and it felt right and you just knowbut all this talking about auras and shit makes my rational self laugh but she wasn't the hottest girl i'd seen today but maybe it's because she looked at me too and my rational self probably discovered the answer the fact that she was looking at me and being kind of shy and attractive probably elicited some sort of overload and i started feeling experienced and my rational self is coming up with the hypothesis that perhaps it's just attractive girls who are somehwat insecure that happen to like you too and i'm wondering if being insecure is some sort of must for "artists" but then again was helen insecure no and i can't really argue against her being one maybe the association with people confident being belligerent just doing things with no self-doubt seeming rather "insensitive" so thus the association as them not being "sensitive" or "emotional" or "artists" what i'm driving at i guess everything i do being determined by my "deepest complexes" and i kind of have an elaborate mechanism that gets rid of any resemblance and presents it as being influenced by something else and what she said keeps popping back pu what if it was just time i'd like to think it wasn't because then i could throw arounda ll sorts of things about us bein g"artists" or whatever and it would seem right instead of vile but i guess she's right but that in a way kind of proves what her being wrong would've it proves that it can happen with a multitude of people and tha tfor sure it wouldn't happen with just anyone it probably would've happened wit hothers if they would've liked me enough to overcome or was it just herpersonal circumstances that made it more appropriate to her for it to go about gradual she needed for it to take awhile which made it different than the rest who had gotten tired of waiting for me to change i can't even be sure of that because i guess some other people have liked me as much i guess back before she met david sara and i liked her too but was it because she was shy or because she "felt" and was an awesome person or were they two separate things that are cahracteristic of what i like if we would've ever been together would it have felt the same way i guess we were pretty close friends same could be said with others yarngirl read each others journals and everything and our tastes in music political views sense of humor seem closer thanh i guess saying all that stuff about how we're not ostensibly alike so i'm wondering whether or not it's the fact that someone likes you because if so yarngirl would have had that and the fact that we had similar tastes whatever and same time would lead to the feeling being "greater" or were we nigz because of the "rational mindset" just views of this world not because of the "emotional mindset" what i consider my views on sex relationships did i feel that with yarn i kant be sure but did i feel that with thanh when i was at the same point in the relationship i guess before we began our unspoken courtship or something if it had ended there would i have felt the connection based on "emotional mindset" or would it have been only on the strength of our "rational" things we had in common i guess i'm just wondering why this particular one was the one that worked i acted the same way around her as i always did sara probably interacted with sara more and i just erased everything and switched sara back in because it felt presumptuous to assume yarn even liked me the answer "why" was because she didn't so i couldn't really illustrate but i don't think sara really fits so i guess if she did ever like me this is the perfect example but if not then i can't continue don't know if helen ever did either or if so just because i was against religion or something some sort of "rational" things in common before she found out i was a pop-culture hating anarchist but if she did maybe she got tired of messaging me first and shit like with adam i don't really know but i kind of feel like yarn did and i don't want to be presumptuous but if i am it's only because i wanted for it to be so so i don't think it would be all that bad if i am but for the sake of argument she did and we had rational things in common too why didn't that ever "happen" when i acted the same way with both the only answer i can think of is there being some kind of emotional gauge just like you can tell you like someone because of their rational views and that that determines whether a relationship can occur because our rational views i don't know about them but our emotional views are similar but back then i couldn't even tell you what they were so if we didn't have rational things only emotional things to go by and it happened how coiuld she have knownw the only way it would be possible is if you can just feel them and maybe just like rational views are transmitted through words and everything these are transmitted through feelings and you can just tell from someone but then again i can express them rationally now so how does that fit in and now i can pretty much "feel" someone's rational views so the roles are switchign but they stay the same i can just understand both now on both terms but is that because just as i developed understood myself better and can now express my emotional views rationally the same thing happened with my rational views i've embraced them as caused by my feelings which they really are so i can tell that too by feeling and if that's the case then you couldsay rational views are caused by feelings then how can someone i'm similar to "emotionally" not have the same rational views how can someone i'm polar oppostie from emotionally ahve the same rational i can say just like most people compartmentalize sex and friendship and mine exist one and the same perhaps me personally my emotional and rational views exist one and the same and just like compartmentalizing is something taught by society holy shit everyone who agrees with that is accepting too either the emotional or rational mindset of society which allows for some people to have one but not the other and again itgoes back to what i guess ive always done questione dthings thought for myself which allowed me to understand myself got rid of all the things that teach you to go against it and it emerges as a unified self which is what it really is which is why i'm only one instead of seperate and if that's the case then is thinking for yoursel fan emotional thing because rationality is determined by society when you're a baby you just feel or fuck perhaps you could just be being rational i really don't know and i can't reconcile anything but this is the only question i feel really matters and i wish i could talk to yarn to the wendy's girl or i guess have their brains available to me on microfilm in understandable form so i could understand what kind of person they are just have more information available to me so i can determine why because bein gisolated i'm losing contact with human nature which is really the only thing that ever allowed me to get this far so it feels like i've "shot myself in the foot" but not in the way most people have said agian duality for the same thing just lik etheris a duality for not liking religion and everything else i guess all i can do is continue finding those who are telling me i've shot myself in the foot for the right reason those who don't like religion for the right reason because for the "right" part of the duality to occur it seems there has to be some semblance of unity between the two spheres rational and emotional AND THAT'S FUCKING WHY in the end say i find someone who is also unified in the two spheres hahaha duality saves me again but they might perhaps not enjoy meshuggah they might like something else but there is a whole other thing environmental and biological factors that can cause someone to like rational things interests because they are only vehicles for expression biologically aggressive or blalbhablh whole fucking argument now is that environmental or biological do i only want to destroy things because of how disgusting this world is does that build up rage was i violent as a kid i don't know and everything is a disgusting web and i don't feel smart enough to navigate it or maybe not enough human experience or something but maybe human experience bringing you to a higher level of conscoiusness i've arguably evolved much past my tenth grade state interesting thing just came up let's see from ninght to tenth from seventh to eighth did i ever make any drastic changes no when did they starte hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm second half of junior semester and what did that fall right on the heels of hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm her which i can only say can lend credence through becoming "experienced" "reaching a greater understanding" "transcendence" through what i felt with her when we were kissing and when we were so close on the bus in each others arms those types of things i've argued bring you to a higher level of consciousness ways of transcendence thus transcendent sex and i guess that is evidence that it did i had never did schoolwork or whatever but i never really understood why after her i began clarifying everything it's like that imbued me with some kind of mystical aura i was to an extent experieneced and thus HAHAHAH i began seeing things like a starchild and get this tying more fucking things together with my favorite symbols that was my first fucking monolith hahahaha i raise the fukcing bone up i'm a monkey and i start smashing shit and what i was leading to there has to be a second monolith here somewhere i think it's becoming as close to something as you humanly can romantic sex transcendent sex and that will put you on the path towards fucking juipiter and then yousee the huge big fuckin gmonolith psychedelics and you become a fucking voodoo child yo're experienced and you're a starchild and you're the rings of light at the end of the parabola video and i for some reason truly believe this is true right now so i'm really scared about trying psychedelics before that happens or this could just be some christian mysticism bullshit and holding off could just be depriving myself in hopes of "going to heaven" but it's how i emotionally feel to say i shouldn't trust my emotions puts a fucking hole in it it becomes fallable and everything i've previously said loses its foundation because i truly feel the monolith concept here is right but what aobu tjust like a lack of human experience i have a lack of understanding here and i could have things out of order what if psychedelics could be second and then transcendent sex with their help because hmm a taste of otherwise you wouldn't ge ta larger synthesis you would get 1/2a + a = b so perhaps psychedelics ar ea kind of catalyst making it 1/2a + catalyst = full a which actually makes even more sense now oh but i really don't fucking know and a part of me thinks really really truly none of this is anywhere close to the truth and i'm just amking it sound feasable because i want it so much self-doubt is it a bane or is it beautiful i don't really know but it's there eith erway always and i kind of have to stop and i guess i owuld really like peoples input on this but i doubt anyone cares enough to not only read it all but actually think about it but now it's time to go watch braveheart or some other distraction because this is the only thing i can do on my own that i truly care about everything else is just stupid escape capoeira tuesday brazilian jiu-jitsu monday or wednesday or hopefully both and then hopefully work thursday friday saturday sunday ideally working at randalls or something so i don't have to sit around looking at the clock saying 9:30 knowing nothing i really care to be doing is available to me pretty much the only things i care about doing something related to fighting the "evolved" forms capoeira muay thai bjj watching a pride "evolved" form of relationships with "evolved" people or "evolved" form o fconsciousness at my current state thinking about the things that just come to me and interest me later psychedelics and those are of course the only three things that ever matter to me everything else i have to have a distraction from the fact that i can't be doing something i care about and when you're sitting home alone there's just a despair that accumulates simply from not doing something you care about school randalls the y watching movies can help but they have to be in short periods the longer it lasts the less effective it is and at home at night all i can do is watch movies and now it's to the point where i can't even do tha tbut for some reason braveheart will work and reading about drugs works now too and i guess cleaning for it's "symbolic" nature to a lesser extent balhblah this crap