Worst Mistake Part 3
Hi all, thanks again for the encouragement, it's much appreciated.
Here's another part, I've overshot on plot slightly, and now think there will be a part four plus an epilogue, but big chunks of those are already written, so hopefully won't be too much longer before this is all finished for you.
Enjoy! Cai.
Title: Worst Mistake: Part 3
Author: Cai
Fandom: Nu!Trek (Star trek XI)
Rating: NC-17, Slash
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy, Spock/Kirk, Spock/Kirk/McCoy
Length: 5000 words this part, 15,000 words total so far
Spoilers: For the film, amok time (TOS)
Warnings: Non/Dub-con (this part), double penetration, violence
Summary: Kirk gets caught in the middle of forces beyond his control, see the prompt (linked in part 1) for more details
Notes: Written for the Star trek XI Kink Meme
Part One (of four)
Part Two (of four)
Part 3
Outwardly, things go back to normal on the ship.
Kirk takes back over command and he’s competent and cocky and the captain the crew know and trust, and though the ship-wide gossip runs wild as to just what happened between Kirk and Spock for a while, none of it seems to come close to the truth, and is eventually forgotten in favour of newer, shinier things.
Kirk doesn’t forget.
Most of the time he feels like himself, though there’s always an awareness of Spock in his head now, and worse, Spock’s awareness of him also registers, a subtle commentary on his day to day activities, that is only ever emotions not words. He knows he can do his duties as a Captain without a doubt, and is performing just as well as he ever was, but there’s something missing. This Kirk, he knows, wouldn’t have figured out that the lightening storm meant the Romulans were lying in wait, wouldn’t have chased Nero down with no plan, only faith in his ship and crew, wouldn’t have done a hundred other little things that had their roots in instinct and impulse and a life learning the fine line of when to jump and when to duck. He’s not sure if he likes the new Kirk, but he can live with him, and the Admiralty definitely approve of his new persona, that’s for sure.
Spock is his lover now, and his bond mate. They aren’t friends.
Before all this began they used to meet weekly for a game of chess, an informal debrief, and more importantly for the pleasure of each other’s company. They still meet weekly, and often even still play chess and talk about events on the ship that have caught their attention, but now there’s sex involved as well. Outside of that one night a week, they work together well enough, but don’t socialise.
Kirk never thought he’d see the day when sex became something to dread. Most of the time with Spock he doesn’t even get hard, and given Kirk’s obvious disinterest in proceedings Spock usually dispenses with foreplay entirely. Kirk’s learned to go to their meetings slick and ready as the only prep he gets is what he does himself, just as he’s learnt that he needs to be an active participant even if he doesn’t fake his own pleasure.
Spock lets him ride him at the start of the night, the only position he can tolerate with any degree of ease, but if he feels Kirk is too passive, he’ll flip them over and pin Kirk on his stomach, buried deep inside him and close the bond down so that the familiar terror and panic descend, and Kirk is left to buck and fight, unable to escape, unable to stop, unable to gain any relief. Those nights Spock will let Kirk struggle to exhaustion then fuck him with precise strokes, every one hitting his prostate until he’s coming all over his stomach and the sheets, and then Spock will continue to fuck him, sliding in his own cooling spunk until the anger that’s been stirred up dies away again.
After those nights Kirk bleeds and is sore for days, in his ass and his wrists. After Spock’s pinned him down for hours, arms twisted behind him, crushed into his shoulder blades by one of Spock’s hands, he swears he can feel the bones of his wrists grinding together, and always has the bruises to hide. Spock doesn’t care if he gets hard or comes, if he bleeds or cries, if he moans or screams. All he cares about is that he has complete control over Kirk, and will accept nothing less.
Near the beginning, Kirk had tried to close his eyes and pretend it was someone else, and it had helped move things along for both of them, but he’d let images of doing this with McCoy float into his mind (the betrayal making him sick to his stomach) and Spock had punished him. Painful hits to the stomach and soft tissue under the rib cage and over the hip bones and flanks that made it hard to breathe and cough and stand for days afterward, but had left next to nothing in the way of marks. He’d taken Kirk hard, face up on the floor after that and the rug burn had been just one more souvenir of the experiment gone wrong. Now Spock doesn’t let Kirk close his eyes, and pinches him sharply on the thigh and buttocks if his mind starts to wander from the task at hand. Kirk has come to accept that when they’re close like this, he has no privacy from Spock, mind or body.
He’s never been one for following rules, but this live he’s living with Spock now, has a thousand tiny little rules that he has to learn by breaking them, and suffer for breaking them. Strangely though, Spock allows him freedoms he’d never have imagined that he would.
Spock’s spent some time teaching him how to build up his mental defences against the bond so that he can shut Spock out when he wants his privacy. It’s impossible when they’re close, and impractical, but otherwise he’s learnt to handle it well. The bond is always there, the awareness of each other through space and time, which should be a beautiful thing, is really just a shackle, however the free flow of thoughts and ideas, that, he can shut down most of the time.
Stranger still, Spock hasn’t shown any sign of jealousy regarding his relationship with Dr McCoy outside of their time together. There’s no way Spock could have missed that he and McCoy are still together (just, his treacherous mind supplies) and Kirk thinks that maybe that’s why Spock showed him how to block the link, so that they could have their privacy together. He can’t quite fathom the cruelty and kindness that seem to coexist in Spock and be directed at him.
He suspects there’s still something of the original hormonal imbalance, some after effect of Pon Farr still messing things up. Whenever they have to cancel their weekly meeting for some disaster or event or other, the following week is guaranteed to be violent even if Kirk does everything right. After one occasion, when Kirk and Spock were unable to meet for nearly three weeks beforehand, stuck in diplomatic meetings and ferrying dignitaries around, Kirk was on the verge of going to sickbay and confessing all, but in the end Spock took him to a planet-side hospital to have his injuries dealt with. The doctors there accepted the story of an anonymous attacker and a refusal to report the incident without further interest or comment. Now he never lets Spock go for more than ten days regardless, out of concern for his own continued wellbeing.
After sex, Spock is different, gentler, lost and almost remorseful, but Kirk can’t handle that, needs to see Spock as his captor, his attacker, if he’s going to make any sense of this, so he gets dressed and leaves as soon as Spock has come in his ass and lets go of his hips. He’s not going to feel sympathy for him. The few times he’s heard Spock ask him to stay, it’s been so quiet he’s been able to pretend not to hear.
And that’s how the months have gone on, approaching a year now. He won’t be holding any kind of celebration of his and Spock’s first ‘anniversary’, that’s for sure. But he’s healthy and whole, for the most part, and functional. He’s in space and Captain of a star ship, and respected by his crew, a for some reason McCoy has stuck by him, so he thinks that there’s lots of people that have it a lot worse out there.
* * *
Kirk had never really thought about loving McCoy before all this started. They were together, and they were happy, and neither of them seemed to have itchy feet, so it beat the hell out of any relationship Kirk had had in the past. He could have asked McCoy, he supposes, what love was like, considering he’d probably loved his wife, but it had never really been an issue.
Kirk knows now that he loves McCoy without a doubt, more than he’d ever thought possible. He’s been ignored for most of his childhood, then idolised or avoided during his adolescence and disapproved of in his adult life, and now he’s letting himself get beaten and raped on a regular basis. McCoy’s the only one who’s ever made it easy, the only one who’s ever made him feel good about himself for who he is, rather than who he appears to be. And when his inner self is so evidently worthless, that’s some feat.
He hasn’t done anything about it, because living on a star ship in close quarters is de facto like moving in together, and he can spend all the time he likes with his chief medical officer with no questions asked.
When McCoy arrived at the academy, he was a good decade older than the rest of his class, outwardly disagreeable and unshaven, and a rumoured alcoholic, but Kirk never saw him drunk during training, though he often saw him drinking on his off hours.
After a few months Kirk managed to infuriate his roommate into requesting a transfer and then offered the space to McCoy. He didn’t have any real designs in doing it - his original roommate was an uptight prick who was way too excited to be in Starfleet, and needling him was fun - except that he’s heard what McCoy’s roommate says about him for cheap laughs. Kirk knows enough about messed up family dynamics to know that some things should just be kept private.
They get on just fine, which he suspects is a first for them both when it comes to roommates. McCoy has some stories to tell about the dorms in med school, that’s for sure, and he’d been living in the room over the garage for three years before he moved out of his mother’s home. Kirk’s not exactly neat, but then he’s not actually accumulated enough stuff to be messy, and hotel services come as standard, so his laundry gets done.
Kirk doesn’t bring girls back to his room, or guys for that matter, because he likes to be able to leave if things get overly serious without too much drama, so McCoy has plenty of time to himself as well, and seems to use it studying, academy syllabus and technical medical journals that are beyond Kirk’s grasp. Kirk doesn’t study, but he does attend everything he’s scheduled, so he gets by just fine, even if he isn’t winning any awards. It’s comfortable, and Kirk finds he’s looking forward to getting in and having someone there to meet him, which is new as well, but like Kirk said, McCoy just makes everything easy.
Kirk’s always been good at picking up signals, at noticing how people notice him, but still it takes months to realise that McCoy has a thing for him, and a few more after that to realise that McCoy is totally unaware of that fact. For all his smarts about other people, McCoy can be remarkably dense when he chooses to. The knowledge makes Kirk feel warm inside, rather than excited and horny, like he does when a pretty girl looks him up and down at a bar, but it also leaves Kirk with the choice about whether to make his move or not, and time to make his decision.
In the end, he chooses not, at least not yet; he has a defining moment of realising that relationships are about more than just sex, and once he’s done feeling incredibly mature, he decides to wait it out. Besides, he knows if he gets it wrong, like he always seems to, then he’ll have lost something important. So he chases after Gaila and Uhura and a hundred others, and McCoy seems genuinely amused by him, so he lets it sit. He’s got a home, and a supply of regular sex, and he figures it’s more than most people have, and more than he deserves, so for once in his life, he’s not going to rock the boat.
It’s not until after the extensive ‘we saved the world’ parties have calmed down and Kirk and McCoy manage to catch a quiet moment and a private drink together, and McCoy says, “Y’know, twice back there, I was really worried I’d lost you.”
Kirk thinks about answering, thinks about lost time and missed opportunities, thinks about having to explain, and kisses McCoy instead; he’s good at reading signals, and reading McCoy, and knows that it’ll be welcome.
It is, and after that they sort of fall into a relationship that neither of them actually talk about. Once, when there’s an outbreak of some space-clap on the ship, McCoy asks Kirk if they should both get checked, and Kirk tells him there’s been no-one else since they started this thing between them. McCoy’s smile at that is worth everything.
The sex doesn’t exactly bring them closer - they already knew each other far too well to ever be commander and subordinate, and are already too loyal to each other to worry about favouritism - but it is a lot of fun. Even though, Kirk’s still the one to pick up the signals in the relationship, and it’s usually him that has to figure out if McCoy wants an evening ends up in bed together or going their separate ways. It works for them, and best of all it’s easy like nothing ever can be.
This thing with Spock is bleeding through more and more though, making things hard where they shouldn’t be, throwing invisible stumbling blocks into their road. It’s nothing Kirk can pin down, because if he could figure it out, he’d like to believe he’d fix it. At least part of it is keeping secrets from McCoy - having to think before he talks or lies - and the ever present guilt about what he’s doing and how he’s letting it happen.
They still have sex now and then, but Kirk has to hide the bruises and there’s whole weeks when he can’t sit comfortably, let alone let McCoy touch him. He’s become a master of subterfuge and misdirection, but the layers of clothes he sometimes keeps on symbolise the barrier that’s growing between them. He hasn’t bottomed for McCoy since, well, before he started bottoming for Spock, and when he has marks to hide he turns McCoy on his stomach and makes love to him from behind. He knows it infuriates McCoy that he can’t touch and kiss Kirk in that position, but he ignores it, just as he ignores the passing urges to hold McCoy down and hurt him the way Spock does. When images like that are rolling round in his head he tries to leave as soon as he decently can, even though he’s never failed to spend a whole night with McCoy after making love, right from the start.
McCoy knows there’s something, and asks Kirk from time to time what the problem is, and if it’s about Kirk wanting to end things. He usually asks right after Kirk has sucked him off, down on his knees feeling like he’s servicing him, but unable to offer anything more personal. McCoy says he’s distant, cold, sad, and Kirk knows he’s right - can’t remember the last time he laughed, but can recount all to clearly the nights the shaking and tears have overwhelmed him in the small hours of the morning alone in bed. The hurt in his voice cuts into Kirk’s heart, and sometimes he’s so close to just breaking down and confessing all, but never dares; he knows if he does McCoy will see him for the pathetic wretch he is and leave him alone. After all McCoy’s already told him he thinks Kirk brought this on himself by mishandling the situation in the first place.
When the urge to tell all takes him he can still hear McCoy telling him ‘Spock was out of it, and he needed help and you did buggar-all to help him. Just got me held to ransom and drugged. Deserved that kick up the ass he gave you if you ask me -‘ and he can hear Spock telling him who he belongs to, who he exists to serve, and he bites down on his tongue.
McCoy’s taken to walking out when Kirk refuses to talk to him, saying he needs to clear his head, but he always comes back, and sits with Kirk, not really saying anything, but not angry either. In these times of stillness, with the bond all closed down, Kirk can lean on McCoy and pull the pieces of himself back together before he has to go out and face another day. Trouble is, the length of time McCoy’s away is getting steadily longer, and Kirk knows it won’t be long before his patience is entirely through, and he’ll walk and not come back.
Kirk’s still waiting for the final death knell to ring on their relationship when they dock at Starbase 11 for routine restocking and maintenance, and to give crew some long-deserved shore leave on the surface. He elects to stay on board ship, even when McCoy asks him to go down to the surface with him, and it leads to yet another argument. They never used to row - not properly, not with feeling - and lately it’s all they seem to do. They both say terrible things, but McCoy gets the last word and walks away before Kirk can even begin to formulate a reply. All he really wants to say is stay and take care of me but he doesn’t have the right anymore. Loves McCoy too much to stop him walking away.
* * *
Spock returns to the ship after only a day’s shore leave - Kirk doesn’t contemplate what he felt the need to do down there - and comes to Kirk’s rooms to inform him he has returned (as if he didn’t already know).
It’s not their night of the week, but Spock doesn’t seem inclined to leave, and Kirk’s ears have been ringing with everything that was said last night between him and McCoy, so something to distract him will be welcome, even if it is screaming. He lets Spock tumble him into bed, despite the fact that they’ve never had sex in his quarters before, and he’s always counted them as his safe haven from Spock.
He’s dispensed with their clothes and managed to get some lube in his ass before suddenly Spock’s on his back in Kirk’s bed, naked, and Kirk’s mounted on his dick, hands planted on either side of Spock’s head, arms braced, grinding his hips down to meet Spock’s thrusts. Tonight Kirk’s cock is soft and resting against his balls, and he’s managing to keep quiet. They’ve been at this a while, so the sweat from his forehead is dripping down onto Spock and soft grunts are the only noise in the room, when there’s a chime at the door and McCoy walks in without waiting, the doors set to open for him at any time, no matter the level of lock placed on them.
Fucking typical, Kirk has time to think, the one time we do it in my rooms, McCoy comes back from shore leave early and walks in on us, before the yelling starts.
McCoy’s standing at the door, his mouth open and skin livid.
“Jesus Christ Jim. What the hell is this?” he yells. “This, this - is what’s been going on! This is what you haven’t been telling me! And you’ve let me think...For how long?”
Kirk knows McCoy well enough to know that the yelling is a good sign, if there was no chance, he’d already be out the door. He opens his mouth to say something, hopefully the right thing, when Spock says, flat and emotionless,
“Correct doctor. The captain has been engaged in simultaneous sexual relationships with both of us for approximately eleven months.”
And hell, if he doesn’t even sound out of breath. Kirk sees something break in McCoy’s eyes, and Spock’s fingers are still digging into Kirk’s hips, not letting him free, so he sits up and twists and pleads,
“Stay, Bones, please, please, don’t walk out,” and there must be something in his voice or his face because McCoy does stop at the door and turn back.
“Why do you always ask me that? Why do you want me to stay, Jim?” he asks, low and dangerous. “Why are you asking me to stay when you’ve still got someone else’s cock up your ass?”
McCoy’s face twists into an ugly expression and he snarls “I knew you were a whore when we started this thing, but I never thought you’d do this to me, or so...so blatantly.”
He’s crossed the room by this point and grabs the back of Kirk’s head by his hair pulling it round and into a bruising kiss. “Is this what you want me to stay for, Jim?” he asks when he breaks the kiss then smothers the reply with another one, biting at Kirk’s lower lip, ignoring the whimper.
Then he steps back and drops his handful of Kirk’s hair and looks at him and says “What the hell is it you want, Jim?” breathing hard.
Kirk hasn’t got a reply, but that doesn’t matter anyway, because Spock is shifting his hands and pulling Kirk forward so their chests meet and with his other hand spreading his ass cheeks wider so where the two of them join is clearly visible, and then he curls his middle finger in, pushing it right in alongside his dick.
McCoy stares, transfixed, pupils dilated a noticeable bulge in his trouser fronts. “I believe, doctor, that I am willing to share. However I have had full knowledge of the situation for the last eleven months so have had time to reach this conclusion, where you have not. And I believe the Captain was asking you to join us.”
That’ll make McCoy angry, the smugness in the tone, Kirk knows, and he can hear the suppressed tremor in McCoy’s voice when he asks “Jim?” But he also knows not to deny Spock anything that he wants in bed, and he’s afraid, for himself, for McCoy if Spock looses himself to the feral madness that still lurks under the surface.
In the end, he just says “Please, Bones,” and even he couldn’t tell you what he was begging for right then. McCoy strokes a hand over his side, down his ribs, like he’s done so many times before in bed, but this time it’s possessive, and Kirk shivers at the touch.
Spock’s up to two extra fingers in alongside his dick as he feels the bed dip and the sound of a zipper being drawn down, of lube being opened. Soon enough Spock’s fingers slide out and he feels McCoy’s rounder fingers slip in, two then three, and it hurts but he’s biting down on his tongue, afraid to make a sound, Spock’s warning hand still on the back of his neck. The bond is telling him just what will happen if he cries out.
Suddenly the fingers are gone and he suppresses a gasp of relief as they’re replaced with the blunt head of McCoy’s dick, breaching him, sliding in alongside Spock’s. It’s too much, far too much, and he’s sweating and moaning in pain, but McCoy’s just pressing forward, determined to give him what he’s ‘asked for’, in all senses of the word. He can feel McCoy tense and angry behind him, and almost as soon as he’s got his cock all the way in, he pulls back and begins to snap his hips into him, unheeding of the hitching sobs it’s pulling from Kirk, stifled into the side of Spock’s neck.
Then Spock begins to push up into him at a much more leisurely pace and the two of them soon settle into a terrible rhythm, McCoy’s sharp thrusts lifting Kirk up and off Spock’s dick and then their hands pulling his hips down to force McCoy the last little way in and to meet Spock’s upwards stroke before they all drop back to the mattress and start again, over and over, faster and harder.
It’s more like a fight than sex, both McCoy and Spock pulling at Kirk’s body, trying to set the pace and get the angles right for themselves, and Kirk feels like nothing more than he is, a convenient hole for this battle to take place. All three of them are covered in sweat and gasping in the enclosed room, the noises echoing obscenely off the walls. He’s no stranger to pain over the last year or so, but this hurts more than anything since that first time with Spock, and he can only hope for it to be over soon.
Yet despite it all, he’s getting hard. He hasn’t felt a lick of pleasure in his body since the whole thing started, and their cocks feel like sandpaper in his ass, but it seems simply the fact that McCoy’s there, that he’s giving his lover, his love, what he wants, is enough. He knows he deserves this, has betrayed McCoy over and over again, because he’s weak and wanton and worthless, and if McCoy want to take it, well that’s no more than his due.
It seems the familiarity has reached McCoy too, because his body is relaxing behind Kirk, his hands not controlling Kirk’s hips so ruthlessly, absently running up and down Kirk’s ribs, soothing and gentling him as the pain continues to tear into him. Kirk feels him lean forward to lick at the sweat trickling down between his shoulder blades, and he places an absent kiss there as well, so he can’t help but murmur “Bones” at that.
There are the first stirrings of pleasure starting in his groin, and as Spock fades away into the background Kirk closes his eyes and pretends they’re alone. He can feel the warnings coming over the bond from Spock, that this is not what he wanted, but he’s already in trouble and right now Kirk’s prepared to be selfish, and take the consequences later. Spock’s not strong enough to flip the two of them right now he knows.
McCoy’s hips begin to stutter and fall out of rhythm as he nears his orgasm and Kirk rubs his hips against Spock’s, pulling at his own cock, trying to catch up and falls over into his climax seconds after McCoy does and they both collapse forward together onto Spock. The Vulcan is still hard inside of him, but he’s always enjoyed being inside Kirk for long periods, moving or still, and right now Kirk doesn’t give a shit about him.
In fairly short order he realises that he needs to give a shit about himself and McCoy both, and McCoy is pulling out and getting himself up. He doesn’t seem to want to lie down, which is good, and is busy tucking himself in, straightening his uniform, when Kirk summons up his Captain’s voice and says, “Doctor. You need to leave now. Captain’s orders.”
It might have seemed ridiculous, spunk leaking out of his ass, still in the middle of sex, but for the fact that Kirk never never gives his friend direct orders unless they absolutely have to happen that way, to the letter.
McCoy’s no idiot, and it finally seems to be dawning on him that something truly screwed up is going on here, and he beats it for the door without any further ado, and once it’s closed, Kirk has time to say “Computer lock door to all, authorisation code Kirk_Omega_ Theta_Three,” before Spock has thrown him off the bed and onto the floor.
At these times Spock never speaks, there’s no angry monologue, and Kirk’s left to guess what it is he’s done wrong, though this time, there doesn’t seem to be much doubt. He closes his eyes and wishes he could have had time to say sorry to McCoy, but he hopes he’ll understand that anyway, and that they’ll clean his body up before they take it out the room. The he tries to get to his feet and fight Spock, because he’s James T Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise and he doesn’t believe in no-win situations, but he never really had a chance against Vulcan strength and rage in the first place.
When McCoy barges back through the door, phaser on stun, Kirk’s down on the floor spitting blood and Spock’s just about to drive his knuckle into the unprotected flesh over his kidney. Spock goes down like a stone and Kirk collapses forward onto the floor. It’s only the second time McCoy’s fired his phaser in anger, and this is getting to be a habit he thinks.
He restrains Spock, knowing he might only be out for a minute, and then dumps him in the bathroom and closes the door. Kirk is stirring weakly, trying to turn himself over when McCoy reaches him, so he helps him turn over and just cradles his head in his lap.
Kirk’s nose is broken and he’s lost a few teeth, so it takes him a few tries before McCoy understands that he’s saying he’s sorry. Kirk’s eyes are still red-rimmed, tear tracks still visible under the blood and up close his body is a mess of healing bruises of varying vintages, all designed to be hidden under the uniform he wears.
McCoy counts to ten, all the time he’s going to let himself have to panic then sets about trying to get Kirk up and wrapped in a blanket for the trip to sickbay. Kirk’s struggling against him though, and he realises with a sick feeling that Kirk had been asking for help when he’d said please, not sex, and now one of the two men that just raped him is holding him close, but when McCoy tries to pull away, Kirk only clings harder, and he’s still saying he’s sorry.
“Come on, Jim, we need to get you to sickbay, kid, go with me on this.”
“I know, I’m sorry, sorry, Bones, I’m sorry.” Is all Kirk will say though, and McCoy realises he’s going into shock, so he wraps his arms tighter around Kirk and whispers “It’s okay Jim, I forgive you, I forgive you,” feeling like a hypocrite the whole time, until Kirk seems more pliant in him arms, then concentrates on getting the blanket back around him.
Part 4 >>>
Here's another part, I've overshot on plot slightly, and now think there will be a part four plus an epilogue, but big chunks of those are already written, so hopefully won't be too much longer before this is all finished for you.
Enjoy! Cai.
Title: Worst Mistake: Part 3
Author: Cai
Fandom: Nu!Trek (Star trek XI)
Rating: NC-17, Slash
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy, Spock/Kirk, Spock/Kirk/McCoy
Length: 5000 words this part, 15,000 words total so far
Spoilers: For the film, amok time (TOS)
Warnings: Non/Dub-con (this part), double penetration, violence
Summary: Kirk gets caught in the middle of forces beyond his control, see the prompt (linked in part 1) for more details
Notes: Written for the Star trek XI Kink Meme
Part One (of four)
Part Two (of four)
Part 3
Outwardly, things go back to normal on the ship.
Kirk takes back over command and he’s competent and cocky and the captain the crew know and trust, and though the ship-wide gossip runs wild as to just what happened between Kirk and Spock for a while, none of it seems to come close to the truth, and is eventually forgotten in favour of newer, shinier things.
Kirk doesn’t forget.
Most of the time he feels like himself, though there’s always an awareness of Spock in his head now, and worse, Spock’s awareness of him also registers, a subtle commentary on his day to day activities, that is only ever emotions not words. He knows he can do his duties as a Captain without a doubt, and is performing just as well as he ever was, but there’s something missing. This Kirk, he knows, wouldn’t have figured out that the lightening storm meant the Romulans were lying in wait, wouldn’t have chased Nero down with no plan, only faith in his ship and crew, wouldn’t have done a hundred other little things that had their roots in instinct and impulse and a life learning the fine line of when to jump and when to duck. He’s not sure if he likes the new Kirk, but he can live with him, and the Admiralty definitely approve of his new persona, that’s for sure.
Spock is his lover now, and his bond mate. They aren’t friends.
Before all this began they used to meet weekly for a game of chess, an informal debrief, and more importantly for the pleasure of each other’s company. They still meet weekly, and often even still play chess and talk about events on the ship that have caught their attention, but now there’s sex involved as well. Outside of that one night a week, they work together well enough, but don’t socialise.
Kirk never thought he’d see the day when sex became something to dread. Most of the time with Spock he doesn’t even get hard, and given Kirk’s obvious disinterest in proceedings Spock usually dispenses with foreplay entirely. Kirk’s learned to go to their meetings slick and ready as the only prep he gets is what he does himself, just as he’s learnt that he needs to be an active participant even if he doesn’t fake his own pleasure.
Spock lets him ride him at the start of the night, the only position he can tolerate with any degree of ease, but if he feels Kirk is too passive, he’ll flip them over and pin Kirk on his stomach, buried deep inside him and close the bond down so that the familiar terror and panic descend, and Kirk is left to buck and fight, unable to escape, unable to stop, unable to gain any relief. Those nights Spock will let Kirk struggle to exhaustion then fuck him with precise strokes, every one hitting his prostate until he’s coming all over his stomach and the sheets, and then Spock will continue to fuck him, sliding in his own cooling spunk until the anger that’s been stirred up dies away again.
After those nights Kirk bleeds and is sore for days, in his ass and his wrists. After Spock’s pinned him down for hours, arms twisted behind him, crushed into his shoulder blades by one of Spock’s hands, he swears he can feel the bones of his wrists grinding together, and always has the bruises to hide. Spock doesn’t care if he gets hard or comes, if he bleeds or cries, if he moans or screams. All he cares about is that he has complete control over Kirk, and will accept nothing less.
Near the beginning, Kirk had tried to close his eyes and pretend it was someone else, and it had helped move things along for both of them, but he’d let images of doing this with McCoy float into his mind (the betrayal making him sick to his stomach) and Spock had punished him. Painful hits to the stomach and soft tissue under the rib cage and over the hip bones and flanks that made it hard to breathe and cough and stand for days afterward, but had left next to nothing in the way of marks. He’d taken Kirk hard, face up on the floor after that and the rug burn had been just one more souvenir of the experiment gone wrong. Now Spock doesn’t let Kirk close his eyes, and pinches him sharply on the thigh and buttocks if his mind starts to wander from the task at hand. Kirk has come to accept that when they’re close like this, he has no privacy from Spock, mind or body.
He’s never been one for following rules, but this live he’s living with Spock now, has a thousand tiny little rules that he has to learn by breaking them, and suffer for breaking them. Strangely though, Spock allows him freedoms he’d never have imagined that he would.
Spock’s spent some time teaching him how to build up his mental defences against the bond so that he can shut Spock out when he wants his privacy. It’s impossible when they’re close, and impractical, but otherwise he’s learnt to handle it well. The bond is always there, the awareness of each other through space and time, which should be a beautiful thing, is really just a shackle, however the free flow of thoughts and ideas, that, he can shut down most of the time.
Stranger still, Spock hasn’t shown any sign of jealousy regarding his relationship with Dr McCoy outside of their time together. There’s no way Spock could have missed that he and McCoy are still together (just, his treacherous mind supplies) and Kirk thinks that maybe that’s why Spock showed him how to block the link, so that they could have their privacy together. He can’t quite fathom the cruelty and kindness that seem to coexist in Spock and be directed at him.
He suspects there’s still something of the original hormonal imbalance, some after effect of Pon Farr still messing things up. Whenever they have to cancel their weekly meeting for some disaster or event or other, the following week is guaranteed to be violent even if Kirk does everything right. After one occasion, when Kirk and Spock were unable to meet for nearly three weeks beforehand, stuck in diplomatic meetings and ferrying dignitaries around, Kirk was on the verge of going to sickbay and confessing all, but in the end Spock took him to a planet-side hospital to have his injuries dealt with. The doctors there accepted the story of an anonymous attacker and a refusal to report the incident without further interest or comment. Now he never lets Spock go for more than ten days regardless, out of concern for his own continued wellbeing.
After sex, Spock is different, gentler, lost and almost remorseful, but Kirk can’t handle that, needs to see Spock as his captor, his attacker, if he’s going to make any sense of this, so he gets dressed and leaves as soon as Spock has come in his ass and lets go of his hips. He’s not going to feel sympathy for him. The few times he’s heard Spock ask him to stay, it’s been so quiet he’s been able to pretend not to hear.
And that’s how the months have gone on, approaching a year now. He won’t be holding any kind of celebration of his and Spock’s first ‘anniversary’, that’s for sure. But he’s healthy and whole, for the most part, and functional. He’s in space and Captain of a star ship, and respected by his crew, a for some reason McCoy has stuck by him, so he thinks that there’s lots of people that have it a lot worse out there.
* * *
Kirk had never really thought about loving McCoy before all this started. They were together, and they were happy, and neither of them seemed to have itchy feet, so it beat the hell out of any relationship Kirk had had in the past. He could have asked McCoy, he supposes, what love was like, considering he’d probably loved his wife, but it had never really been an issue.
Kirk knows now that he loves McCoy without a doubt, more than he’d ever thought possible. He’s been ignored for most of his childhood, then idolised or avoided during his adolescence and disapproved of in his adult life, and now he’s letting himself get beaten and raped on a regular basis. McCoy’s the only one who’s ever made it easy, the only one who’s ever made him feel good about himself for who he is, rather than who he appears to be. And when his inner self is so evidently worthless, that’s some feat.
He hasn’t done anything about it, because living on a star ship in close quarters is de facto like moving in together, and he can spend all the time he likes with his chief medical officer with no questions asked.
When McCoy arrived at the academy, he was a good decade older than the rest of his class, outwardly disagreeable and unshaven, and a rumoured alcoholic, but Kirk never saw him drunk during training, though he often saw him drinking on his off hours.
After a few months Kirk managed to infuriate his roommate into requesting a transfer and then offered the space to McCoy. He didn’t have any real designs in doing it - his original roommate was an uptight prick who was way too excited to be in Starfleet, and needling him was fun - except that he’s heard what McCoy’s roommate says about him for cheap laughs. Kirk knows enough about messed up family dynamics to know that some things should just be kept private.
They get on just fine, which he suspects is a first for them both when it comes to roommates. McCoy has some stories to tell about the dorms in med school, that’s for sure, and he’d been living in the room over the garage for three years before he moved out of his mother’s home. Kirk’s not exactly neat, but then he’s not actually accumulated enough stuff to be messy, and hotel services come as standard, so his laundry gets done.
Kirk doesn’t bring girls back to his room, or guys for that matter, because he likes to be able to leave if things get overly serious without too much drama, so McCoy has plenty of time to himself as well, and seems to use it studying, academy syllabus and technical medical journals that are beyond Kirk’s grasp. Kirk doesn’t study, but he does attend everything he’s scheduled, so he gets by just fine, even if he isn’t winning any awards. It’s comfortable, and Kirk finds he’s looking forward to getting in and having someone there to meet him, which is new as well, but like Kirk said, McCoy just makes everything easy.
Kirk’s always been good at picking up signals, at noticing how people notice him, but still it takes months to realise that McCoy has a thing for him, and a few more after that to realise that McCoy is totally unaware of that fact. For all his smarts about other people, McCoy can be remarkably dense when he chooses to. The knowledge makes Kirk feel warm inside, rather than excited and horny, like he does when a pretty girl looks him up and down at a bar, but it also leaves Kirk with the choice about whether to make his move or not, and time to make his decision.
In the end, he chooses not, at least not yet; he has a defining moment of realising that relationships are about more than just sex, and once he’s done feeling incredibly mature, he decides to wait it out. Besides, he knows if he gets it wrong, like he always seems to, then he’ll have lost something important. So he chases after Gaila and Uhura and a hundred others, and McCoy seems genuinely amused by him, so he lets it sit. He’s got a home, and a supply of regular sex, and he figures it’s more than most people have, and more than he deserves, so for once in his life, he’s not going to rock the boat.
It’s not until after the extensive ‘we saved the world’ parties have calmed down and Kirk and McCoy manage to catch a quiet moment and a private drink together, and McCoy says, “Y’know, twice back there, I was really worried I’d lost you.”
Kirk thinks about answering, thinks about lost time and missed opportunities, thinks about having to explain, and kisses McCoy instead; he’s good at reading signals, and reading McCoy, and knows that it’ll be welcome.
It is, and after that they sort of fall into a relationship that neither of them actually talk about. Once, when there’s an outbreak of some space-clap on the ship, McCoy asks Kirk if they should both get checked, and Kirk tells him there’s been no-one else since they started this thing between them. McCoy’s smile at that is worth everything.
The sex doesn’t exactly bring them closer - they already knew each other far too well to ever be commander and subordinate, and are already too loyal to each other to worry about favouritism - but it is a lot of fun. Even though, Kirk’s still the one to pick up the signals in the relationship, and it’s usually him that has to figure out if McCoy wants an evening ends up in bed together or going their separate ways. It works for them, and best of all it’s easy like nothing ever can be.
This thing with Spock is bleeding through more and more though, making things hard where they shouldn’t be, throwing invisible stumbling blocks into their road. It’s nothing Kirk can pin down, because if he could figure it out, he’d like to believe he’d fix it. At least part of it is keeping secrets from McCoy - having to think before he talks or lies - and the ever present guilt about what he’s doing and how he’s letting it happen.
They still have sex now and then, but Kirk has to hide the bruises and there’s whole weeks when he can’t sit comfortably, let alone let McCoy touch him. He’s become a master of subterfuge and misdirection, but the layers of clothes he sometimes keeps on symbolise the barrier that’s growing between them. He hasn’t bottomed for McCoy since, well, before he started bottoming for Spock, and when he has marks to hide he turns McCoy on his stomach and makes love to him from behind. He knows it infuriates McCoy that he can’t touch and kiss Kirk in that position, but he ignores it, just as he ignores the passing urges to hold McCoy down and hurt him the way Spock does. When images like that are rolling round in his head he tries to leave as soon as he decently can, even though he’s never failed to spend a whole night with McCoy after making love, right from the start.
McCoy knows there’s something, and asks Kirk from time to time what the problem is, and if it’s about Kirk wanting to end things. He usually asks right after Kirk has sucked him off, down on his knees feeling like he’s servicing him, but unable to offer anything more personal. McCoy says he’s distant, cold, sad, and Kirk knows he’s right - can’t remember the last time he laughed, but can recount all to clearly the nights the shaking and tears have overwhelmed him in the small hours of the morning alone in bed. The hurt in his voice cuts into Kirk’s heart, and sometimes he’s so close to just breaking down and confessing all, but never dares; he knows if he does McCoy will see him for the pathetic wretch he is and leave him alone. After all McCoy’s already told him he thinks Kirk brought this on himself by mishandling the situation in the first place.
When the urge to tell all takes him he can still hear McCoy telling him ‘Spock was out of it, and he needed help and you did buggar-all to help him. Just got me held to ransom and drugged. Deserved that kick up the ass he gave you if you ask me -‘ and he can hear Spock telling him who he belongs to, who he exists to serve, and he bites down on his tongue.
McCoy’s taken to walking out when Kirk refuses to talk to him, saying he needs to clear his head, but he always comes back, and sits with Kirk, not really saying anything, but not angry either. In these times of stillness, with the bond all closed down, Kirk can lean on McCoy and pull the pieces of himself back together before he has to go out and face another day. Trouble is, the length of time McCoy’s away is getting steadily longer, and Kirk knows it won’t be long before his patience is entirely through, and he’ll walk and not come back.
Kirk’s still waiting for the final death knell to ring on their relationship when they dock at Starbase 11 for routine restocking and maintenance, and to give crew some long-deserved shore leave on the surface. He elects to stay on board ship, even when McCoy asks him to go down to the surface with him, and it leads to yet another argument. They never used to row - not properly, not with feeling - and lately it’s all they seem to do. They both say terrible things, but McCoy gets the last word and walks away before Kirk can even begin to formulate a reply. All he really wants to say is stay and take care of me but he doesn’t have the right anymore. Loves McCoy too much to stop him walking away.
* * *
Spock returns to the ship after only a day’s shore leave - Kirk doesn’t contemplate what he felt the need to do down there - and comes to Kirk’s rooms to inform him he has returned (as if he didn’t already know).
It’s not their night of the week, but Spock doesn’t seem inclined to leave, and Kirk’s ears have been ringing with everything that was said last night between him and McCoy, so something to distract him will be welcome, even if it is screaming. He lets Spock tumble him into bed, despite the fact that they’ve never had sex in his quarters before, and he’s always counted them as his safe haven from Spock.
He’s dispensed with their clothes and managed to get some lube in his ass before suddenly Spock’s on his back in Kirk’s bed, naked, and Kirk’s mounted on his dick, hands planted on either side of Spock’s head, arms braced, grinding his hips down to meet Spock’s thrusts. Tonight Kirk’s cock is soft and resting against his balls, and he’s managing to keep quiet. They’ve been at this a while, so the sweat from his forehead is dripping down onto Spock and soft grunts are the only noise in the room, when there’s a chime at the door and McCoy walks in without waiting, the doors set to open for him at any time, no matter the level of lock placed on them.
Fucking typical, Kirk has time to think, the one time we do it in my rooms, McCoy comes back from shore leave early and walks in on us, before the yelling starts.
McCoy’s standing at the door, his mouth open and skin livid.
“Jesus Christ Jim. What the hell is this?” he yells. “This, this - is what’s been going on! This is what you haven’t been telling me! And you’ve let me think...For how long?”
Kirk knows McCoy well enough to know that the yelling is a good sign, if there was no chance, he’d already be out the door. He opens his mouth to say something, hopefully the right thing, when Spock says, flat and emotionless,
“Correct doctor. The captain has been engaged in simultaneous sexual relationships with both of us for approximately eleven months.”
And hell, if he doesn’t even sound out of breath. Kirk sees something break in McCoy’s eyes, and Spock’s fingers are still digging into Kirk’s hips, not letting him free, so he sits up and twists and pleads,
“Stay, Bones, please, please, don’t walk out,” and there must be something in his voice or his face because McCoy does stop at the door and turn back.
“Why do you always ask me that? Why do you want me to stay, Jim?” he asks, low and dangerous. “Why are you asking me to stay when you’ve still got someone else’s cock up your ass?”
McCoy’s face twists into an ugly expression and he snarls “I knew you were a whore when we started this thing, but I never thought you’d do this to me, or so...so blatantly.”
He’s crossed the room by this point and grabs the back of Kirk’s head by his hair pulling it round and into a bruising kiss. “Is this what you want me to stay for, Jim?” he asks when he breaks the kiss then smothers the reply with another one, biting at Kirk’s lower lip, ignoring the whimper.
Then he steps back and drops his handful of Kirk’s hair and looks at him and says “What the hell is it you want, Jim?” breathing hard.
Kirk hasn’t got a reply, but that doesn’t matter anyway, because Spock is shifting his hands and pulling Kirk forward so their chests meet and with his other hand spreading his ass cheeks wider so where the two of them join is clearly visible, and then he curls his middle finger in, pushing it right in alongside his dick.
McCoy stares, transfixed, pupils dilated a noticeable bulge in his trouser fronts. “I believe, doctor, that I am willing to share. However I have had full knowledge of the situation for the last eleven months so have had time to reach this conclusion, where you have not. And I believe the Captain was asking you to join us.”
That’ll make McCoy angry, the smugness in the tone, Kirk knows, and he can hear the suppressed tremor in McCoy’s voice when he asks “Jim?” But he also knows not to deny Spock anything that he wants in bed, and he’s afraid, for himself, for McCoy if Spock looses himself to the feral madness that still lurks under the surface.
In the end, he just says “Please, Bones,” and even he couldn’t tell you what he was begging for right then. McCoy strokes a hand over his side, down his ribs, like he’s done so many times before in bed, but this time it’s possessive, and Kirk shivers at the touch.
Spock’s up to two extra fingers in alongside his dick as he feels the bed dip and the sound of a zipper being drawn down, of lube being opened. Soon enough Spock’s fingers slide out and he feels McCoy’s rounder fingers slip in, two then three, and it hurts but he’s biting down on his tongue, afraid to make a sound, Spock’s warning hand still on the back of his neck. The bond is telling him just what will happen if he cries out.
Suddenly the fingers are gone and he suppresses a gasp of relief as they’re replaced with the blunt head of McCoy’s dick, breaching him, sliding in alongside Spock’s. It’s too much, far too much, and he’s sweating and moaning in pain, but McCoy’s just pressing forward, determined to give him what he’s ‘asked for’, in all senses of the word. He can feel McCoy tense and angry behind him, and almost as soon as he’s got his cock all the way in, he pulls back and begins to snap his hips into him, unheeding of the hitching sobs it’s pulling from Kirk, stifled into the side of Spock’s neck.
Then Spock begins to push up into him at a much more leisurely pace and the two of them soon settle into a terrible rhythm, McCoy’s sharp thrusts lifting Kirk up and off Spock’s dick and then their hands pulling his hips down to force McCoy the last little way in and to meet Spock’s upwards stroke before they all drop back to the mattress and start again, over and over, faster and harder.
It’s more like a fight than sex, both McCoy and Spock pulling at Kirk’s body, trying to set the pace and get the angles right for themselves, and Kirk feels like nothing more than he is, a convenient hole for this battle to take place. All three of them are covered in sweat and gasping in the enclosed room, the noises echoing obscenely off the walls. He’s no stranger to pain over the last year or so, but this hurts more than anything since that first time with Spock, and he can only hope for it to be over soon.
Yet despite it all, he’s getting hard. He hasn’t felt a lick of pleasure in his body since the whole thing started, and their cocks feel like sandpaper in his ass, but it seems simply the fact that McCoy’s there, that he’s giving his lover, his love, what he wants, is enough. He knows he deserves this, has betrayed McCoy over and over again, because he’s weak and wanton and worthless, and if McCoy want to take it, well that’s no more than his due.
It seems the familiarity has reached McCoy too, because his body is relaxing behind Kirk, his hands not controlling Kirk’s hips so ruthlessly, absently running up and down Kirk’s ribs, soothing and gentling him as the pain continues to tear into him. Kirk feels him lean forward to lick at the sweat trickling down between his shoulder blades, and he places an absent kiss there as well, so he can’t help but murmur “Bones” at that.
There are the first stirrings of pleasure starting in his groin, and as Spock fades away into the background Kirk closes his eyes and pretends they’re alone. He can feel the warnings coming over the bond from Spock, that this is not what he wanted, but he’s already in trouble and right now Kirk’s prepared to be selfish, and take the consequences later. Spock’s not strong enough to flip the two of them right now he knows.
McCoy’s hips begin to stutter and fall out of rhythm as he nears his orgasm and Kirk rubs his hips against Spock’s, pulling at his own cock, trying to catch up and falls over into his climax seconds after McCoy does and they both collapse forward together onto Spock. The Vulcan is still hard inside of him, but he’s always enjoyed being inside Kirk for long periods, moving or still, and right now Kirk doesn’t give a shit about him.
In fairly short order he realises that he needs to give a shit about himself and McCoy both, and McCoy is pulling out and getting himself up. He doesn’t seem to want to lie down, which is good, and is busy tucking himself in, straightening his uniform, when Kirk summons up his Captain’s voice and says, “Doctor. You need to leave now. Captain’s orders.”
It might have seemed ridiculous, spunk leaking out of his ass, still in the middle of sex, but for the fact that Kirk never never gives his friend direct orders unless they absolutely have to happen that way, to the letter.
McCoy’s no idiot, and it finally seems to be dawning on him that something truly screwed up is going on here, and he beats it for the door without any further ado, and once it’s closed, Kirk has time to say “Computer lock door to all, authorisation code Kirk_Omega_ Theta_Three,” before Spock has thrown him off the bed and onto the floor.
At these times Spock never speaks, there’s no angry monologue, and Kirk’s left to guess what it is he’s done wrong, though this time, there doesn’t seem to be much doubt. He closes his eyes and wishes he could have had time to say sorry to McCoy, but he hopes he’ll understand that anyway, and that they’ll clean his body up before they take it out the room. The he tries to get to his feet and fight Spock, because he’s James T Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise and he doesn’t believe in no-win situations, but he never really had a chance against Vulcan strength and rage in the first place.
When McCoy barges back through the door, phaser on stun, Kirk’s down on the floor spitting blood and Spock’s just about to drive his knuckle into the unprotected flesh over his kidney. Spock goes down like a stone and Kirk collapses forward onto the floor. It’s only the second time McCoy’s fired his phaser in anger, and this is getting to be a habit he thinks.
He restrains Spock, knowing he might only be out for a minute, and then dumps him in the bathroom and closes the door. Kirk is stirring weakly, trying to turn himself over when McCoy reaches him, so he helps him turn over and just cradles his head in his lap.
Kirk’s nose is broken and he’s lost a few teeth, so it takes him a few tries before McCoy understands that he’s saying he’s sorry. Kirk’s eyes are still red-rimmed, tear tracks still visible under the blood and up close his body is a mess of healing bruises of varying vintages, all designed to be hidden under the uniform he wears.
McCoy counts to ten, all the time he’s going to let himself have to panic then sets about trying to get Kirk up and wrapped in a blanket for the trip to sickbay. Kirk’s struggling against him though, and he realises with a sick feeling that Kirk had been asking for help when he’d said please, not sex, and now one of the two men that just raped him is holding him close, but when McCoy tries to pull away, Kirk only clings harder, and he’s still saying he’s sorry.
“Come on, Jim, we need to get you to sickbay, kid, go with me on this.”
“I know, I’m sorry, sorry, Bones, I’m sorry.” Is all Kirk will say though, and McCoy realises he’s going into shock, so he wraps his arms tighter around Kirk and whispers “It’s okay Jim, I forgive you, I forgive you,” feeling like a hypocrite the whole time, until Kirk seems more pliant in him arms, then concentrates on getting the blanket back around him.
Part 4 >>>