An eternity ago
I watched all my friends get shacked up in secure and promising relationships. Relationships that took them on vacations and gave them a sense of security and stability.
Then I met him and it looked like for once-just once-I was going to score a lucky break. Call it selfish. Call it naive. Call it whatever you want. For a short period, I felt like this was it. This is when I was going to be able to sit back and relax. When I wouldn't have to provide for myself all the time.
But we all know my life is a little bit Ender's Game. Whenever things look up - bam - something completely out of the ordinary happens and I have to swallow all the good feelings and get back to business.
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I'm friends with my foster mom on Facebook. I found her completely by accident. Last March, I was telling Sean about growing up with two twin black foster siblings in a small town in Montana and I decided to look them up. We randomly found my ex foster brother, who apparently became a really bad rapper and lives in...I don't know where. Then I found my ex foster sister and ex foster mom. The mom had apparently adopted by foster sister and I was completely unaware with how painful it would be to see their photos together. The only time in my life when I ever felt taken care of was in that household and it's bittersweet to think I could have been adopted. The only reason I'm happy about not being adopted is because of my little brother. And because of my older brother. Mainly, my little brother. It's scary to think about where he'd be right now without me. Other than that, it's bittersweet. I can't help but wonder if it's bittersweet for my ex foster mom as well. She really loved me as if I was her own daughter and for me to find her when I was grown up and to fill her in on what my life became was probably pretty tough. I mean, I can only imagine the heartache I would feel if a child I had loved and raised found me 10 years later only to share stories of heartache and poverty and abuse.
It's not something I can really talk about with people because it's not something most people can relate to. There are lots of kids who have been in and out of foster homes and, yet, I'm the only person I know to have gone through them. I'm sure the percentage of kids who had good foster parents is even smaller. But she was truly amazing. I told her as much. I see her pictures and I just want to run into the computer screen and hug her and have her tell me it's ok. I could try to pursue a relationship with her, but I don't know how to. I just kind of stand back, watch, and wish.
Experiences can be lonely.
Then I met him and it looked like for once-just once-I was going to score a lucky break. Call it selfish. Call it naive. Call it whatever you want. For a short period, I felt like this was it. This is when I was going to be able to sit back and relax. When I wouldn't have to provide for myself all the time.
But we all know my life is a little bit Ender's Game. Whenever things look up - bam - something completely out of the ordinary happens and I have to swallow all the good feelings and get back to business.
------
I'm friends with my foster mom on Facebook. I found her completely by accident. Last March, I was telling Sean about growing up with two twin black foster siblings in a small town in Montana and I decided to look them up. We randomly found my ex foster brother, who apparently became a really bad rapper and lives in...I don't know where. Then I found my ex foster sister and ex foster mom. The mom had apparently adopted by foster sister and I was completely unaware with how painful it would be to see their photos together. The only time in my life when I ever felt taken care of was in that household and it's bittersweet to think I could have been adopted. The only reason I'm happy about not being adopted is because of my little brother. And because of my older brother. Mainly, my little brother. It's scary to think about where he'd be right now without me. Other than that, it's bittersweet. I can't help but wonder if it's bittersweet for my ex foster mom as well. She really loved me as if I was her own daughter and for me to find her when I was grown up and to fill her in on what my life became was probably pretty tough. I mean, I can only imagine the heartache I would feel if a child I had loved and raised found me 10 years later only to share stories of heartache and poverty and abuse.
It's not something I can really talk about with people because it's not something most people can relate to. There are lots of kids who have been in and out of foster homes and, yet, I'm the only person I know to have gone through them. I'm sure the percentage of kids who had good foster parents is even smaller. But she was truly amazing. I told her as much. I see her pictures and I just want to run into the computer screen and hug her and have her tell me it's ok. I could try to pursue a relationship with her, but I don't know how to. I just kind of stand back, watch, and wish.
Experiences can be lonely.