The Acceptance of Ability
I'm a pretty good writer.
(That's pretty hard for me to say.)
I have some very serious mental capabilities and a knack for explaining difficult concepts in an easy and accessible way.
(That's pretty hard for me to say, too.)
Aesthetics don't impress me much. I don't care about the words you use or how you say it. I want to know what it is you're actually saying. Give me the meat, the substance, the core of the idea.
Anyone can abuse a thesaurus.
(I blame Bukowski's prose for the influence on that one. "Genius might be the ability to say a profound thing in a simple way.")
I hold myself to almost impossible standards, feel like I'll never meet them, and then meet them. Once they're met, I blow it off as "way easy." "If I could do it then it was easy."
Except I'm starting to realize that a lot of people couldn't do what I have done or did or have accomplished.
And that maybe - just maybe - I'm a tad bit special.
(That's also pretty hard for me to say.)
I think my biggest strength is the ability to see webs where people see a line. It's occurred to me multiple times that I don't "think" like most people. This is not necessarily a good thing. Because I have a tendency to see "too much" and have a background of shit hitting fans, I tend to be inactive. Or, well, I have experienced more consequences than lucky breaks so I am reluctant to take a risk. This has impacted my life in a negative way. On the flip side, had I been around a supportive environment, I may have been working on a Ph.D. in Astronomy right now.
It saddens me that I didn't know enough about the OUTSIDE WORLD (other than it being more dangerous than my toxic micro-family-world) to pursue all the things I had dreamed of: the science studies, the math jokes, all those fun things that make my brain tingle with excitement, but will never be. I like what I'm studying now, but not as much as the other stuff.
Economics/accounting. They're fun subjects but they remind me of how boring I find people's actions. I think you're supposed to have some inkling of care when you study either subject. Give me the stars, the oceans, cordyceps, gorillas, and Joshua trees. In my heart of hearts, I know I've made a gigantic mistake with my life and one I will have to forgive myself for and move on from. It's kind of like realizing that there were doors open for you, but you were in the wrong building.
Sometimes I wonder if people pushed me into the more practical studies because they doubted my ability to comprehend the secrets of the universe. I hope that's not it, because math and science are the only subjects I ever felt inherently competent in. Currently, I try to stay away from them because the pain of the realization is often too great. So I don't want to know what's going on in ethology. I don't want to know how the ocean is moving. I don't want to know those things. But here I am, taking an Intro to Astronomy class to fulfill a requirements, and I just want to know more, more, more. And it reminds me of what I gave up in pursuit of the secure.
But security is an illusion and it's an altar I've spent far too much time at.
My only condolence: that I may be able to minor in math if I pursue econ. That or, I grab a Masters in whatever and try to teach a subject. Because the only thing I've ever wanted to do is teach. It never really mattered the subject. I just love teaching. I guess teaching Economics could be fun. . . though I so would have rather taught something like Biology.
Basically, thar be some growing pains going on herrrre. But, it'll work out in the end. If I continue to knowingly worship the false god of Security, I have nothing to complain about.
(That's pretty hard for me to say.)
I have some very serious mental capabilities and a knack for explaining difficult concepts in an easy and accessible way.
(That's pretty hard for me to say, too.)
Aesthetics don't impress me much. I don't care about the words you use or how you say it. I want to know what it is you're actually saying. Give me the meat, the substance, the core of the idea.
Anyone can abuse a thesaurus.
(I blame Bukowski's prose for the influence on that one. "Genius might be the ability to say a profound thing in a simple way.")
I hold myself to almost impossible standards, feel like I'll never meet them, and then meet them. Once they're met, I blow it off as "way easy." "If I could do it then it was easy."
Except I'm starting to realize that a lot of people couldn't do what I have done or did or have accomplished.
And that maybe - just maybe - I'm a tad bit special.
(That's also pretty hard for me to say.)
I think my biggest strength is the ability to see webs where people see a line. It's occurred to me multiple times that I don't "think" like most people. This is not necessarily a good thing. Because I have a tendency to see "too much" and have a background of shit hitting fans, I tend to be inactive. Or, well, I have experienced more consequences than lucky breaks so I am reluctant to take a risk. This has impacted my life in a negative way. On the flip side, had I been around a supportive environment, I may have been working on a Ph.D. in Astronomy right now.
It saddens me that I didn't know enough about the OUTSIDE WORLD (other than it being more dangerous than my toxic micro-family-world) to pursue all the things I had dreamed of: the science studies, the math jokes, all those fun things that make my brain tingle with excitement, but will never be. I like what I'm studying now, but not as much as the other stuff.
Economics/accounting. They're fun subjects but they remind me of how boring I find people's actions. I think you're supposed to have some inkling of care when you study either subject. Give me the stars, the oceans, cordyceps, gorillas, and Joshua trees. In my heart of hearts, I know I've made a gigantic mistake with my life and one I will have to forgive myself for and move on from. It's kind of like realizing that there were doors open for you, but you were in the wrong building.
Sometimes I wonder if people pushed me into the more practical studies because they doubted my ability to comprehend the secrets of the universe. I hope that's not it, because math and science are the only subjects I ever felt inherently competent in. Currently, I try to stay away from them because the pain of the realization is often too great. So I don't want to know what's going on in ethology. I don't want to know how the ocean is moving. I don't want to know those things. But here I am, taking an Intro to Astronomy class to fulfill a requirements, and I just want to know more, more, more. And it reminds me of what I gave up in pursuit of the secure.
But security is an illusion and it's an altar I've spent far too much time at.
My only condolence: that I may be able to minor in math if I pursue econ. That or, I grab a Masters in whatever and try to teach a subject. Because the only thing I've ever wanted to do is teach. It never really mattered the subject. I just love teaching. I guess teaching Economics could be fun. . . though I so would have rather taught something like Biology.
Basically, thar be some growing pains going on herrrre. But, it'll work out in the end. If I continue to knowingly worship the false god of Security, I have nothing to complain about.